Perhaps, if I was just a little bit stronger...
Once again it's been too long since my last entry. You'll have to forgive these drawn out absences, but when I see my friends list full of these articulate, thoughtful, heartfelt entries I feel like I have nothing of any real significance to say. I mean, the crap is the same, it's just a different day in a different season. But still, I don't like to feel neglectful.
My book is supposed to come out by the end of this week, and as the release draws closer I become more and more convinced that it will be the greatest failure of my life. Despite my publisher's reassurance that everything is okay, I feel like a total disappointment to PublishingRoom, WordClay and Author Solutions, because there is not as much material as there was originally supposed to be and I'm two months behind my deadline of June. I just feel like my work is totally mediocre, like I don't really bring anything substantial to writing. It's okay, maybe a little better than average in an academic setting, but in the professional world of writing? It's unexceptional and just all-around very generic. Certainly nothing to compare to the popular literature of today.
I try to believe in the phrase "fake it until you make it", so I feign confidence as if I will eventually convince myself that I am good enough, but I cannot honestly make myself believe that I actually deserve to be a published writer. I read a lot of literature, obviously, and I feel like even the worst pieces of crap online fanfiction are better than all the works I've compiled into this book combined. It just makes me wonder if I really belong in the world of literature, or if like in every other aspect of my life, I only make-pretend that I fit in. When I read the books that have come out in recent years, it makes me seriously doubt that I have a place among the authors of today. For the life of me I cannot imagine my work receiving praise in the newspapers, or seeing my book sell over a million copies, or to be discussed as a great literary mind. I can't picture it, because my work is nowhere even close to near that level. I'm just not good enough.
And to be published is such a test of strength on the writer's part, because your ideas are being dissected by editors and important people, and you're under tremendous scrutiny on pretty much a daily basis. Every story I emailed Lindsay was sent back to me with about eight-thousand edits in every paragraph; I ramble too much, I get too lost in details, my stories don't move ahead quickly enough, I make a million of the dumbest little mistakes, my dialog is too wordy. It starts to make you feel like crap, especially when I have friends who write articles and stories that go straight to print, no editing needed because it's already flawless. But mine has so many imperfections that it practically had to be rewritten from scratch. It's just so hard, because for years I've felt like the only thing I was really good at naturally, but now I can't even say that much. Other people write things and everyone goes, "Oh, it's fantastic! This is the most amazing piece of creative writing ever!" and then I write something and it's like, "well, it's pretty good, but you could fix this...and this...and this..."
I know this is how it has to be and I just need to suck it up. If you can't handle the fire, then please kindly get the hell out of the kitchen. This business is cruel and unforgiving, critique is part of an author's daily life whether it comes from the media, or the critics, or the readers themselves. All you can do is take it as an opportunity to grow and learn, and I try to remind myself of that. But it's so hard for someone like me who already has zero self-esteem. I have never felt good enough at anything I've ever done, and all my life I've had other people in my life who were so incredible at everything they did that it blew everyone away. I've always been okay, just good enough to get by, but nothing spectacular. Then as I got older people started to compliment my writing, and I felt like I finally found my niche, something that was unique about me that was better than just standardly good. But now, I look around and I see that yet again, I'm just a jack of the trade. Yet again I'm not spectacular, not even remotely as good as I should be at this level. It's so tiring to always feel like you're in the middle, it's an even worse position than to be decidedly bad at something, because people notice the ones at the top and bottom. The middle is always overlooked.
I think my ego is a little too fragile to be in this business, but how do you deny yourself of something that you love more than anything in the world? Writing is my passion; it's in everything I do, it's every part of who I am and how I function in this world. If only I had as much talent as I did love for it.
I'm only fooling myself.
My book is supposed to come out by the end of this week, and as the release draws closer I become more and more convinced that it will be the greatest failure of my life. Despite my publisher's reassurance that everything is okay, I feel like a total disappointment to PublishingRoom, WordClay and Author Solutions, because there is not as much material as there was originally supposed to be and I'm two months behind my deadline of June. I just feel like my work is totally mediocre, like I don't really bring anything substantial to writing. It's okay, maybe a little better than average in an academic setting, but in the professional world of writing? It's unexceptional and just all-around very generic. Certainly nothing to compare to the popular literature of today.
I try to believe in the phrase "fake it until you make it", so I feign confidence as if I will eventually convince myself that I am good enough, but I cannot honestly make myself believe that I actually deserve to be a published writer. I read a lot of literature, obviously, and I feel like even the worst pieces of crap online fanfiction are better than all the works I've compiled into this book combined. It just makes me wonder if I really belong in the world of literature, or if like in every other aspect of my life, I only make-pretend that I fit in. When I read the books that have come out in recent years, it makes me seriously doubt that I have a place among the authors of today. For the life of me I cannot imagine my work receiving praise in the newspapers, or seeing my book sell over a million copies, or to be discussed as a great literary mind. I can't picture it, because my work is nowhere even close to near that level. I'm just not good enough.
And to be published is such a test of strength on the writer's part, because your ideas are being dissected by editors and important people, and you're under tremendous scrutiny on pretty much a daily basis. Every story I emailed Lindsay was sent back to me with about eight-thousand edits in every paragraph; I ramble too much, I get too lost in details, my stories don't move ahead quickly enough, I make a million of the dumbest little mistakes, my dialog is too wordy. It starts to make you feel like crap, especially when I have friends who write articles and stories that go straight to print, no editing needed because it's already flawless. But mine has so many imperfections that it practically had to be rewritten from scratch. It's just so hard, because for years I've felt like the only thing I was really good at naturally, but now I can't even say that much. Other people write things and everyone goes, "Oh, it's fantastic! This is the most amazing piece of creative writing ever!" and then I write something and it's like, "well, it's pretty good, but you could fix this...and this...and this..."
I know this is how it has to be and I just need to suck it up. If you can't handle the fire, then please kindly get the hell out of the kitchen. This business is cruel and unforgiving, critique is part of an author's daily life whether it comes from the media, or the critics, or the readers themselves. All you can do is take it as an opportunity to grow and learn, and I try to remind myself of that. But it's so hard for someone like me who already has zero self-esteem. I have never felt good enough at anything I've ever done, and all my life I've had other people in my life who were so incredible at everything they did that it blew everyone away. I've always been okay, just good enough to get by, but nothing spectacular. Then as I got older people started to compliment my writing, and I felt like I finally found my niche, something that was unique about me that was better than just standardly good. But now, I look around and I see that yet again, I'm just a jack of the trade. Yet again I'm not spectacular, not even remotely as good as I should be at this level. It's so tiring to always feel like you're in the middle, it's an even worse position than to be decidedly bad at something, because people notice the ones at the top and bottom. The middle is always overlooked.
I think my ego is a little too fragile to be in this business, but how do you deny yourself of something that you love more than anything in the world? Writing is my passion; it's in everything I do, it's every part of who I am and how I function in this world. If only I had as much talent as I did love for it.
I'm only fooling myself.