(no subject)
Alright, so hopefully this week will not be as bad as it has the potential to be. Although these are not the most pleasant of details, I was cleaning my ears last night and think I damaged something in my left ear to the point where. It. Fucking. Hurts to high heaven. I’m now up to the eyeballs in ibuprofen because my first instinct is ‘its trying to heal itself and that’s why it hurts more now than it did yesterday’ but I’m going to run to the health centre when I get onto campus and see if they can check it out for ten minutes.
Also, predictably, the Levonelle has brought on early premenstrual stuff and its making me paranoid, anxious, worried, and generally restless, which is the last thing I need this week in amongst all the stress of deadlines. Last night there was a horrible pang for stupid reasons and that’s usually how I can tell the difference- it’s the overinflated things. I was on the phone to Tinuke and just the fact that she was going to Kuchenga’s for a meal and I wasn’t going to be there struck something inside, a realisation that these friendship groups have to be organic and that I am a second year integrated into a first year group. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I was naïve to think that thye just all come ready-made for me to slip into. Xavier- or more accurately, Xavier and me, have also overcomplicated matters with stuff so that is not helping. I came to a conclusion about his cheesiness and insincerity, though. His relationship just before he came to university had to end on a practical basis and I think he’s still hurting from that and projecting misplaced romanticisms onto me because he needs someone to be a distraction, a template of depth so that he can continue to say and express the same sentiments instead of accepting that there is no way our relationship, whatever is made of it, can be an instant replacement for whatever he was falling into back home. I’m terminating all of it today anyway, its fucking awful to carry on in the circumstances and I don’t want to be the rebound fuck for someone who doesn’t even know how to hide his indifference and the fact that his heart is clearly with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t looking for his heart, but it still leaves a nasty aftertaste to think that someone’s interest in you is not genuine but displaced and confused. Poor boy.
I might miss my train so must go.
Still much more to rant about but just no time!
Also, predictably, the Levonelle has brought on early premenstrual stuff and its making me paranoid, anxious, worried, and generally restless, which is the last thing I need this week in amongst all the stress of deadlines. Last night there was a horrible pang for stupid reasons and that’s usually how I can tell the difference- it’s the overinflated things. I was on the phone to Tinuke and just the fact that she was going to Kuchenga’s for a meal and I wasn’t going to be there struck something inside, a realisation that these friendship groups have to be organic and that I am a second year integrated into a first year group. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I was naïve to think that thye just all come ready-made for me to slip into. Xavier- or more accurately, Xavier and me, have also overcomplicated matters with stuff so that is not helping. I came to a conclusion about his cheesiness and insincerity, though. His relationship just before he came to university had to end on a practical basis and I think he’s still hurting from that and projecting misplaced romanticisms onto me because he needs someone to be a distraction, a template of depth so that he can continue to say and express the same sentiments instead of accepting that there is no way our relationship, whatever is made of it, can be an instant replacement for whatever he was falling into back home. I’m terminating all of it today anyway, its fucking awful to carry on in the circumstances and I don’t want to be the rebound fuck for someone who doesn’t even know how to hide his indifference and the fact that his heart is clearly with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t looking for his heart, but it still leaves a nasty aftertaste to think that someone’s interest in you is not genuine but displaced and confused. Poor boy.
I might miss my train so must go.
Still much more to rant about but just no time!