The Christmas Conundrum
So my birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 32. That's really weird to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm celebrating another birthday. There was a time when it was possible that I might not make it to my 30s because of my mental state. But it's hard because I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at 32 when I was younger.
Here's the rub: I don't know how to feel about my Christmas birthday anymore. When I was a kid, my mom made sure that I felt like we were celebrating my birthday just as much as we were celebrating Christ's. We would open our Christmas presents that morning. Then we'd have Christmas dinner around noon-1pm. That afternoon, my cousin Beth and Sis would make my red velvet cake from scratch while Mom and my Aunt Eileen would take down the Christmas decorations in the dining room and put up birthday ones. Nowadays, that's not really how it goes. It feels like my birthday has been put on the back burner. That it's Christmas first, and my birthday second, instead of the equal sharing I used to get when I was a kid.
Of course, this feeling comes with some guilt. Why can't I be happy to share my birthday with Christ anymore? Shouldn't I feel blessed to be born on Christmas instead of kind of resentful that I have to share?
I've always been jealous of people who have a birthday on any other day of the year. They don't have this problem. Some people even celebrate birthday weeks, instead of just one day. They can have a party on their birthday. They get to open presents twice a year at both Christmas and their birthday. That day is designated as their day, and there's no talk of it being someone else's first. When I was younger, we used to throw a kind of un-birthday party in the summer when my friends could come. That was lovely, though awkward because I didn't have many friends (my favorite was my 9th which was an NKOTB party. I had a 2 tier cake with the NKOTB picture on the top. It was awesome). That tradition stopped in middle school. I didn't really mind
Mom, Sis and I were discussing Christmas dinner and my birthday cake plans last night. I said I wanted a chocolate cake with plain white icing (something I love). Sis immediately vetoed this. I was like, "Um, it's MY cake, why do you have a say?" But Mom decided that I needed to pick a cake that everyone would eat. I'm not quite sure why I had to compromise on my birthday cake. Isn't it my prerogative as to what to choose? I had already compromised on what all to get for Christmas dinner -- we decided on a brisket and sides like southern green beans and mashed potatoes. Of course, even that came with a veto of everything I suggested by Sis (I don't know why she's being so contrary, but it's what's happening).
I've always insisted on a few things for my birthday. No one should begrudge me how excited I get about unwrapping presents. I get this one day to open all of my presents, and I want to enjoy it all. All of my birthday presents need to be wrapped in obviously birthday paper. You wrap it in holiday paper, it's a Christmas present. If it's birthday-related, it must be designated as such. When we're celebrating my birthday, it's MY BIRTHDAY, not Christmas at that point. We can go back to it being Christmas later that evening, but give me a couple of hours to myself.
I actually had a semi-argument the other night when trying to explain to Mom and Sis how it feels to share my birthday. Sis seems to feel like I'm ungrateful and selfish. Mom thinks I should still feel special and not complain. It's become hopeless to try to make them understand the tug-of-war that happens inside of me each year. I tried to explain that when we celebrated Mom and Sis's birthday in October, we spent four whole days on them. We went to do things they wanted to do. We went to restaurants they wanted to eat at. We got them birthday presents. Me? If I'm lucky, I get a few hours spent acknowledging my birthday. My friends are so busy with their own celebrations that I rarely get birthday wishes on my birthday (most come during the days after).
I really don't like even complaining about all of this. I feel obligated to feel blessed and not kind of screwed over. But it's also hard to not feel rather ignored. Maybe some day things will be different. But for now, I just want to make it through without a fight. Because that's one of the new traditions, it seems. If I make any overture about how I want a couple of hours dedicated to me, I get snapped at for having those feelings, and that generally boils down into a fight which ruins things.
That's all I want for Christmas, really. A day without fighting, and a day when I get a few hours that are about me. Also? To maybe be able to hold all of my food down and not throw up anything. I feel like I'm getting better, but I'm still running a fever. (My list of accomplishments yesterday was "brushed hair" and "didn't throw up.")
On a better note, I hope everyone has a great holiday, no matter what you're celebrating, if at all.
One of my friends lives in South Korea. About 12ish hours before midnight here, I get a Facebook message from him that always says "Happy Birthday/Christmas/Festivus x." He posted a picture of his Festivus pole in his apartment. I wished him a Happy Festivus and that I hoped he didn't have too many grievances to air.
Here's the rub: I don't know how to feel about my Christmas birthday anymore. When I was a kid, my mom made sure that I felt like we were celebrating my birthday just as much as we were celebrating Christ's. We would open our Christmas presents that morning. Then we'd have Christmas dinner around noon-1pm. That afternoon, my cousin Beth and Sis would make my red velvet cake from scratch while Mom and my Aunt Eileen would take down the Christmas decorations in the dining room and put up birthday ones. Nowadays, that's not really how it goes. It feels like my birthday has been put on the back burner. That it's Christmas first, and my birthday second, instead of the equal sharing I used to get when I was a kid.
Of course, this feeling comes with some guilt. Why can't I be happy to share my birthday with Christ anymore? Shouldn't I feel blessed to be born on Christmas instead of kind of resentful that I have to share?
I've always been jealous of people who have a birthday on any other day of the year. They don't have this problem. Some people even celebrate birthday weeks, instead of just one day. They can have a party on their birthday. They get to open presents twice a year at both Christmas and their birthday. That day is designated as their day, and there's no talk of it being someone else's first. When I was younger, we used to throw a kind of un-birthday party in the summer when my friends could come. That was lovely, though awkward because I didn't have many friends (my favorite was my 9th which was an NKOTB party. I had a 2 tier cake with the NKOTB picture on the top. It was awesome). That tradition stopped in middle school. I didn't really mind
Mom, Sis and I were discussing Christmas dinner and my birthday cake plans last night. I said I wanted a chocolate cake with plain white icing (something I love). Sis immediately vetoed this. I was like, "Um, it's MY cake, why do you have a say?" But Mom decided that I needed to pick a cake that everyone would eat. I'm not quite sure why I had to compromise on my birthday cake. Isn't it my prerogative as to what to choose? I had already compromised on what all to get for Christmas dinner -- we decided on a brisket and sides like southern green beans and mashed potatoes. Of course, even that came with a veto of everything I suggested by Sis (I don't know why she's being so contrary, but it's what's happening).
I've always insisted on a few things for my birthday. No one should begrudge me how excited I get about unwrapping presents. I get this one day to open all of my presents, and I want to enjoy it all. All of my birthday presents need to be wrapped in obviously birthday paper. You wrap it in holiday paper, it's a Christmas present. If it's birthday-related, it must be designated as such. When we're celebrating my birthday, it's MY BIRTHDAY, not Christmas at that point. We can go back to it being Christmas later that evening, but give me a couple of hours to myself.
I actually had a semi-argument the other night when trying to explain to Mom and Sis how it feels to share my birthday. Sis seems to feel like I'm ungrateful and selfish. Mom thinks I should still feel special and not complain. It's become hopeless to try to make them understand the tug-of-war that happens inside of me each year. I tried to explain that when we celebrated Mom and Sis's birthday in October, we spent four whole days on them. We went to do things they wanted to do. We went to restaurants they wanted to eat at. We got them birthday presents. Me? If I'm lucky, I get a few hours spent acknowledging my birthday. My friends are so busy with their own celebrations that I rarely get birthday wishes on my birthday (most come during the days after).
I really don't like even complaining about all of this. I feel obligated to feel blessed and not kind of screwed over. But it's also hard to not feel rather ignored. Maybe some day things will be different. But for now, I just want to make it through without a fight. Because that's one of the new traditions, it seems. If I make any overture about how I want a couple of hours dedicated to me, I get snapped at for having those feelings, and that generally boils down into a fight which ruins things.
That's all I want for Christmas, really. A day without fighting, and a day when I get a few hours that are about me. Also? To maybe be able to hold all of my food down and not throw up anything. I feel like I'm getting better, but I'm still running a fever. (My list of accomplishments yesterday was "brushed hair" and "didn't throw up.")
On a better note, I hope everyone has a great holiday, no matter what you're celebrating, if at all.
One of my friends lives in South Korea. About 12ish hours before midnight here, I get a Facebook message from him that always says "Happy Birthday/Christmas/Festivus x." He posted a picture of his Festivus pole in his apartment. I wished him a Happy Festivus and that I hoped he didn't have too many grievances to air.