Thoughts on Grief
It's sort of a relief to have what's stressing me out right now not be a sensitive subject for anyone who might read my rants - I don't have to censor myself in any way, for fear of causing more harm to some other than I heal in myself.
But at the same time, I find that I'm not comfortable being the only one grieving the loss of Rascal. I don't feel safe letting myself fall apart without somebody there to put me back together, or keep me from losing track of myself, but I don't feel comfortable grieving at somebody. I want to grieve with somebody, and that requires that there be somebody else who is anywhere near as hurt that she's gone as I am.
To be perfectly honest, this is much harder than grieving for my Uncle was, not just because I was used to seeing Rascal regularly, but because I'm essentially alone in my grief. Plenty of people around me miss my Uncle Tom more than I do, but nobody misses Rascal this much, nobody is going to cry for her like this except me. Plenty of people near me empathise with me enough that they'll cry for me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
And so I find I just have no idea what to do with myself right now. I don't know how to fix this. I know, from psychology or whatever, that I should set aside the time to grieve properly, and then do my best to move on, but I don't know how.
Going back to my Mom's house hurt more than I expected. Pulling up to the house hurt enough to make me cry. Every time I would walk back up the hallway towards the livingroom, I would fight to avoid bursting into tears, because I realized how fully I expected to see her on the couch. It's just a part of my mental image of that room.
So I made a necklace for her, to match her fur and eyes, and I wore it today, and I guess it helps a little. Other than that, I'm focused on just dealing with everything else for now, until I can talk to Farmount about what to do with Rascal's remains. Whatever it is I end up doing there will, I suppose, be my cue to let it out. And I think I would like to ask permission to have Bast added to the lineup for the next Bembe, so I can honor Rascal in a spiritual way.
On a meta level, when I finally figured this out today, I felt like my Papa was there all of the sudden, and sympathetic. I felt like I realized a mystery of Death that I'm supposed to know. I'm a tiny bit proud of myself for that, but goodness knows it isn't really outweighing the rest of my stressors.
--Ember--
But at the same time, I find that I'm not comfortable being the only one grieving the loss of Rascal. I don't feel safe letting myself fall apart without somebody there to put me back together, or keep me from losing track of myself, but I don't feel comfortable grieving at somebody. I want to grieve with somebody, and that requires that there be somebody else who is anywhere near as hurt that she's gone as I am.
To be perfectly honest, this is much harder than grieving for my Uncle was, not just because I was used to seeing Rascal regularly, but because I'm essentially alone in my grief. Plenty of people around me miss my Uncle Tom more than I do, but nobody misses Rascal this much, nobody is going to cry for her like this except me. Plenty of people near me empathise with me enough that they'll cry for me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
And so I find I just have no idea what to do with myself right now. I don't know how to fix this. I know, from psychology or whatever, that I should set aside the time to grieve properly, and then do my best to move on, but I don't know how.
Going back to my Mom's house hurt more than I expected. Pulling up to the house hurt enough to make me cry. Every time I would walk back up the hallway towards the livingroom, I would fight to avoid bursting into tears, because I realized how fully I expected to see her on the couch. It's just a part of my mental image of that room.
So I made a necklace for her, to match her fur and eyes, and I wore it today, and I guess it helps a little. Other than that, I'm focused on just dealing with everything else for now, until I can talk to Farmount about what to do with Rascal's remains. Whatever it is I end up doing there will, I suppose, be my cue to let it out. And I think I would like to ask permission to have Bast added to the lineup for the next Bembe, so I can honor Rascal in a spiritual way.
On a meta level, when I finally figured this out today, I felt like my Papa was there all of the sudden, and sympathetic. I felt like I realized a mystery of Death that I'm supposed to know. I'm a tiny bit proud of myself for that, but goodness knows it isn't really outweighing the rest of my stressors.
--Ember--