Attempting to stay calm
Had my second MRI, this time with contrast, Tuesday at 6-fucking-30 in the morning. It was freezing outside, with a windchill of lower 20s (and even colder with the ridiculously strong wind gusts). It turned out that the damn thing was scheduled at the other charity hospital in town, not the one where my neurologist is based. Joy. While Ben Taub isn't great, it's a HELL of a lot better than LBJ. That place is a pit of despair. NO ONE seems to enjoy working there, and I don't blame them. I was in a very grouchy mood, since I was seriously worried about the test -- claustrophobia to the HILT -- and also the results. I was told to stop at the ER cashier's office to check in. Naturally, she wasn't there. So I went to the ER. They told me to wait. I told them NO, they should get her in there RIGHT NOW DAMMIT. When the guy still balked, "Well, I'm in admissions, and I have other people to check in," I went through the roof. In a very calm, but very intense/angry voice, I growled, "Well, I'm here at 6 in the morning to have an emergency MRI of my brain because they're trying to figure out IF I HAVE CANCER. Please get on the phone and FIND THE CASHIER so she can do her job, and I can get this over with." It's very unlikely that I do have a tumor (and almost certainly not cancerous) BTW, but I had a feeling explaining that they're trying to figure out what the T2 anomaly they discovered is just wouldn't have the same effect. The woman at the next window peered over and told us to give her a minute to figure out where the cashier was. It turned out she had bugged out from her spot to go hang out in the cafeteria. NICE ETHICS. Then, of course, we were given faulty directions and got lost on the way to MRI. When we finally found it, the damn thing wasn't open and no one was there. I just completely hit the fan. Mom was doing her best to not engage me. The nearest spot to sit down was halfway back to the ER. Mom walked back and forth between the office and the waiting room as she kept checking to see if they were open. Finally, fifteen minutes after they were supposed to open, they finally did. After checking in, they sent me down the hall to the actual MRI area. I got stuck with the single radiologist who was just finishing his shift and was in a pissy mood. I was trying to make what light I could of the situation, "Well, I hope that you'll at least find a brain in there...." but he was totally not working with me. Even though I'd explained about the claustrophobia (the worst parts are when they slide the cage thingy over my head, trapping me flat, and when I slide into the tube and my arms are smushed up against my chest), he wouldn't take the cage off when he took me out so he could inject the dye. Being stuck flat on the table, I couldn't see what he was doing, and I started to panic. He didn't care, even when I specifically asked that he take the thing off because I was panicking. (That reaction is actually more of a PTSD thing from my child abuse trauma - I mean, dark room, doctor, being trapped on the table, having shit injected in me ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN A BAD WAY, so even having that happen in a clinical setting is FUCKING SCARY.) If I hadn't had 2mg of Ativan on board, I most likely would have started to try and free myself. It was finally, mercifully over after another 30 minutes in a thunking, buzzing tube. I went home and crashed so hard, I slept for over 12 hours.
I still haven't heard anything from my neurologist. Last time, he called me about 2 days after the scan. It's been that, with no call. I'm starting to wonder and worry about what he may not want to tell me on the phone, since he wouldn't be able to get me in any sooner to see him than my scheduled appointment on Valentine's Day. If you could say a prayer, or send good thoughts, or whatever you do, to me that everything's fine and that's why he's not calling, I'd much appreciate it.
In other news, Mom, Sis, and I have been living on next-to-no money these last two weeks having used up almost all of Mom's paycheck for rent and about $350 worth of medications from Walgreens (30 Lexapro, 7 Lyrica, and one pack of my 3-month birth control). This is why the Republicans shouldn't repeal the Affordable Health Care Act. People like me need access to certain medicines at a discounted rate. Because paying over $100 for only 2 weeks worth of one medication is FUCKING ABSURD. So far, we've done well and been very judicious with our spending. These last couple of days have been rather difficult, however. Mom was forced to forgo some of the items on our list last night because she couldn't afford everything. We ended up only being able to get the cat food, and not toilet paper. This is what we've been reduced to - using kleenex and paper towels. Yeah. What's amazing is that during this whole time, we haven't had a single fight. I KNOW. Amazing. Mom and I have watched shows peacefully together for two straight weeks. I think she's starting to trust that I'm not going to get mad if she asks me to be quiet during a show, and trust that she can even SAY that to me at all. I really feel like she's done some major work in reworking how she communicates with me. There's a lot more openness on her part, which really helps me to understand where she's coming from and therefore know how to react (and how she'll react back).
Finally, in happy news, Monica and her family are LOVING AJ. They've re-named him Charlie -- I'm thinking for Chaplin, since he has the little black mustache. She says that he's fit right in. That he's completely bonded with her husband, which I predicted would be the case. Her daughter, who received him as a present from Santa, is completely smitten. And Monica just loves him and says he's so fun and funny. They gave him one of those beds with the raised sides and a notch at the front to allow the cat to step in. She says he'll flip it over during the day and use it as a cave/fort to hide and sneak-attack people from. SO CUTE. I'm so so glad that they're loving him so much. Makes me warm and fuzzy.
Oh, also in cute news, Cole and Fluffy have been cuddling with me at night since it gets so cold in the living room. It's nice having kitties to cuddle with. I woke up this morning on my back, with Cole nestled up against my side and my arm around him. I died of cute. He's currently warming himself by the heat exhaust fan on my laptop. (He was resting right up against it, which blocked enough of the heat that the fan kicked into high gear. I moved him after that, since I don't want my new one to die of heat stroke like my last laptop.)
I still haven't heard anything from my neurologist. Last time, he called me about 2 days after the scan. It's been that, with no call. I'm starting to wonder and worry about what he may not want to tell me on the phone, since he wouldn't be able to get me in any sooner to see him than my scheduled appointment on Valentine's Day. If you could say a prayer, or send good thoughts, or whatever you do, to me that everything's fine and that's why he's not calling, I'd much appreciate it.
In other news, Mom, Sis, and I have been living on next-to-no money these last two weeks having used up almost all of Mom's paycheck for rent and about $350 worth of medications from Walgreens (30 Lexapro, 7 Lyrica, and one pack of my 3-month birth control). This is why the Republicans shouldn't repeal the Affordable Health Care Act. People like me need access to certain medicines at a discounted rate. Because paying over $100 for only 2 weeks worth of one medication is FUCKING ABSURD. So far, we've done well and been very judicious with our spending. These last couple of days have been rather difficult, however. Mom was forced to forgo some of the items on our list last night because she couldn't afford everything. We ended up only being able to get the cat food, and not toilet paper. This is what we've been reduced to - using kleenex and paper towels. Yeah. What's amazing is that during this whole time, we haven't had a single fight. I KNOW. Amazing. Mom and I have watched shows peacefully together for two straight weeks. I think she's starting to trust that I'm not going to get mad if she asks me to be quiet during a show, and trust that she can even SAY that to me at all. I really feel like she's done some major work in reworking how she communicates with me. There's a lot more openness on her part, which really helps me to understand where she's coming from and therefore know how to react (and how she'll react back).
Finally, in happy news, Monica and her family are LOVING AJ. They've re-named him Charlie -- I'm thinking for Chaplin, since he has the little black mustache. She says that he's fit right in. That he's completely bonded with her husband, which I predicted would be the case. Her daughter, who received him as a present from Santa, is completely smitten. And Monica just loves him and says he's so fun and funny. They gave him one of those beds with the raised sides and a notch at the front to allow the cat to step in. She says he'll flip it over during the day and use it as a cave/fort to hide and sneak-attack people from. SO CUTE. I'm so so glad that they're loving him so much. Makes me warm and fuzzy.
Oh, also in cute news, Cole and Fluffy have been cuddling with me at night since it gets so cold in the living room. It's nice having kitties to cuddle with. I woke up this morning on my back, with Cole nestled up against my side and my arm around him. I died of cute. He's currently warming himself by the heat exhaust fan on my laptop. (He was resting right up against it, which blocked enough of the heat that the fan kicked into high gear. I moved him after that, since I don't want my new one to die of heat stroke like my last laptop.)