It has been a while kids!
Don't take the time to read this if you dont what to read about my thoughts on my life and depression.
My life is so confusing right now, i dont know what to do with myself. It's like this gap between high school and college has put me in a different perspective of what is to come in the future. I have spent most of my time this summer with new friends and rehearsing instead of spending as much time possible with the friends i fixing to move far away from. I am sorry everyone, i feel like saying goodbye to you is going to be to hard so i am avoiding getting close to you because its just easier to ignore the fact that we have friendship. I dont know what i am saying anymore like I said my life is totally upside down right now. I attempted getting over Ben; he is asleep in my bed right now so i guess you could say it didnt work to well. I cried last night after running out of his apartment because i couldn't stand the fact that i feel so much love, yet he just remains a friend. I am worried that i will never find someone better, i know that i will compare him with every man i date, and they are never going to be good enough. If he asked me to run away with him tomorrow i would. How can life be so cruel? I know yall get sick of hearing about my boy problems, but i needed to tell someone. Its my birthday monday, i will be 19! My family will be out of town so if you want to hang out give me a call i will probably be up for anything. Shit! I sit hear and read this over and over again debating what it really means and i cry because its so fucked up and I want to start all over and erase who i am. I know there are people who are worse off, but why does anyone have to deal with problems and sorrow. Why can't God just fucking fix it all. I am worried about the people i have hurt and the people i will hurt in the future. Will there pain lead to suffering of my own heart? Will i burn in hell? Will i get so fed up with my self that i end my own life, and end up hurting even more people with my death? It scares me that suicide enters my mind even if it for a brief moment i dont think it will ever come to that, but why does it even enter my mind? I really just want the world to end because i am sick of all the suffering, i cant believe there is a God with all the pain in the world but i can't live without him in order to be happy.
My life is so confusing right now, i dont know what to do with myself. It's like this gap between high school and college has put me in a different perspective of what is to come in the future. I have spent most of my time this summer with new friends and rehearsing instead of spending as much time possible with the friends i fixing to move far away from. I am sorry everyone, i feel like saying goodbye to you is going to be to hard so i am avoiding getting close to you because its just easier to ignore the fact that we have friendship. I dont know what i am saying anymore like I said my life is totally upside down right now. I attempted getting over Ben; he is asleep in my bed right now so i guess you could say it didnt work to well. I cried last night after running out of his apartment because i couldn't stand the fact that i feel so much love, yet he just remains a friend. I am worried that i will never find someone better, i know that i will compare him with every man i date, and they are never going to be good enough. If he asked me to run away with him tomorrow i would. How can life be so cruel? I know yall get sick of hearing about my boy problems, but i needed to tell someone. Its my birthday monday, i will be 19! My family will be out of town so if you want to hang out give me a call i will probably be up for anything. Shit! I sit hear and read this over and over again debating what it really means and i cry because its so fucked up and I want to start all over and erase who i am. I know there are people who are worse off, but why does anyone have to deal with problems and sorrow. Why can't God just fucking fix it all. I am worried about the people i have hurt and the people i will hurt in the future. Will there pain lead to suffering of my own heart? Will i burn in hell? Will i get so fed up with my self that i end my own life, and end up hurting even more people with my death? It scares me that suicide enters my mind even if it for a brief moment i dont think it will ever come to that, but why does it even enter my mind? I really just want the world to end because i am sick of all the suffering, i cant believe there is a God with all the pain in the world but i can't live without him in order to be happy.