Rape, Abuse & Issues of Consent in BDSM
Something I feel is important to discuss in the wake of an incident that has recently come to light, where a Trans guy by the name of Jack has very bravely come forward to speak out about the rape/sexual assault he suffered at the hands of his then partner.
Warning - content of links may be triggering to rape/abuse survivors.
http://www.journalfen.net/community/unfunny_fandom/14383.html
Several people have journaled about this already, with a variety of responses ranging from supportive and positive, to dismissive, to wtf? rage inducing.
A couple of the more supportive posts on this issue for further reference.
http://lookninjas.dreamwidth.org/135900.html
http://www.20by20room.com/2011/07/more-heartbreak/
I wanted to touch on the aspects of BDSM present in this situation. Let me start off by saying that I do not know, nor am I acquainted in anyway with any of the people involved. I've never spoken to Jack, Kynn/Keeva, or Alexandraerin in any context. Regarding my own interests/involvement in regards to BDSM, I will freely admit I identify as a Service Top into S&M play & have very rarely engaged in any sort of D/s play or dynamic.
In a post made by Alexandraerin, Alexandraerin states - "Our relationship... mine and Jack's... is negotiated D/s, and we do all sorts of things that if "vanilla" people heard or saw might cause pause, to say the least."
Warning - details of rape given
alexandraerin.livejournal.com/286563.html
The optimum word here being 'negotiated'. 'Negotiated' says that a discussion has taken place, opinions have been sought and listened to, wants and needs have been taken into consideration, and a mutually satisfactory arrangement, for all parties involved, has been reached. 'Negotiated' also implies consent. And therein lies the crux of what it is that we do, as far as I'm concerned.
Consent, motherfuckers, you needz it!!!
Although, as far as I'm aware at least, no one has actually said anything specific regarding the incident with Jack and Kynn/Keeva, I know, and can imagine how some people's minds work when it comes to this issue. It's one of the reasons why people involved with BDSM are often so reluctant to speak up or come forward when they are being abused, it's also one of the biggest reasons why sexual assault and abuse cases involving practitioners of BDSM, whether the assault occurred within the context of a scene or not, have a tendency not to fare well in a court of law. People mistake consensual BDSM play for abuse, and they mistakenly believe consent given in one situation translates to consent given in all situations. This person likes to be slapped and humiliated, they might think; they enjoy being 'forced' to do things against their will; they've expressed a desire to transfer power to someone else, to be controlled and used. If this is what they're into, how on earth can they now turn around and cry 'rape' or 'abuse'?
Once more with feeling...
Consent, motherfuckers, you needz it!!!
Consent in BDSM is, or at least it should be as far as I'm concerned, an ongoing process of negotiation. It should never be taken for granted or assumed. Consent for one activity does not imply consent for another, and a person's enjoyment of a consensual situation where they are playing a role that to an outsider might look like abuse, does not, I repeat NOT, ever imply that person will therefore enjoy, or wish to be non consensually abused. Some of the acronyms used in BDSM alone should be a giant clue by four to any outsider that when it comes to this sort of lifestyle, or play, you're talking about a consensual situation, a situation that has been mutually agreed to by those involved, a situation where consent has been sought and given in turn.
Safe Sane Consensual
Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
Consensual Non Consent
All of these contain one, repeated word - "consensual". Regardless of a person's past activities, regardless of their personal preferences whether in the bedroom or outside of it, regardless of whatever kinks or fetishes they might hold, without consent it becomes abuse, without consent it IS rape.
But perhaps, so others might think, perhaps in this situation Kynn/Keeva observed the dynamic between Jack and Alexandraerin and misunderstood what was involved. Perhaps this is simply a case of a new or inexperienced player who wanted to join in, but didn't know what they were doing.
Still no dice.
As someone who is interested in, and who is/has been involved with BDSM it is my responsibility to find out exactly what that does or does not entail; as someone who is interested in, and who is/has been involved with BDSM it is my responsibility to ensure that I am educated in as many facets of what it is that we do as possible; as a Top it is my responsibility to know what the fuck I'm doing. If I fail in this respect, especially if I am a new comer to the lifestyle/scene, then as far as I'm concerned at best that makes me irresponsible, and at worst it makes me a rapist/abuser.
In the particular case of Jack and Kynn/Keeva there is no best case/worse case scenario, as far as I'm concerned what Kynn/Keeva did amounts to rape/sexual assault. Even if the situation between Jack and Kynn/Keeva was part of a BDSM scene/dynamic, with Kynn/Keeva playing the role of Top or Dominant, again that does not mean the issue of consent just magically goes away, and it does not mean that as the Top/Dominant Kynn/Keeva didn't have to take into consideration any of Jack's hard or soft limits. For example, Jack stating to Kynn/Keeva "You never have consent to touch my breasts in public. That's never okay" automatically makes touching Jack's chest in public a hard limit within the context of BDSM, as well as something he has not consented to, therefore you don't do it. Hard limits are a line you do not cross in my book.
Finally I'd like to just touch on the issue of safe words. In her post, Alexandraerin states, "Their relationship had a safeword, but of course the presence of a safeword in a relationship doesn't make consent universal in its absence" (bolded for emphasis). This is a very important point to remember, especially if you're going to be involved in any aspect of BDSM as a Top or Dominant. Safe words are not some sort of magical, get out of jail free card, whose non utterance equates to continuing consent being given. There are a myriad of reasons why a Bottom or Submissive may not use a safe word, even when they have withdrawn consent, and wish for a scene to stop. As the Top or Dominant in control of a scene, it is your responsibility not to assume 'lack of a safe word having been spoken, equals automatic consent to keep going', and to check in with your Bottom/Submissive (and yes, it is possible to do this without breaking the mood, or preventing someone from slipping into sub space). Remember, as far as I'm concerned consent in BDSM is, and should always be considered, an ongoing process of negotiation.
Anyway that's enough from me on this issue. As always Play Safe, Have Fun and Know What The Fuck You're Doing.
Warning - content of links may be triggering to rape/abuse survivors.
http://www.journalfen.net/community/unfunny_fandom/14383.html
Several people have journaled about this already, with a variety of responses ranging from supportive and positive, to dismissive, to wtf? rage inducing.
A couple of the more supportive posts on this issue for further reference.
http://lookninjas.dreamwidth.org/135900.html
http://www.20by20room.com/2011/07/more-heartbreak/
I wanted to touch on the aspects of BDSM present in this situation. Let me start off by saying that I do not know, nor am I acquainted in anyway with any of the people involved. I've never spoken to Jack, Kynn/Keeva, or Alexandraerin in any context. Regarding my own interests/involvement in regards to BDSM, I will freely admit I identify as a Service Top into S&M play & have very rarely engaged in any sort of D/s play or dynamic.
In a post made by Alexandraerin, Alexandraerin states - "Our relationship... mine and Jack's... is negotiated D/s, and we do all sorts of things that if "vanilla" people heard or saw might cause pause, to say the least."
Warning - details of rape given
alexandraerin.livejournal.com/286563.html
The optimum word here being 'negotiated'. 'Negotiated' says that a discussion has taken place, opinions have been sought and listened to, wants and needs have been taken into consideration, and a mutually satisfactory arrangement, for all parties involved, has been reached. 'Negotiated' also implies consent. And therein lies the crux of what it is that we do, as far as I'm concerned.
Consent, motherfuckers, you needz it!!!
Although, as far as I'm aware at least, no one has actually said anything specific regarding the incident with Jack and Kynn/Keeva, I know, and can imagine how some people's minds work when it comes to this issue. It's one of the reasons why people involved with BDSM are often so reluctant to speak up or come forward when they are being abused, it's also one of the biggest reasons why sexual assault and abuse cases involving practitioners of BDSM, whether the assault occurred within the context of a scene or not, have a tendency not to fare well in a court of law. People mistake consensual BDSM play for abuse, and they mistakenly believe consent given in one situation translates to consent given in all situations. This person likes to be slapped and humiliated, they might think; they enjoy being 'forced' to do things against their will; they've expressed a desire to transfer power to someone else, to be controlled and used. If this is what they're into, how on earth can they now turn around and cry 'rape' or 'abuse'?
Once more with feeling...
Consent, motherfuckers, you needz it!!!
Consent in BDSM is, or at least it should be as far as I'm concerned, an ongoing process of negotiation. It should never be taken for granted or assumed. Consent for one activity does not imply consent for another, and a person's enjoyment of a consensual situation where they are playing a role that to an outsider might look like abuse, does not, I repeat NOT, ever imply that person will therefore enjoy, or wish to be non consensually abused. Some of the acronyms used in BDSM alone should be a giant clue by four to any outsider that when it comes to this sort of lifestyle, or play, you're talking about a consensual situation, a situation that has been mutually agreed to by those involved, a situation where consent has been sought and given in turn.
Safe Sane Consensual
Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
Consensual Non Consent
All of these contain one, repeated word - "consensual". Regardless of a person's past activities, regardless of their personal preferences whether in the bedroom or outside of it, regardless of whatever kinks or fetishes they might hold, without consent it becomes abuse, without consent it IS rape.
But perhaps, so others might think, perhaps in this situation Kynn/Keeva observed the dynamic between Jack and Alexandraerin and misunderstood what was involved. Perhaps this is simply a case of a new or inexperienced player who wanted to join in, but didn't know what they were doing.
Still no dice.
As someone who is interested in, and who is/has been involved with BDSM it is my responsibility to find out exactly what that does or does not entail; as someone who is interested in, and who is/has been involved with BDSM it is my responsibility to ensure that I am educated in as many facets of what it is that we do as possible; as a Top it is my responsibility to know what the fuck I'm doing. If I fail in this respect, especially if I am a new comer to the lifestyle/scene, then as far as I'm concerned at best that makes me irresponsible, and at worst it makes me a rapist/abuser.
In the particular case of Jack and Kynn/Keeva there is no best case/worse case scenario, as far as I'm concerned what Kynn/Keeva did amounts to rape/sexual assault. Even if the situation between Jack and Kynn/Keeva was part of a BDSM scene/dynamic, with Kynn/Keeva playing the role of Top or Dominant, again that does not mean the issue of consent just magically goes away, and it does not mean that as the Top/Dominant Kynn/Keeva didn't have to take into consideration any of Jack's hard or soft limits. For example, Jack stating to Kynn/Keeva "You never have consent to touch my breasts in public. That's never okay" automatically makes touching Jack's chest in public a hard limit within the context of BDSM, as well as something he has not consented to, therefore you don't do it. Hard limits are a line you do not cross in my book.
Finally I'd like to just touch on the issue of safe words. In her post, Alexandraerin states, "Their relationship had a safeword, but of course the presence of a safeword in a relationship doesn't make consent universal in its absence" (bolded for emphasis). This is a very important point to remember, especially if you're going to be involved in any aspect of BDSM as a Top or Dominant. Safe words are not some sort of magical, get out of jail free card, whose non utterance equates to continuing consent being given. There are a myriad of reasons why a Bottom or Submissive may not use a safe word, even when they have withdrawn consent, and wish for a scene to stop. As the Top or Dominant in control of a scene, it is your responsibility not to assume 'lack of a safe word having been spoken, equals automatic consent to keep going', and to check in with your Bottom/Submissive (and yes, it is possible to do this without breaking the mood, or preventing someone from slipping into sub space). Remember, as far as I'm concerned consent in BDSM is, and should always be considered, an ongoing process of negotiation.
Anyway that's enough from me on this issue. As always Play Safe, Have Fun and Know What The Fuck You're Doing.