(no subject)
so basically
i really like summer
but at this very second
life sucks
i thought i'd be able to stop thinking about all that past stuff when i was out of school but i just looked at their blatantly cruel webshots. and i saw how she had unfriended me. and how he blocked me. and how she sent that e-mail saying that she wanted a group who could all function, basically counting me out. how she glared at me at prom.
and a few nights ago i had a dream that it was all over. no. that it hadn't even started. i was talking to her, and i told her that i was afraid of dying. she told me that we were best friends and that she would never let me die.
and i miss her so much. but i just don't understand how she could do this.
and how he could do this, a week after being with me. a week after taking me into his living room and turning out the lights and singing to me and telling me that i was his UGHHHHHHH i can't even type it. a week after coming to my house to watch bridget jones because it was a breakup movie. two weeks after i told him i had a boyfriend, and one week after i told him that even if i didn't have a boyfriend i had an agreement with a girl friend. i loved him so much, and i suppose he was just with me because he wanted to go out with me and when he saw it wasn't possible he moved on. that's the extent of the true love he told me he had.
GOD IT WAS LIKE YESTERDAY
panera runs
konstantine
starbuck's
thunk sessions
"studying"
garden state--saying that i was his sam. saying that sam was the perfect girl. saying "break up with him" me saying no. him sayng "why? why? why do you not go out with me?" me crying every night because i was scared to lose a friend. me feeling scared and wrong and like i wanted him to stop telling me these things. i told all my friends how scared i was and they said "you guys would be so cute though." even SHE said that.
and then there was the other boy. who i really did love. i think. and i told everyone. i was scared to be with him because i knew that my best friend in the world was not okay with us being together. but i couldnt leave him. because i kept hoping hoping hoping that the other one would stop and that we could be normal friends again. so that i wouldn't always be turning down my friend. and then the other one left. and me realizing how freakishly well i got along with my best friend. and how maybe something like this would never come along again. and how i needed to start being more mature and not so airheaded. god i was such a fucking airhead. who was i?
shit now i'm crying. why do i always cry so obnoxiously at home but never in front of other people?
i know that saying that you shouldn't cry because it's over but smile because it happened but this has gotten to the point where i just wish it had never happened. i don't trust anyone now. i'm so scared and i feel like i know such a different world from everyone else. i just know how mean people can be and how insincere their feelings can be and the world isn't a nice fun place for me anymore it sucks.
and i think there are a few people who i trust. but this morning i jumped back. and really thought about it. and how i thought that he was sincere and that she was sincere. i was so sure.
i have so much more to write but i don't want to clog up your friends pages.
i really like summer
but at this very second
life sucks
i thought i'd be able to stop thinking about all that past stuff when i was out of school but i just looked at their blatantly cruel webshots. and i saw how she had unfriended me. and how he blocked me. and how she sent that e-mail saying that she wanted a group who could all function, basically counting me out. how she glared at me at prom.
and a few nights ago i had a dream that it was all over. no. that it hadn't even started. i was talking to her, and i told her that i was afraid of dying. she told me that we were best friends and that she would never let me die.
and i miss her so much. but i just don't understand how she could do this.
and how he could do this, a week after being with me. a week after taking me into his living room and turning out the lights and singing to me and telling me that i was his UGHHHHHHH i can't even type it. a week after coming to my house to watch bridget jones because it was a breakup movie. two weeks after i told him i had a boyfriend, and one week after i told him that even if i didn't have a boyfriend i had an agreement with a girl friend. i loved him so much, and i suppose he was just with me because he wanted to go out with me and when he saw it wasn't possible he moved on. that's the extent of the true love he told me he had.
GOD IT WAS LIKE YESTERDAY
panera runs
konstantine
starbuck's
thunk sessions
"studying"
garden state--saying that i was his sam. saying that sam was the perfect girl. saying "break up with him" me saying no. him sayng "why? why? why do you not go out with me?" me crying every night because i was scared to lose a friend. me feeling scared and wrong and like i wanted him to stop telling me these things. i told all my friends how scared i was and they said "you guys would be so cute though." even SHE said that.
and then there was the other boy. who i really did love. i think. and i told everyone. i was scared to be with him because i knew that my best friend in the world was not okay with us being together. but i couldnt leave him. because i kept hoping hoping hoping that the other one would stop and that we could be normal friends again. so that i wouldn't always be turning down my friend. and then the other one left. and me realizing how freakishly well i got along with my best friend. and how maybe something like this would never come along again. and how i needed to start being more mature and not so airheaded. god i was such a fucking airhead. who was i?
shit now i'm crying. why do i always cry so obnoxiously at home but never in front of other people?
i know that saying that you shouldn't cry because it's over but smile because it happened but this has gotten to the point where i just wish it had never happened. i don't trust anyone now. i'm so scared and i feel like i know such a different world from everyone else. i just know how mean people can be and how insincere their feelings can be and the world isn't a nice fun place for me anymore it sucks.
and i think there are a few people who i trust. but this morning i jumped back. and really thought about it. and how i thought that he was sincere and that she was sincere. i was so sure.
i have so much more to write but i don't want to clog up your friends pages.