Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Title: Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester
Summary: This is my obligatory Mary-Sue story. Everybody should have one, right? I think I did it wrong, though. Crack fic.
Disclaimer: Not mine, I'm just playing with other people's toys
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Dean came back from his trip to the school's office with the file he had been looking for under his arm and an irritated expression on his face. When he'd volunteered to charm up the school's secretary he hadn't expected her to be a he. A he in his fifties. At least he had been talkative about the girl in question. Cheerfully, praising and a bit creepy talkative about a fifteen year old girl.
Dean shuddered and threw the file in the passenger seat without actually having a look at anything besides the picture of the girl pinned to the front page. He had a geek little brother for the reading part.
"Have a look at her picture." Dean said when he entered their motel room and put the file on top of the stacks of papers in front of Sam. Little brother had been busy, too.
"Kids are actually wearing this colors in their hair nowadays?" Was Sam's first reaction.
"That was my first thought, too." Dean said over his shoulder while he grabbed them some beers out of the little fridge. "Guess what, that's her natural hair. Or at least that's what the secretary claims." Little brother didn't need to know about the he part of said secretary.
"It's neon green with sapphire highlights." Sam squinted at the picture. "Are her eyes pink? And I don't mean in a pink eye way."
"That was the first clue it's her." Dean answered not without a little pride in his voice. He had been to the school just to cover the basics and he came back with a suspect. Not bad for a long shot. "Heard some girls talking about how the top she wears today brings out the pink of her eyes."
"C'mon, nobody finds it strange that she has pink eyes and natural neon green hair?" Sam picked the picture up to have a better look. "With sapphire highlights."
"Everybody loves her." Dean sat down across his brother and took a sip from his beer. "A little bit too much, if you ask me. Smells like witchcraft or something."
Sam nodded, still baffled by the picture. "Maybe her friends can tell us more."
Two days and endless interviews with giggling teenagers later Dean sat next to Sam in a quiet corner of the local library. At least they were pretty sure what they were dealing with by then.
"I think this is where she lives." Sam showed him a picture of what looked like an abandoned fire department. Dean half expected to see the Ghostbusters' logo staring back at him.
"Sure it's the right place?" He asked. This didn't look like a place a teenager would stay at. For an illegal party, maybe, but not to live there.
Sam squinted at the brick building and then buried his nose in the stack of papers in front of him.
"She inherited it from her grandmother a few months back. Along with quite some money." Sam confirmed. "According to her friends she lives upstairs. Downstairs she has a fitness room, a dojo, a spa with a pool - her pool parties a legendary or so I've been told - and a laboratory."
"A lab?" Dean raised an eyebrow. "Why would a teenager have a lab? Is she the female version of Dexter?"
"As far as I know she hasn't killed anybody directly." Sam checked his notes again.
"Not serial killer Dexter, Dexter's Lab Dexter." Dean rolled his eyes. "Seriously? You were addicted to that show. You even called me Dee Dee until I threatened you with going all Dee Dee over your favorite books."
The way Sam's ears turned pink he remembered only too well but he pretended to be busy with his notes.
"Are you sure she's the one?" Dean, awesome big brother he was, let him off the hook. Sam took a deep breath before he answered and Dean knew he was in for more detail he ever wanted.
"Her name is Crystal Amber Ravenwing of Awesomeness." Sam let the name roll over his tongue. "The III." Another dramatic pause and Dean made an impatient gesture to get his brother to talk.
"She has a black belt in five martial arts, is world champion of chess, fencing and cliff diving. And yesterday she cured the sniffles, guess that's what the lab is for, and rescued three cats from trees. Five boys and two girls already committed suicide because she didn't want to marry them. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is the one."
"Very impressive." Dean whistled. "Okay, let's kill that bitch." He stood up but Sam hold him back.
"It won't be that easy."
"When is it ever." Dean let out a sigh and dropped back in his chair.
"She's part vampire and part werewolf and she comes from an old line of fairies."
"Dude, Cupid on Ecstasy?" Dean had no idea how the fairy part played in but he imagined a vampire and a werewolf going hot for each other. The pictures in his head were kinda bloody. And teethy. With a little bit of claws.
"There are pictures I really don't want to have in my head." Sam had a point there. But still.
"Does she have fangs over her fangs? Sounds kinda ugly. And rather inefficient."
Sam just glared at him and Dean got his mind back on track. Kill that bitch. Right, he could do that.
"So. Silver bullet to the heart and then we decapitate her with an iron blade?" Dean was half out of his chair but a glance at Sam and he dropped back again. "What? That covers every part of her. Even if not, almost everything should be dead after that."
Sam didn't say anything.
"We could burn her for good measure." Dean offered.
"Did you even listen to me when I told you about Mary Sues?"
"I was busy not loosing my lunch when you pulled out the incense sticks." Dean defended himself. He got that the smoke from the herbs Sam had burned would protect him from the Sue's glamor so he wouldn't instantly fall in love with her or anything, but it had a bit too much of a new age witchcraft vibe for his liking.
"In short." Sam let out a sigh. "She has all the strengths but none of the weaknesses. She's not effected by iron like a fairy, no reaction to silver or dead man's blood either. On the other hand, her self-healing due to the werewolf and vampire parts is strong enough to grow back limbs and most likely she'd survive a decapitation. With the fairy part she has the glamor on her side, too. Oh, and she lives vegan."
Dean let the information sink in. They were screwed.
"So, how do we kill her?" He finally asked. He'd expected this to be over pretty soon and now it got more complicated by the minute.
"We can't. But …" With a raised finger Sam searched through his notes again. "Here. In 1973 a hunter named Paula Smith banished a Mary Sue from our reality."
"Our reality?" Dean ran a hand over his face. "Okay, I bite. Where did she end up?"
"A fictional reality."
"A what?"
"Okay, look. It was 1973, Star Trek had its first big hype." Sam shifted in his seat, warming up to the topic.
Figures, geek boy is happy to take his little Trekkie out for a walk, Dean thought.
"Paula happened to be writing a story about the Star Trek characters." Sam continued.
"Let me guess. The Sue popped up in that story." Dean felt like he should be surprised, like he should question it, but if he was honest, it wasn't the weirdest thing he'd ever heard. Far from it.
"Paula's theory was that the Sue knew about Star Trek or was even a fan."
Dean nodded, it made sense. Kind of. In a twisted kind of way. "Bitch gets kicked out of our reality and she latches onto the nearest fictional thing she recognizes?"
"Pretty much."
"You know how to do that?" In the end it didn't really matter where that thing ended up. Kids were committing suicide in this reality, that was what mattered.
"Yeah. It's not that difficult." Sam paused for a moment, an absent look on his face. "I think we have everything we need in the trunk."
"Okay, let's banish that bitch." Dean stood up and strod toward the exit, leaving Sam to grab his notes and to follow him in a hurry. Stepping into the sunshine outside a rather unpleasant thought occurred to Dean.
"Man, I really hope she hasn't read anything by Carver Edlund lately."
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