i know youre out there
a few things: i have been doing a ton of thinking lately. about this place. i guess i dont really know how to word it right but i am going to try my best. its just, why is it the way it is? like i mean, i am a 17 year old kid. a child. we are all children. why am i dealing with this shit. i dont even go to school yet people still fucking gossip about me and how shitty of a person i am. im trying hard not to offend anyone with this one. im trying not to be an A-HOLE here. i.do.not.fit.the.status.quo.of.an.acceptable.human.being.in.this.fucking.nightmare. help me out. i want to kmow why i am a piece of shit because i do things you lemmings dont wanna do? i think i have fought long and hard to keep up a title as that clean cut sensitive guy for so long. i feel like im a 50 year old man. its time for me to come out here guys. yeh, so i smoke cigarettes? how does it affect you? ill tell you one thing, you wont be around me long enough to see me dying on a hospital bed. you wont be by my side. i want you to be by my side. i want you to stick around. dont let go of my hand. im having a hard time. i need your hand. i need you to tell me you love me and mean it. i wanna hear it leave your lips while i see your watering eyes and while you are grasping me like a lost lover. i dont wanna see it in a myspace comment. i never hear it anymore. i admit that i have issues. i am emotionally unstable right now. i mean i have dealt with alot during the course of 1 year. i have found love, lost it, found it again, then had it slap me in the face harder than anything ever will. i have felt my life come to screaching hault for other people selfish reasons. i have lost friends, i have lost all possible faith in my family. i dont film much anymore. i dont know, i have bad luck. 4 broken cameras in 2 months? all my chargers broke? tapes dissappeared? like i have alot of faith in god but i am trying to figure out why, if god is somehow up there laughing his ass off at my pathetic struggles, why does he make bad things happen? why does he let hearts break, and tears run. i just want to meet him one day. i want god to walk though my front door any day of the week in any shape or form and explain to me why he made it this way. why would any other feeling but love and happiness even be present? man. i dont know why i harp on shit like this but it bugs me so much. i am being thrown around like a ragdoll. a fucking ragdoll. i want my life back. i want to love and be loved back, forever.