(no subject)
Today is a mere shadow of the darkness that was yesterday. Though my smile is coming back, I am afraid I may need to talk to someone. Soon. I don't ever want to re-start my tramas of hurting myself from the past, but sadly, I almost did last night. I really don't want to burden those who read this with my evil issues, I am not trying to be dramatic, but I need to let this out. Maybe I should make this a personal entry only, but then how will I heal? I need to let this out or I will start all over with bad habits from long ago that I never wanted to start again.
Number one, I feel horrid. I takes me a long time to be able to eat anything, because if I don't eat when I am hungry, then I only seem to start feeling sick, which isn't helping anything. I did have a chance, for those who know about this situation, to talk to my uncle today. He told me that I should start out slowly, eating two meals a day of black beans and rice. That way I will be getting protein and grains, but it should only fill me up enough to get by, but it should be a meal to get started with eating better again, and eating the proper amounts, rather then too little. Its a very bland meal, but if it helps, I will do as he said. I want to get better, not stay in this weird funk I am currently in.
Number two, I wish my money situations were better. Every one of you knows about my move, though if you know about it, you also know that sadly, I keep having to postpone it a little bit more with nearly every week due to money. Yes, I have the offer for financial help from Antoine, but I don't want to take his money. I feel guilty and bad taking money from people unless I am desperate. I mean, if I get to that point, I might just have to accept it, but I want to try my hardest not to take it without dire need. If I have to work 3 jobs, so be it. I have always been proud of what I can earn on my own, even if its very little, and only enough to get me by. Another thing that I both feel bad about, and has been bothering me, is my passport situation. Yes, I sent the stuff in, but its been taking much longer then I expected, and I recently found out that they think my app got lost in the mail. Not a comforting though. This is really starting to stress me out. This means I have to re-send in all the paperwork, which I have to RE-DO, and well, I have to pay the extra $100 to have it expediated. This is hurting, because I got my check last night, and it was much less then expected. I only worked our post office flights once last week, meaning I got very little overtime. In total, my check was a wapping $120, and of which, I owed my parents $40. Normally all my checks are around $200, but apparently that was not the case this week. On top of that, I won't start really earning more money from the new job until two weeks from now. I will do whatever it takes to move within the next month, but my biggest fear is my passport, and how fast it will get back to me. Whatever you do, do NOT use the US Postal service. -.- They obviously don't know what the fuck they are doing. Oh yes, thats right, Jake worked with them for a while, and last night he was telling me how they just through the shit and kick things into the trailers, because they are lazy bums who drink on the job. -.-
Anywho. Besides that, I need major stress relief, and soon. Jessie always told me I should meditate or something, for like, 2 hours, just sit there and calm myself and relax, and it should help, but its so hard to find time for that, you know? I think its a good idea, and I really should do so soon. Otherwise my stress relief will come from the bad thing I did last night. (That needs not be mentioned) As I said, for those of you who understand this, take it how you may, but I don't want to have to go through what I did in high school, the hiding myself away, and "rubberbands." You know what saved me from doing worse then just one line last night? Antoine. Thoughts of him, dreams of him, and just smiles from hearing his voice. I hope he knows quite how much he helps me. I hope he understands that even in darkness I see light...because of him.
My dreams last night were bad, and sadly, based upon someone I have sworn to myself to forget. Right before I fell asleep I got a voicemail from Nick. More bitching and moaning and giving me excuses for forgetting about me for nearly 3 months now. I think my thoughts would have been happy going to bed, if Antoine had been the last thing I heard, which I thought it would be. But as I was getting off the phone with him, thats when I got the message from Nick, and it kinda put a damper on the end of my night. Because of being upset, my dreams turned to depressing ones.
Antoine. If you are reading this, I want you to know a few things. First off, you give me hope. Hope that tomorrow might not be so bad. That I don't have to be afraid to wake up in the monring, looking at a dull life that is just standing still. (As my father always says) I love you so much. You mean more to me then you can ever know. You really have been the star in my evening sky, and the light in my night. Even when life gets shitty, I think about you, and it puts a smile on my face. You are the quickest medicine to any depressing thought, or painful memory. I daydream of you, and think of you all the time. Even at times while I sleep you appear. Your a reason fro me to keep going each and every day, and you have also given me hope for the future. And most of all, you have changed me. Well, you haven't, I have changed myself because I want to be the best person I can be for you, and if I can make you happy, it will fulfill my life.
Anna, Amy, Kendall, Brian, and all the other friends who don't typically read my LJ. You also give me hope, and happiness within my life. I shouldn't really complain, everyone has a bad day and goes through shit, but maybe some are just stronger mentally then others? Well, I tend to hold on rather well, but I guess last night was my breaking point, and we all have one of those every now and then. No, I am by no means suicidal, and never will be. Even when life gets shitty, there are always new things to find and new smiles for the future. No, I just am sad, because I had a shitty day. There is a difference, so don't take this wrong.
Anyhow, I better end this before it gets longer then any of you are willing to read. Thank you for caring, taking the time to give me a hug, or a nice compliment, even when I am in a good mood. It makes my life that much more worth living. <3
~Je reve de toi~