Grr! Only, seriously!
So, I just got off the phone with my older brother. As the years have gone on, I feel we are more and more alike. Only, he's married with 3 children and stuck in the crotch of satan aka: Roosevelt. Our conversation included much of the following. We were cut short so I wasn't able to resolve my thoughts aloud. So now all of you poor people get to read as I try to wrap my mind around this.
What the hell am I going to do with my life? I mean I know what I would LIKE to happen, but I feel that is the least likely TO happen. I want to find that special someone, possibly get a masters in neuroscience and study autism. I would like to see myself with a family... house, I'll even throw in a white picket fence so the neighbors are happy. I want to 'think positively'. I want to 'put it out into the universe' if you will, so these things can happen. But I really feel like they WON'T! I seriously just want to SCREAM!
My brother's advice when I told him I don't know what to do with my life was 1, to go to college and 2, 3,4,5,... etc. make my life about guys. Meet as many and date as many as possible. Have that be second only to school. How I WISH I could take his advice! I have this infuriating problem with social anxiety and I HATE dating. I hate it. A free meal isn't worth forcing conversation with someone I already know I'm not going to click with. I'm done faking a smile and pretending like I am having a good time when all I want to do is go home.
I'm afraid I'm becoming a goraphobe.
And that actually isn't scarcastic.
Next, the conversation went to well, my sister moved back to the basin and it worked for her. She's madly in love with her husband, loves her kid, got her degree, works at the hospital, is adored by the entire population... etc. "There's a guy in the basin for you too, Teres." he had said. No. There's not. I don't label myself as republican or democratic. I have my views and they are what they are. But I swear that if I dare go to the basin and not hold back my entire PERSONALITY, let ALONE my opinions... I don't even want to imagine it. People out there are SO I can't emphasize enough... ignorant!!! Its all about guns and bleeding red meat and oil. Who cares if your kid graduates from high school? Nobody does out there. To be a 'man' you have to know how to shoot a gun, chew tobacco, and run machinery on the rigs. And to be a woman out there means to get your nails done regularly and take your beatings without letting anyone in the ward know about it. If you've got these social cues down, who needs to have any academic background? Sadly, I see their point of view CLEARLY: there are people out there spending thousands and thousands of dollars getting an education when they (the 'smart' ones) make $80,000 per year to start driving a hot oil truck. They do NOT see anything outside of this pathetic sphere!
TO HELL I'M GOING BACK TO THE BASIN!
But what the hell is there outside of it for me? I hate being lonely. Thats all I've got! I'm SO lonely. I hate it, but I CAN'T get myself out. I don't want to fake interest, I don't want to put SO much effort into finding somebody that it just makes the loneliness worse! I've got nothing! I have no plans. I have no prospects. I really have no hope!!
And I swear, if anyone brings up god in this... I will be SO livid.
I don't know what to do. I can't plan on what I want to happen. And I don't think that what I've got right now is going to get me much farther in life. Even though I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the path with infinate options of where to take me... I'm at a dead end. Do I want to move out of state? Do I want to go back to school? Do I want to continue working where I work? Do I want to... infinity. These roads don't look like solutions. They look like my fate. Like taking any one of them, (even if I refuse to choose, that is a choice in and of itself) is resolving myself to loneliness. To accept that I have nothing but a pure LOATHING for life ahead of me. I've got nothing and no-one to look forward to in this life. It just makes me SO mad I can't see straight.
What the hell am I going to do with my life? I mean I know what I would LIKE to happen, but I feel that is the least likely TO happen. I want to find that special someone, possibly get a masters in neuroscience and study autism. I would like to see myself with a family... house, I'll even throw in a white picket fence so the neighbors are happy. I want to 'think positively'. I want to 'put it out into the universe' if you will, so these things can happen. But I really feel like they WON'T! I seriously just want to SCREAM!
My brother's advice when I told him I don't know what to do with my life was 1, to go to college and 2, 3,4,5,... etc. make my life about guys. Meet as many and date as many as possible. Have that be second only to school. How I WISH I could take his advice! I have this infuriating problem with social anxiety and I HATE dating. I hate it. A free meal isn't worth forcing conversation with someone I already know I'm not going to click with. I'm done faking a smile and pretending like I am having a good time when all I want to do is go home.
I'm afraid I'm becoming a goraphobe.
And that actually isn't scarcastic.
Next, the conversation went to well, my sister moved back to the basin and it worked for her. She's madly in love with her husband, loves her kid, got her degree, works at the hospital, is adored by the entire population... etc. "There's a guy in the basin for you too, Teres." he had said. No. There's not. I don't label myself as republican or democratic. I have my views and they are what they are. But I swear that if I dare go to the basin and not hold back my entire PERSONALITY, let ALONE my opinions... I don't even want to imagine it. People out there are SO I can't emphasize enough... ignorant!!! Its all about guns and bleeding red meat and oil. Who cares if your kid graduates from high school? Nobody does out there. To be a 'man' you have to know how to shoot a gun, chew tobacco, and run machinery on the rigs. And to be a woman out there means to get your nails done regularly and take your beatings without letting anyone in the ward know about it. If you've got these social cues down, who needs to have any academic background? Sadly, I see their point of view CLEARLY: there are people out there spending thousands and thousands of dollars getting an education when they (the 'smart' ones) make $80,000 per year to start driving a hot oil truck. They do NOT see anything outside of this pathetic sphere!
TO HELL I'M GOING BACK TO THE BASIN!
But what the hell is there outside of it for me? I hate being lonely. Thats all I've got! I'm SO lonely. I hate it, but I CAN'T get myself out. I don't want to fake interest, I don't want to put SO much effort into finding somebody that it just makes the loneliness worse! I've got nothing! I have no plans. I have no prospects. I really have no hope!!
And I swear, if anyone brings up god in this... I will be SO livid.
I don't know what to do. I can't plan on what I want to happen. And I don't think that what I've got right now is going to get me much farther in life. Even though I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the path with infinate options of where to take me... I'm at a dead end. Do I want to move out of state? Do I want to go back to school? Do I want to continue working where I work? Do I want to... infinity. These roads don't look like solutions. They look like my fate. Like taking any one of them, (even if I refuse to choose, that is a choice in and of itself) is resolving myself to loneliness. To accept that I have nothing but a pure LOATHING for life ahead of me. I've got nothing and no-one to look forward to in this life. It just makes me SO mad I can't see straight.