(no subject)
Okay, I think I've figured out why I'm so terrible at this whole journal thing; I'm still extremely uncomfortable with talking about myself and things going on in my life. Maybe I was always this way, but I feel so much more guarded now. Somewhere in the past few years I simply stopped talking about things, and it's as if I have to re-teach myself how to verbalize what I'm feeling. You all here, especially the ones who knew me back when I was snowangel_2003 probably know more about me and my life than anyone in the entire world, even people I'm close to, but there's still so much I don't talk about. I have this comfort zone of things I feel comfortable discussing, but the rest of it I close off and bottle up inside. There's still so, so many things people don't know about me, and it hurts because I wish they did, but I don't know how to tell them. You'd think a literary person would know how to adequately express myself, but no. Even in my writing, there are still topics and issues that I refuse to bring up. And it all comes down to fear; fear of letting people in, fear of people seeing who I really am and knowing everything that's gone on in my life. Fear seems to dominate my life anymore.
I don't know when I stopped talking, but I did. I've gone figuratively mute in the past few years, and now even though I want to it seems that I can't.
To be honest, I've never been a fan of the concept of New Year's resolutions; very few people actually keep them and my feeling is that it's simply another tool people use to put unrealistic expectations on themselves and then beat themselves up later, so I've never officially made them myself. However this year as I was listening to people talk about how they want to eat less and exercise more, I began thinking of changes in my life I'd like to make, not so much short-term goals as things in the bigger picture where certain steps are needed to be taken in order for me to become who I want to be not just this year but in my life, period. Contemplating all of this I try looking ahead to what the end result might be, who I would want to become if I was in complete, total control of my own destiny. Surprisingly when I think of it personality-wise, there isn't a whole lot about myself I would seriously change, and that gives me a ton of hope because it means despite constantly insisting there is nothing I'm even remotely fond of about myself, there has to be something I value and appreciate enough to hold onto it.
When I retreat into my daydreams of the perfect world and the perfect me in it, which is more often than I care to admit, I am fundamentally the same kind of person I am in reality; I'm not the man-eating, domineering, hardcore bitch-type that chews people up and spits them out, and I'm not loud or cocky or brash. Personally, I don't find that kind of girl attractive and I would never want to be that myself. I wouldn't want to be cold or insensitive and to just not give a damn about other people, because that's not in me to be that way. For the most part I like being known as the nice girl; it makes me feel good to be kind, and sweet, and generally nice to everyone, and I wouldn't want to be different in that respect. But what I want is to not be so timid and unsure all the time. I want to be confident and secure in who I am, to look and feel like I fit into my own skin. I don't want to second-guess myself and constantly worry about if I'm doing something wrong and how people will judge me for things I say or do, because honestly, that's all I do in social situations anymore. There is a way to be gentle and soft that is still uninhibited, that endears people to your character. I know shy people who are so absolutely magnetic that even though they might not like the attention, everyone is drawn to them. But the problem with my brand of shyness is that it's not the kind that's warm and sweet. Some people are so bashful that you can't help but go "aww, they're so adorable!" and you just want to get to know them even more. It's all in the way they carry themselves; humble but still comfortable in their own way. However, I'm not like that, but I'm so introverted that I'm afraid I'm not even vaguely likable, let alone lovable. I worry that people misinterpret how reserved I am for being unapproachable and unfriendly. Even though I remind myself constantly that people can't see what's going on in my head, I get so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that I have no idea how it could possibly not register all over my face. It feels like people can see the fear in me, and it repels them. More often than not I think people feel uncomfortable around me because they can tell how uncomfortable I am. My nature is quiet and soft-spoken, and I don't think people like it because they feel like they can't relax if I'm not. It's off-putting to be around someone who barely talks, refuses to meet your eyes and looks like she'd rather chew her left arm off than have to carry on a conversation with somebody. I mean, always having to initiate the conversation and try with no success to yank someone from their shell has to get incredibly exhausting after a while. Before long they start thinking "what's the point?" and stop trying because they figure it's a waste of time anyway. If I can't open up, why should they? All I want is to be able to show people how I'm feeling and make them understand that I want nothing more in the world than to knock down the walls that surround me and honestly connect to someone, to relax and just let go. I don't want to be so painfully awkward. I don't want to have to constantly about everything I do, then beat myself up afterwards for everything I didn't do or say. By getting so tense all I'm doing is giving people the exact impression I don't want them to have of me, and I have no control over it. That's the worst part; I can't do anything to fix it because I don't even realize the affect it's having until it's too late. And no matter how much I build myself up and swear I won't do it again, I do because I'm just so scared.
Of course, the most glaringly obvious example of this is with Joshua. We've been seeing each other since August, and there are still all these long silences and awkward moments because I'm so terrified to just talk to him even though I want to so bad. I see my brothers with their girlfriends, how comfortable and natural they are with them and I want that kind of comfort with someone, but the way things are I don't think I'll ever get it. With Joshua I can sort of understand, because it's natural to be shy around someone you have feelings for, but it's just not him. My friend Stephanie came home over Christmas break, we were together for two days and I don't think I said more than two words. That, that isn't right. It's not about being unable to get a boyfriend, but I'm scared that it's going to affect my ability to have friends. And I don't know why it's so hard for me to just talk, but I get so anxious that I'm going to say something wrong that my throat closes up and I can't do it. It's almost gotten to the point of panic-attack inducing. Back when Joshua was still in his band I went to see him there were a few times when I did have a full-blown attack. I literally couldn't breath and my mom almost took me to the emergency room.
And this is really worrying me when I think that soon I'll be done with my GED and I want to go to college, which means I'd have to be around people and would be confronted with this every day. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the fear without going crazy or dropping out which I do not want to do. I'm beginning to avoid social situations all together because the anxiety is consuming me so much, but I don't want to hide in the house forever.
Part of me really thinks I qualify for 'social anxiety' and I want to talk to someone about it, but I'm afraid of what they'll say. I'm afraid they'll think I'm blowing it out of proportion and say, "Oh, Kayla, you always think you have something." But I don't know if I can deal with it any longer. It's already having a serious affect on my life and I don't see it getting better in the near future.
Ugh, why can't I just be okay?
I don't know when I stopped talking, but I did. I've gone figuratively mute in the past few years, and now even though I want to it seems that I can't.
To be honest, I've never been a fan of the concept of New Year's resolutions; very few people actually keep them and my feeling is that it's simply another tool people use to put unrealistic expectations on themselves and then beat themselves up later, so I've never officially made them myself. However this year as I was listening to people talk about how they want to eat less and exercise more, I began thinking of changes in my life I'd like to make, not so much short-term goals as things in the bigger picture where certain steps are needed to be taken in order for me to become who I want to be not just this year but in my life, period. Contemplating all of this I try looking ahead to what the end result might be, who I would want to become if I was in complete, total control of my own destiny. Surprisingly when I think of it personality-wise, there isn't a whole lot about myself I would seriously change, and that gives me a ton of hope because it means despite constantly insisting there is nothing I'm even remotely fond of about myself, there has to be something I value and appreciate enough to hold onto it.
When I retreat into my daydreams of the perfect world and the perfect me in it, which is more often than I care to admit, I am fundamentally the same kind of person I am in reality; I'm not the man-eating, domineering, hardcore bitch-type that chews people up and spits them out, and I'm not loud or cocky or brash. Personally, I don't find that kind of girl attractive and I would never want to be that myself. I wouldn't want to be cold or insensitive and to just not give a damn about other people, because that's not in me to be that way. For the most part I like being known as the nice girl; it makes me feel good to be kind, and sweet, and generally nice to everyone, and I wouldn't want to be different in that respect. But what I want is to not be so timid and unsure all the time. I want to be confident and secure in who I am, to look and feel like I fit into my own skin. I don't want to second-guess myself and constantly worry about if I'm doing something wrong and how people will judge me for things I say or do, because honestly, that's all I do in social situations anymore. There is a way to be gentle and soft that is still uninhibited, that endears people to your character. I know shy people who are so absolutely magnetic that even though they might not like the attention, everyone is drawn to them. But the problem with my brand of shyness is that it's not the kind that's warm and sweet. Some people are so bashful that you can't help but go "aww, they're so adorable!" and you just want to get to know them even more. It's all in the way they carry themselves; humble but still comfortable in their own way. However, I'm not like that, but I'm so introverted that I'm afraid I'm not even vaguely likable, let alone lovable. I worry that people misinterpret how reserved I am for being unapproachable and unfriendly. Even though I remind myself constantly that people can't see what's going on in my head, I get so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that I have no idea how it could possibly not register all over my face. It feels like people can see the fear in me, and it repels them. More often than not I think people feel uncomfortable around me because they can tell how uncomfortable I am. My nature is quiet and soft-spoken, and I don't think people like it because they feel like they can't relax if I'm not. It's off-putting to be around someone who barely talks, refuses to meet your eyes and looks like she'd rather chew her left arm off than have to carry on a conversation with somebody. I mean, always having to initiate the conversation and try with no success to yank someone from their shell has to get incredibly exhausting after a while. Before long they start thinking "what's the point?" and stop trying because they figure it's a waste of time anyway. If I can't open up, why should they? All I want is to be able to show people how I'm feeling and make them understand that I want nothing more in the world than to knock down the walls that surround me and honestly connect to someone, to relax and just let go. I don't want to be so painfully awkward. I don't want to have to constantly about everything I do, then beat myself up afterwards for everything I didn't do or say. By getting so tense all I'm doing is giving people the exact impression I don't want them to have of me, and I have no control over it. That's the worst part; I can't do anything to fix it because I don't even realize the affect it's having until it's too late. And no matter how much I build myself up and swear I won't do it again, I do because I'm just so scared.
Of course, the most glaringly obvious example of this is with Joshua. We've been seeing each other since August, and there are still all these long silences and awkward moments because I'm so terrified to just talk to him even though I want to so bad. I see my brothers with their girlfriends, how comfortable and natural they are with them and I want that kind of comfort with someone, but the way things are I don't think I'll ever get it. With Joshua I can sort of understand, because it's natural to be shy around someone you have feelings for, but it's just not him. My friend Stephanie came home over Christmas break, we were together for two days and I don't think I said more than two words. That, that isn't right. It's not about being unable to get a boyfriend, but I'm scared that it's going to affect my ability to have friends. And I don't know why it's so hard for me to just talk, but I get so anxious that I'm going to say something wrong that my throat closes up and I can't do it. It's almost gotten to the point of panic-attack inducing. Back when Joshua was still in his band I went to see him there were a few times when I did have a full-blown attack. I literally couldn't breath and my mom almost took me to the emergency room.
And this is really worrying me when I think that soon I'll be done with my GED and I want to go to college, which means I'd have to be around people and would be confronted with this every day. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the fear without going crazy or dropping out which I do not want to do. I'm beginning to avoid social situations all together because the anxiety is consuming me so much, but I don't want to hide in the house forever.
Part of me really thinks I qualify for 'social anxiety' and I want to talk to someone about it, but I'm afraid of what they'll say. I'm afraid they'll think I'm blowing it out of proportion and say, "Oh, Kayla, you always think you have something." But I don't know if I can deal with it any longer. It's already having a serious affect on my life and I don't see it getting better in the near future.
Ugh, why can't I just be okay?