Who am I? Where can I find it?
A friend asked me, "Who is Jen?"
I ... I know, and I don't know. But I do know who I want to be.
Why don't I really know who I am? You might say because I'm learning who I am outside of the relationship that just ended. Yes, the relationship was an enormous, integral part of my life for 9 years is gone, but I don't feel "lost" without it. Like I said before, yes, I miss being in a relationship, but how can I not? When I had someone I knew who cared for me, who was my best friend, my companion, and my confidant. But it doesn't make me feel like the ground has been pulled from underneath me.
But maybe hypothetical you is right - maybe I am learning who I am outside the relationship, and that's why i don't know who I am. Its possible that the hole left behind is larger and deeper than I'm aware. And I need solid ground to stand on before I can heal it. The problem is that I'm so busy worrying about finances, work, Max. I don't have a firm foundation to stand on.
The question now is where can I build that foundation so I can find myself? Grow into the person I've wanted to be for so long. The only certain answer I have is "not in my current situation". Even before Friday, this was my answer, but now I've lost a substantial amount of job security.
Do I try to find it here?
Do I try to find it in Austin?
Do I try to find it in Portland?
Or is there yet another path that hasn't yet presented itself?
I feel stuck, yet presented with several scary choices.
"Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important? If you're not scared, you're not taking a chance. If you're not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?" ~HIMYM
But I'm afraid of trying and failing, because then I will have very little chance of coming back to California. If I can't find a job in Oregon or Texas, I'll have no money to come back with. And no place to go.
I'm scared of going. I'm scared of staying. Its scary not knowing what state I'll be in a few months time.
I'll be visiting Austin next month, to see if its a place I think I could live. And maybe soon, a trip to Portland will be made as well.
What the hell am I doing...
I ... I know, and I don't know. But I do know who I want to be.
Why don't I really know who I am? You might say because I'm learning who I am outside of the relationship that just ended. Yes, the relationship was an enormous, integral part of my life for 9 years is gone, but I don't feel "lost" without it. Like I said before, yes, I miss being in a relationship, but how can I not? When I had someone I knew who cared for me, who was my best friend, my companion, and my confidant. But it doesn't make me feel like the ground has been pulled from underneath me.
But maybe hypothetical you is right - maybe I am learning who I am outside the relationship, and that's why i don't know who I am. Its possible that the hole left behind is larger and deeper than I'm aware. And I need solid ground to stand on before I can heal it. The problem is that I'm so busy worrying about finances, work, Max. I don't have a firm foundation to stand on.
The question now is where can I build that foundation so I can find myself? Grow into the person I've wanted to be for so long. The only certain answer I have is "not in my current situation". Even before Friday, this was my answer, but now I've lost a substantial amount of job security.
Do I try to find it here?
Do I try to find it in Austin?
Do I try to find it in Portland?
Or is there yet another path that hasn't yet presented itself?
I feel stuck, yet presented with several scary choices.
"Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important? If you're not scared, you're not taking a chance. If you're not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?" ~HIMYM
But I'm afraid of trying and failing, because then I will have very little chance of coming back to California. If I can't find a job in Oregon or Texas, I'll have no money to come back with. And no place to go.
I'm scared of going. I'm scared of staying. Its scary not knowing what state I'll be in a few months time.
I'll be visiting Austin next month, to see if its a place I think I could live. And maybe soon, a trip to Portland will be made as well.
What the hell am I doing...