That clam bake wasn't headed for any good news.
Wouldn't it be great if life fit into a bottle. Something you could stare at and shake.
I always forget I have this. I always forget I'm the only one who reads this. I always remember that I don't care.
I really want to feel alive again, I can't remember the last time I was constantly happy for severals days. I'm sure it happens but then somewhere deep down inside I tumble back to feeling empty inside. I'm not nearly as bleh as I used to be. However I notice a definite antsy-ness to me. I don't want to stay places long. I want to feel like I'm spinning even when I'm standing still. Spinning and smiling with the stars aligned for me.
I never realized all the things I relied on my mom for. All the things I asked her advice on and trusted every time, cause now I'm lost without it. And I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I feel bad for my dad I'll never be able to give him what my mom gave him. I can't buy things and make holidays nice. But some selfish part of me still wants those things.
I hate that every time I talk to my dad he asks me to help him get rid of my mom's stuff. I never thought I was that sort of person who held onto things like that. But I like going over there and looking at her things, I can sort and mingle in her life forever. I always want to find some sort of item or relic that she left for me, but I'm no idiot there isn't one.
How could I have been so fucking blind? So blind to the obvious? Why didn't I see the signs, why didn't I listen to people? I should have talked with her more in the last years, before it got to the point where it saddened me that I couldn't talk to her. There's just so...much...I never knew? I want to know everything but I can't and I don't have any more chances. There's no passing Go and no collecting that $200. *poof* opportunity gone. And now I feel like I should use this life lesson to remember not to forget people. Those strange long lost cousins, the aunts you never see, ect. Because life really is short. I don't want to fuck mine up any more than I already have.
I hate that sometimes I screaming to burst open and pound the air. Sometimes I want to tell and pour my heart and soul out to someone, I always have. This is a recurring theme to my life. I used to always just think people weren't there for me or they didn't care but I've come to realize that I just don't offer up the information. But I'm afraid I'd cry, cause I cry when I think about it, I can only imagine what happens when I speak it. That's something else that bothers me, I don't like crying myself to sleep at night. That's not normal and healthy.
I always forget I have this. I always forget I'm the only one who reads this. I always remember that I don't care.
I really want to feel alive again, I can't remember the last time I was constantly happy for severals days. I'm sure it happens but then somewhere deep down inside I tumble back to feeling empty inside. I'm not nearly as bleh as I used to be. However I notice a definite antsy-ness to me. I don't want to stay places long. I want to feel like I'm spinning even when I'm standing still. Spinning and smiling with the stars aligned for me.
I never realized all the things I relied on my mom for. All the things I asked her advice on and trusted every time, cause now I'm lost without it. And I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I feel bad for my dad I'll never be able to give him what my mom gave him. I can't buy things and make holidays nice. But some selfish part of me still wants those things.
I hate that every time I talk to my dad he asks me to help him get rid of my mom's stuff. I never thought I was that sort of person who held onto things like that. But I like going over there and looking at her things, I can sort and mingle in her life forever. I always want to find some sort of item or relic that she left for me, but I'm no idiot there isn't one.
How could I have been so fucking blind? So blind to the obvious? Why didn't I see the signs, why didn't I listen to people? I should have talked with her more in the last years, before it got to the point where it saddened me that I couldn't talk to her. There's just so...much...I never knew? I want to know everything but I can't and I don't have any more chances. There's no passing Go and no collecting that $200. *poof* opportunity gone. And now I feel like I should use this life lesson to remember not to forget people. Those strange long lost cousins, the aunts you never see, ect. Because life really is short. I don't want to fuck mine up any more than I already have.
I hate that sometimes I screaming to burst open and pound the air. Sometimes I want to tell and pour my heart and soul out to someone, I always have. This is a recurring theme to my life. I used to always just think people weren't there for me or they didn't care but I've come to realize that I just don't offer up the information. But I'm afraid I'd cry, cause I cry when I think about it, I can only imagine what happens when I speak it. That's something else that bothers me, I don't like crying myself to sleep at night. That's not normal and healthy.