Worthless
I was absolutely worthless today. I didn't get home until 5:00 am last night/this morning(after a late night at the bar and a trip to IHOP) and spent the entire day laying on the couch, watching movies. I have two tests on Tuesday and have not cracked a book for either one. There are quite a few papers I intended to get done this weekend, in the hopes of having very little to do over Thanksgiving break- not a word typed for any of them.
I am such a bad student! It is pretty pathetic considering what I have done to be in this program and how much I'm paying to be there. I do care, but at the same time, I know that I am learning a great deal of information and the fact that I'm not demonstrating the knowledge on a test doesn't, to me, mean that I'm not learning it.
There's a guy that's confusing me. He says things to me and to other people about me that definitely suggest interest, he's made pretty forward physical moves before (that I've rejected), but he'll never flat out tell me that he likes me or has feelings for me. Friends keep telling me that he does it because he sees me as "a challenge"- that because I'm very different from any girl he's ever gone after before he wants to see how far he can get- it's his "game". I don't know what to believe, and at the same time, I don't want him to tell me he has feelings for me because I honestly don't know what my response would be. I don't think I have interest in him like that, and the attraction I do have I'm afraid is just a result of the fact that he's interested in me. You know how you begin to look at people in a new light when you find out they like you? I don't know if it goes beyond that, and if it doesn't, is it fair to find out at his expense?
I can't go home for Thanksgiving again. I hate that I can't be there- hate that my family is having the holiday without me, hate that I can't be a part of the traditions I didn't realize I missed so much. Living so far away has just made me realize that I want to be close to home when I'm married and have children. Once every six months is just not enough for me.
I just have such a worthless existence right now. The more I think about my future, the bigger my dreams become. I don't want to build these hopes and dreams and have none of them pan out. I don't want to be disappointed in myself.
For a college graduation present, my friend Jessica gave me a little hanging sign that says "Well behaved women don't make history"- and said to me that she was certain someday I would make history...that she expected it. I hope that's true. Everyone makes history in their own way, in their own circles and families. I want my history to be bigger, to be documented and known. I hope I don't disappoint her.
I am such a bad student! It is pretty pathetic considering what I have done to be in this program and how much I'm paying to be there. I do care, but at the same time, I know that I am learning a great deal of information and the fact that I'm not demonstrating the knowledge on a test doesn't, to me, mean that I'm not learning it.
There's a guy that's confusing me. He says things to me and to other people about me that definitely suggest interest, he's made pretty forward physical moves before (that I've rejected), but he'll never flat out tell me that he likes me or has feelings for me. Friends keep telling me that he does it because he sees me as "a challenge"- that because I'm very different from any girl he's ever gone after before he wants to see how far he can get- it's his "game". I don't know what to believe, and at the same time, I don't want him to tell me he has feelings for me because I honestly don't know what my response would be. I don't think I have interest in him like that, and the attraction I do have I'm afraid is just a result of the fact that he's interested in me. You know how you begin to look at people in a new light when you find out they like you? I don't know if it goes beyond that, and if it doesn't, is it fair to find out at his expense?
I can't go home for Thanksgiving again. I hate that I can't be there- hate that my family is having the holiday without me, hate that I can't be a part of the traditions I didn't realize I missed so much. Living so far away has just made me realize that I want to be close to home when I'm married and have children. Once every six months is just not enough for me.
I just have such a worthless existence right now. The more I think about my future, the bigger my dreams become. I don't want to build these hopes and dreams and have none of them pan out. I don't want to be disappointed in myself.
For a college graduation present, my friend Jessica gave me a little hanging sign that says "Well behaved women don't make history"- and said to me that she was certain someday I would make history...that she expected it. I hope that's true. Everyone makes history in their own way, in their own circles and families. I want my history to be bigger, to be documented and known. I hope I don't disappoint her.