Fic: "Until My Dying Breath", Chapter Eight-- Part One. Kurt/Blaine Vampire AU.

[emilianadarling]

The final scene that was intended to go in this chapter just absolutely did not want to happen there, so it's been moved to the beginning of Chapter Nine. So, so, so many apologies for the long wait, everyone. It was exam and paper time for me, and now I'm at work and it's the single busiest time of the year for us. Thank you so much for waiting

Comments

[amordemealma]

I love Blaine's feelings about not even being able to go to the bathroom on his own, the embarrassment he feels over Kurt's over protectiveness. It's so real. But again, I almost expect Blaine to stumble when he first gets up because he doesn't realize just how much damage Kurt did. I think Kurt is being the way he is, not because he sees humans as these weak fragile beings (though there is definitely a bit of that coming into play no doubt) but because he has a better grasp of exactly what he did to Blaine.

(I feel very vindicated in my analysis of Blaine's perception of his condition when He has that moment after he gets up where his legs scream and feel weak, and he's completely lightheaded and needs a moment to regain his composure before he moves.)

The sheets. Dear Lord. That would make my stomach roll as well. I'm surprised that Kurt hasn't at least taken the time to stick them in a bucket of oxyclean to soak yet. Even in his vampire state, Kurt strikes me as the type of person who could not abide stains and sheets being ruined. The plastic over the mattress pad is proof of that enough.

I loved the so stubborn line. Because I think it's the first time that Kurt's really taking in that quality of Blaine. Not that he hasn't seen it before. He went for a very long time with Blaine stubbornly refusing to open the door for Kurt. But I think it's the first time it registers to him. And I think he's seeing what it would be like once they're both vampires and together, and that small smile is because he likes that idea. It's part of what is making him fall in love with Blaine. His stubbornness. It's part of what makes him real and not just another toy or meal to him. It's what makes Blaine unique and stand out in his mind.

When Blaine heads back to the sink to wash his hands, finally starting to feel like a person again instead of a heap of human needs, he cannot stop himself from looking into the mirror to see his own reflection
Absolutely love this description. Because yes. Just yes. This is exactly how I imagine Blaine seeing how Kurt was treating him. Or maybe it's how he just felt himself and he was projecting that on to Kurt's behavior making him feel that way. I know when I was sick for so long, I really didn't feel like a person, rather just a half alive corpse that needed attention and help in order to just stay alive. But Blaine, he doesn't want to feel that way so he projects that onto the one taking care of him and believes that it's Kurt's babying that makes him feel like that. (Ironically enough it was Kurt that caused his weakened state to make him feel like a heap of human needs so the projection is understanding enough.)

Also I'm wondering if When Blaine looks in the mirror and sees himself for the first time, if he's seeing what Kurt sees and is starting to understand why Kurt has been treating him like that. Because he does look so fragile and like a little boy, and not the man that he is?

Oh Poor Blaine. I can't even imagine what he's feeling. Not only that he had to finally give in and let Kurt turn him in order to keep his family and friends safe, but that he had submit himself as Kurt's plaything in order to secure their safety as well. It must be utterly humiliating and dreadful for him. I feel bad, because part of me just wants it all to feel normal and like their falling in love and this beautiful thing, but it can't be because of what Kurt is doing, planning to do, and because of what he holds over him. It's rather a heartbreaking scenario.

And Blaine has honestly never let himself think this far ahead. What happened in the bedroom, and afterward in the shower... that, at least, he had been expected
This doesn't read quite right. He had expected, had been expected, or he had been expecting would all work I think, but as it is, it just sounds a bit...awkward. okay editing mode off now. sorry

[amordemealma]

So...if Kurt doesn't eat...His fridge, obviously it serves a purpose right now when he has a human to feed and to keep alive, but what about before he brought Blaine there? Was it just...decoration? Did he even keep it plugged in? And why would he need such a gorgeous kitchen if he doesn't cook? It seems like a waste of space. Why not get an apartment that has a very small kitchen or a studio space that doesn't even have one? I would think it would save money on rent if he didn't find an apartment with a big kitchen. Or maybe it's just a comfort thing to him? He seems adept and comfortable there, maybe he did a lot of cooking as a human it it's some thing to do or that calms him and he just...likes keeping up the skills? If so, what does he do with the food that he cooks? Does he like, bring it to a soup kitchen to fatten up the homeless that he then kills and feeds from later? oh god. My brain has gotten carried away again. I'm sorry, I just think about things like this.

I'm so relieved to see that Blaine has much of the same thought process as I do in regards to the kitchen and the job and all that. It makes me feel not so crazy for letting my mind wander in that fashion. :)

Also...exited to find out what Kurt does for a living... (again, Blaine's thought possesses about the job are eerily similar to my own when I started to wonder about what Kurt does.)

Blaine's sudden ache for his parents and Kurt's concern is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking for Blaine because of the obvious, but also because Kurt's concern is not necessarily for Blaine. It seems a little selfish. Because to him, he doesn't see a reason for him to be upset. To him, he's being gentle and loving and so gracious, providing everything that Blaine could need. He doesn't see the horror in the situation. Doesn't comprehend the heartbreaking finality of leaving everything behind. Doesn't understand the bitterness that Blaine could harbor because of all that. It's just...sad.

And the feelings of heartbreak and bitterness continues as Blaine's fear settles in and then Kurt, in an effort to comfort him, to make him feel okay says the one thing that makes everything not okay. That Pulls every horror in to the forefront. The one thing that couldn't have hurt worse if Kurt was trying to make him hurt.  “I promise you won't miss them, beautiful. You won't. Not once I make you like me.” I realize Kurt thought he was saying the right thing, thought he was being comforting, and think that's what makes it hurt all the more. Because he doesn't see how awful what he's saying really is. He doesn't comprehend the hurt and betrayal that accompanies that statement.

Kurt's statement -”Of course it will be you.” I wonder if Kurt really feels that way about himself. That He still see's his vampire self the same way he saw his human self, or if it's just so long he's forgotten. Or at least, being a vampire has made it possible to not care that he's not the same person he was before, so when Blaine makes that statement, that it won't be him, Kurt it doesn't even register that yes, it won't be him, because Kurt is not who he was before. It's an interesting thought process to say the least.

Oh and Blaine just giving in and letting it feel good. My heart aches at that. It's just him giving up. He can't do anything else because he realizes that he'll never get Kurt to understand, that Kurt will never have the capabilities of giving emotional comfort and that the only comfort he can give is physical. So he just lets it happen. God, that's just so heartbreaking to me.

[amordemealma]

And the fact that he just empties himself of all emotion about it. Just lets it happen so he doesn't have to dwell on anything, the before or after or what Kurt's doing, harsh statement, but it feels very much like a rape victim letting their mind drift and disconnect so that the horrors being done to them don't register and they can keep existing cause there's no other way to cope. I hate comparing Blaine to a rape victim, but...I think it's the closest comparison I can come up with. After all, Kurt has virtually kidnapped him, and although it's 'consensual' because Blaine has surrendered, it's only done because he feels like he has no other choice. It just...makes me not like Kurt very much when looked at in that perspective.

. The dreams bleed into reality, and reality bleeds back into the dreams until Blaine can barely differentiate between the two.
Oh God. What a lovely picture. Again, completely heartbreaking, because there's no escape for blaine now. None whatsoever. He can't even let his mind break free from his reality because it all just loops together. I imagine that makes the time feel even longer because it all melds into one and he no longer recognizes the difference between dreams and reality. okay complete dork moment, I have to share. I was writing the word escape and all the sudden my mind jumps to “ess-caup-eh. That's funny that's spelled just like the word escape!” I'm sorry. I'm writing about this beautiful, poignant, heartbreaking moment and I ruin it with a finding nemo reference.

Even sleep provides no break from Kurt’s soft words, or his cloying touches, or the sharp heated pleasure-pain of his teeth piercing through Blaine’s skin.
The pleasure-pain of his teeth. Oh goodness. I always felt that Blaine would be reduced to this. That Kurt would bite and drink so often that Blaine would start to feel a sick pleasure from it, I feel fairly certain that in the end, the pain part will not even register any more and it all becomes pleasure for him. I'm predicting that it will be then when Blaine is so lost and broken down that he can't even register the pain of what's happening to him that Kurt will give in and turn him. Just a prediction. I honestly couldn't care less if I was right or not, but...at least that's where I see this going right now.

Blaine's breakdown. I feel like I'm over using the word heartbreaking, but....it's the best description available for how this chapter is making me feel. Also it feels...inevitable, and inescapable. Like there was no other outcome for it. Because if my life had been reduced to sex and blood and pain, I think I would break down too.

He breaks down with Kurt holding him close against his chest as though he’s something precious, stroking loving hands through dark curls and whispering shhh, Blaine, it’s fine, it’s all fine now, I’ve got you against his skin. 
And somehow, I think that would make it even worse for Blaine. Because it's the fact that Kurt has him that is making him breakdown. And he's not even allowed to really feel the horror because Kurt just turns it into the physical and makes it all about sex and how horrible that would be for him.

[amordemealma]

Oh goodness the name. I'm shaking. Seriously. Because that first time, when Kurt says Blaine's name, it's like a battle won for Blaine. He feels more humanized, he feels like Kurt sees him as a person and not just a thing. And now, he can't even hold onto that as comfort. Because the one thing that gave him pleasure, to hear his name drip from Kurt's lips, is just one more thing that solidifies his presence in the world as nothing more than Kurt's possession. He has truly lost all of himself, all of his identity. Not even his name is is own anymore. It's almost as if Blaine ceases to exist, even before Kurt changes him. Because how Blaine was, he's not that anymore even now. He lost all hold on himself by giving in and letting Kurt do as he wants. That's truly such a horrifying existence. Kurt changing him has now not become some dreaded thing that one day will happen in my mind, but...almost like a release. Once he's a vampire, Blaine although not himself, will at least have his own identity again. Changing him then becomes almost a mercy rather than something to dread.

*sigh*. I almost had this to four comment boxes. no seriously this last paragraph almost fit in the one before, but when I went to world count to check my character number i was at 4301. *facepalm* oh well, I guess i have more room to gush over this part now instead of just ending the comment.

This is utterly brilliant. I can't wait to read more. but unfortunately, I once again underestimated how long it would take me to read and comment on your fic. apparently four hours is only enough time to get me through one part. But I will be back after work tonight to finish it, so hopefully the second part of my overly long reviews will trickle in late tonight absurdly early tomorrow morning

I love your work bb. Can't wait to see where this is all headed!

[emilianadarling]

Wonderful to see you again, bb!!

Aha, yes, I’m quite used to donating blood as well! (When they let me. Stupid anemia.) So it was very amusing for me, having Kurt feed Blaine apple juice and cookies to get Blaine’s strength up again. :3 He’s also emotionally exhausted here, as well; it’s definitely not just a physical tiredness, but also a way to get some time to get his head all in place again. It’s definitely apple juice, though! I wanted something sickly sweet to go with the mood. <3 I’m so glad you liked the unaware drifting, because it was a bit tricky to write - it’s usually something you experience while you’re very sleepy and just waking up, so finding the words was hard, haha! And it’s definitely a very sweet scene... if you ignore the reason for it, of course.

Blaine mostly has stayed awake, but he has been drifting a bit; he’s been hanging on almost-sleep for a long while at that point. Mostly the second reason, though; he’s just very weak at the moment. Kurt definitely drank a little more deeply than he would do in the future, though; one big drink to quench his thirst and satisfy himself, but he knows that he’s going to have to pace himself after that if he wants to keep Blaine alive. Also, yes, poor Blaine and his head injury to boot! Poor thing, he’s just a mess.

I would personally say that, yes, Kurt is being patronizing - but he doesn’t realize what he’s doing at all. Taking care of a human being over an extended period of time? God, Kurt probably hasn’t had to do that since he was human. And he hasn’t been human for so long that I would say that Kurt has largely forgotten what’s embarrassing/humiliating/patronizing at all. Blaine is weak, but he does realize just about how weak he is; he’s just willing to attempt to stand on his own even if it means hurting and possibly stumbling. Plus, standing up after losing blood = always hard!

That line is from Chapter One, yes!! (AW YEAH FORESHADOWING OVER 100,000 WORDS AGO.) It made me very pleased that a few people were catching onto the fact a few chapters ago that, yes, Kurt is a very lonely individual in his own way . Maybe he wasn’t capable of really realizing that until he met Blaine and got a hint of all the things he COULD have, but I definitely think that Kurt has been quietly and unknowingly lonely for a very long time indeed. I would agree with you about the questions; not just to see if Blaine was going to be missed, but very much to confirm the fact that Blaine needed him too.

I’m glad you enjoyed the bathroom line, actually. It’s something just humiliating and cringe-inducing enough to feel human, I think, not wanting someone to see you like that. Kurt definitely knows just how weak Blaine is, yes - but I think he’s also attempting to take care of him in misguided ways out of a lack of understanding of Blaine’s mindset. It seems easier to just pick Blaine up and help him, right? So why not do that?

The plastic over the mattress... :/ A very unsettling idea, for sure, but definitely a very Kurt idea. But Kurt’s done one better, actually; he’s bought several of the same sheetset and is just going to throw the bloodstained ones right out. Replacing the mattress would be a bit much, it’s true; but he didn’t want to have to hold himself back or go halfway with his first time drinking from Blaine. He purchased a lot of bedding recently.

Completely agree with your analysis of the ‘stubborn’ line. <3 It’s actually rather sweet, in a way. I mean... Kurt has known that Blaine is stubborn for a while, and it is an appealing thing to him, but it HAD also been an annoyance with his refusal to open the door. But just wanting to stand on his own? That is cute, and strong, and Kurt is most definitely casting his mind into their future together. And quite frankly? The fact that Kurt can appreciate Blaine’s little traits like stubbornness AT ALL is rather a telling indication of how strong his feelings are, actually.

Oh, I’m so glad you liked the ‘heap of human needs’ line! SO with you about how you feel when you’re sick; like you’re not even you anymore, you’re just sore and hurt and thirsty and awful and you require attention. When you’re that thirsty, all you can think about is your thirst; the same goes for hunger.

[emilianadarling]

Blaine definitely looks far too young when he looks in the mirror; it probably does help him understand why Kurt is babying him, but it’s still a prickly feeling for sure. His mindset is just so, so interesting to try to get into with this scenario. It’s such a complex, sticky mess of emotions that don’t necessarily make sense and aren’t really coherent but he can’t help it. It’s humiliating, and awful, and nice, and sweet, and horrific all at once. And it’s all counting down to what will inevitably happen. Oh, Blainers. :(

Thanks for catching the typo! Silly girl, don’t apologize for that. I don’t use a beta, so I always appreciate typo catches. No need to feel awkward, seriously!

In response to your question: Kurt’s kitchen is purely decoration, just like the attractive curtains that hang beside his windows even though the light is entirely blocked out by the film. It’s completely unnecessary - but it looks nice, and it’s what nice apartments look like, and so he has one. Besides, it would be practically impossible to find an expensive two-bedroom apartment in NYC without a full kitchen of some sort! He may as well have one that looks nice. He has all of the money he could ever want because of his job; why bother cutting corners? He hasn’t cooked since he was human, though. It was completely unused until he knew Blaine was coming.

Confession: I ALWAYS think about practical things like money and rent when it comes to supernatural monsters. IT’S JUST HARDWIRED INTO MY BRAIN I CANNOT HELP IT.

I love that Kurt’s utter incomprehension of some of Blaine’s human emotions is coming through loud and clear; really, in addition to conveying Blaine’s continuing horror over the situation, that was really the point of the exchange. The fact that Kurt cannot comprehend why Blaine is upset, in some ways. He actually can’t, he’s not designed to. It’s not biologically easy for him to relate to Blaine at all. And to some extent, yes; he’s being gracious and kind and taking care of Blaine, and he’s already won now, so why is Blaine still upset? It’s definitely a very sad state.

And really, Kurt’s “it won’t hurt once I make you like me”? God, he really does think that that’s very much a comforting statement. But you’re right that the fact that he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND just makes Blaine hurt more - maybe even more than the actual horrific sentiment itself. (And it really is horrific, isn’t it? Imagine someone telling you ‘you won’t love or care about your parents soon’. That’s awful.)

Now that chapter nine has been released, I can honestly say that Kurt really does feel that way about himself. He genuinely, actually sees himself as the same but better; being a vampire allows him to feel that way. Glad that you’re intrigued by the thought process!

But yes: there really isn’t anything that Blaine can do except give up and let it feel good, at this point. Sorry to break your heart, bb. :( You’re completely right about letting it happen partially so that he doesn’t have to dwell anymore, too; it’s a wonderful distraction, and it feels nice, and it’s just better to just let it happen. Also, I find it interesting that you find describing Blaine as a rape victim is a harsh term; he very much is a rape victim in all sorts of important ways. He’s given consent a few times for individual acts, but he has absolutely no choice in whether or not he’s there at all. The consent issues in this story are just ABSURD, and Blaine just isn’t noticing a lot of it. But Blaine is a very, very unreliable narrator and can’t be trusted to articulate the way things empirically are.

I figured you would enjoy the ‘dreams’ aspect. ;) You’re so right about there being no escape whatsoever, now, and ‘looping together’ is a perfect description. It makes sense, though, at least in my head; he’s in such intense proximity to Kurt all the time that all his brain can do to handle the situation is mimic it while he sleeps. Of course, that’s a VERY confusing and upsetting thing to happen to him.

[emilianadarling]

When it comes to the pain, I think there’s definitely a VERY important distinction over the kind of pain Kurt is making him feel. As we saw last chapter, Kurt is being tremendously careful; his face didn’t transform at all when he drank from Blaine, and he limited himself to two fangs instead of a monstrous mouth of teeth. He’s being careful not to make it hurt too much, and to intersperse it all with sex and pleasure and make it all confusing. The human body is a remarkable thing in that it can acclimatize to so, so much. It makes sense that while everything is kept at this low-burning level, it’s possible for Blaine to get used to it. If Kurt were to actually let loose? That would fucking hurt, and nothing could stop it from fucking hurting like nothing else.

And oh, Blaine’s breakdown. :( I would definitely be breaking down like crazy by that point, for sure. You’re very right that Kurt saying ‘I have you, it’s fine’ is the most ridiculous thing, and it can’t make Blaine feel better. Not really. But he isn’t allowed to really feel it; Kurt would rather that he feel good, in the end, and so that’s how he’s made to feel.

Also it feels...inevitable, and inescapable. Like there was no other outcome for it. <-- this, this, this. Exactly this.

I love the attention you pay to the use of Blaine’s name. Yes, yes, yes. He definitely felt much more humanized, last chapter; you’re so right that it was a victory. And it still is, but... maybe not so much. Maybe not in the way that Blaine had thought. His own name isn’t his anymore, what a gorgeous description. It’s another way that everything that makes Blaine Blaine is being taken away with careful precision, and I don’t know that Kurt even realizes. It’s a sweet thing, for him. A term of quiet endearment. You’re very right that, for Blaine, there simply is no going back.

So glad that you enjoyed reading! Thank you very much for the wonderful piece of feedback - I really appreciate it, as always!!!