Muddled dreams again
Not that others are likely to care, and I don't feel up to trying to remember full sequences right now, but...
Car Trouble and Bridge dreams again. This was a new one, though, in that it wasn't the inability to put my feet on the pedals, but rather the stick for turning on the headlights had come out somehow, and I couldn't figure out where to plug it back in. So I didn't have control over seeing where I was going while I drove, and then once again I was at or near a bridge, and trying to figure out which side of it I was on, and not having a choice whether to cross it and generally feeling very uncomfortable with it all.
Oh, and my brain has definitely equated my spending weekends in the East Bay with nithogg with my spending weekends at my Dad's house as a kid. I suspect the deciding factor there is that I've started visiting my sister divasm on my way to connect with Nithogg. My dream this morning was of my sister coming to get me from the house I grew up in (which is usually my own house in my dreams, but sometimes it's still Mom's [karyyl], as it is IRL). My sister and I were supposed to go to Dad's house, but which was located, in the dream, where House K really is. And I spent large chunks of several dreams very upset because I had gotten lost halfway in between my two homes, and didn't know whether I was coming or going.
I think this is all just descriptive of how my life feels in general, honestly. I'm so used to going back and forth between homes it feels weird to stay too long in one or the other, but sometimes I don't want to be in the one I'm in, and sometimes I don't want to be in either, and often I wish I could have both at once somehow. Driving with something not working is usually about my feeling not-in-control of my life somehow. Usually it's the breaks not working, or not being able to put my feet on the pedals, and I know that's basically about feeling like I need more time than I have. In this case, though - no headlights while driving in the dark? I guess I feel like I don't really know where I'm going, but am nevertheless obliged to keep going. Yeah, that's about right.
I still don't know what exactly Bridges mean, though.
Then there was a whole thing about me and a bunch of people getting taken downtown to jail because somebody who was harassing a friend of mine filed a counter-suit accusing six of us of harassing him (either as his defense, or just to poke at us, I'm not sure). They analyzed the situation and concluded that 5 of us weren't harassing. Three of us were just defending ourselves, two of us weren't actually involved at all, but the sixth guy really was harassing, only he had severe Asperger's and didn't honestly know where the lines were, and didn't mean anything by it. So they took him in, but with intent to retrain him rather than imprison him. As they were taking him away, he turned to me and said with pain and confusion and a sense of betrayal, "You lied to me!" and I remembered that I had tried to teach him appropriate boundaries, and failed. I held his hands for a moment, both scared of him and very sorry for my failure, and explained that no, I hadn't lied to him. I was wrong. I was trying to help, but my judgment wasn't good enough, and I'm very, very sorry.
I think this is me processing several things at once which are only associated by reference. It basically amounts to a frequent fear I have that my judgment isn't good enough in several areas, and no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'm going to fuck something up, and I'll never be forgiven for it. It's inevitable not because I suck, but because neither I nor the world are perfect, and yet people insist on putting me or other leaders on a pedestal and holding us to unreasonable standards that they couldn't possibly uphold themselves. They say "then they shouldn't lead", but nobody is perfect enough to lead by that standard, and leading isn't just a privilege, it's a duty and an obligation that somebody has to step up and make work.
There are other elements to process, I'm sure, but that's what seems the most important for the moment.
Oh! And I had dreams the other night that sixtail was my foster mother or something. That was weird when I woke up, but in the dream it was really warm and comfortable. Only she wasn't acting quite like Sixtail actually does, so it may not have been Sixtail, so much as some power or other using the image of Sixtail to communicate something. I should probably do a divination on that... Regardless, I find I now miss Sixtail terribly, not having seen her in a while....
Why does my brain do this? The pattern has elements in common with a pattern of nevynn in my dreams (which I didn't document, I don't think) that I have to stop and wonder who is trying to talk to me, and what about.... Sixtail, Nevynn... hmmm...
--Ember--
Car Trouble and Bridge dreams again. This was a new one, though, in that it wasn't the inability to put my feet on the pedals, but rather the stick for turning on the headlights had come out somehow, and I couldn't figure out where to plug it back in. So I didn't have control over seeing where I was going while I drove, and then once again I was at or near a bridge, and trying to figure out which side of it I was on, and not having a choice whether to cross it and generally feeling very uncomfortable with it all.
Oh, and my brain has definitely equated my spending weekends in the East Bay with nithogg with my spending weekends at my Dad's house as a kid. I suspect the deciding factor there is that I've started visiting my sister divasm on my way to connect with Nithogg. My dream this morning was of my sister coming to get me from the house I grew up in (which is usually my own house in my dreams, but sometimes it's still Mom's [karyyl], as it is IRL). My sister and I were supposed to go to Dad's house, but which was located, in the dream, where House K really is. And I spent large chunks of several dreams very upset because I had gotten lost halfway in between my two homes, and didn't know whether I was coming or going.
I think this is all just descriptive of how my life feels in general, honestly. I'm so used to going back and forth between homes it feels weird to stay too long in one or the other, but sometimes I don't want to be in the one I'm in, and sometimes I don't want to be in either, and often I wish I could have both at once somehow. Driving with something not working is usually about my feeling not-in-control of my life somehow. Usually it's the breaks not working, or not being able to put my feet on the pedals, and I know that's basically about feeling like I need more time than I have. In this case, though - no headlights while driving in the dark? I guess I feel like I don't really know where I'm going, but am nevertheless obliged to keep going. Yeah, that's about right.
I still don't know what exactly Bridges mean, though.
Then there was a whole thing about me and a bunch of people getting taken downtown to jail because somebody who was harassing a friend of mine filed a counter-suit accusing six of us of harassing him (either as his defense, or just to poke at us, I'm not sure). They analyzed the situation and concluded that 5 of us weren't harassing. Three of us were just defending ourselves, two of us weren't actually involved at all, but the sixth guy really was harassing, only he had severe Asperger's and didn't honestly know where the lines were, and didn't mean anything by it. So they took him in, but with intent to retrain him rather than imprison him. As they were taking him away, he turned to me and said with pain and confusion and a sense of betrayal, "You lied to me!" and I remembered that I had tried to teach him appropriate boundaries, and failed. I held his hands for a moment, both scared of him and very sorry for my failure, and explained that no, I hadn't lied to him. I was wrong. I was trying to help, but my judgment wasn't good enough, and I'm very, very sorry.
I think this is me processing several things at once which are only associated by reference. It basically amounts to a frequent fear I have that my judgment isn't good enough in several areas, and no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'm going to fuck something up, and I'll never be forgiven for it. It's inevitable not because I suck, but because neither I nor the world are perfect, and yet people insist on putting me or other leaders on a pedestal and holding us to unreasonable standards that they couldn't possibly uphold themselves. They say "then they shouldn't lead", but nobody is perfect enough to lead by that standard, and leading isn't just a privilege, it's a duty and an obligation that somebody has to step up and make work.
There are other elements to process, I'm sure, but that's what seems the most important for the moment.
Oh! And I had dreams the other night that sixtail was my foster mother or something. That was weird when I woke up, but in the dream it was really warm and comfortable. Only she wasn't acting quite like Sixtail actually does, so it may not have been Sixtail, so much as some power or other using the image of Sixtail to communicate something. I should probably do a divination on that... Regardless, I find I now miss Sixtail terribly, not having seen her in a while....
Why does my brain do this? The pattern has elements in common with a pattern of nevynn in my dreams (which I didn't document, I don't think) that I have to stop and wonder who is trying to talk to me, and what about.... Sixtail, Nevynn... hmmm...
--Ember--