(no subject)

[embracedelirium]

i... hate... my anxiety.... how i turn something so little into something so big... when it really doesnt matter... i hate it.. i really do... but no matter how many times i'll tell myself 'it doesn't matter'... i still catch myself in the storm of delusions that i conjure up in my brain. maybe it's normal... maybe other people have the same feelings i do... if i met that person i'd be sure annoyed the fuck out of them... probably as annoyed as i am with myself... chicken in a biscut... i found them on my rack tonight... can't wait to try them... i stored them safely behind the air conditioner... nobody thinks to look there... anyway.. what else? i don't know... i couldn't get my tattoo today because i have a sunburn.. .so that delays things till thursday, hopefully a day worth of scorching back scrubbing to remove the dead skin off my back will make it in time.. scrubbing a back that is REALLY badly sunburn doesnt feel good at all... i tried earlier today, it almost made me cry... tonight i went to 'pipeline cafe'... so many beautiful women there... alot were totally staring me down.. .but i didn't care.. i was the dd tonight.. yea i had a bit to drink but at the end of the night when everyone was drinking shots and what not i was drinking water trying to get pissed off so i could drive hope safe... my friends called me money.. .i call it getting my friends home safe... course being in the guard has highered my alcohol tolerance ten fold... TEN.. i miss larry... he's in army bootcamp now, i wonder how he's doing... i can't imagine... the guard, a part of the military? what? seems almost too far fetched. the army... that's some heavy shit... people come from the corps and the army to here... they laugh at how we are.. it's a joke almost... but i'd rather be nowhere else than here. i can't imagine where i'd be without the guard. i'm so glad the god almighty has let me stay. definantly been comming closer to god lately. yea wooo say what you have to say about religion... i clearly don't give a fuck... i know my god has given me a life worth dying for.. and if i died tomorrow, i'd be a happy man. we're leaving soon... going to the place i've only dreamed of going before... i still can't believe i'm going... three life long goals happening within the same year... i don't even know the responce i should make... every time i pray i try to remember to thank god for letting it all happen... mom and dad bought a lumber company in grainger... invested all they have in it... i hope it goes well. i'm scared, i love my dad yes, he is a very brilliant man in so many different ways, but i'm not so sure on this decision he's made. all i can do is pray every day that things go well, and start investing myself if, god forbit, things go 'tits up'. well it's 3 in the morning and i've rambled my thoughts enough... i hope someday i can escape it all... everthing in it's very essence... some people dream of going to heaven when they die... i dream of there being nothing, in it's most purest form... nothing... it sounds so nice. modern day society... i hold back my vomit when i say that.. it's wretched...

"rain rain go away
come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun"

how can you rise up
when you're staring at the ground
the next morning brings a smile
but when it's over it seems old again
the flowers smell so good
but they wilt like all the others
does the compass ever stop spinning
when i'm trying to find the direction
i wish i could break away
just to float into the infinite nothing
nothing... wouldn't that be something

don't forget mother's day... may 8th.. mom's don't carry around a parasite for 9 months for nothing...