(no subject)
Two more weeks and I'll be back in college. ^_^
I'm not screwing it up this time. I'm not leaving. Not for anyone, for any reason.
Laugh now, but you'll see. I'm not doing this for anyone but me, and I realize that's why I've been such a failure- when you live your life trying to be what everyone wants you to be you will never succeed. You will always fail.
Not this time.
I've made mistakes. I've been a bitch. I've said and done things that I most deeply regret...but I wouldn't take them back for the world.
It's easy to walk away. To say, "yeah, it happened." And leave it behind, not letting it faze you in the slightest. But this did.
What happened shook me to the core. Showed me how flawed my life is, and how dangerous was the path I was walking.
Fear changes people, especially when you begin to fear yourself.
Desperation changes people, especially when you're desperate to understand the world through everyone else's eyes, but your own.
What I did can't be made up. It can't be "forgiven". But I can make sure my past won't be my future.
He used to say he was afraid of being forgotten. I'm more afraid of being remembered.
I feel like I've come to terms with the miscarriage. I don't even know if anyone realized it affected me. How could it not? It's easy to put on a face and say "I'm passed it" then feel an emptiness inside that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. The dr. said it was because of stress. I didn't believe it. Went to a different dr. they agreed with #1. Fuck it, I wanted to die- maybe they were right.
I wanted to die.
They walked in. I was on the couch, knife in hand caked with my own dried blood. I ache thinking of it. At that point in time, I had nothing. There was no life, there was no God. There was just pain and betrayal. I knew her mind was freaking out. Was this for real? What should I do? She took the knife. She cleaned my wounds. We had a barbecue. There was no judgement, just action. You can't repay that.
Schizophrenia is not a pretty thing. It is not something to be glamorized in movies. It is in no way "cool".
I lived a lie every single day of my life. My own fiance didn't know. My housemates didn't know. But I did.
Why did I stay home so often from work? To receive the medicine my parents would send to me. 9am drop-off saved my tail more than a few times.
Do you know what it's like to hide your medicine in a tylenol bottle, so others wouldn't know?
I have no more secrets.
I do not apologize for what happened, because it was probably what saved my life.
Screaming at me, calling me a bitch. Telling me how ungrateful I am. Telling me I ruined Christmas. Scowling at me with every wrong word I said.
You saved my life and you don't even know.
My path is clear, now. It's not hidden and obstructed with lies.
I'll never ask for forgiveness. But I want you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't realize what you did for me.
I don't care how you take this. You can ignore it. You probably won't even see it. I just wanted to say it. You said even if I repented at that moment, you wouldn't believe me. Good. Don't listen to my words- watch me.
I'm not screwing it up this time. I'm not leaving. Not for anyone, for any reason.
Laugh now, but you'll see. I'm not doing this for anyone but me, and I realize that's why I've been such a failure- when you live your life trying to be what everyone wants you to be you will never succeed. You will always fail.
Not this time.
I've made mistakes. I've been a bitch. I've said and done things that I most deeply regret...but I wouldn't take them back for the world.
It's easy to walk away. To say, "yeah, it happened." And leave it behind, not letting it faze you in the slightest. But this did.
What happened shook me to the core. Showed me how flawed my life is, and how dangerous was the path I was walking.
Fear changes people, especially when you begin to fear yourself.
Desperation changes people, especially when you're desperate to understand the world through everyone else's eyes, but your own.
What I did can't be made up. It can't be "forgiven". But I can make sure my past won't be my future.
He used to say he was afraid of being forgotten. I'm more afraid of being remembered.
I feel like I've come to terms with the miscarriage. I don't even know if anyone realized it affected me. How could it not? It's easy to put on a face and say "I'm passed it" then feel an emptiness inside that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. The dr. said it was because of stress. I didn't believe it. Went to a different dr. they agreed with #1. Fuck it, I wanted to die- maybe they were right.
I wanted to die.
They walked in. I was on the couch, knife in hand caked with my own dried blood. I ache thinking of it. At that point in time, I had nothing. There was no life, there was no God. There was just pain and betrayal. I knew her mind was freaking out. Was this for real? What should I do? She took the knife. She cleaned my wounds. We had a barbecue. There was no judgement, just action. You can't repay that.
Schizophrenia is not a pretty thing. It is not something to be glamorized in movies. It is in no way "cool".
I lived a lie every single day of my life. My own fiance didn't know. My housemates didn't know. But I did.
Why did I stay home so often from work? To receive the medicine my parents would send to me. 9am drop-off saved my tail more than a few times.
Do you know what it's like to hide your medicine in a tylenol bottle, so others wouldn't know?
I have no more secrets.
I do not apologize for what happened, because it was probably what saved my life.
Screaming at me, calling me a bitch. Telling me how ungrateful I am. Telling me I ruined Christmas. Scowling at me with every wrong word I said.
You saved my life and you don't even know.
My path is clear, now. It's not hidden and obstructed with lies.
I'll never ask for forgiveness. But I want you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't realize what you did for me.
I don't care how you take this. You can ignore it. You probably won't even see it. I just wanted to say it. You said even if I repented at that moment, you wouldn't believe me. Good. Don't listen to my words- watch me.