why can't i be as cool as Gwen?
i decided i'd rather have pictures of my georgeous husband, ryan. mmmmmhmmmm. look at those lips. dee-lish. ali calls him julio. i told ryan that if i went dancing with him and another girl was up in his grill i'd beat her up. he said that would be incredibly sexy and he can't wait. look out sluts- i'll kill you. haha jk jk. actually. no. seriously. jk.
oh man. i had a bad bad day. people keep telling me things about other people...and i don't know what to think. i'm so tired of being lied to. and i hate that lying is possible. if people couldn't lie- what would we have to fear? did you kiss her? did you cheat on me? ("yes". ok bye.) ("no". ok good.) i wish it were that simple. i wish i wish. like i told alicia today- wishin on a star not only doesn't work, it creates false hope and ignorance. actually i specifically said "people look stupid doin it"... same thing though. i used to wish upon a star every night for Liz to be healed. i have faith that God could do a miracle. but stars aren't God. and i think i believed it would work so much that i was oblivious to the real situation. i'm going to lose her. and i hate it.
i HATE it.
i wrote her this song...
started when i was 16...mid-done now at 18...yet to be finished
it's called
"if you leave"
V1:your body is cold, pale and crawling with disease
you close your eyes, count your sheep and i'll just sing
CH: what if all the street lights just burned out,
and all the avenues and boulevards decided to change their names, and the streets twisted until there was no way out? that's how it will be, if you leave.
BRG: because you know i love you more than you can see
please don't become my dearly departed
they say time heals all things- just not me
takes so much longer to mend the wounds of the broken hearted.
crappy but, it means something to me. i love her. i can't get the image of her crying as she left for the hospital out of my head. she kept saying "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry". TAKE ME INSTEAD.
GOD! PLEASE.
i hate this. don't tell me i'm over reacting. don't tell me it's not as bad as if... don't tell me it's all for the best. don't tell me she's going to a better place. just don't. don't say it. let me be. let me dwell. let me harden my heart into a bitter rock of hatred. she is more than a friend leaving this earth. she is a symbol of all the things i ever wanted to be, all things beautiful and good. she cannot be compared to. she cannot be replaced. why now God? why so young? Why Liz?
-emily