(no subject)
my life is so full right now. isn't that the way it goes though? periods of drought, full of gritty angst and lethargy are replaced by the upwards cycle of gratitude and joyful anticipation.
there are moments of total panic when i think about this summer, and what it will require of me. my throat clenches and a thousand what-ifs flood my brain: what if i don't have what it takes? what if i'm making an enormous mistake? there are so many risks involved. what if i get seriously ill in the middle of the Tibetan highlands, without a town or city around for a thousand miles?
not to mention the 10 or so days i will be totally on my own in Thailand, in a foriegn country, surrounded by a language that is so twisting in it's complexity and so completely alien to everything i've encountered. no one else to count on.
i know my decision has surprised a lot of people, and even earned me a slight enemy or two from envy as well as criticism. but i can't concernmyself with that, or worry about who i'm inconveniencing or hurting. ultimately this is MY LIFE. right now. i will be the only one with these memories to look back on. i want to be proud of my life, to say i am doing everything i am capable of. of course i'm scared, shitless at times, but when i can quiet my anxieties there is a bedrock of truth that rises to remind me that i've known for a while i would get here and that nothing could be more necessary or right for me at this moment.
i just want to CONTRIBUTE to the people who don't have what i do. i want that marriage of humility and strength that comes from serving others, from going freakishly out of your way to make a difference. i am grateful for every ounce of luck i have and i want to spread that. i'm fundraising for this myself, selling what i can and working overtime. every penny going to this trip is my own.
although admittedly idealistic, i don't have any grandiose illusions of being remembered for this even by the people i'm helping, or of affecting anything on a grand scale. it's going to be hard. anyone who have ever done serious traveling (not touring) can tell you it's fucking HARD. the amount of irritations, illnesses, obstacles, dangers, and frustrations are astounding. the sleep deprivation, and the gut-twisting hunger.
but god, is it ever EVER worth it.
what percentage of the world can say they climbed to the base camp of Everest?!
there are moments of total panic when i think about this summer, and what it will require of me. my throat clenches and a thousand what-ifs flood my brain: what if i don't have what it takes? what if i'm making an enormous mistake? there are so many risks involved. what if i get seriously ill in the middle of the Tibetan highlands, without a town or city around for a thousand miles?
not to mention the 10 or so days i will be totally on my own in Thailand, in a foriegn country, surrounded by a language that is so twisting in it's complexity and so completely alien to everything i've encountered. no one else to count on.
i know my decision has surprised a lot of people, and even earned me a slight enemy or two from envy as well as criticism. but i can't concernmyself with that, or worry about who i'm inconveniencing or hurting. ultimately this is MY LIFE. right now. i will be the only one with these memories to look back on. i want to be proud of my life, to say i am doing everything i am capable of. of course i'm scared, shitless at times, but when i can quiet my anxieties there is a bedrock of truth that rises to remind me that i've known for a while i would get here and that nothing could be more necessary or right for me at this moment.
i just want to CONTRIBUTE to the people who don't have what i do. i want that marriage of humility and strength that comes from serving others, from going freakishly out of your way to make a difference. i am grateful for every ounce of luck i have and i want to spread that. i'm fundraising for this myself, selling what i can and working overtime. every penny going to this trip is my own.
although admittedly idealistic, i don't have any grandiose illusions of being remembered for this even by the people i'm helping, or of affecting anything on a grand scale. it's going to be hard. anyone who have ever done serious traveling (not touring) can tell you it's fucking HARD. the amount of irritations, illnesses, obstacles, dangers, and frustrations are astounding. the sleep deprivation, and the gut-twisting hunger.
but god, is it ever EVER worth it.
what percentage of the world can say they climbed to the base camp of Everest?!