[Hawaii Five-0] Steve/Danny - Kauoha (part 2)
Title: Kauoha (“to order or command”) (part 2 of 4)
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Word Count: 30,000
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Hawaii Five-0/Ella Enchanted fusion. Danny is cursed with obedience. He must obey any order given to him.
Warnings: Due to the particulars of Danny's curse, certain situations he is placed in are dub-con or non-con in nature. This does not pertain to any experiences/situations/scenes of a sexual nature - any sex in the story is consensual.
Spoilers: Story goes AU after episode 1x22. Episode-specific spoilers throughout season 1, episode-heavy spoilers for 1x08, 1x16, and 1x18
Notes: This story ATE MY LIFE. Huge thanks to my beta, sirona_gs, for being brutally honest and telling me what needed work. This story wouldn’t be what it is without her help. Also, thank you to annundriel and popkin16 for being hugely supportive during the entire writing process, and being willing to bounce ideas with me at odd times of the day. And to everyone else on my twitter who contributed something at any point, thank you! *smishes*
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 at my journal | AO3 | Soundtrack
--
This wouldn’t do. Being attracted to Steve was bad enough, but wanting to carry out his orders? Danny knew it was fucked up, but it didn’t change the small frisson of pleasure he felt whenever Steve told him to do something. It wouldn’t do, though, he had to distance himself.
His decision was only reinforced when they found Chin with a bomb strapped to his neck.
“Okay, would you relax? You’re getting me wrong, okay, Superman? Bring it down, just a notch. All right, our boy is in trouble, we do what we gotta do, I understand that, I’m just trying to measure the level of insanity we are dealing with.”
“High, high, very high.” Steve was frantic, all manic energy.
“Clearly, clearly.”
Danny was just as worried as Steve was about Chin, he was just better at keeping things compartmentalized. His mind kept going back to one thing, however. That could be him. If Hesse had caught him on his own instead of Chin, it could be him strapped to that bomb. If Hesse or someone else discovered his secret, a bomb would be the least of his troubles. They could order him to take someone’s life. They could order him to take his own life.
It wasn’t that Danny didn’t trust Steve with his secret. The more he thought about it, the more it was becoming a moot point. Steve would never betray Danny’s trust, if he knew. The problem came in where Danny’s attraction was concerned. If he started something with Steve, assuming Steve even felt the same way-that was something that could be taken advantage of by an outside individual, if Danny’s secret was ever exposed.
Danny couldn’t risk it. He knew Steve would never betray him, but he couldn’t bear the thought of being forced, against his own will, into betraying Steve.
When the bomb finally deactivated, Danny was there to help Chin up from the ground. It was a small gesture, the least he could do compared to what Steve and Kono had risked, but he could tell Chin appreciated it.
--
Danny put his feelings behind him. There were other things to be worrying about, thinking about, and his own desires took a backseat to all of that. When Rachel’s car got carjacked, with Grace and Rachel inside, exposing Stan jumped to the forefront of Danny’s concerns.
“You need anything, you call, all right? Anything,” Steve had said.
Danny had just finished seeing Grace and Rachel off at a hotel, and he was on his way to the airport. What he needed was a way to prove Stan had been involved in dirty dealings. He needed to strike a little Williams family fear into the guy. He needed…he needed to talk to Steve, before he took this too far. There was a dull pressure in his head, the curse reminding him of Steve’s words. Danny reached for his phone.
After five rings, Steve picked up. “Danny?” His voice sounded hushed, and there was an odd strain to it. “Are Grace and Rachel okay?”
“Yeah, they are safe, but I am sick, I’m in the middle of a panic attack, okay. This little incident just shaved five years off my life...What’s up with the witness, you find her yet?” The last bit was an afterthought. Danny admitted to himself he hadn’t really been thinking much about what his team had been up to, and he berated himself for the oversight.
“Yeah, but don’t worry about that, okay?” Steve’s voice still sounded strained as he said it, “You stay with your family, don’t come out here.”
Danny frowned. Three commands, the second one being the most problematic at the moment. They hadn’t been issued with Steve’s usual emphatic weight, however, and the fact that he’d been given multiple orders at once meant the second would be easier to ignore.
“Okay, I’m not,” Danny said, “I’m actually on my way to the airport.”
“What are you talking about, airport? Why, you going someplace?” Steve asked, too quickly.
“Well Stan-Stan comes home and, uh, I’m going to offer him a lift home,” Danny said vaguely.
“Buddy-” Steve’s breathing was labored on the other end of the line, “Buddy, Danny, what are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything,” Danny said. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, baiting his words in such a way that he knew Steve would feel compelled to respond.
“Listen, okay?” Danny could feel himself responding to the order, and he pressed the phone receiver closer to his ear. Steve continued, “I may not be able to see you, okay, but I can hear you, and you have a tone.”
“Tone, I don’t have a tone.”
“Okay, you say I have a face? You, my friend, you have a tone, okay, and it’s a tone that says ‘I’m gonna hit somebody’. Now, what’s going on?”
“Okay, I think that Stan-In fact, I know that Stan has something to do with what happened to Rachel and Grace,” Danny said. He knew he was taking a risk in telling Steve this much. Steve could tell him to go back home, abandon his current pursuit. With the mood Danny was in, he wasn’t so sure that would be a bad thing.
“Okay, is that based on anything other than the fact that you hate the man?”
“Yes, it is, okay? They stole his car. They got his car, not hers, okay? They returned it in an hour, and they didn’t take anything! They house was broken into, ransacked, and just like the car, they took nothing, okay, does that sound normal to you? My daughter-my daughter sleeps in that house, okay, and if Stan has anything to do with it, I am going to encourage him to tell me what he knows.”
“Okay, listen to me, all right?” Steve said, and even though his voice was hushed, it was forceful. “I get that you’re pissed, all right, I can hear that, but whatever you do, do not touch him, okay? Do not touch him.”
Steve’s words carried weight, and Danny could sense the curse responding. Not for the first time, he wondered how much Steve knew, or guessed.
“Yeah, I understand that, but you gotta understand that I am a father, all right, this is my daughter we’re talking about.”
“Yeah, you’re also a cop with a gun, okay? And when those worlds cross it gets messy. Danny?”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who crossed them. Just-just don’t worry about me, please. I will handle it. Just get your witness to court.”
Danny hung up, before Steve could tell him to stop, go back to Rachel and Grace, not do anything stupid. He waited to hear his phone ring, Steve calling back to tell him just that, but no call came. Whatever Steve was involved in at the moment, it had him too occupied. It must be big, because under normal circumstances, were their roles reversed, Danny would be calling himself back. He was aware of how he sounded, like he was going to take some dangerous risk. The thought had crossed Danny’s mind.
Do not touch him.
Danny could work with that.
In a way, Danny was relieved. Not that Steve’s order gave him some leeway, but that Steve had issued the order in the first place. It was almost reassuring, knowing he had that to keep him from going too far. Danny wondered if that was the reason he had called Steve in the first place. Well, certainly, what Steve had said earlier today was part of the reason for that. You need anything, you call. What if what he really needed had been someone to talk him down? It explained why he had been so forthcoming in his information about the situation, knowing Steve read him too well.
Danny drove to the airport. Stan was there, about to get into the car he’d arranged to pick him up.
“Hey.”
Stan looked up, surprised. “Danny?”
“Yeah, I gotta talk to you,” Danny said. At Stan’s hesitation, he continued with, “I’m not asking, come on. Come on.”
Stan followed Danny to the Camaro and got in without argument. That always was their main difference. Stan wasn’t confrontational, he never argued. He always acquiesced, which, Danny supposed, was a good trait in a businessman, but it irritated the hell out of him.
“You know, Stan, when I had a daughter I knew there were certain things I was going to have to deal with. Texting. An obscene clothing budget,” Danny said, counting them off on his fingers as he drove. “A stroke-inducing cell phone bill regardless of the plan that I chose. But I’ll tell you, there is one thing that did not make the list.”
Danny paused, checked to see that Stan was still with him. “Carjacking. Carjacking did not make the list of things that I thought that I would encounter with my eight-year-old daughter, so I am going to ask you one time, what kind of trouble are you in?”
Stan had the gall to look ignorant. “This has nothing to do with me, Danny. I’m as shocked as you are.”
“Shut up. Shut up, okay? I want you to know something, normally I would just pull over and give you the worst beating you’ve ever had in your entire life until you told me the truth.”
And normally, Danny would, if not for the order given to him by Steve. Do not touch him. “But I am working,” Danny continued, “I am working on my anger management issues and I am learning conflict resolution, you understand? And I recognize something. I recognize although you are trying to hide it, you are very scared right now, as you should be, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and I am gonna remind you that because of you, people put guns near my daughter.”
Danny was proud of himself, his words were just as effective as any threatening gestures could be, and he didn’t feel that dull pounding in his head when he was straying too close to disobeying an order. It helped, also, that Stan looked properly cowed, now, as he spilled the details about the deal he’d tried to broker, the threats, the taped conversation. Danny couldn’t help the small, vindictive part of him that was pleased his suspicions had been confirmed, and that Stan had been somehow involved in this mess. That small satisfaction was short-lived, however. Stan wasn’t Bad News, as Danny had been hoping. He was just a good (boring, dull) person in the wrong situation, and in over his head. And much as Danny would love to expose his flaws, he knew he wouldn’t-couldn’t-do that. He had to do what was best for Grace, which meant, much as it pained him to admit, doing what was best for Rachel, too.
It was immensely satisfying to corner the housing commissioner, slap his badge against the man’s forehead, and strike the fear of Danny Williams into him. It made Danny feel like he actually had some measure of control over his life. Less satisfying was, later, watching Stan hugging Rachel and holding Grace’s hand. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, after all he’d been through that day.
Danny felt keyed up as he drove back to his apartment. He was on edge, and not just from everything that had happened. He needed, he needed…
You need anything, you call.
Danny had his phone in his had before he’d even finished the thought, pressing the speed dial for Steve.
Steve picked up on the first ring. “Danny? Is everything all right? How did things go?” He sounded better than he did before, but there was worry in his tone.
“It’s good, fine,” Danny said, “Everything’s fine. Look, are you home right now? I, ah, was wondering if I could stop by.”
“Yeah,” Steve said after the briefest of pauses, and Danny wondered if he was imagining the way Steve sounded almost relieved. “Yeah, I’m here, come on over. I just got back from the courthouse a few minutes ago.”
“That go okay?” Danny asked.
“Yeah, it did. I’ll tell you about it when you get here.”
Danny pulled into the driveway fifteen minutes later. He walked through the front door-unlocked, he was really going to have to talk to Steve about that-and into the living room. The water was running upstairs. Danny suppressed the mental images that threatened to spring to mind, of Steve showering, the long lines of his body slick and wet. Danny went to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for himself while he waited for Steve to come down.
He didn’t have to wait long. Steve appeared five minutes later, rubbing a towel over his head. He was dressed in a cotton tee shirt and drawstring pants. Not thinking about it, not thinking about it, Danny told himself fervently. Steve also seemed to have some stubborn greasy streaks on his face that even a shower hadn’t been enough to erase.
“Look at you,” Danny said, “What happened? You look like you brought the jungle home with you.”
Steve gave a self-conscious rub at his face, to no avail. “I’m still not convinced I didn’t,” he said, “Anyway, what’s up? What happened with Stan?”
Danny laughed, and he was surprised by how wrecked it sounded. “Well, you’ll be pleased to know, I didn’t touch him,” he said.
Steve, in the middle of trying to wipe his face again with the towel, froze. “Danny, what did you do to him?”
“Nothing! Well, I confronted him-verbally!” Danny said quickly, at Steve’s disbelieving face. “And I was right, he was involved. But it wasn’t his doing, he just got himself too deep in some trouble. I sorted it out.”
“You did that for him?” Steve asked, still wary.
“I did it for Grace,” Danny said, remembering the terrified look on the housing commissioner’s face. And he would do it again, in a heartbeat.
Steve frowned. “And…everything’s okay now?”
“Yes. No…I don’t know,” Danny admitted. His free hand raked through his hair, messing it up.
“What’s the matter, Danny?” Steve asked, shifting closer.
“I just-It’s never enough, is it? I always feel like I’m only half in control of myself, if that. I’m fighting, but it’s never enough,” Danny said. He was treading into dangerous territory here. Any second now Steve was going to ask for clarification.
“Danny…” Steve began.
“And, this afternoon, that just hit it home,” Danny said, interrupting wherever Steve was planning on taking that sentence. “Watching Stan and Rachel and Grace go back into that house together. That’s something I can’t have. Not that-I mean…Rachel and I have been better lately, yeah, but it’s over, long over. And anyway, that’s not what I want. I want…”
And Danny couldn’t even articulate it, for reasons that had nothing to do with his curse and everything to do with his own inability to talk about his feelings. It was the same feeling that had him on edge earlier, the same need that compelled him to call Steve. Danny looked up and…wow, Steve had moved closer. His arms reached out to bracket Danny’s shoulders, steadying him. Danny had never felt more off-kilter.
“I know, Danny,” Steve said, and for a wild moment Danny thought Steve was referring to his curse. “I get it, me too.”
Danny’s eyes locked with Steve’s. He couldn’t mean he wanted-wanted this? Danny found himself unconsciously leaning into Steve’s touch.
“Danny, I-” Steve hesitated. Steve never hesitated about anything. “Can I kiss you?”
Danny was so shocked that for a moment he could only stare. People never asked him things, they always just took, or demanded from him without any regard for his feelings. Even Steve, whose offhand orders given on the case Danny had grown accustomed to, because they were usually given with good reason. And here Steve was, asking him…and Danny realized he had yet to give Steve an answer.
“Yeah,” Danny said, and it came out almost a croak. “Yeah, you’d better.”
Relief flickered across Steve’s face, a flash of a grin, and then he was leaning in. Danny tilted his head up to meet him. It was tentative at first, a soft tease of pressure as they felt each other out, a scrape of stubble across jaws. Steve pulled back slightly, as if to assess Danny’s reaction. His eyes were wide and probing, and Danny was struck for a moment by how long his lashes looked from this close, in stark contrast against skin. When Danny made a low noise of protest at the absence, Steve moved back in.
Danny had given a lot of thought to this. Well, not to this specifically, but he had definitely spent enough time thinking about kissing Steve, about doing other things with Steve. He never would have guessed it would be like this, as Steve’s lips moved against his in a warm slide. He’d expected more of a hungry crashing of lips-and there was definitely the potential for that still, a barely contained energy in Steve’s bearing-but right now it was a careful, thorough exploration that filled Danny with a strange warmth in his chest.
Danny angled his head, offering better access. Steve let out a shaky breath, and Danny felt a brief moment of smugness, that he was the reason for that. His lips quirked in a smile against Steve’s. Danny didn’t know who sped things up first, but then they were moving, pressing into each other’s space as they kissed like they’d been starving for it. And Danny couldn’t speak for Steve, but he knew he had.
Danny groaned, and Steve used the opportunity to gain access with his tongue, moving against Danny’s in a warmwet slide. Danny grappled at Steve, one hand clutching at his waist, the other at the nape of Steve’s neck, pulling him closer. Danny’s fingers threaded into Steve’s hair, and Steve’s answering groan was heady and empowering.
Steve clutched tighter at Danny’s biceps. He kissed with a single-minded sort of determination that left Danny breathless, everything in his mind narrowed down to the feel of Steve’s lips against his. And Danny had always liked kissing well enough, yeah, but not since his high school days had he ever felt so keyed up just from that. Even more amazing was the way Steve seemed to feel the same way, if the surprised sounds coming from his throat were anything to go by.
And, thing is, Danny had had some experience being someone’s everything. Enough to recognize the way Steve kissed him, like nothing else mattered. And that-that frightened him, because he couldn’t be someone’s everything, when there would always be a part of him that wasn’t his own. When, any moment of any day, someone could force him to turn on those he lo- cared about.
Danny pulled back like he’d been punched in the gut. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m- I’m sorry.”
“Danny, wha-…?” And Steve didn’t get it. His expression was dazed and half-lidded as he reached out, and Danny wanted nothing more than to go back to kissing him, to see where that kissing would inevitably lead. He couldn’t though…he couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” Danny repeated, stepping back and away from Steve as quickly as he was able. That got Steve’s attention.
“What’s the matter, Danny? Was it something-did I do something wrong?” There was worry in Steve’s voice, and he had his hands held up in a placating gesture, like a peace offering. It made Danny feel even worse.
“No, it’s not-” But Danny couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say it’s not you, it’s me. Because Danny couldn’t risk the questions that would follow, the possibility of Steve demanding an explanation. Because Steve deserved an explanation, but Danny knew he couldn’t give it.
“I just-I realized this was a mistake,” Danny said, though it was a physical ache in his chest to say it, because nothing had ever felt more right. He moved for the door.
“Wait.”
The uttered word was gravelly and soft, barely above a whisper. Danny froze in his tracks, held there by a single word. He turned his head slowly, looking back at Steve.
Anxiety and confusion lined Steve’s face. “Danny,” he began-pleaded-and his voice sounded wrecked and broken.
“Steve,” Danny interrupted. He couldn’t let Steve finish wherever he was going with that thought. This was hard enough as it was. The words caught in Danny’s throat as he continued, “Please…let me go.”
Something strange flickered in Steve’s eyes for a moment before it was gone. Danny wasn’t even sure if it was there to begin with. Steve’s shoulders sagged in a defeated slump. “You can leave,” he said, voice resigned.
Danny felt the hold of his curse loosen, and he could move again. Thing was, he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay, wanted to tell Steve everything. Wanted Steve to know the reasons why this couldn’t work. Wanted to stay, and find a way for it to work anyway.
Steve had turned away, and Danny could no longer see his face. Probably a defense mechanism, as Danny could read every emotion on Steve’s face even when he was trying to hide it, and Steve knew it, too. Danny wouldn’t forget the look Steve had just given him, hurt and concern and betrayal written there plainly for him to see.
Danny swallowed past the lump that had risen in his throat, and left the house.
--
It hurt, pretending that nothing had happened. But Steve very tacitly didn’t bring up That Night, and Danny didn’t either. They still argued, they still bickered with one another. Occasionally they would even get in one another’s personal space, but then they would seem to realize where they were, what they were doing, and would back off.
When Hurricane Matty blew into town, Danny looked forward to the distraction. Matt hadn’t changed much, still the good-natured ribbing, the easy humor Danny was used to. Even Steve let go of some of his tension from the last couple weeks, laughing over dinner with them. Danny found himself unconsciously reaching for Steve, needing his touch as an anchor.
And then the ball had dropped. The federal officers told Danny and Steve about Matt’s impending indictment.
“If you hear anything about his travel plans, I’d appreciate it if you give us a call, okay?”
Danny took the proffered card, but he already knew he wouldn’t make the call. He hadn’t been ordered to do so.
And then they were gone, and Steve was standing there with him. Because in spite of all they had been through, Steve stood with him. And even though the evidence seemed damning, Steve wanted to believe Danny that Matt couldn’t have done this, and that counted for something. What, Danny wasn’t sure yet.
“Talk to him, take all the time you need,” Steve said.
Danny nodded, his mind thrumming at the order. Of course, since Steve had given him the luxury of time, he didn’t feel compelled to talk to his brother right away.
--
For one brief, harrowing moment, Danny thought Steve would do it, would give up Matty’s location to the Feds. Not out of any sort of vindictiveness, obviously (though Danny was sure he deserved it) but because, for all of Steve’s bending of rules, he took upholding the law very seriously. But then Steve had locked eyes with Danny, and Danny couldn’t quite say what had passed between them there, but a moment later Steve was lying, lying, to the Feds.
“Thank you,” Danny said once they’d gone.
Steve only nodded, his expression one of utter incredulity at what he’d just done…and Danny would dwell on what that meant, on the fact that Steve had lied to federal officers for him, later. Now, he had Matt to worry about.
Danny drove at speeds that would have made Steve proud, racing to get there. He arrived just in time to see Matt about to board the plane.
“Matty! Matty…Matthew Williams, hey!”
Matt turned slowly, the briefcase in his hand. “You gonna shoot me, Danny?”
“I should shoot you, you stupid son of bitch! Huh, laundering money for drug dealers, what the hell is the matter with you?” Danny’s hand on his gun was shaking, he was so angry.
“I had no choice,” Matt said, and Danny wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, because seriously. Danny knew what it was like, living every day with the threat that his free will might be taken from him at any moment. Danny knew what it was like to not have a choice.
“You did have a choice, you had a choice, I gave you a choice! I said I was gonna help you. I said I was gonna get you through this, didn’t I?”
“It’s not that simple, Danny, this isn’t you beating up cousin Jimmy because he stole my bike.”
“Matt, listen to me, you are gonna turn yourself in. You are gonna turn yourself in!”
“And go to Federal prison? I’d never survive, Danny, I’m not strong enough. I’m not you!”
Danny didn’t want to think about what that meant, that Matt thought he was the strong one. If anything, his curse had made him stronger, but Danny didn’t feel like he was anything to aspire to. He continued reasoning with Matt, “What the hell is the matter with you? Huh, what’d you do? You went through with it? What is that, getaway money?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be a getaway, Danny, I was trying to-…I was trying to fix things.”
“Trying to fix things? So what’re you going to do? Huh? You’re just going to run away? You’re going to fly off and forget about us? Huh, is that your plan? Hey, I’m asking you a question! What about mom and dad, huh, what about Grace? We’re your family, Matty.”
Matt leveled a stare at Danny, filled with resolve and regret. “This ends one of two ways, big brother, you either shoot me, or you say goodbye.”
Danny’s breath hitched, and it felt like something had taken an icy-cold grip on the inside of his chest. Matt couldn’t mean…
“Shoot me or say goodbye, Danny,” Matt repeated, placing just the right emphasis on the words so that his curse couldn’t help but respond.
Danny felt sweat break out along his brow as he tried to resist the pull, tried to fight it.
“No,” Danny grated out, though it was a futile effort. His finger trembled towards the trigger with every moment he didn’t say it. Goodbye. He couldn’t, couldn’t…couldn’t not. “Please, Matty, don’t make me…”
“I’m not making you do anything, Danny,” Matt said, and his voice was pained, “Except choose.”
Danny choked back a sob that was threatening to escape. For a wild moment, he entertained the possibility of shooting Matt somewhere non-vital, like an arm or leg. Even as the thought occurred to him, however, he knew he wouldn’t risk it. His hand was trembling so much from resisting the command, there was too great a chance of his bullet going awry, hitting something like the femoral artery. And even if he succeeded in incapacitating Matt and nothing more, he would have to live with that, look his brother in the eye after having shot him.
The pressure in Danny’s head was mounting, becoming unbearable. There were tears in his eyes, and he blinked them back. With a mighty effort, he lowered his gun.
“Goodbye,” Danny whispered. It was a struggle to say it, like he was swallowing past hot coals and broken glass just to get the word out.
Matt nodded once, and turned to board the plane. And then he was gone. Gone. And Danny had lost him, Danny had let him go. And it-it had been Danny’s decision.
Danny needed to talk to someone. Someone who would understand what he was going through. He didn’t realize until five minutes after getting in the car that he was headed to Rachel’s.
Rachel sensed something was wrong the moment she saw him.
“Danny…what’s happened?”
“He’s gone…Matty’s gone. I lost him.” I let him go.
Rachel’s sympathy mirrored his own pain, and she embraced him. It wasn’t enough, though. It wasn’t what Danny needed.
After a moment, Rachel guided Danny inside. She directed him to the kitchen, where she gestured at one of the stools, and filled a kettle with water for the stove.
“All right,” she said, “Will you tell me what happened?”
Danny nodded. He told her everything, from confronting Matt, getting him to agree to go back to Jersey, up to finding out what the Feds had revealed. At some point, Rachel put a hot cup of tea in front of him.
“And then, once I’d caught up with him, he told me-” Here Danny hesitated, the memory still fresh and painful. He tried again, “He told me I had to either shoot him or say goodbye, He-he ordered it.”
Rachel let out a breath next to him. “Oh, Danny, I’m so sorry. You…you didn’t?”
Danny shook his head. “I couldn’t…couldn’t shoot him. I let him go. But Rach…he’s gone now. He’s gone, and on the run, and it’s all my fault.”
“Daniel Ethan Williams,” Rachel said, voice stern, “It most certainly is not your fault. It is no one’s fault but Matthew’s. He is the one who was engaging in illegal activity, he is the one who got indicted and didn’t own up to his mistakes, and he is the one who ran. He’s also the one who forced you into, quite frankly, an impossible and horrible situation, where no matter what choice you made you would still feel the guilt of it. It is not your fault.”
Rachel was quite adamant, and Danny knew she wouldn’t listen to his protestations on the matter. He felt the lump in his throat rising again, threatening to overwhelm him, and he took a gulp of tea to distract himself from it. It burned the back of this mouth and felt good.
They didn’t say anything for several minutes, though Rachel rested a hand on his shoulder. It was comforting, but it wasn’t enough. Neither of them talked about the last time Rachel had given him an order he didn’t want to carry out, though they were both thinking about it. Matty had been there for him then and now…now Rachel was here. Danny laughed, and it had an edge of hysteria. It wasn’t funny, it really wasn’t, but he couldn’t do anything else, given the situation.
Rachel stood suddenly, crossed the room, and grabbed the cordless phone from the cradle. She held it out, a severe expression on her face.
“What’s that for?” Danny asked.
“You,” Rachel said, “You should call your parents. I would, I’d love to give them a piece of my mind, but it’s not my place.”
“And you want me to instead?” Danny asked. They were his parents, he couldn’t…
“I think you need to talk to them, yes. And you ought to call them anyway. They need to know what’s happened to Matt, and you’re the best person to break that news to them. Would you rather they hear the news from the police?”
Danny shook his head. The phone rested in his palm. How would he tell them?
“Danny,” Rachel said, sighing, “I know this is difficult. And I’m not going to make you do anything. But I do think there are some things they need to hear from you, and some things they ought to hear from you. You can take as much time as you need.”
Danny was reminded suddenly of Steve’s, take all the time you need. It occurred to him then, he didn’t know what had happened to Steve after the Feds had left, and presumably their trail had gone cold. Danny pulled out his cell phone, and saw that there was a missed call there, from Steve. He needed to talk to Steve as well, but that would have to wait a bit. He shot off a quick text, lost Matty. talk to you about it later, before putting his cell phone away.
When Danny looked up, Rachel was moving across the kitchen. “Wait, where are you going?” Danny asked.
“I just thought I’d encourage you to call by giving you a little space,” she said, “It’s only 8 pm there. Prefect time for calling.”
Rachel went out into the living room, leaving Danny with the phone. Much as he hated to admit it, she was right. His parents needed to know about Matty, and it was better they heard it from him than from a stranger. But more than that, this talk with them had been a long time coming. He was upset-devastated-over Matty, but more than that, he was angry. Angry that he had been put in that position, angry that he had been forced to choose. And maybe the situation would have been the same regardless of his curse, but damn it, Danny ought to be able to make that decision himself. It might make dealing with the fallout that much easier.
His mind was made up. He dialed the number. After several rings it picked up, his mom’s familiar voice on the other end of the line. “Hello?”
“Mom? It’s Danny.”
“Danny! It’s been a while.” And Danny could tell his mom was about to launch into small talk of you should visit sometime and we miss you and how’s the weather there, and he wasn’t prepared to deflect all that.
“Yeah, ma, it has. But look, that’s…not why I called.”
There was a hesitation over the line. “Is everything all right?”
Danny’s chest felt tight as he said, “No. No, it isn’t.”
--
An hour later, Danny’s head felt like it was going to split open. He’d told both his parents. There had been some denials, some anger, some sobbing. Danny was just waiting for someone to place the blame on him. Why did you leave your brother alone? Why did you let him get away? Though Danny knew such accusations were undeserved, part of him wanted to hear them.
His mom had gotten off the line some time ago, to call and inform other family members of what had happened. Danny was left on the phone with his father.
“So…” his dad said. As far as ‘things we don’t want to talk about’ conversations went, this was an auspicious segue.
“So,” Danny said. There was a lot he still wanted to talk about, but thanks to several different orders he had to wait for his dad to bring it up first.
“There’s still something you aren’t telling us.” It was true. Danny had intentionally left off Matt’s command, partly to spare his mom dealing with that information, and because he knew his father would pick up on the omission. And this was a conversation they, the two of them, needed to have.
“Such as?”
“I can tell when you’re upset. It’s more than that-you’re angry. Now, you wanna tell me what really happened?”
It was like the last thirty years meant nothing, and Danny was a kid again. It was at once reassuringly familiar and infuriating. Danny was leaning more towards the latter.
“Matty broke your first rule, dad. I caught up with him, could have brought him in, but he told me-he said to either shoot him or let him go. He ordered it.”
There was a long, horrible silence over the phone, while Danny let that information sink in.
“I’m sorry, son.” His father sounded ashamed. Good. “I never…I didn’t think-”
“No, you didn’t,” Danny interrupted. “You thought that by giving me that order all those years ago, not to tell anyone about it, that you were protecting me. That somehow, I would be safe from being taken advantage of. Well, I’ve got news for you on that front, my own brother used my curse against me. Meanwhile, the people you wanted to protect me from, most of them have already guessed. My partner when I was still in Hoboken, Rachel, two of my team members here, they all know, and it doesn’t change a thing. And yeah, there have been slip-ups on occasion, but none of them would ever intentionally make me do something I didn’t want.”
“Other people might,” his father said, echoing an old argument.
“Yeah, I know that,” Danny said. He had to live with that possibility every day, “But you know what? I wouldn’t tell them. I would, however, like the freedom to tell whomever I choose about my curse. I would like to tell people I trust about it. You know I’m a good judge of character. That way I know someone has my back, if I ever am caught off-guard.”
“I was only trying to protect you, when I gave that order.”
“I know you were…but I’m a grown man, I can make my own decisions, I can make my own mistakes.” Except when I’m ordered not to, Danny thought but didn’t say. “Look, dad. If you care at all about my own free will, you’ll take the order back.”
Danny wondered if he had pushed his luck too far. There was silence over the line, and then, finally, his father said, “Okay…yes, I take it back.”
“You have to phrase it like an order, for it to work,” Danny pointed out. That was the only way he could be released from this particular command, or Rachel’s “tell me” would have worked all those years ago.
“Danny…tell people about your curse at your own discretion,” his father said, with finality.
Danny gave a sigh of something like relief. He could tell people, he could talk about it. He could tell Steve.
“Thank you,” Danny said, realizing belatedly that it was the first time his father had ever acknowledged it as a curse.
“I’m sorry, Danny,” his father said suddenly.
“About Matty?”
“About everything. I’m sorry about what you’ve had to go through. Your mother and I…we didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
Danny’s breath caught in his chest. His father couldn’t be talking about the circumstances surrounding the curse, could he? Danny had resigned himself years ago to the fact that he might never know, when his parents had ordered him to stop asking about it. Even now, that order prevented him from prompting further; he could only listen, and see how much his father divulged.
“This is going to sound completely impossible…”
More impossible than an obedience curse? Danny wondered.
“I don’t know if you realize this, but there are things in this world…beyond our comprehension. Old things. Well, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I never believed any of it. But your mom did. Did you know she was infertile? Doctors said she would never have kids…”
He trailed off, but Danny could put the rest together himself. He was the oldest of four, and also the only one under a curse.
“Let me guess,” Danny said. A guess, after all, wasn’t asking questions. “There was a deal of some sort. You reneged, and I was punished for it.”
“Something like that, yeah, but you have to know, Danny, we never wanted-we never meant for it to happen this way,” his father implored, his tone apologetic.
“I know,” Danny said. Just like he knew what his parents really wanted was forgiveness. Danny didn’t know if he could give it, not right now, at least. This was his entire life, after all. “Can I ask one thing?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ever be rid of it?” Danny asked, quelling the lump rising in his throat at the possibility of hope.
“I don’t know.” Danny could hear the pain in his father’s voice as he said it.
Danny had wondered for so long about it, he almost didn’t know what he had been expecting. But, in truth, the story behind his curse didn’t matter so much as the actuality of it. Regardless of how it had come about, he still had to live with it. At least now he had the option of divulging information about it.
With a sudden rush of clarity, Danny realized that what he wanted at that moment, more than anything, was to tell Steve. Certainly, there were ways he could have told Steve sooner, via Rachel or Chin or Kono as proxy, but there was something about knowing that Steve would be the first person he ever told about his curse. Danny liked that idea.
“Look…I’ve, uh, gotta go right now,” Danny said, “It’s getting really late here, and I just realized there’s something I need to do.”
“Yeah, okay, sure…Look, Danny, I’m-”
“I know, dad. I do. But don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“You can’t know that,” his dad pointed out.
“Can any of us know that? But really, I’m better than I’ve ever been. You should meet the people watching my back.” Danny felt a swell of pride just thinking about them. He trusted them, all of them.
“I feel a little better, knowing that,” his dad said, “We worry about you, your mother and I. Just, well…I won’t say ‘be careful,’ but you know what I mean.”
“Thank you,” Danny said, both for his father catching himself and for the intent behind the message. “I’ll call again when I’m able.”
Danny ended the call. His half-finished tea had grown cold. Rachel walked back in as he got up to rinse the cup.
“Don’t pretend you weren’t trying to follow the conversation,” he said mock-accusingly.
“My hearing isn’t quite that good, I just came in to see how you’re doing. Judging by your tone, I’d say better?”
“Getting there.”
When Danny didn’t offer any more information, Rachel surveyed him with a searching expression.
“Danny…” she began, “I’m aware I may be overstepping my bounds, saying this. Of course, you are always welcome to come here when you need someone to talk to. But…I have a feeling I’m not the person you want to be talking to.”
Danny could only nod. Once again, Rachel had gotten right to the heart of the matter.
“I know it isn’t my place, but if you want me to tell Steve for you…”
“Chin already offered,” Danny said.
“What’s stopping you from taking him up on that? I mean, I know you go on your rants about Steve all the time, but that’s how you express affection even under the best of circumstances. You trust him, don’t you?”
“With my life,” Danny said, a little surprised by his own earnestness. True, for all he railed against Steve’s methods, and would continue to do so, he knew Steve would see him through any situation. The man had lied to federal officers for him. “I don’t need anyone to tell Steve for me, though. I can do it myself.”
Rachel’s face was quizzical. “But, I thought you couldn’t.”
“I couldn’t tell anyone about my curse because my father, years ago, ordered me not to. I convinced him to take it back.”
“And now?”
“Now…I’m going to tell Steve,” Danny said. The knowledge that he was going to do this, really do it, filled him with a nervous sort of energy.
Rachel smiled. “I think that’s a good idea. I’m truly happy that your talk with your parents went well.”
“Yeah, now I just gotta hope that this next talk goes half as well,” Danny said, giving a weak smile. He hadn’t forgotten a couple weeks ago, how he had left that encounter between them, and in spite of their public behavior to the contrary, he knew Steve hadn’t either.
Danny made his way to the door. Though he knew Rachel would allow him to stay if he needed, he felt his welcome overstayed. “Thanks, Rachel, for everything,” he said, “You know, it’s funny…that story you always told Grace, about my curse? Turns out you weren’t far off the mark.”
Danny left Rachel looking confused and more than a little surprised. There was no harm in letting her mull over that for a bit. And Danny didn’t know how much longer he could remain when all he wanted right now was to be near Steve.
next
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Word Count: 30,000
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Hawaii Five-0/Ella Enchanted fusion. Danny is cursed with obedience. He must obey any order given to him.
Warnings: Due to the particulars of Danny's curse, certain situations he is placed in are dub-con or non-con in nature. This does not pertain to any experiences/situations/scenes of a sexual nature - any sex in the story is consensual.
Spoilers: Story goes AU after episode 1x22. Episode-specific spoilers throughout season 1, episode-heavy spoilers for 1x08, 1x16, and 1x18
Notes: This story ATE MY LIFE. Huge thanks to my beta, sirona_gs, for being brutally honest and telling me what needed work. This story wouldn’t be what it is without her help. Also, thank you to annundriel and popkin16 for being hugely supportive during the entire writing process, and being willing to bounce ideas with me at odd times of the day. And to everyone else on my twitter who contributed something at any point, thank you! *smishes*
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 at my journal | AO3 | Soundtrack
--
This wouldn’t do. Being attracted to Steve was bad enough, but wanting to carry out his orders? Danny knew it was fucked up, but it didn’t change the small frisson of pleasure he felt whenever Steve told him to do something. It wouldn’t do, though, he had to distance himself.
His decision was only reinforced when they found Chin with a bomb strapped to his neck.
“Okay, would you relax? You’re getting me wrong, okay, Superman? Bring it down, just a notch. All right, our boy is in trouble, we do what we gotta do, I understand that, I’m just trying to measure the level of insanity we are dealing with.”
“High, high, very high.” Steve was frantic, all manic energy.
“Clearly, clearly.”
Danny was just as worried as Steve was about Chin, he was just better at keeping things compartmentalized. His mind kept going back to one thing, however. That could be him. If Hesse had caught him on his own instead of Chin, it could be him strapped to that bomb. If Hesse or someone else discovered his secret, a bomb would be the least of his troubles. They could order him to take someone’s life. They could order him to take his own life.
It wasn’t that Danny didn’t trust Steve with his secret. The more he thought about it, the more it was becoming a moot point. Steve would never betray Danny’s trust, if he knew. The problem came in where Danny’s attraction was concerned. If he started something with Steve, assuming Steve even felt the same way-that was something that could be taken advantage of by an outside individual, if Danny’s secret was ever exposed.
Danny couldn’t risk it. He knew Steve would never betray him, but he couldn’t bear the thought of being forced, against his own will, into betraying Steve.
When the bomb finally deactivated, Danny was there to help Chin up from the ground. It was a small gesture, the least he could do compared to what Steve and Kono had risked, but he could tell Chin appreciated it.
--
Danny put his feelings behind him. There were other things to be worrying about, thinking about, and his own desires took a backseat to all of that. When Rachel’s car got carjacked, with Grace and Rachel inside, exposing Stan jumped to the forefront of Danny’s concerns.
“You need anything, you call, all right? Anything,” Steve had said.
Danny had just finished seeing Grace and Rachel off at a hotel, and he was on his way to the airport. What he needed was a way to prove Stan had been involved in dirty dealings. He needed to strike a little Williams family fear into the guy. He needed…he needed to talk to Steve, before he took this too far. There was a dull pressure in his head, the curse reminding him of Steve’s words. Danny reached for his phone.
After five rings, Steve picked up. “Danny?” His voice sounded hushed, and there was an odd strain to it. “Are Grace and Rachel okay?”
“Yeah, they are safe, but I am sick, I’m in the middle of a panic attack, okay. This little incident just shaved five years off my life...What’s up with the witness, you find her yet?” The last bit was an afterthought. Danny admitted to himself he hadn’t really been thinking much about what his team had been up to, and he berated himself for the oversight.
“Yeah, but don’t worry about that, okay?” Steve’s voice still sounded strained as he said it, “You stay with your family, don’t come out here.”
Danny frowned. Three commands, the second one being the most problematic at the moment. They hadn’t been issued with Steve’s usual emphatic weight, however, and the fact that he’d been given multiple orders at once meant the second would be easier to ignore.
“Okay, I’m not,” Danny said, “I’m actually on my way to the airport.”
“What are you talking about, airport? Why, you going someplace?” Steve asked, too quickly.
“Well Stan-Stan comes home and, uh, I’m going to offer him a lift home,” Danny said vaguely.
“Buddy-” Steve’s breathing was labored on the other end of the line, “Buddy, Danny, what are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything,” Danny said. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, baiting his words in such a way that he knew Steve would feel compelled to respond.
“Listen, okay?” Danny could feel himself responding to the order, and he pressed the phone receiver closer to his ear. Steve continued, “I may not be able to see you, okay, but I can hear you, and you have a tone.”
“Tone, I don’t have a tone.”
“Okay, you say I have a face? You, my friend, you have a tone, okay, and it’s a tone that says ‘I’m gonna hit somebody’. Now, what’s going on?”
“Okay, I think that Stan-In fact, I know that Stan has something to do with what happened to Rachel and Grace,” Danny said. He knew he was taking a risk in telling Steve this much. Steve could tell him to go back home, abandon his current pursuit. With the mood Danny was in, he wasn’t so sure that would be a bad thing.
“Okay, is that based on anything other than the fact that you hate the man?”
“Yes, it is, okay? They stole his car. They got his car, not hers, okay? They returned it in an hour, and they didn’t take anything! They house was broken into, ransacked, and just like the car, they took nothing, okay, does that sound normal to you? My daughter-my daughter sleeps in that house, okay, and if Stan has anything to do with it, I am going to encourage him to tell me what he knows.”
“Okay, listen to me, all right?” Steve said, and even though his voice was hushed, it was forceful. “I get that you’re pissed, all right, I can hear that, but whatever you do, do not touch him, okay? Do not touch him.”
Steve’s words carried weight, and Danny could sense the curse responding. Not for the first time, he wondered how much Steve knew, or guessed.
“Yeah, I understand that, but you gotta understand that I am a father, all right, this is my daughter we’re talking about.”
“Yeah, you’re also a cop with a gun, okay? And when those worlds cross it gets messy. Danny?”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who crossed them. Just-just don’t worry about me, please. I will handle it. Just get your witness to court.”
Danny hung up, before Steve could tell him to stop, go back to Rachel and Grace, not do anything stupid. He waited to hear his phone ring, Steve calling back to tell him just that, but no call came. Whatever Steve was involved in at the moment, it had him too occupied. It must be big, because under normal circumstances, were their roles reversed, Danny would be calling himself back. He was aware of how he sounded, like he was going to take some dangerous risk. The thought had crossed Danny’s mind.
Do not touch him.
Danny could work with that.
In a way, Danny was relieved. Not that Steve’s order gave him some leeway, but that Steve had issued the order in the first place. It was almost reassuring, knowing he had that to keep him from going too far. Danny wondered if that was the reason he had called Steve in the first place. Well, certainly, what Steve had said earlier today was part of the reason for that. You need anything, you call. What if what he really needed had been someone to talk him down? It explained why he had been so forthcoming in his information about the situation, knowing Steve read him too well.
Danny drove to the airport. Stan was there, about to get into the car he’d arranged to pick him up.
“Hey.”
Stan looked up, surprised. “Danny?”
“Yeah, I gotta talk to you,” Danny said. At Stan’s hesitation, he continued with, “I’m not asking, come on. Come on.”
Stan followed Danny to the Camaro and got in without argument. That always was their main difference. Stan wasn’t confrontational, he never argued. He always acquiesced, which, Danny supposed, was a good trait in a businessman, but it irritated the hell out of him.
“You know, Stan, when I had a daughter I knew there were certain things I was going to have to deal with. Texting. An obscene clothing budget,” Danny said, counting them off on his fingers as he drove. “A stroke-inducing cell phone bill regardless of the plan that I chose. But I’ll tell you, there is one thing that did not make the list.”
Danny paused, checked to see that Stan was still with him. “Carjacking. Carjacking did not make the list of things that I thought that I would encounter with my eight-year-old daughter, so I am going to ask you one time, what kind of trouble are you in?”
Stan had the gall to look ignorant. “This has nothing to do with me, Danny. I’m as shocked as you are.”
“Shut up. Shut up, okay? I want you to know something, normally I would just pull over and give you the worst beating you’ve ever had in your entire life until you told me the truth.”
And normally, Danny would, if not for the order given to him by Steve. Do not touch him. “But I am working,” Danny continued, “I am working on my anger management issues and I am learning conflict resolution, you understand? And I recognize something. I recognize although you are trying to hide it, you are very scared right now, as you should be, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and I am gonna remind you that because of you, people put guns near my daughter.”
Danny was proud of himself, his words were just as effective as any threatening gestures could be, and he didn’t feel that dull pounding in his head when he was straying too close to disobeying an order. It helped, also, that Stan looked properly cowed, now, as he spilled the details about the deal he’d tried to broker, the threats, the taped conversation. Danny couldn’t help the small, vindictive part of him that was pleased his suspicions had been confirmed, and that Stan had been somehow involved in this mess. That small satisfaction was short-lived, however. Stan wasn’t Bad News, as Danny had been hoping. He was just a good (boring, dull) person in the wrong situation, and in over his head. And much as Danny would love to expose his flaws, he knew he wouldn’t-couldn’t-do that. He had to do what was best for Grace, which meant, much as it pained him to admit, doing what was best for Rachel, too.
It was immensely satisfying to corner the housing commissioner, slap his badge against the man’s forehead, and strike the fear of Danny Williams into him. It made Danny feel like he actually had some measure of control over his life. Less satisfying was, later, watching Stan hugging Rachel and holding Grace’s hand. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, after all he’d been through that day.
Danny felt keyed up as he drove back to his apartment. He was on edge, and not just from everything that had happened. He needed, he needed…
You need anything, you call.
Danny had his phone in his had before he’d even finished the thought, pressing the speed dial for Steve.
Steve picked up on the first ring. “Danny? Is everything all right? How did things go?” He sounded better than he did before, but there was worry in his tone.
“It’s good, fine,” Danny said, “Everything’s fine. Look, are you home right now? I, ah, was wondering if I could stop by.”
“Yeah,” Steve said after the briefest of pauses, and Danny wondered if he was imagining the way Steve sounded almost relieved. “Yeah, I’m here, come on over. I just got back from the courthouse a few minutes ago.”
“That go okay?” Danny asked.
“Yeah, it did. I’ll tell you about it when you get here.”
Danny pulled into the driveway fifteen minutes later. He walked through the front door-unlocked, he was really going to have to talk to Steve about that-and into the living room. The water was running upstairs. Danny suppressed the mental images that threatened to spring to mind, of Steve showering, the long lines of his body slick and wet. Danny went to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for himself while he waited for Steve to come down.
He didn’t have to wait long. Steve appeared five minutes later, rubbing a towel over his head. He was dressed in a cotton tee shirt and drawstring pants. Not thinking about it, not thinking about it, Danny told himself fervently. Steve also seemed to have some stubborn greasy streaks on his face that even a shower hadn’t been enough to erase.
“Look at you,” Danny said, “What happened? You look like you brought the jungle home with you.”
Steve gave a self-conscious rub at his face, to no avail. “I’m still not convinced I didn’t,” he said, “Anyway, what’s up? What happened with Stan?”
Danny laughed, and he was surprised by how wrecked it sounded. “Well, you’ll be pleased to know, I didn’t touch him,” he said.
Steve, in the middle of trying to wipe his face again with the towel, froze. “Danny, what did you do to him?”
“Nothing! Well, I confronted him-verbally!” Danny said quickly, at Steve’s disbelieving face. “And I was right, he was involved. But it wasn’t his doing, he just got himself too deep in some trouble. I sorted it out.”
“You did that for him?” Steve asked, still wary.
“I did it for Grace,” Danny said, remembering the terrified look on the housing commissioner’s face. And he would do it again, in a heartbeat.
Steve frowned. “And…everything’s okay now?”
“Yes. No…I don’t know,” Danny admitted. His free hand raked through his hair, messing it up.
“What’s the matter, Danny?” Steve asked, shifting closer.
“I just-It’s never enough, is it? I always feel like I’m only half in control of myself, if that. I’m fighting, but it’s never enough,” Danny said. He was treading into dangerous territory here. Any second now Steve was going to ask for clarification.
“Danny…” Steve began.
“And, this afternoon, that just hit it home,” Danny said, interrupting wherever Steve was planning on taking that sentence. “Watching Stan and Rachel and Grace go back into that house together. That’s something I can’t have. Not that-I mean…Rachel and I have been better lately, yeah, but it’s over, long over. And anyway, that’s not what I want. I want…”
And Danny couldn’t even articulate it, for reasons that had nothing to do with his curse and everything to do with his own inability to talk about his feelings. It was the same feeling that had him on edge earlier, the same need that compelled him to call Steve. Danny looked up and…wow, Steve had moved closer. His arms reached out to bracket Danny’s shoulders, steadying him. Danny had never felt more off-kilter.
“I know, Danny,” Steve said, and for a wild moment Danny thought Steve was referring to his curse. “I get it, me too.”
Danny’s eyes locked with Steve’s. He couldn’t mean he wanted-wanted this? Danny found himself unconsciously leaning into Steve’s touch.
“Danny, I-” Steve hesitated. Steve never hesitated about anything. “Can I kiss you?”
Danny was so shocked that for a moment he could only stare. People never asked him things, they always just took, or demanded from him without any regard for his feelings. Even Steve, whose offhand orders given on the case Danny had grown accustomed to, because they were usually given with good reason. And here Steve was, asking him…and Danny realized he had yet to give Steve an answer.
“Yeah,” Danny said, and it came out almost a croak. “Yeah, you’d better.”
Relief flickered across Steve’s face, a flash of a grin, and then he was leaning in. Danny tilted his head up to meet him. It was tentative at first, a soft tease of pressure as they felt each other out, a scrape of stubble across jaws. Steve pulled back slightly, as if to assess Danny’s reaction. His eyes were wide and probing, and Danny was struck for a moment by how long his lashes looked from this close, in stark contrast against skin. When Danny made a low noise of protest at the absence, Steve moved back in.
Danny had given a lot of thought to this. Well, not to this specifically, but he had definitely spent enough time thinking about kissing Steve, about doing other things with Steve. He never would have guessed it would be like this, as Steve’s lips moved against his in a warm slide. He’d expected more of a hungry crashing of lips-and there was definitely the potential for that still, a barely contained energy in Steve’s bearing-but right now it was a careful, thorough exploration that filled Danny with a strange warmth in his chest.
Danny angled his head, offering better access. Steve let out a shaky breath, and Danny felt a brief moment of smugness, that he was the reason for that. His lips quirked in a smile against Steve’s. Danny didn’t know who sped things up first, but then they were moving, pressing into each other’s space as they kissed like they’d been starving for it. And Danny couldn’t speak for Steve, but he knew he had.
Danny groaned, and Steve used the opportunity to gain access with his tongue, moving against Danny’s in a warmwet slide. Danny grappled at Steve, one hand clutching at his waist, the other at the nape of Steve’s neck, pulling him closer. Danny’s fingers threaded into Steve’s hair, and Steve’s answering groan was heady and empowering.
Steve clutched tighter at Danny’s biceps. He kissed with a single-minded sort of determination that left Danny breathless, everything in his mind narrowed down to the feel of Steve’s lips against his. And Danny had always liked kissing well enough, yeah, but not since his high school days had he ever felt so keyed up just from that. Even more amazing was the way Steve seemed to feel the same way, if the surprised sounds coming from his throat were anything to go by.
And, thing is, Danny had had some experience being someone’s everything. Enough to recognize the way Steve kissed him, like nothing else mattered. And that-that frightened him, because he couldn’t be someone’s everything, when there would always be a part of him that wasn’t his own. When, any moment of any day, someone could force him to turn on those he lo- cared about.
Danny pulled back like he’d been punched in the gut. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m- I’m sorry.”
“Danny, wha-…?” And Steve didn’t get it. His expression was dazed and half-lidded as he reached out, and Danny wanted nothing more than to go back to kissing him, to see where that kissing would inevitably lead. He couldn’t though…he couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” Danny repeated, stepping back and away from Steve as quickly as he was able. That got Steve’s attention.
“What’s the matter, Danny? Was it something-did I do something wrong?” There was worry in Steve’s voice, and he had his hands held up in a placating gesture, like a peace offering. It made Danny feel even worse.
“No, it’s not-” But Danny couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say it’s not you, it’s me. Because Danny couldn’t risk the questions that would follow, the possibility of Steve demanding an explanation. Because Steve deserved an explanation, but Danny knew he couldn’t give it.
“I just-I realized this was a mistake,” Danny said, though it was a physical ache in his chest to say it, because nothing had ever felt more right. He moved for the door.
“Wait.”
The uttered word was gravelly and soft, barely above a whisper. Danny froze in his tracks, held there by a single word. He turned his head slowly, looking back at Steve.
Anxiety and confusion lined Steve’s face. “Danny,” he began-pleaded-and his voice sounded wrecked and broken.
“Steve,” Danny interrupted. He couldn’t let Steve finish wherever he was going with that thought. This was hard enough as it was. The words caught in Danny’s throat as he continued, “Please…let me go.”
Something strange flickered in Steve’s eyes for a moment before it was gone. Danny wasn’t even sure if it was there to begin with. Steve’s shoulders sagged in a defeated slump. “You can leave,” he said, voice resigned.
Danny felt the hold of his curse loosen, and he could move again. Thing was, he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay, wanted to tell Steve everything. Wanted Steve to know the reasons why this couldn’t work. Wanted to stay, and find a way for it to work anyway.
Steve had turned away, and Danny could no longer see his face. Probably a defense mechanism, as Danny could read every emotion on Steve’s face even when he was trying to hide it, and Steve knew it, too. Danny wouldn’t forget the look Steve had just given him, hurt and concern and betrayal written there plainly for him to see.
Danny swallowed past the lump that had risen in his throat, and left the house.
--
It hurt, pretending that nothing had happened. But Steve very tacitly didn’t bring up That Night, and Danny didn’t either. They still argued, they still bickered with one another. Occasionally they would even get in one another’s personal space, but then they would seem to realize where they were, what they were doing, and would back off.
When Hurricane Matty blew into town, Danny looked forward to the distraction. Matt hadn’t changed much, still the good-natured ribbing, the easy humor Danny was used to. Even Steve let go of some of his tension from the last couple weeks, laughing over dinner with them. Danny found himself unconsciously reaching for Steve, needing his touch as an anchor.
And then the ball had dropped. The federal officers told Danny and Steve about Matt’s impending indictment.
“If you hear anything about his travel plans, I’d appreciate it if you give us a call, okay?”
Danny took the proffered card, but he already knew he wouldn’t make the call. He hadn’t been ordered to do so.
And then they were gone, and Steve was standing there with him. Because in spite of all they had been through, Steve stood with him. And even though the evidence seemed damning, Steve wanted to believe Danny that Matt couldn’t have done this, and that counted for something. What, Danny wasn’t sure yet.
“Talk to him, take all the time you need,” Steve said.
Danny nodded, his mind thrumming at the order. Of course, since Steve had given him the luxury of time, he didn’t feel compelled to talk to his brother right away.
--
For one brief, harrowing moment, Danny thought Steve would do it, would give up Matty’s location to the Feds. Not out of any sort of vindictiveness, obviously (though Danny was sure he deserved it) but because, for all of Steve’s bending of rules, he took upholding the law very seriously. But then Steve had locked eyes with Danny, and Danny couldn’t quite say what had passed between them there, but a moment later Steve was lying, lying, to the Feds.
“Thank you,” Danny said once they’d gone.
Steve only nodded, his expression one of utter incredulity at what he’d just done…and Danny would dwell on what that meant, on the fact that Steve had lied to federal officers for him, later. Now, he had Matt to worry about.
Danny drove at speeds that would have made Steve proud, racing to get there. He arrived just in time to see Matt about to board the plane.
“Matty! Matty…Matthew Williams, hey!”
Matt turned slowly, the briefcase in his hand. “You gonna shoot me, Danny?”
“I should shoot you, you stupid son of bitch! Huh, laundering money for drug dealers, what the hell is the matter with you?” Danny’s hand on his gun was shaking, he was so angry.
“I had no choice,” Matt said, and Danny wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, because seriously. Danny knew what it was like, living every day with the threat that his free will might be taken from him at any moment. Danny knew what it was like to not have a choice.
“You did have a choice, you had a choice, I gave you a choice! I said I was gonna help you. I said I was gonna get you through this, didn’t I?”
“It’s not that simple, Danny, this isn’t you beating up cousin Jimmy because he stole my bike.”
“Matt, listen to me, you are gonna turn yourself in. You are gonna turn yourself in!”
“And go to Federal prison? I’d never survive, Danny, I’m not strong enough. I’m not you!”
Danny didn’t want to think about what that meant, that Matt thought he was the strong one. If anything, his curse had made him stronger, but Danny didn’t feel like he was anything to aspire to. He continued reasoning with Matt, “What the hell is the matter with you? Huh, what’d you do? You went through with it? What is that, getaway money?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be a getaway, Danny, I was trying to-…I was trying to fix things.”
“Trying to fix things? So what’re you going to do? Huh? You’re just going to run away? You’re going to fly off and forget about us? Huh, is that your plan? Hey, I’m asking you a question! What about mom and dad, huh, what about Grace? We’re your family, Matty.”
Matt leveled a stare at Danny, filled with resolve and regret. “This ends one of two ways, big brother, you either shoot me, or you say goodbye.”
Danny’s breath hitched, and it felt like something had taken an icy-cold grip on the inside of his chest. Matt couldn’t mean…
“Shoot me or say goodbye, Danny,” Matt repeated, placing just the right emphasis on the words so that his curse couldn’t help but respond.
Danny felt sweat break out along his brow as he tried to resist the pull, tried to fight it.
“No,” Danny grated out, though it was a futile effort. His finger trembled towards the trigger with every moment he didn’t say it. Goodbye. He couldn’t, couldn’t…couldn’t not. “Please, Matty, don’t make me…”
“I’m not making you do anything, Danny,” Matt said, and his voice was pained, “Except choose.”
Danny choked back a sob that was threatening to escape. For a wild moment, he entertained the possibility of shooting Matt somewhere non-vital, like an arm or leg. Even as the thought occurred to him, however, he knew he wouldn’t risk it. His hand was trembling so much from resisting the command, there was too great a chance of his bullet going awry, hitting something like the femoral artery. And even if he succeeded in incapacitating Matt and nothing more, he would have to live with that, look his brother in the eye after having shot him.
The pressure in Danny’s head was mounting, becoming unbearable. There were tears in his eyes, and he blinked them back. With a mighty effort, he lowered his gun.
“Goodbye,” Danny whispered. It was a struggle to say it, like he was swallowing past hot coals and broken glass just to get the word out.
Matt nodded once, and turned to board the plane. And then he was gone. Gone. And Danny had lost him, Danny had let him go. And it-it had been Danny’s decision.
Danny needed to talk to someone. Someone who would understand what he was going through. He didn’t realize until five minutes after getting in the car that he was headed to Rachel’s.
Rachel sensed something was wrong the moment she saw him.
“Danny…what’s happened?”
“He’s gone…Matty’s gone. I lost him.” I let him go.
Rachel’s sympathy mirrored his own pain, and she embraced him. It wasn’t enough, though. It wasn’t what Danny needed.
After a moment, Rachel guided Danny inside. She directed him to the kitchen, where she gestured at one of the stools, and filled a kettle with water for the stove.
“All right,” she said, “Will you tell me what happened?”
Danny nodded. He told her everything, from confronting Matt, getting him to agree to go back to Jersey, up to finding out what the Feds had revealed. At some point, Rachel put a hot cup of tea in front of him.
“And then, once I’d caught up with him, he told me-” Here Danny hesitated, the memory still fresh and painful. He tried again, “He told me I had to either shoot him or say goodbye, He-he ordered it.”
Rachel let out a breath next to him. “Oh, Danny, I’m so sorry. You…you didn’t?”
Danny shook his head. “I couldn’t…couldn’t shoot him. I let him go. But Rach…he’s gone now. He’s gone, and on the run, and it’s all my fault.”
“Daniel Ethan Williams,” Rachel said, voice stern, “It most certainly is not your fault. It is no one’s fault but Matthew’s. He is the one who was engaging in illegal activity, he is the one who got indicted and didn’t own up to his mistakes, and he is the one who ran. He’s also the one who forced you into, quite frankly, an impossible and horrible situation, where no matter what choice you made you would still feel the guilt of it. It is not your fault.”
Rachel was quite adamant, and Danny knew she wouldn’t listen to his protestations on the matter. He felt the lump in his throat rising again, threatening to overwhelm him, and he took a gulp of tea to distract himself from it. It burned the back of this mouth and felt good.
They didn’t say anything for several minutes, though Rachel rested a hand on his shoulder. It was comforting, but it wasn’t enough. Neither of them talked about the last time Rachel had given him an order he didn’t want to carry out, though they were both thinking about it. Matty had been there for him then and now…now Rachel was here. Danny laughed, and it had an edge of hysteria. It wasn’t funny, it really wasn’t, but he couldn’t do anything else, given the situation.
Rachel stood suddenly, crossed the room, and grabbed the cordless phone from the cradle. She held it out, a severe expression on her face.
“What’s that for?” Danny asked.
“You,” Rachel said, “You should call your parents. I would, I’d love to give them a piece of my mind, but it’s not my place.”
“And you want me to instead?” Danny asked. They were his parents, he couldn’t…
“I think you need to talk to them, yes. And you ought to call them anyway. They need to know what’s happened to Matt, and you’re the best person to break that news to them. Would you rather they hear the news from the police?”
Danny shook his head. The phone rested in his palm. How would he tell them?
“Danny,” Rachel said, sighing, “I know this is difficult. And I’m not going to make you do anything. But I do think there are some things they need to hear from you, and some things they ought to hear from you. You can take as much time as you need.”
Danny was reminded suddenly of Steve’s, take all the time you need. It occurred to him then, he didn’t know what had happened to Steve after the Feds had left, and presumably their trail had gone cold. Danny pulled out his cell phone, and saw that there was a missed call there, from Steve. He needed to talk to Steve as well, but that would have to wait a bit. He shot off a quick text, lost Matty. talk to you about it later, before putting his cell phone away.
When Danny looked up, Rachel was moving across the kitchen. “Wait, where are you going?” Danny asked.
“I just thought I’d encourage you to call by giving you a little space,” she said, “It’s only 8 pm there. Prefect time for calling.”
Rachel went out into the living room, leaving Danny with the phone. Much as he hated to admit it, she was right. His parents needed to know about Matty, and it was better they heard it from him than from a stranger. But more than that, this talk with them had been a long time coming. He was upset-devastated-over Matty, but more than that, he was angry. Angry that he had been put in that position, angry that he had been forced to choose. And maybe the situation would have been the same regardless of his curse, but damn it, Danny ought to be able to make that decision himself. It might make dealing with the fallout that much easier.
His mind was made up. He dialed the number. After several rings it picked up, his mom’s familiar voice on the other end of the line. “Hello?”
“Mom? It’s Danny.”
“Danny! It’s been a while.” And Danny could tell his mom was about to launch into small talk of you should visit sometime and we miss you and how’s the weather there, and he wasn’t prepared to deflect all that.
“Yeah, ma, it has. But look, that’s…not why I called.”
There was a hesitation over the line. “Is everything all right?”
Danny’s chest felt tight as he said, “No. No, it isn’t.”
--
An hour later, Danny’s head felt like it was going to split open. He’d told both his parents. There had been some denials, some anger, some sobbing. Danny was just waiting for someone to place the blame on him. Why did you leave your brother alone? Why did you let him get away? Though Danny knew such accusations were undeserved, part of him wanted to hear them.
His mom had gotten off the line some time ago, to call and inform other family members of what had happened. Danny was left on the phone with his father.
“So…” his dad said. As far as ‘things we don’t want to talk about’ conversations went, this was an auspicious segue.
“So,” Danny said. There was a lot he still wanted to talk about, but thanks to several different orders he had to wait for his dad to bring it up first.
“There’s still something you aren’t telling us.” It was true. Danny had intentionally left off Matt’s command, partly to spare his mom dealing with that information, and because he knew his father would pick up on the omission. And this was a conversation they, the two of them, needed to have.
“Such as?”
“I can tell when you’re upset. It’s more than that-you’re angry. Now, you wanna tell me what really happened?”
It was like the last thirty years meant nothing, and Danny was a kid again. It was at once reassuringly familiar and infuriating. Danny was leaning more towards the latter.
“Matty broke your first rule, dad. I caught up with him, could have brought him in, but he told me-he said to either shoot him or let him go. He ordered it.”
There was a long, horrible silence over the phone, while Danny let that information sink in.
“I’m sorry, son.” His father sounded ashamed. Good. “I never…I didn’t think-”
“No, you didn’t,” Danny interrupted. “You thought that by giving me that order all those years ago, not to tell anyone about it, that you were protecting me. That somehow, I would be safe from being taken advantage of. Well, I’ve got news for you on that front, my own brother used my curse against me. Meanwhile, the people you wanted to protect me from, most of them have already guessed. My partner when I was still in Hoboken, Rachel, two of my team members here, they all know, and it doesn’t change a thing. And yeah, there have been slip-ups on occasion, but none of them would ever intentionally make me do something I didn’t want.”
“Other people might,” his father said, echoing an old argument.
“Yeah, I know that,” Danny said. He had to live with that possibility every day, “But you know what? I wouldn’t tell them. I would, however, like the freedom to tell whomever I choose about my curse. I would like to tell people I trust about it. You know I’m a good judge of character. That way I know someone has my back, if I ever am caught off-guard.”
“I was only trying to protect you, when I gave that order.”
“I know you were…but I’m a grown man, I can make my own decisions, I can make my own mistakes.” Except when I’m ordered not to, Danny thought but didn’t say. “Look, dad. If you care at all about my own free will, you’ll take the order back.”
Danny wondered if he had pushed his luck too far. There was silence over the line, and then, finally, his father said, “Okay…yes, I take it back.”
“You have to phrase it like an order, for it to work,” Danny pointed out. That was the only way he could be released from this particular command, or Rachel’s “tell me” would have worked all those years ago.
“Danny…tell people about your curse at your own discretion,” his father said, with finality.
Danny gave a sigh of something like relief. He could tell people, he could talk about it. He could tell Steve.
“Thank you,” Danny said, realizing belatedly that it was the first time his father had ever acknowledged it as a curse.
“I’m sorry, Danny,” his father said suddenly.
“About Matty?”
“About everything. I’m sorry about what you’ve had to go through. Your mother and I…we didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
Danny’s breath caught in his chest. His father couldn’t be talking about the circumstances surrounding the curse, could he? Danny had resigned himself years ago to the fact that he might never know, when his parents had ordered him to stop asking about it. Even now, that order prevented him from prompting further; he could only listen, and see how much his father divulged.
“This is going to sound completely impossible…”
More impossible than an obedience curse? Danny wondered.
“I don’t know if you realize this, but there are things in this world…beyond our comprehension. Old things. Well, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I never believed any of it. But your mom did. Did you know she was infertile? Doctors said she would never have kids…”
He trailed off, but Danny could put the rest together himself. He was the oldest of four, and also the only one under a curse.
“Let me guess,” Danny said. A guess, after all, wasn’t asking questions. “There was a deal of some sort. You reneged, and I was punished for it.”
“Something like that, yeah, but you have to know, Danny, we never wanted-we never meant for it to happen this way,” his father implored, his tone apologetic.
“I know,” Danny said. Just like he knew what his parents really wanted was forgiveness. Danny didn’t know if he could give it, not right now, at least. This was his entire life, after all. “Can I ask one thing?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ever be rid of it?” Danny asked, quelling the lump rising in his throat at the possibility of hope.
“I don’t know.” Danny could hear the pain in his father’s voice as he said it.
Danny had wondered for so long about it, he almost didn’t know what he had been expecting. But, in truth, the story behind his curse didn’t matter so much as the actuality of it. Regardless of how it had come about, he still had to live with it. At least now he had the option of divulging information about it.
With a sudden rush of clarity, Danny realized that what he wanted at that moment, more than anything, was to tell Steve. Certainly, there were ways he could have told Steve sooner, via Rachel or Chin or Kono as proxy, but there was something about knowing that Steve would be the first person he ever told about his curse. Danny liked that idea.
“Look…I’ve, uh, gotta go right now,” Danny said, “It’s getting really late here, and I just realized there’s something I need to do.”
“Yeah, okay, sure…Look, Danny, I’m-”
“I know, dad. I do. But don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“You can’t know that,” his dad pointed out.
“Can any of us know that? But really, I’m better than I’ve ever been. You should meet the people watching my back.” Danny felt a swell of pride just thinking about them. He trusted them, all of them.
“I feel a little better, knowing that,” his dad said, “We worry about you, your mother and I. Just, well…I won’t say ‘be careful,’ but you know what I mean.”
“Thank you,” Danny said, both for his father catching himself and for the intent behind the message. “I’ll call again when I’m able.”
Danny ended the call. His half-finished tea had grown cold. Rachel walked back in as he got up to rinse the cup.
“Don’t pretend you weren’t trying to follow the conversation,” he said mock-accusingly.
“My hearing isn’t quite that good, I just came in to see how you’re doing. Judging by your tone, I’d say better?”
“Getting there.”
When Danny didn’t offer any more information, Rachel surveyed him with a searching expression.
“Danny…” she began, “I’m aware I may be overstepping my bounds, saying this. Of course, you are always welcome to come here when you need someone to talk to. But…I have a feeling I’m not the person you want to be talking to.”
Danny could only nod. Once again, Rachel had gotten right to the heart of the matter.
“I know it isn’t my place, but if you want me to tell Steve for you…”
“Chin already offered,” Danny said.
“What’s stopping you from taking him up on that? I mean, I know you go on your rants about Steve all the time, but that’s how you express affection even under the best of circumstances. You trust him, don’t you?”
“With my life,” Danny said, a little surprised by his own earnestness. True, for all he railed against Steve’s methods, and would continue to do so, he knew Steve would see him through any situation. The man had lied to federal officers for him. “I don’t need anyone to tell Steve for me, though. I can do it myself.”
Rachel’s face was quizzical. “But, I thought you couldn’t.”
“I couldn’t tell anyone about my curse because my father, years ago, ordered me not to. I convinced him to take it back.”
“And now?”
“Now…I’m going to tell Steve,” Danny said. The knowledge that he was going to do this, really do it, filled him with a nervous sort of energy.
Rachel smiled. “I think that’s a good idea. I’m truly happy that your talk with your parents went well.”
“Yeah, now I just gotta hope that this next talk goes half as well,” Danny said, giving a weak smile. He hadn’t forgotten a couple weeks ago, how he had left that encounter between them, and in spite of their public behavior to the contrary, he knew Steve hadn’t either.
Danny made his way to the door. Though he knew Rachel would allow him to stay if he needed, he felt his welcome overstayed. “Thanks, Rachel, for everything,” he said, “You know, it’s funny…that story you always told Grace, about my curse? Turns out you weren’t far off the mark.”
Danny left Rachel looking confused and more than a little surprised. There was no harm in letting her mull over that for a bit. And Danny didn’t know how much longer he could remain when all he wanted right now was to be near Steve.
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