Day and Night
In 10 months I will be a completely different person. I am facing this reality every day that has passed since the beginning of August.
I wake up, stretch, and expect his warm body to be next to mine. Where he used to sleep is empty, cold, and as unwelcoming as his eyes when he smiles at me.
This reality isn't doing me wonders. It's like being in a constant state of ice-water-being-thrown-on-you and falling-awake-from-a-dream. Nothing tastes the same. Nothing looks the same. Nothing feels the same. Where I used to have all of these protocals for day to day living, now there is just this vast cavern of empty.
It's rebirth. It's new. It's cold. It's too bright here, down on the ground. In a field once filled by the canopy of each memory tree we planted together. Dropping a picture, watching Clue, opening up boxes the first time we moved. Playing games together. Seeing the ocean meet the shores on Kuwaii. Holding your hand as I watched the first Sunset and Sunrise of my life. My heart racing as we were intimate the first time. The embarassment and mortification at our mutual failures. The pictures we took together. The Otakons we where we did whatever. Drunken nights of passion followed by mornings of regret but happiness. The scent of the bathroom after the first shower we shared. These are just a handful of the memories that we used to share. Each one a tree in the relationship area of my brain; making a shade for me to rest in when I was having a bad day. Or when you were particularly cruel.
It was never one thing about you that I held dear. It was you, as a whole, your bullshit, your heartache, your suffering, your soul. I loved you with everything that was in me to give.
I wish I could say I will never forget you; the truth is I am sure with time and direction and focus... I will. And when that happens...and you remember why you loved me... it'll be too late. I will always love you. But from this day forth that love is less than what you would have otherwise; but more than you probably deserve.
I don't want to live without you. But I still want to survive. Thank you for every good you've ever done me; I'll be sorry (when the time comes) to say goodbye.
I wake up, stretch, and expect his warm body to be next to mine. Where he used to sleep is empty, cold, and as unwelcoming as his eyes when he smiles at me.
This reality isn't doing me wonders. It's like being in a constant state of ice-water-being-thrown-on-you and falling-awake-from-a-dream. Nothing tastes the same. Nothing looks the same. Nothing feels the same. Where I used to have all of these protocals for day to day living, now there is just this vast cavern of empty.
It's rebirth. It's new. It's cold. It's too bright here, down on the ground. In a field once filled by the canopy of each memory tree we planted together. Dropping a picture, watching Clue, opening up boxes the first time we moved. Playing games together. Seeing the ocean meet the shores on Kuwaii. Holding your hand as I watched the first Sunset and Sunrise of my life. My heart racing as we were intimate the first time. The embarassment and mortification at our mutual failures. The pictures we took together. The Otakons we where we did whatever. Drunken nights of passion followed by mornings of regret but happiness. The scent of the bathroom after the first shower we shared. These are just a handful of the memories that we used to share. Each one a tree in the relationship area of my brain; making a shade for me to rest in when I was having a bad day. Or when you were particularly cruel.
It was never one thing about you that I held dear. It was you, as a whole, your bullshit, your heartache, your suffering, your soul. I loved you with everything that was in me to give.
I wish I could say I will never forget you; the truth is I am sure with time and direction and focus... I will. And when that happens...and you remember why you loved me... it'll be too late. I will always love you. But from this day forth that love is less than what you would have otherwise; but more than you probably deserve.
I don't want to live without you. But I still want to survive. Thank you for every good you've ever done me; I'll be sorry (when the time comes) to say goodbye.