After Abuse: On Rebuilding the Ability to Trust
I wrote most of this up for a student of mine who has grown so much in the last few years, but still has those days where it seems like nothing ever goes anywhere, and it's just not worth it. I learned whatever of this is true both from my own personal experience and from discussing such topics with other friends who have their own histories. Two friends in particular contributed to my understanding a great deal, but I'll not name them here out of respect for the sensitivity of this topic.
I hope this is of use to others:
Personally, my own abuse issues around school, coupled with my family being good and supportive left me at stage 2 for most of gradeschool - blessedly I never hit any lower, because I actually DID have the support I needed from people closer to me. I hit 3 at the end of highschool, and then wanted out of school thinking that's as far as I would ever get, and therefore I should just not be involved. Stage 4 came after a lot of very hard work when I returned to college. I actually found some aspects of 6 before 5 because I finally realized that my personal friends, family, and lovers really DID want me to succeed for my own sake, not just because it made me less of a burden on them, or reflected better on their reputations. And then for me step 5 was actually the hardest to accept, because I knew personal relationships were worth trusting, but only realized it's possible to have a trustworthy organization after I got to my current school and saw that it was an environment that fostered the students in success because they believe it's the right thing to do, and care about their work.
Maybe I should call 5 and 6 '5A' and '5B' because it's possible to do either one first, but you're not really all you could be until you're past both?
It should be noted that these are all stages because they are each of them places people may spend years, if not their whole life - they're "stable" stopping points in the sense that believable, survivable lifestyles and personal philosophies can be formed from that layer of assumption, and at each stage it really does look like this IS reality, period. I know a person who is still struggling to reach Stage 3, having spent many years living in Stage 2. I spent a good decade in 3 myself, and still have to talk myself into Stage 4 thinking when I panic, much less 6 - but I can usually hold onto 5, because my issues are pretty much localized to school, rather than my whole life. The nice thing is that it seems like once you've been up to the higher stages, and felt that reality, it's possible to doubt the realities of the earlier stages even when you've backslid into them pretty hardcore. It may not be clear HOW to get back out, but it's much more clear that there's an OUT to get to, and that alone is a tremendous advantage.
--Ember--
I hope this is of use to others:
- Stage 0: Active and/or internalized abuse teaches me to hate myself, that I am not worthy of love, and therefore I will never succeed.
- Stage 1: History of abuse teaches me that people, systems, etc. care about me personally in a negative sense. I know I am their scapegoat, that they are abusers, and they're out to screw me over.
- Stage 2: Accept that I have the power to make choices that help me endure being screwed over, but I am still a victim.
- Stage 3: Accept that being screwed over is not actually inevitable - it's possible to avoid it entirely. It may even be possible to succeed. But nobody is likely to help me unless they have to. I am responsible for surviving on my own, and damnit I will!
- Stage 4: Realize that actually, the systems are Neutral like any other tool. The point is to learn how to USE them to get what you need. If I don't know how to use them, I'm likely to get screwed, but it's nothing personal - anybody would be.
- Stage 5: Find situations that are actually somewhat positive, because the people involved care about their work - it's still not personal, but it IS positive. In such an environment, success is definitely possible.
- Stage 6: Find communities and situations that actively care about me personally, and in positive ways. Success is not necessarily inevitable, but happiness is much, much easier.
Personally, my own abuse issues around school, coupled with my family being good and supportive left me at stage 2 for most of gradeschool - blessedly I never hit any lower, because I actually DID have the support I needed from people closer to me. I hit 3 at the end of highschool, and then wanted out of school thinking that's as far as I would ever get, and therefore I should just not be involved. Stage 4 came after a lot of very hard work when I returned to college. I actually found some aspects of 6 before 5 because I finally realized that my personal friends, family, and lovers really DID want me to succeed for my own sake, not just because it made me less of a burden on them, or reflected better on their reputations. And then for me step 5 was actually the hardest to accept, because I knew personal relationships were worth trusting, but only realized it's possible to have a trustworthy organization after I got to my current school and saw that it was an environment that fostered the students in success because they believe it's the right thing to do, and care about their work.
Maybe I should call 5 and 6 '5A' and '5B' because it's possible to do either one first, but you're not really all you could be until you're past both?
It should be noted that these are all stages because they are each of them places people may spend years, if not their whole life - they're "stable" stopping points in the sense that believable, survivable lifestyles and personal philosophies can be formed from that layer of assumption, and at each stage it really does look like this IS reality, period. I know a person who is still struggling to reach Stage 3, having spent many years living in Stage 2. I spent a good decade in 3 myself, and still have to talk myself into Stage 4 thinking when I panic, much less 6 - but I can usually hold onto 5, because my issues are pretty much localized to school, rather than my whole life. The nice thing is that it seems like once you've been up to the higher stages, and felt that reality, it's possible to doubt the realities of the earlier stages even when you've backslid into them pretty hardcore. It may not be clear HOW to get back out, but it's much more clear that there's an OUT to get to, and that alone is a tremendous advantage.
--Ember--