pour me something tall and strong, make it a hurricane...
before I go insane! :P Naw, not really, I am just WIPED out from last night. While things are consistenly mixed with me right now (suppressing inner frustration and unsaid disapproval to straight up balls to the wall, I'm a power-house baby, nothing can take me down!), right now at this second I'm good. I am socially buzzing off all the attention from last night. Julie and I had such an awesome time. One, I learned to two-step, which was the freaking coolest thing ever! This guy had me like all over the place and spinning and dipping and I was getting so dizzy, but somehow I picked it up and had a blast. Two, this one guy was dancing with me for a while and well, I didn't know guys like that paid any attention to me. He was huge and cute too. (By the way, I know this all seems very trivial and unimportant, and it probably is in the long run, but bare with me. Life cannot always be ivory towers and philosophy. Sometimes a girl just has to have fun!) So, I got few zzz's last night and I'm trying to hang on today at work.
Basically, this is the deal. The lack of affirmation in my life has built up to now, and I'm saying *F* that... I want to be ok in the skin that I'm in. I have cared what certain people thought for so long and I am just getting over it. Good gosh... there is so much of life to enjoy and even despair is a gift. I'm not going to be trapped by all of this. I have started reading Kierkegaard's "Sickness Unto Death" and it is so good. Some of the things he says just resonate so deeply within me. I am just so sick of being made to feel guilty for who I am, or that I'm not enough (as if there is an "enough"), or that I have to work hard for affirmation with no hope of ever gaining it. Forget that.
Nathanael says that sometimes people have a hard time understainding what I'm talking about because most of the time I keep everything in. I suppose that's true. How I am supposed to work on that I have no idea, because I still pretty much don't let anyone in unless they want to be. So, if you don't care to keep up in the meantime, you'll miss me alltogether.
Further resolution, I'm not waiting anymore. I'm moving on. It has already begun and the pace has emmensely quickened. Tomorrow I will be different and the next month I will be gone and there will be no being tied to this anymore.
Coming home this semester was the best decision I have ever made.
Anyways, I am going to be gone the whole weekend and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I am excercising my wings. And my body too by the way... yup yours truly has been working out. And, I got a hot new bathing suit for Saturday that is black with pink hearts. well, I'm gonna stop now before I regret my unbelievably good mood.
________________________________________________________________________
Thanks for the night you made me alive.
Basically, this is the deal. The lack of affirmation in my life has built up to now, and I'm saying *F* that... I want to be ok in the skin that I'm in. I have cared what certain people thought for so long and I am just getting over it. Good gosh... there is so much of life to enjoy and even despair is a gift. I'm not going to be trapped by all of this. I have started reading Kierkegaard's "Sickness Unto Death" and it is so good. Some of the things he says just resonate so deeply within me. I am just so sick of being made to feel guilty for who I am, or that I'm not enough (as if there is an "enough"), or that I have to work hard for affirmation with no hope of ever gaining it. Forget that.
Nathanael says that sometimes people have a hard time understainding what I'm talking about because most of the time I keep everything in. I suppose that's true. How I am supposed to work on that I have no idea, because I still pretty much don't let anyone in unless they want to be. So, if you don't care to keep up in the meantime, you'll miss me alltogether.
Further resolution, I'm not waiting anymore. I'm moving on. It has already begun and the pace has emmensely quickened. Tomorrow I will be different and the next month I will be gone and there will be no being tied to this anymore.
Coming home this semester was the best decision I have ever made.
Anyways, I am going to be gone the whole weekend and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I am excercising my wings. And my body too by the way... yup yours truly has been working out. And, I got a hot new bathing suit for Saturday that is black with pink hearts. well, I'm gonna stop now before I regret my unbelievably good mood.
________________________________________________________________________
Thanks for the night you made me alive.