(no subject)
Had an interesting dream last night after spending an hour contemplating suicide... I dreamt that I talked to Dane again. He came down to VA to visit me, and I realized that I wanted him back... and I guess maybe I still do. Of all the people I've loved, I think he's the one who's hurt me the least- which is pretty ironic if you recall what happened. But yeah, in this dream I had last night I heard his voice again, and I remembered why I fell in love with him. He had this... strength about him. Sure, he had moments of weakness, but I loved that too- I felt stronger knowing that he would turn to me for the same comfort he provided for me. I wish I could feel that again. That inner strength and sense of belonging. I don't think I belong here, at college. I'm going to be kicked out at the end of the semester because I'm failing another class and am already on academic probation. Mama's gonna KILL me.
To be honest, the only reason I still hold on is because so many people care about me, even if only a little. And I guess that's all I need to stay alive... other people. Heh. I used to be so independent, but now I rely on others to keep me alive and keep me going.
I'd better get my ass in gear for class. It's gonna be a LOOOOOONG day.