(no subject)
I wanted to be happy so bad, that I didn't even realize that the ability to be happy was right in front of my face. I spent so much time trying to figure out what else I could do, a different way that I could be, that I didn't even notice that the only person holding me back from truly being happy was myself. I know that it would be nice to have someone to count on, someone to call my own, but come on, we were brought into this world alone, so why should we actually need someone else to make us complete? All we need is ourselves to truly make it through. I have my friends, I have my family, and that's all I really need. I don't need a boy holding me together, or telling me I'm okay for me to actually be alright. I don't need a boy telling me I'm beautiful to actually convince me that I am. They don't make me who I am, but I sure as hell would like to make believe so. I realized though, that wasn't the case. Because those people who you count on to hold you together, could be the same exact people who would tear you apart. You give them the power to do one thing, you're also handing them over the power to the opposite. Why would you want to let someone do that to you? Someone who never ever earned you, let alone earned being able to hurt you. People think they are so deserving, but what really is deserving anyway? What do people in this world do besides hate and hurt? I do it so much. I can't just be happy that someone else is making an attempt at being happy, I have to be envious and hateful. Call her fat, call her ugly, call her anything to make myself feel better because of the fact that she was the better choice over me. It's okay, I wasn't meant to be loved by everyone, even if I would like to be. Even if it would make me feel good. not everyone is going to love me, and that's been a tough reality for me to face, But I'm trying my best to do it on my own. I'm trying to balance out what I know I am, over what everyone makes me feel like I am.
I am insecure, I am selfish, I am envious, I am hateful, I am everything that another person could probably ever be, but at least I own up to it. And I guess that if everyone actually sat down on their own, they would point out their own flaws to themselves. but maybe pointing out all the things that are wrong with you and making them obvious to everyone else makes you weak. I've never understand exactly how it is, ever. I've never understand how it should be. I always have, but I don't get anything. I don't get if there's a single person on this earth who does things the right way. You donate all your money to starving kids, so does that honestly make you a saint? you work and provide for your family because your mom can't work, and you have brothers and sisters who wouldn't have the things they need if you didn't make money to give it to them, so does that make you an angel? I drink too much, I smoke too much, I hate too much, I argue too much, I bitch too much, I complain too much, so does that make me a worthless person? I try to be there for the people that I love when they need me, but I always feel like, the times that they need me the most, are the times that I'm not really ever there. When I'm in the middle of being selfish and feeling sorry for myself, that's when I feel like they need me the most, and when I'm not there. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit for the times that I am there. Who really knows, but I still feel worthless a lot of the times. I feel like I don't deserve the people to love me to do it, but they still do, so I have to just keep in mind that through all the things that I've done wrong, there must be something that I've done right to be able to keep them, and actually make them want to stick around.
She's just like him. Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies that she's been fed.
I just wonder how, someone who's had literally everything they have ever wanted, handed to them, can allow themselves to be as unhappy as I've been allowing myself to be lately. If you would look at my actions, they don't show happiness, but everyone thinks I'm just being lazy. The truth of the matter is, I'm not depressed, or maybe I am and I just don't see it, but I just don't feel motivated. I don't see a point in getting up in the morning some days, I just want to lay there and pretend like I don't exist, until my grandma calls and screams at me about something, or until nobody even acknowledges the fact that I haven't been there at all. some days I can lay in bed until almost 9 at night, then my grandpa finally comes down and asks me if I'm alright. He's the only person who ever bothers. The only time my grandmother notices that I haven't been up and around, is when she's mad and says something mean about it to hurt my feelings. Which should be reason enough, because nobody can hurt me with their words like she can, but I still don't change it. I have failed her on so many levels too, which I'm sure makes me inconsiderate. Scratch that, I know I'm inconsiderate. I don't thank her enough for everything that she's done for me, and not just lately, but all together through my whole entire life. She has been my rock, and I have been her anchor. I have attempted pulling her under with me, but she's somehow kept me up, no matter how hard I drag myself and her down. I don't know how she does it, but she deserves more acknowledgment. She deserves more love. But no matter what I say I know she deserves, I never give it to her.
and believe me, this hasn't been the first time that I've noticed it.
I'm just going to try as hard as I can to make myself stay on the bright side of everything, and get out there and take charge of my own life. I would say that I need to stop letting other people live it for me, but they don't either. No one's living it. I'm wasting the space that I've been given, and it's not fair. Sometimes I wish I could give someone else my place, who would be more grateful. But since I know that I can't do that, I realize that i need to change. But I need help, I need someone to give me advice, I need someone to want to try and push me as hard as I know I need to be pushed. But it's almost like everyone is so afraid of hurting fragile little Emilie.
Stop being afraid, and just do it.
I guess it's about time that I take my own advice.
I am insecure, I am selfish, I am envious, I am hateful, I am everything that another person could probably ever be, but at least I own up to it. And I guess that if everyone actually sat down on their own, they would point out their own flaws to themselves. but maybe pointing out all the things that are wrong with you and making them obvious to everyone else makes you weak. I've never understand exactly how it is, ever. I've never understand how it should be. I always have, but I don't get anything. I don't get if there's a single person on this earth who does things the right way. You donate all your money to starving kids, so does that honestly make you a saint? you work and provide for your family because your mom can't work, and you have brothers and sisters who wouldn't have the things they need if you didn't make money to give it to them, so does that make you an angel? I drink too much, I smoke too much, I hate too much, I argue too much, I bitch too much, I complain too much, so does that make me a worthless person? I try to be there for the people that I love when they need me, but I always feel like, the times that they need me the most, are the times that I'm not really ever there. When I'm in the middle of being selfish and feeling sorry for myself, that's when I feel like they need me the most, and when I'm not there. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit for the times that I am there. Who really knows, but I still feel worthless a lot of the times. I feel like I don't deserve the people to love me to do it, but they still do, so I have to just keep in mind that through all the things that I've done wrong, there must be something that I've done right to be able to keep them, and actually make them want to stick around.
She's just like him. Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies that she's been fed.
I just wonder how, someone who's had literally everything they have ever wanted, handed to them, can allow themselves to be as unhappy as I've been allowing myself to be lately. If you would look at my actions, they don't show happiness, but everyone thinks I'm just being lazy. The truth of the matter is, I'm not depressed, or maybe I am and I just don't see it, but I just don't feel motivated. I don't see a point in getting up in the morning some days, I just want to lay there and pretend like I don't exist, until my grandma calls and screams at me about something, or until nobody even acknowledges the fact that I haven't been there at all. some days I can lay in bed until almost 9 at night, then my grandpa finally comes down and asks me if I'm alright. He's the only person who ever bothers. The only time my grandmother notices that I haven't been up and around, is when she's mad and says something mean about it to hurt my feelings. Which should be reason enough, because nobody can hurt me with their words like she can, but I still don't change it. I have failed her on so many levels too, which I'm sure makes me inconsiderate. Scratch that, I know I'm inconsiderate. I don't thank her enough for everything that she's done for me, and not just lately, but all together through my whole entire life. She has been my rock, and I have been her anchor. I have attempted pulling her under with me, but she's somehow kept me up, no matter how hard I drag myself and her down. I don't know how she does it, but she deserves more acknowledgment. She deserves more love. But no matter what I say I know she deserves, I never give it to her.
and believe me, this hasn't been the first time that I've noticed it.
I'm just going to try as hard as I can to make myself stay on the bright side of everything, and get out there and take charge of my own life. I would say that I need to stop letting other people live it for me, but they don't either. No one's living it. I'm wasting the space that I've been given, and it's not fair. Sometimes I wish I could give someone else my place, who would be more grateful. But since I know that I can't do that, I realize that i need to change. But I need help, I need someone to give me advice, I need someone to want to try and push me as hard as I know I need to be pushed. But it's almost like everyone is so afraid of hurting fragile little Emilie.
Stop being afraid, and just do it.
I guess it's about time that I take my own advice.