(no subject)
I've been feeling iffy since spring break, and this week just kind of snowballed. I feel like all my relationships (always with an exception or so) have become purely academic or professional.
My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, and I haven't been getting anything - I've been absolutely empty.
I haven't had time to hang out with anybody because we're all SO busy, and even when the BBF and I got lunch or something, we had to talk about the show we're working on together, because it's going up soon. Even when I've had time, nobody invites me to do things, and I get so fucking tired of perpetually being the only one to initiate contact that I just haven't. Feeling like I'm twisting your arm to spend time with me doesn't make me feel loved. Then everything I've heard in the past forever has been some complaint or other. Either it's something I'm doing wrong (why weren't you in class, we need that file, you put the wrong song in the rehearsal report, etc.) or something in their life they need me to fix (my girlfriend's a bitch, I'm having a bad day, your sister is crazy, my parents are fighting). And I've been so busy, stage managing and doing publicity, that some things have to fall through the cracks, I can't do everything, and when I can't do something it makes me feel super incompetent. And I love taking care of the people around me, but I'm empathetic, to the point where, if I don't watch it, I kind of tune into their emotions, and when I'm this run down I can't guard myself properly, so I've also been taking on all the BBF's problems and my other friends' issues in addition to mine. (And of course, I get to feel the reflected crappiness and worry about them.) And our department is big on little encouragement messages - "Hey, Katie, just wanted to let you know you're the cutest thing ever - we're so lucky to have you around!" And when I log onto Facebook, my wall has all kinds of them flying from me to people I like, and between other people in the department, but they never wing their way back to me. (When you're as outwardly confident and happy as I am, no one feels the need to encourage you.) Which isn't to say I'm upset that other people get loved on, I think it's great, but when you're feeling really emotionally drained and just need to hear something positive, seeing all the positive things other people hear just kind of makes you feel more alone.
So that's where I've been. And the feelings, obviously, aren't really as neat as all that, but I'm trying to explain.
So it was really lovely, night before last, to get to just chill. The BBF and I went back to his place after a 14-hour day, and finished our rum, and got a (very) little tipsy, and just laughed and talked about nothing until 2 in the morning. And that was nice.
My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, and I haven't been getting anything - I've been absolutely empty.
I haven't had time to hang out with anybody because we're all SO busy, and even when the BBF and I got lunch or something, we had to talk about the show we're working on together, because it's going up soon. Even when I've had time, nobody invites me to do things, and I get so fucking tired of perpetually being the only one to initiate contact that I just haven't. Feeling like I'm twisting your arm to spend time with me doesn't make me feel loved. Then everything I've heard in the past forever has been some complaint or other. Either it's something I'm doing wrong (why weren't you in class, we need that file, you put the wrong song in the rehearsal report, etc.) or something in their life they need me to fix (my girlfriend's a bitch, I'm having a bad day, your sister is crazy, my parents are fighting). And I've been so busy, stage managing and doing publicity, that some things have to fall through the cracks, I can't do everything, and when I can't do something it makes me feel super incompetent. And I love taking care of the people around me, but I'm empathetic, to the point where, if I don't watch it, I kind of tune into their emotions, and when I'm this run down I can't guard myself properly, so I've also been taking on all the BBF's problems and my other friends' issues in addition to mine. (And of course, I get to feel the reflected crappiness and worry about them.) And our department is big on little encouragement messages - "Hey, Katie, just wanted to let you know you're the cutest thing ever - we're so lucky to have you around!" And when I log onto Facebook, my wall has all kinds of them flying from me to people I like, and between other people in the department, but they never wing their way back to me. (When you're as outwardly confident and happy as I am, no one feels the need to encourage you.) Which isn't to say I'm upset that other people get loved on, I think it's great, but when you're feeling really emotionally drained and just need to hear something positive, seeing all the positive things other people hear just kind of makes you feel more alone.
So that's where I've been. And the feelings, obviously, aren't really as neat as all that, but I'm trying to explain.
So it was really lovely, night before last, to get to just chill. The BBF and I went back to his place after a 14-hour day, and finished our rum, and got a (very) little tipsy, and just laughed and talked about nothing until 2 in the morning. And that was nice.