Smallville Fic: The Story of Us #6 - Better Left Unsaid
“Lois, it’s me. Look, I know you’re really busy packing for Kenya but please, before you leave, I…I need to talk to you. Just…call me when you get this.”
Clark snapped the phone shut in frustration. That? Was the seventh message he’d left on her phone in the last 12 hours. Since he’d woken up (from the dead apparently) and realized that he was still on Earth and wasn’t leaving anytime soon, he’d been alternately trying to reach her and getting updates from a frantic Chloe on Oliver’s mysterious disappearance.
See, the thing was, now he had a problem.
Because yesterday, when he thought that he’d be leaving the planet forever, he’d told Lois to go to Africa. And it hadn’t been easy, even though rationally, he knew he wasn’t going to be around, but she didn’t know that, and the hurt had been crystal clear in her eyes as he’d insisted she’d leave him, leave them, for a job.
There was a simple answer, of course. He could tell her the truth. And he wanted to tell her the truth. He’d actually wanted to for a long time now.
But, he knew if he told her, she’d stay. And while, yes, that was what he wanted, there was a part of him that felt, in a sense, he’d be almost pressuring her into staying.
Which wasn’t fair to her. This job, this opportunity, was an amazing one for her. She’d told him yesterday he was more important to her, and he believed that, it was just that so many times in his life he’d felt like the desire to tell his secret came from a place of desperation.
It was something he didn’t want for them. She was different. And so were they.
He sighed loudly, wiping a hand roughly over his tired face.
So that left him in somewhat of a quandary as to how to handle everything. To let her know he didn’t want her to go without unloading his secret on her to get her to stay.
“When you see her Clark, your heart will know what to do.”
His mother’s advice rang through his ears, having called her earlier this morning to let her know her son was still, in fact, Earthbound.
He was about to flip open his phone to try calling her yet again when he heard the sound of a car pulling up to the house.
“I hope you’re right, Mom,” he mumbled softly. He walked toward the door, unable to wait even a few moments to see her after believing less than a day ago that he’d never see her again, pulling it open just as she slammed her car door shut. Her hair fell loosely around her face, her eyes focused on that damn pink phone. He wasn’t sure how an inanimate object could frustrate him to the point of madness, but her phone had managed to do it in the span of the last couple of months.
She began walking toward the house, finally lifting her head and stopping short at seeing him standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he called out, opening the door a bit wider as he leaned against the frame.
“Hey,” she called back, resuming her movement toward the house and lifting up her phone. “I got your messages. All of them,” she said, a slight smirk on her face. “I didn’t call you back because I was on my way here anyway.”
“Right,” he said, knowing as she walked past him into the house that trying to calm his racing heart was probably a futile effort.
He allowed himself a moment to just look at her. He figured he deserved it, given that it wasn’t a day ago he thought he’d never lay eyes on her again. Dark chocolate brown hair falling in loose waves around her face, brow furrowed in concentration as she looked at her phone, her teeth absently gnawing at her bottom lip.
He’d been ready to save the planet, ready to leave it to protect this place he called home. It was a choice he’d make again in a heartbeat given the same circumstances and no other way out.
But that didn’t mean it hadn’t torn him up. And standing before him was one of the biggest reasons.
Never seeing her again, the thought had devastated him. After he’d impulsively kissed her in the alley, he’d stayed behind a few extra fleeting moments, taking in every inch of her face, committing it to memory for the long and lonely forever ahead of him.
Suddenly, standing in his kitchen and watching her delete messages on her phone, he knew that no matter what, it would be okay. Because the job in Kenya? It wasn’t like the forever he’d faced only hours earlier.
They’d make it work. And he knew what to do, just like his mother had said he would.
“Sorry,” her voice brought him out of his thoughts, “just deleting the 982 voicemails you left me,” she finished with a grin.
“I just wanted to make sure I caught you before you left,” he said, taking a step toward her.
“Clark…”
“Wait, Lois, I need to say this, okay?”
“No Clark, really…”
“Lois, please? Let me just say what I have to say.”
She quirked an eyebrow at him, then sighed softly, gesturing for him to continue.
He took a deep breath. “Okay, look, I know that I said that you should go to Kenya, and I meant it. It’s an amazing opportunity,” he paused, moving still closer to her, reaching out and tangling his fingers with hers. “But, I also want you to know that I want this. Us. I really want this to work. And I’ll be waiting here when you come home.”
Rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand, he watched as she took in his words, a tender smile gracing her lips.
“I want this to work too,” she responded quietly. “About the job, though. I actually turned it down.”
He blinked quickly a few times at that, surprise suffusing his features.
“What? Why? Not that I’m not happy that you’re staying, because believe me, I am, but, Lois, this is a once in a lifetime job offer.”
“And my career is important to me, but like I said yesterday, you’re more important.”
He swallowed thickly at that, the emotion welling up inside him just as it had when she’d said it the day before.
Clark wanted to take what she’d said and run with it. Wanted to smile happily and accept it. But see, Lois was, well Lois. She was driven, and he knew, as he’d once said to her, he’d have to share her with the world. Their relationship, even going back to their “just friends” days, had always been one where he’d felt, well, free. Which was ironic, given the massive secret he was keeping from her. And while, yes, that weighed on him, there was always a level of comfort with Lois, of trust and ease that he just never had with anyone else. She helped him, even unknowingly on her part, by just allowing him to be him and do what he had to do, no questions asked - even though he knew sometimes it killed her not to ask.
And he wanted to do the same for her, be the same for her. He couldn’t stand the thought that, somehow, he’d be holding her back.
“I just…I don’t want you to resent me. Down the road, when you look back and you realize you had this chance…”
“Clark, turning down Perry’s offer wasn’t just for you, it was for me too. It wasn’t what I wanted. What I want? It’s here, with you and my job at the Planet.”
He couldn’t stop the enormous smile that broke out on his face. Impulsively, he grabbed her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. Feeling her breath against his neck, he breathed in the sweet vanilla scent of her hair, one hand stroking her back lightly while the other was anchored around her waist.
She was staying. With him.
And he knew. In that moment, he knew he didn’t want to wait anymore. If she was staying, then she needed to know.
No. He wanted her to know.
That thought alone made him feel like a two ton weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He pulled back, noting the slightly surprised grin on her face at his impetuous show of relief and affection. Grabbing her hand, he quickly led her over to the sofa, pulling her down to sit beside him.
“What’s going on?”
He took her in, hazel eyes as always inquisitive, sparkling with a passion that was just so her, had always been her.
In truth, this wouldn’t be the first time he’d told her. Of course, Legion rings and mindwipes had taken his secret from her memory in those instances. And judging from her demeanor currently, she hadn’t figured it out from his kiss in the alley. A pang of disappointment hit him at that, somewhere deep inside of him. Even if it wasn’t a conscious choice, now that he’d stayed, there was part of him that had hoped she’d figured it out from his kiss. Perhaps it was somewhat selfish of him to want that - Lois figuring it out would have made this confessional a bit easier to be sure, instead of him weighing the words he would use to tell her the secret he’d kept tightly locked up for so long.
However, this would be the first time he’d tell her after having been in a serious relationship with her for eight months. And that? That was more than a little daunting.
How do you tell the woman you love, the woman you want to spend your life with, that you’ve been lying to her for the eight months of your serious romantic relationship, secretly leading a double life as Metropolis’ greatest hero all the while carrying on phone conversations with her as said alter ego?
He took a deep breath, noting how her head had tilted to the side, as if often did when she was trying to figure him out.
Maybe it was like taking off a band-aid. Rip it off. Quick. It might hurt at first but once it was off, the pain could be dealt with and eventually the wound would heal and life would go on.
“Smallville?”
He gently squeezed the hand he was still holding, taking a deep breath before saying, “Lois, there’s…there’s something I want to tell you. And there’s really no preparing someone for this so, I’m just gonna say it. Lois…,”
“Wait, Clark,” she interrupted, her eyes wide as she raised her free hand, motioning for him to stop.
But he wasn’t going to be deterred. Not this time.
“Lois, just let me finish…,” he continued, his voice rising slightly in volume.
“I’m still leaving,” she practically yelled, and if he didn’t know better, he’d say there was almost a franticness in her tone. But he didn’t dwell on that long because her words hit him like a ton of kryptonite had just been heaped onto his chest.
She must have noticed what he was sure was a completely stricken look on his face because she rushed to continue.
“Sorry, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to,” she said, a nervous smile flitting across her lips. “I didn’t take the job in Kenya, but as coincidence would have it, the Planet is sending me to Egypt on assignment.”
If it was possible to feel one’s heart physically drop, Clark did in that moment. That figurative band-aid had just been slapped firmly back into place.
“It’s only temporary though, a week or two tops. I’m leaving tonight, the Planet’s sending a car for me in a few hours.”
He felt his tightened chest loosen a bit at that, though he was surprised to feel a wave of disappointment.
He couldn’t tell her. Not now. This was not a bombshell to be dropped before she headed off on to a different continent.
Maybe that disappointment only confirmed what he’d been almost sure of recently. He was ready to tell her.
But for now, with a marathon plane ride looming in her future, and at least a week if not more of physical separation, some things were better left unsaid.
“So,” she continued after a pause, “whatever you wanted to tell me…”
“Can wait,” he interjected softly.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. We’ll talk when you get back.”
“Okay,” she said. “I better get going. My suitcase isn’t going to pack itself.”
He stood along with her, reaching out and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Be careful.”
She reached up and grasped his hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing his knuckles softly.
“You too,” she said quietly, her eyes meeting his and, for a moment, the intensity of her gaze, the way she clutched his hand, whispered at him.
Did she know?
But just as suddenly as the moment had come, it was gone, and she dropped his hand, sending him a bright smile.
“I mean, I won’t be here to get you out of any jams for a couple of weeks,” she said lightly.
“Right,” he responded, returning her smile. “What am I gonna do without you?”
“Be bored, no doubt.”
Clark simply nodded in agreement, stepping closer to her. He framed her face with his hands, leaning down and pressing the softest of kisses against her lips. A kiss so different than the passionate goodbye of yesterday, where he’d felt he had no hope of seeing her again.
With this kiss, he felt the promise of their future instead of the desperation of goodbye.
Clark snapped the phone shut in frustration. That? Was the seventh message he’d left on her phone in the last 12 hours. Since he’d woken up (from the dead apparently) and realized that he was still on Earth and wasn’t leaving anytime soon, he’d been alternately trying to reach her and getting updates from a frantic Chloe on Oliver’s mysterious disappearance.
See, the thing was, now he had a problem.
Because yesterday, when he thought that he’d be leaving the planet forever, he’d told Lois to go to Africa. And it hadn’t been easy, even though rationally, he knew he wasn’t going to be around, but she didn’t know that, and the hurt had been crystal clear in her eyes as he’d insisted she’d leave him, leave them, for a job.
There was a simple answer, of course. He could tell her the truth. And he wanted to tell her the truth. He’d actually wanted to for a long time now.
But, he knew if he told her, she’d stay. And while, yes, that was what he wanted, there was a part of him that felt, in a sense, he’d be almost pressuring her into staying.
Which wasn’t fair to her. This job, this opportunity, was an amazing one for her. She’d told him yesterday he was more important to her, and he believed that, it was just that so many times in his life he’d felt like the desire to tell his secret came from a place of desperation.
It was something he didn’t want for them. She was different. And so were they.
He sighed loudly, wiping a hand roughly over his tired face.
So that left him in somewhat of a quandary as to how to handle everything. To let her know he didn’t want her to go without unloading his secret on her to get her to stay.
“When you see her Clark, your heart will know what to do.”
His mother’s advice rang through his ears, having called her earlier this morning to let her know her son was still, in fact, Earthbound.
He was about to flip open his phone to try calling her yet again when he heard the sound of a car pulling up to the house.
“I hope you’re right, Mom,” he mumbled softly. He walked toward the door, unable to wait even a few moments to see her after believing less than a day ago that he’d never see her again, pulling it open just as she slammed her car door shut. Her hair fell loosely around her face, her eyes focused on that damn pink phone. He wasn’t sure how an inanimate object could frustrate him to the point of madness, but her phone had managed to do it in the span of the last couple of months.
She began walking toward the house, finally lifting her head and stopping short at seeing him standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he called out, opening the door a bit wider as he leaned against the frame.
“Hey,” she called back, resuming her movement toward the house and lifting up her phone. “I got your messages. All of them,” she said, a slight smirk on her face. “I didn’t call you back because I was on my way here anyway.”
“Right,” he said, knowing as she walked past him into the house that trying to calm his racing heart was probably a futile effort.
He allowed himself a moment to just look at her. He figured he deserved it, given that it wasn’t a day ago he thought he’d never lay eyes on her again. Dark chocolate brown hair falling in loose waves around her face, brow furrowed in concentration as she looked at her phone, her teeth absently gnawing at her bottom lip.
He’d been ready to save the planet, ready to leave it to protect this place he called home. It was a choice he’d make again in a heartbeat given the same circumstances and no other way out.
But that didn’t mean it hadn’t torn him up. And standing before him was one of the biggest reasons.
Never seeing her again, the thought had devastated him. After he’d impulsively kissed her in the alley, he’d stayed behind a few extra fleeting moments, taking in every inch of her face, committing it to memory for the long and lonely forever ahead of him.
Suddenly, standing in his kitchen and watching her delete messages on her phone, he knew that no matter what, it would be okay. Because the job in Kenya? It wasn’t like the forever he’d faced only hours earlier.
They’d make it work. And he knew what to do, just like his mother had said he would.
“Sorry,” her voice brought him out of his thoughts, “just deleting the 982 voicemails you left me,” she finished with a grin.
“I just wanted to make sure I caught you before you left,” he said, taking a step toward her.
“Clark…”
“Wait, Lois, I need to say this, okay?”
“No Clark, really…”
“Lois, please? Let me just say what I have to say.”
She quirked an eyebrow at him, then sighed softly, gesturing for him to continue.
He took a deep breath. “Okay, look, I know that I said that you should go to Kenya, and I meant it. It’s an amazing opportunity,” he paused, moving still closer to her, reaching out and tangling his fingers with hers. “But, I also want you to know that I want this. Us. I really want this to work. And I’ll be waiting here when you come home.”
Rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand, he watched as she took in his words, a tender smile gracing her lips.
“I want this to work too,” she responded quietly. “About the job, though. I actually turned it down.”
He blinked quickly a few times at that, surprise suffusing his features.
“What? Why? Not that I’m not happy that you’re staying, because believe me, I am, but, Lois, this is a once in a lifetime job offer.”
“And my career is important to me, but like I said yesterday, you’re more important.”
He swallowed thickly at that, the emotion welling up inside him just as it had when she’d said it the day before.
Clark wanted to take what she’d said and run with it. Wanted to smile happily and accept it. But see, Lois was, well Lois. She was driven, and he knew, as he’d once said to her, he’d have to share her with the world. Their relationship, even going back to their “just friends” days, had always been one where he’d felt, well, free. Which was ironic, given the massive secret he was keeping from her. And while, yes, that weighed on him, there was always a level of comfort with Lois, of trust and ease that he just never had with anyone else. She helped him, even unknowingly on her part, by just allowing him to be him and do what he had to do, no questions asked - even though he knew sometimes it killed her not to ask.
And he wanted to do the same for her, be the same for her. He couldn’t stand the thought that, somehow, he’d be holding her back.
“I just…I don’t want you to resent me. Down the road, when you look back and you realize you had this chance…”
“Clark, turning down Perry’s offer wasn’t just for you, it was for me too. It wasn’t what I wanted. What I want? It’s here, with you and my job at the Planet.”
He couldn’t stop the enormous smile that broke out on his face. Impulsively, he grabbed her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. Feeling her breath against his neck, he breathed in the sweet vanilla scent of her hair, one hand stroking her back lightly while the other was anchored around her waist.
She was staying. With him.
And he knew. In that moment, he knew he didn’t want to wait anymore. If she was staying, then she needed to know.
No. He wanted her to know.
That thought alone made him feel like a two ton weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He pulled back, noting the slightly surprised grin on her face at his impetuous show of relief and affection. Grabbing her hand, he quickly led her over to the sofa, pulling her down to sit beside him.
“What’s going on?”
He took her in, hazel eyes as always inquisitive, sparkling with a passion that was just so her, had always been her.
In truth, this wouldn’t be the first time he’d told her. Of course, Legion rings and mindwipes had taken his secret from her memory in those instances. And judging from her demeanor currently, she hadn’t figured it out from his kiss in the alley. A pang of disappointment hit him at that, somewhere deep inside of him. Even if it wasn’t a conscious choice, now that he’d stayed, there was part of him that had hoped she’d figured it out from his kiss. Perhaps it was somewhat selfish of him to want that - Lois figuring it out would have made this confessional a bit easier to be sure, instead of him weighing the words he would use to tell her the secret he’d kept tightly locked up for so long.
However, this would be the first time he’d tell her after having been in a serious relationship with her for eight months. And that? That was more than a little daunting.
How do you tell the woman you love, the woman you want to spend your life with, that you’ve been lying to her for the eight months of your serious romantic relationship, secretly leading a double life as Metropolis’ greatest hero all the while carrying on phone conversations with her as said alter ego?
He took a deep breath, noting how her head had tilted to the side, as if often did when she was trying to figure him out.
Maybe it was like taking off a band-aid. Rip it off. Quick. It might hurt at first but once it was off, the pain could be dealt with and eventually the wound would heal and life would go on.
“Smallville?”
He gently squeezed the hand he was still holding, taking a deep breath before saying, “Lois, there’s…there’s something I want to tell you. And there’s really no preparing someone for this so, I’m just gonna say it. Lois…,”
“Wait, Clark,” she interrupted, her eyes wide as she raised her free hand, motioning for him to stop.
But he wasn’t going to be deterred. Not this time.
“Lois, just let me finish…,” he continued, his voice rising slightly in volume.
“I’m still leaving,” she practically yelled, and if he didn’t know better, he’d say there was almost a franticness in her tone. But he didn’t dwell on that long because her words hit him like a ton of kryptonite had just been heaped onto his chest.
She must have noticed what he was sure was a completely stricken look on his face because she rushed to continue.
“Sorry, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to,” she said, a nervous smile flitting across her lips. “I didn’t take the job in Kenya, but as coincidence would have it, the Planet is sending me to Egypt on assignment.”
If it was possible to feel one’s heart physically drop, Clark did in that moment. That figurative band-aid had just been slapped firmly back into place.
“It’s only temporary though, a week or two tops. I’m leaving tonight, the Planet’s sending a car for me in a few hours.”
He felt his tightened chest loosen a bit at that, though he was surprised to feel a wave of disappointment.
He couldn’t tell her. Not now. This was not a bombshell to be dropped before she headed off on to a different continent.
Maybe that disappointment only confirmed what he’d been almost sure of recently. He was ready to tell her.
But for now, with a marathon plane ride looming in her future, and at least a week if not more of physical separation, some things were better left unsaid.
“So,” she continued after a pause, “whatever you wanted to tell me…”
“Can wait,” he interjected softly.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. We’ll talk when you get back.”
“Okay,” she said. “I better get going. My suitcase isn’t going to pack itself.”
He stood along with her, reaching out and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Be careful.”
She reached up and grasped his hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing his knuckles softly.
“You too,” she said quietly, her eyes meeting his and, for a moment, the intensity of her gaze, the way she clutched his hand, whispered at him.
Did she know?
But just as suddenly as the moment had come, it was gone, and she dropped his hand, sending him a bright smile.
“I mean, I won’t be here to get you out of any jams for a couple of weeks,” she said lightly.
“Right,” he responded, returning her smile. “What am I gonna do without you?”
“Be bored, no doubt.”
Clark simply nodded in agreement, stepping closer to her. He framed her face with his hands, leaning down and pressing the softest of kisses against her lips. A kiss so different than the passionate goodbye of yesterday, where he’d felt he had no hope of seeing her again.
With this kiss, he felt the promise of their future instead of the desperation of goodbye.