(no subject)
fuck. apparently you're supposed to talk in to these things. i used to be a smart kid. and a good kid. then i knew you. YOU. bastard. that's okay, though. i don't think i'd be happy without all these changes. i'd still be emily from back in the day. which probably means i'd be dead. that's okay. i'm quite drunk right now. so either i'll forget i wrote this (which is okay, because myspace is oh so much more trendy and lots of people readit instead) or i'll delete it soonenoughtnottomatter.maybe i'll juststopmakingspaciesbetweenmyword. itmkaes it so much more FAAAAASCINATING. i remember aday when iwasat the church and it was during one of those manyhard times and the pastor spoke and i started crying about the hopelessnessofitall, and it was the second orthirdtime and my mom tookme into our van because icouldn'tdriveyet and on the way home she spoke angrilytome about how she supposedwe'd have to see acounselor now (she sounded furious about how very imperfect i was) and how she didn't know what to do anymore. and i just cried. that's all you can do sometimes, when you ask to go home so you can take all the painkillers and use them allat once. that's what i planned. and then she stayed. i didn't want her thaere when ididit. thentherewas the freezer. that wastheotherplan, butitdidn't pan out. i was going to drive my car into so many trreeeeees. there are a lot of trees in wasilla. there are a lot of place s to makeitallgoaway. butnow i don't want it to. i don't think. because ithink i'm better now. but the memories will never end. they go on and on like the celluloid.
and the nicotine keeps coming back to keepmefuckingcompany. why? why is nicotine more faithful than a mother and a dad? they are faithful, but they don't stay through the good and the bad. when the bad comes, they blame whateverisconvenient, and thenhere iamstuck withfuckinglung cancer someday. or a malcontent liver. don't get me wrong, my liver is so approvingright now. and my taste buds feel like home with thenicotine in my mouth right now. thenumbness and the tingling tell me that everything will be betterforever AND EVEEEEERRRRR. andthat makes me happy again. who needs a home? if there is a me. an EMILY. a girl who can last through tough shit and keepbeing happy. you all knew me when i was carefree. i have cares now, but ia m still FREE. i dont need you to say angrily that i'm not perfect enough to be part of your perfect club.
i was lost, but now am found. i was even lost today, but i found myself...iwas in my own head. just pacing, because that's my habit. but icanfindmyself in that velvet fucking abyss. it's okay. because i don't need to trust any of you.
just trust myself.
and the nicotine keeps coming back to keepmefuckingcompany. why? why is nicotine more faithful than a mother and a dad? they are faithful, but they don't stay through the good and the bad. when the bad comes, they blame whateverisconvenient, and thenhere iamstuck withfuckinglung cancer someday. or a malcontent liver. don't get me wrong, my liver is so approvingright now. and my taste buds feel like home with thenicotine in my mouth right now. thenumbness and the tingling tell me that everything will be betterforever AND EVEEEEERRRRR. andthat makes me happy again. who needs a home? if there is a me. an EMILY. a girl who can last through tough shit and keepbeing happy. you all knew me when i was carefree. i have cares now, but ia m still FREE. i dont need you to say angrily that i'm not perfect enough to be part of your perfect club.
i was lost, but now am found. i was even lost today, but i found myself...iwas in my own head. just pacing, because that's my habit. but icanfindmyself in that velvet fucking abyss. it's okay. because i don't need to trust any of you.
just trust myself.