Hello There.
I was born on April 4th, 1984. My life has been a life filled with trouble and mishappenings. I know now that it wasn't my fault. I KNEW it before but couldn't express it and so when my words failed me, I failed me. It was only through education that I was able to realize exactly what happened to me. Tireless search efforts, night after night and day after day, using the internet.
An online support group, Pandys.org "Pandora's Aquarium" is what has saved me. Through their gentle guidance as I went from bad to worse... from fire to water... back to fire again... in an endless cycle is what has saved me. Every moment of my life has been filled with heartache until I met my current boyfriend.
Without him in my life I wouldn't be here right now. He made me see myself in a separate life. A brighter light; he listens to me. He understands me better than I understood myself for a while.
You see, when I was 9, my mother's boyfriend Richard molested me. There has been a cycle of abuse circling me since then. But even before then I was accosted constantly and barraged with varying degrees of "NO!" "YOU ARE WORTHLESS" "JUST SHUT UP ALREADY" "YOU ARE CRAZY"
I have been crazy. I have been sane. I have been insane. Right now I feel straight. My brain feels better than it has in years. And I owe that to Baltimore Washington Medical Center and their team. Without their help fixing things in my head that were broken, I would not be here right now.
That is why I am thankful for my life. Without it I would have never come to the conclusions that I have come to. Life is good, in general, but is pitted with holes of blackness. I believe it is my ability, my power, and my will that have made me land on my feet through every trial and tribulation I have been through and will continue to go through.
I am resilient, assertive, and over the top sometimes. But I accept my personality for what it is. Just a personality. You can love me or hate me but either way I am who I am. And I will accept you for who you are, regardless of your particular interests, beliefs, or misfortunes.
Nothing is ugly. Something is beautiful. My life is what I made it. I made it something because I couldn't lay down and be nothing. Medication is making me lay down and be nothing. It is starving me of all I feel I want. But without the medication, I wouldn't be able to deal with my needs. My needs are sleep. That's it. I love eating. I love drinking.
My love/hate relationship has been with sleep, my entire life. Either I sleep too much or I sleep too little. Or I sleep in spurts. It's never been on an even level. I'm working towards that even level right now. When I find it I will be stronger. I love the night and I hate the day. Mayhaps I can love my 2nd shift nature and work around it.
Who knows, I certainly do not. I do know that I am not a morning person; so don't wake me in the morning or I'll start snapping off in my head.
I love you. Keep reading these as I write them. I'll keep writing if you keep reading. How does that sound?