realization
so i've come to a realization in the past few days. ever since i came back from plattsburg and hadley and i stopped talking, i've been afraid to let myself to get close to a guy. and i've been doing a lot of thinking about it because hadley's birthday is coming up in a week or 2 and im not sure whether or not i should call him just to wish him a happy birthday.
i took a look at my social life since september, and i noticed that i simply havent been interested in guys. so when john took a serious interest in me when i was at pats, i jumped on it as a chance to remind myself that i didnt have to be miserable. well obviously that didnt end up as planned, since he has a girlfriend! but it did open my eyes, because it made me realize that i have been sitting around moping about losing what i thought was one of my closest friends, and that i couldn't let that run my life anymore.
people tell me that its a waste of my time, hadley himself told me that i never really meant anything to him, especially not to the extent that he meant to me! i should have known that from the beginning, to him i was just one of his friends' little sister's friends, and that it was nothing important, but to me it was my first time with a guy doing anything more serious than a little kiss! so i guess i was "imprinted" on him, and its always hard to let go of that. i thought i loved him, because through the 3 years after that up until now, i've never cared about anyone the way i cared about him. but now i realize that was because i was always looking for a replacement for him, rather than something OTHER than him. all the guys that i've dated since then have been because something about them reminded me of him, and it wasn't fair to them that i put such high standards on them.
WELL NO MORE
i need to be happy, i need to find someone who will care about me the way i thought i cared about hadley. i do wish that i could talk to him just once more, to apologize for expecting so much from him. im sure that he won't answer my call though, so ill just leave him a nice little message simply saying happy birthday and i hope his life is going well. i just hope i dont cry, and not because i still miss him but because ive finally realized that i'm a stronger person now that he is a part of my PAST and not the ruler of my present
i took a look at my social life since september, and i noticed that i simply havent been interested in guys. so when john took a serious interest in me when i was at pats, i jumped on it as a chance to remind myself that i didnt have to be miserable. well obviously that didnt end up as planned, since he has a girlfriend! but it did open my eyes, because it made me realize that i have been sitting around moping about losing what i thought was one of my closest friends, and that i couldn't let that run my life anymore.
people tell me that its a waste of my time, hadley himself told me that i never really meant anything to him, especially not to the extent that he meant to me! i should have known that from the beginning, to him i was just one of his friends' little sister's friends, and that it was nothing important, but to me it was my first time with a guy doing anything more serious than a little kiss! so i guess i was "imprinted" on him, and its always hard to let go of that. i thought i loved him, because through the 3 years after that up until now, i've never cared about anyone the way i cared about him. but now i realize that was because i was always looking for a replacement for him, rather than something OTHER than him. all the guys that i've dated since then have been because something about them reminded me of him, and it wasn't fair to them that i put such high standards on them.
WELL NO MORE
i need to be happy, i need to find someone who will care about me the way i thought i cared about hadley. i do wish that i could talk to him just once more, to apologize for expecting so much from him. im sure that he won't answer my call though, so ill just leave him a nice little message simply saying happy birthday and i hope his life is going well. i just hope i dont cry, and not because i still miss him but because ive finally realized that i'm a stronger person now that he is a part of my PAST and not the ruler of my present