happy sad no just tired
so now im almost sure coco is at least bi, and we are hanging out this weekend. i was just thinking how raunch it would feel to be known as the gay girl. im also noticing that i tend not to be feminine. which sucks. i mean, i want to be true to myself and who i am in entirety, but i DON"T EVER want to be butch. ever. i want to be a lez babe magnet. d00d. i want to 'ooz sexuality' like kate.
omg i acctually wrote a letter to kate moennig. i've never written a crazed lez fan letter (or any fan letter for that) but i owed it to myself as its her fucking fault im gay. joking but its almost true. then i was listening to this song by dynamite hack called "dear kate" and its so weird. it was almost exactly what i wrote in the letter. it goes:
dear kate,
even though we've never met,
i can tell by the outfit that you're not like all the other ones
they know it i know it they know it and i know it too
ever since the day you first looked out at me from the magazine
the more of your face we see we get the mystery oh girl you said it so... etc.
i find myself living more and more through tv, particularly the L word. probably because my life is put on pause every day at like 4 b/c i have to just come home after school. and i waste that time on lj. also because these women live enviable lives, all gay friends, all hot, and living in a seemingly gay community whereas i have to live here as a minority and create a separate lj so i can talk about all things gay. OMG.
today was good in a weird way. i was sitting in bio and my teacher talked some about churches of the earlier empires (duh church=bio? go figure) and a part of me that has been so long dorment was awakened. i acctaully envisioned the priests and imagined believing what they believed and was moved(?) but waht was awakened was my love for history and interest in learning. WAY SWEET. to bad it subsided and i ended up cutting the next class b/c i wanted to sit in the sun alone. so i guess i can be antisocial and love history at the same time.
why is it so profound that i like history again?
oh yea. it isn't.
i grew up being told that i was beautiful and exceptional and wonderful and all the variotions of -ful. so i've held myself to this -ful standards my whole life until now. i realized (with the help of lj rating communities) that im not beautiful. at first that made me sad, but then it sort of took pressure off. then i realized taht im not as fucking brilliant as i would have liked to think. ii also realized that im extremely immature when i thought i was hot shit because i didn't party like an idiot. but then i partied like an idiot and ended up in the hospital. sweet.
back to gayness. i really don't want to make a move on courtney because i don't want to be labeled as the girl who tries to get with her friends. aka rapist. bad news bears.
OMG SO MUCH TEXTZIES
omg i acctually wrote a letter to kate moennig. i've never written a crazed lez fan letter (or any fan letter for that) but i owed it to myself as its her fucking fault im gay. joking but its almost true. then i was listening to this song by dynamite hack called "dear kate" and its so weird. it was almost exactly what i wrote in the letter. it goes:
dear kate,
even though we've never met,
i can tell by the outfit that you're not like all the other ones
they know it i know it they know it and i know it too
ever since the day you first looked out at me from the magazine
the more of your face we see we get the mystery oh girl you said it so... etc.
i find myself living more and more through tv, particularly the L word. probably because my life is put on pause every day at like 4 b/c i have to just come home after school. and i waste that time on lj. also because these women live enviable lives, all gay friends, all hot, and living in a seemingly gay community whereas i have to live here as a minority and create a separate lj so i can talk about all things gay. OMG.
today was good in a weird way. i was sitting in bio and my teacher talked some about churches of the earlier empires (duh church=bio? go figure) and a part of me that has been so long dorment was awakened. i acctaully envisioned the priests and imagined believing what they believed and was moved(?) but waht was awakened was my love for history and interest in learning. WAY SWEET. to bad it subsided and i ended up cutting the next class b/c i wanted to sit in the sun alone. so i guess i can be antisocial and love history at the same time.
why is it so profound that i like history again?
oh yea. it isn't.
i grew up being told that i was beautiful and exceptional and wonderful and all the variotions of -ful. so i've held myself to this -ful standards my whole life until now. i realized (with the help of lj rating communities) that im not beautiful. at first that made me sad, but then it sort of took pressure off. then i realized taht im not as fucking brilliant as i would have liked to think. ii also realized that im extremely immature when i thought i was hot shit because i didn't party like an idiot. but then i partied like an idiot and ended up in the hospital. sweet.
back to gayness. i really don't want to make a move on courtney because i don't want to be labeled as the girl who tries to get with her friends. aka rapist. bad news bears.
OMG SO MUCH TEXTZIES