(no subject)
as a child, and an adolescent, actually up until two or so years ago, I would bottle my anger in confrontations. push it way down inside the pit of my stomach where it would churn. i'm pretty sure i developed my current anger issues as a backlash of that repression. now if anyone crosses me, or insults me, or assumes that they are in any way better or more deserving than me, i becomes incensed with rage. suddenly i'm flashing with hatred. don't know where this near-violent intensity came from, but suddenly i have almost no compassion for other people. and the worst part is, even though i know this is an awful development, i have no desire to change. it's like i WANT to be angry and hateful to people. i'm not talking about my friends or family or anything - just random strangers.
for example: my art instructor makes me insane. i despise the woman for the way she treats us like we're infants, like she's entitled to so much more because she had to work hard for her degree. she's about 2 years older than me. and today she had the audacity to give us a 20 minute bitch-fest about how hard her life has been, how she had to wait tables and work during college and how she wasn't a spoiled little rich brat like the rest of us. she looked RIGHT AT ME and said how the women in her class should just feel lucky to live in America with the opportunity to work. i almost lost it. i was so enraged i began shaking uncntrollably. i HATED her in a black, ugly, nauseating way. how DARE SHE! i have been and worked in countries and situations she could not EVEN IMAGINE. i have made friends with the very women she was talking about. i too worked through college, pulled constant all-nighters and suffered unbelievably through the whole thing. i feel so sick just reliving it. for a horrible moment i was glad her life was hard and that she was unhappy with it. i was so angry at her behavior that i wanted her to suffer. i hated her. and even remembering it makes me hate her.
because of her tantrum we were unable to have our 5 minute break which meant that i was standing and working for 5 hours straight without having eaten or drunk anything since dinner the night before. i asked her if i could go to the vending machine because i thought i would be sick from hunger. she refused. i seriously thought i would explode.
this is a problem. this one encounter ruined a large chunk of my day and has left me feeling nauseated and exhausted so much so that i'm considering skipping my next class. i don't know why this has been happening. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with the year of repressed rage at my boss at the gallery, who horribly verbally abuses and demoralizes her employees. not to mention the mugging.
maybe i do have a lot to be angry about. rage that has not been dealt with. however it happened, the result is that i don't want to be kind to people, even strangers. in fact, i want to injure those who cross me.
my god, who have i become?
for example: my art instructor makes me insane. i despise the woman for the way she treats us like we're infants, like she's entitled to so much more because she had to work hard for her degree. she's about 2 years older than me. and today she had the audacity to give us a 20 minute bitch-fest about how hard her life has been, how she had to wait tables and work during college and how she wasn't a spoiled little rich brat like the rest of us. she looked RIGHT AT ME and said how the women in her class should just feel lucky to live in America with the opportunity to work. i almost lost it. i was so enraged i began shaking uncntrollably. i HATED her in a black, ugly, nauseating way. how DARE SHE! i have been and worked in countries and situations she could not EVEN IMAGINE. i have made friends with the very women she was talking about. i too worked through college, pulled constant all-nighters and suffered unbelievably through the whole thing. i feel so sick just reliving it. for a horrible moment i was glad her life was hard and that she was unhappy with it. i was so angry at her behavior that i wanted her to suffer. i hated her. and even remembering it makes me hate her.
because of her tantrum we were unable to have our 5 minute break which meant that i was standing and working for 5 hours straight without having eaten or drunk anything since dinner the night before. i asked her if i could go to the vending machine because i thought i would be sick from hunger. she refused. i seriously thought i would explode.
this is a problem. this one encounter ruined a large chunk of my day and has left me feeling nauseated and exhausted so much so that i'm considering skipping my next class. i don't know why this has been happening. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with the year of repressed rage at my boss at the gallery, who horribly verbally abuses and demoralizes her employees. not to mention the mugging.
maybe i do have a lot to be angry about. rage that has not been dealt with. however it happened, the result is that i don't want to be kind to people, even strangers. in fact, i want to injure those who cross me.
my god, who have i become?