(no subject)
well. i guess i didnt get it all out w that last post. i have alot to say about my retarded feelings and stuff. well here it goes. i am going to storefront for the remainder on the school year. which is ok i guess. well then theres katie. and how ive realized im not getting her back. i hate being in love. its terrible. this is so retarded. my whole fucking life is falling apart. im letting my whole family down w school, i dont even have my gf anymore, and. fuck. this is all just fucked up. and now you all prbly think im a piece of shit becuase i used curse words. and all you kids who are out drinking, and doing coke, and fucking your boyfriend think thats too much to bare. well the thing is i dont give a shit anymore. i am done trying to impress everyone becuase over the coarse of the last 4 years at dhs it has gotten me a measly title. a title that im not satisfied with. the thing is, me being a "good christian" and not fucking the brains out of every girl i get a chance to have sex with and not doing coke every friday with my friends, and holding in all of my anger, and aggression, and all of my sadness, has gotten me nowhere. i only have to deal with all of this bullshit for a short ammount of time longer. i dont think anyone understands. actually. i think you all understand. but you are all too good to tell everyone how you truly feel. and youre all affraid to tell everyone how you feel because you dont want to have all your friends turn on you like what has happenned to others in the past. you want to be accepted. you want to be known as the person you have molded yourself into for the pleasure of your viewers. becuase its all just a sitcom. and then we go home and cry at night. we all sit here on our computers and we become these little emo vegetables. becuase THATS WHAT WE ARE. we all have our secret identities. well heres my identity. heres ME. i go to school everyday and i hope that people arent making fun of me. i try sooo hard to make everyone laugh to distract them from how bad i look. some say i dont look bad, but i interpret it as them being nice so i dont feel bad, becuase they need one more friend to make them feel better in their everyday lives. i slack off in school because i am not interested at all. my dad is interested. the only reason i pass is becuase it is what my dad wants and we all know that if i do not impress my dad then my fucking life is officially fucked. then, i have to keep down my cussing becuase i have to look like a good christian. the key there was "look like". i am a good christian, and i have now realized that looking like one doesnt fucking matter. and singing in church and not cussing isnt going to impress god. the only thing that will impress god is being nice to people and thinking he is real. i guess i then go home and i sit here and i think in my head how i need to get skinny but in actuality i dont need to, i just want too look good for the viewers. i go skating, becuase it is the only thing in life that truely makes me happy. it is prbly the only thing that ever will. then i go home to my sick demented family that tries to look perfect and begs me to join them but i dont let myself become that judgemental of everyone around me. my step mom is a psychotic bitch and only wants my dads money. my dad is my step moms bitch due to the fact that she has a vagina and her name is on the title of our house [that he pays for]. my step brother and step sister get all that they want, and i buy myself everything i want. my family and my life is so fucked up. well i feel alot better after doing that. and i know everyone thinks im a piece of shit now.
goodbye
goodbye