(no subject)
Updates on various things:
But alas...I will never have half the answers I search for.
EDIT:
I'm almost 19. 2 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days until that wonderful day finally arrives. I thought today about how it'll be last my last year as a teenager. But with that comes thoughts of my future. I can't wait to find the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow as a person with them, share everything with them, and absolutely cannot imagine what it'll be like to have them propose to me, let alone standing in front of a priest sharing marriage vows. Then we can live in our own place (for as much as I want to say house, it could be something else) and eventually have children. I want kids so badly. When I go to school in the morning I see all the parents taking their children to the nursery school and I can't help but smile because I want to do that one day. I want to hold my childrens' hands and dress them nicely in the morning, pack them a little lunch to eat, and wave to them and tell them to have a good day and that I'll be back to pick them up. I want to name my boy Tristan Conor and my girl Alexandra or Emma. I haven't thought of a middle name yet. I want to at least be married by my mid to late twenties. But at the rate things are going, I feel like I won't meet any boys.
/END EDIT
- College: S'alright. I'm basically not enjoying classes that much anymore. English is better because Sharon actually knows who I am now. Speech is suprisingly one of my favorite classes. Philosophy...not fun.
- Men: I don't want a relationship. But, I suppose it would be nice to at least meet ONE cute boy on campus. And for one particular boy to stop being a dick.
- Family: I miss them. I got used to seeing them all from my aunt's funeral and from Janie's wedding. I want to get all their e-mails to keep in touch because I realize that after all this time, I never really got to know them. 18 years is a terribly long time to not visit more often or spend more time with them.
- Being an adult: I drive myself on Route 80 every morning. I get off at 202, hop on 10, and end up in Madison. 9.5 times out of 10 I'm stuck in traffic. I yell, I bitch, I wave my arms frantically above my head in frustration. Then it comes to me in a sudden moment of realization...I'm a fucking adult. And it's REALLY weird.
- Friends: I miss all of my old friends. I've grown up with them for more years than I care to remember and every now and again it dawns on me that we're all separated; some completely, some not so much. As for the recent ones I've made, I'm pretty excited about it. But I still feel as though I'm not meeting anyone new. As outgoing as I am I'm still apprehensive about talking to people I don't know, mainly out of fear of being "rejected."
- In General: I've been stressing so much about stupid things. There's one prominently in my mind right now, but I think it's a completely irrational fear. But the threat is still there, in some minor, indistinct way. But still...the fact that it's there at all is enough to make me frightened beyond belief. I have my moments of being completely consumed with fear and the next I'm serene and still, able to think clearly. I just wish I didn't have to be so irrational all the time. And I really wish I had all the answers to everything.
But alas...I will never have half the answers I search for.
EDIT:
I'm almost 19. 2 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days until that wonderful day finally arrives. I thought today about how it'll be last my last year as a teenager. But with that comes thoughts of my future. I can't wait to find the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow as a person with them, share everything with them, and absolutely cannot imagine what it'll be like to have them propose to me, let alone standing in front of a priest sharing marriage vows. Then we can live in our own place (for as much as I want to say house, it could be something else) and eventually have children. I want kids so badly. When I go to school in the morning I see all the parents taking their children to the nursery school and I can't help but smile because I want to do that one day. I want to hold my childrens' hands and dress them nicely in the morning, pack them a little lunch to eat, and wave to them and tell them to have a good day and that I'll be back to pick them up. I want to name my boy Tristan Conor and my girl Alexandra or Emma. I haven't thought of a middle name yet. I want to at least be married by my mid to late twenties. But at the rate things are going, I feel like I won't meet any boys.
/END EDIT