Copy from MySpace
Overall, I have an amazing life. I am 22 years old, I have a college degree, two good jobs that I don't dread going to, an awesome group of friends and family, an all-around great life.
But I've realized recently that I am not happy. I've never been happy. Especially around this time of year, which is historically when the proverbial shit hits the fan. And this year is no different. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of a friend. I won't get into that, but it always makes me think to myself, "what could I have done to prevent this? what didn't I do that I could have done while he was alive to stop this ever from happening?" I know that it's not my fault and there probably isn't much I could have done, but the thoughts are still there. I guess it's just my nature.
Anyway, since that point in my life, I have been dedicated to helping people. I've stayed up all night to talk to friends who are down in the dumps, knowing that I can't really say much, but I can sure as hell listen to them get it out. I've actively sought out people who I think I can help, and I've latched onto them so that they realize that SOMEONE does care and SOMEONE is there for them. And I think I've done a pretty good job. I'm doing what I want to do. But am I happy? No.
Maybe I am wrong for trying to help, and maybe I'm misguided and I have these delusions that I can actually make a difference. I still think I can, and I think I have made a difference, even with people that I don't talk to anymore. I think that I've helped people along their path... but have I seen any of the rewards? No... no one is out there trying to help me or to understand me. Nobody really asks me how I'm doing and no one MAKES me answer questions when I divert them.
But Friday night that actually happened - someone asked me why I am the way I am, and I thought about MYSELF instead of the other person for a while. And I guess it was therapeutic and all, but it really just kinda sucked because it hurts to hear that you've been selling yourself short your entire life and that you need to stop letting people walk all over you. That's not what I wanted to hear, but I think it was a very necessary kick in the ass.
So now I am stuck wondering, am I really as bad as I think I am? I always thought I was pretty cool, but why don't I trust that anyone else can see it? Does that mean I have a self-image problem?? Do people really want to get away from me or are they just afraid to let me help them? Am I really delusional to think that I can help people? And should I give up? Is there ever going to be anyone who cares about me or wants to help me and provide for me as much as I want to for them? And honestly, is that why I'm unhappy - that no one is willing to do so?
It all sucks. All of it. And I don't know what to do to help myself... I guess that's why I'm writing this, I don't know. All I know is that there's a lot more to me than I thought, and I would have never known it existed... I don't know if thanks or curses are in order. I guess I'll find out.
But I've realized recently that I am not happy. I've never been happy. Especially around this time of year, which is historically when the proverbial shit hits the fan. And this year is no different. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of a friend. I won't get into that, but it always makes me think to myself, "what could I have done to prevent this? what didn't I do that I could have done while he was alive to stop this ever from happening?" I know that it's not my fault and there probably isn't much I could have done, but the thoughts are still there. I guess it's just my nature.
Anyway, since that point in my life, I have been dedicated to helping people. I've stayed up all night to talk to friends who are down in the dumps, knowing that I can't really say much, but I can sure as hell listen to them get it out. I've actively sought out people who I think I can help, and I've latched onto them so that they realize that SOMEONE does care and SOMEONE is there for them. And I think I've done a pretty good job. I'm doing what I want to do. But am I happy? No.
Maybe I am wrong for trying to help, and maybe I'm misguided and I have these delusions that I can actually make a difference. I still think I can, and I think I have made a difference, even with people that I don't talk to anymore. I think that I've helped people along their path... but have I seen any of the rewards? No... no one is out there trying to help me or to understand me. Nobody really asks me how I'm doing and no one MAKES me answer questions when I divert them.
But Friday night that actually happened - someone asked me why I am the way I am, and I thought about MYSELF instead of the other person for a while. And I guess it was therapeutic and all, but it really just kinda sucked because it hurts to hear that you've been selling yourself short your entire life and that you need to stop letting people walk all over you. That's not what I wanted to hear, but I think it was a very necessary kick in the ass.
So now I am stuck wondering, am I really as bad as I think I am? I always thought I was pretty cool, but why don't I trust that anyone else can see it? Does that mean I have a self-image problem?? Do people really want to get away from me or are they just afraid to let me help them? Am I really delusional to think that I can help people? And should I give up? Is there ever going to be anyone who cares about me or wants to help me and provide for me as much as I want to for them? And honestly, is that why I'm unhappy - that no one is willing to do so?
It all sucks. All of it. And I don't know what to do to help myself... I guess that's why I'm writing this, I don't know. All I know is that there's a lot more to me than I thought, and I would have never known it existed... I don't know if thanks or curses are in order. I guess I'll find out.