Things
Things seem to be looking up today, for no particular reason. I spent my morning calling five or six of the I-don't-know-how-many jobs I've applied for, with little success. Searching my usual sites for job openings proved just as unfruitful.
When I woke up Ryan, things got better. We had lunch together and played rummy before going to Starbucks to hang out for awhile. I did find a few part-time jobs to apply for while at the coffeeshop, but nothing that would really support the kind of living I was hoping to do post-graduation.
Thank god Ryan is having better luck than I am. He has a second interview on Thursday for a position with some sort of computer consulting company. He would be starting around 45-50 a year, which is plenty to pay the ridiculous cheap rent we get away with living here. I'm hoping that he has luck, because with him employed we can together live more comfortably while I continue to seek out steady employment. Or any employment at all, for that matter...
Since the big moment last Thursday, things with Ryan have been much better. I guess we just need to fist-fight every couple of months or so? But I feel like things are how they should be, back to where they were before all that other stuff. He supports me, through all this - and is probably the only person who knows how to make me feel worthwhile again and again.
This is enough to make life happy, surprisingly. I mean, I feel sort of miserable having three degrees and not being able to find a decent job. That is one pretty shitty feeling. But things could be worse: I have a comfy cozy home that I share with the love of my life, I still have enough money saved to eat and live, my family is close, and my friends mean the world to me. Things could be, and have been, much worse.
Last weekend was Brandon/Jill's bachelor/ette parties. I am so excited for their wedding; I truly believe it is going to be a beautiful ceremony, and I'll be happy to see my closest and most trusted friends tie the knot. Jill's bridesmaid's are all great ladies and fun to hang around with (although I have to admit I kinda wished I was hanging out with the groomsmen during Brandon's party, since they are all great gents themselves). I will probably cry like a lost baby, but ah well. That's what wedding's are for, right?
Ryan and I talk a lot of marriage. This brings me sort of mixed feelings. I love Ryan in a way I have never felt before. I mean, I loved Joe dearly, but this is different. That relationship was what it was, for its best times and its worst times. We were young and just trying to figure everything out. Trying to figure out who we were and why (itt seems like there was so much life to live then, that things moved so much faster. I feel bad for much of it, and try not to think about it).
But there is something in this relationship that wasn't there (and Joe seems so happily matched himself nowadays that I do believe the final split was the best thing for both parties, and the best end to a largely dysfunctional relationship). But we fight so regularly. It's hard on one. Maybe I just get scared because I watched my parents fight so much that I think fighting alone is reason not to wed. I can think of a million reasons why marriage is a useless, outdated practice. But wouldn't it be fun to have a ring and party with all my friends? These are my shallowest reasons to wed, by far.
I'm alone tonight. Ryan is at Best Buy. Yes, Best Buy Roseville. The exact Best Buy where you dated way too many of your coworkers and probably made the longest string of bad decisions on record in Kate history. And Ryan knows it, too. That poor damn man is the only one who has paid for *any* of my mistakes back then. He was the one accosted by Tim at my birthday party. He was the one FuckFace screamed at the next morning when he was still there. And now he is the one back at Best Buy, working with (and sharing the name of) the man I went to Missouri with, working with FuckFace, working with that man who was so in love with me. Poor Ryan. These mistakes seem more his than mine, when you view the consequences. He has sacrificed a lot of time, care and concern to be with me. I trampled over him like every other man in my life and he remained there, so in love with me. I am so loved, so loved.
Take yesterday, for instance. Because I am a vegetarian and because I weigh 95 pounds, and because I don't take care of myself like I should, apparently I can't even bike anymore. I ended up on the bathroom floor of a coffeeshop barely able to stand from dizziness. Ryan was at work, so Brandon came and picked up my sorry self and brought me home to rest. I guess Ryan texted later to thank Brandon for taking care of his lady for him. This is the wonderful life I lead. My boyfriend and my best friend are best friends. Everyone is close and there for each other to help each other out. We can rely on each other these friends and I - which is something I have never had before with any group of friends or boyfriend. I know that they will *always* be there for me. I am so lucky, so loved.
Tonight will be spent with Joyce, or maybe Hemingway. Waiting for Ryan to come, so that he can hold me in his arms and so that I can believe that everything will be alright.
(And the rain is beautiful, and the evening is clear, and we are all washed with the waters of the same night sky.)
When I woke up Ryan, things got better. We had lunch together and played rummy before going to Starbucks to hang out for awhile. I did find a few part-time jobs to apply for while at the coffeeshop, but nothing that would really support the kind of living I was hoping to do post-graduation.
Thank god Ryan is having better luck than I am. He has a second interview on Thursday for a position with some sort of computer consulting company. He would be starting around 45-50 a year, which is plenty to pay the ridiculous cheap rent we get away with living here. I'm hoping that he has luck, because with him employed we can together live more comfortably while I continue to seek out steady employment. Or any employment at all, for that matter...
Since the big moment last Thursday, things with Ryan have been much better. I guess we just need to fist-fight every couple of months or so? But I feel like things are how they should be, back to where they were before all that other stuff. He supports me, through all this - and is probably the only person who knows how to make me feel worthwhile again and again.
This is enough to make life happy, surprisingly. I mean, I feel sort of miserable having three degrees and not being able to find a decent job. That is one pretty shitty feeling. But things could be worse: I have a comfy cozy home that I share with the love of my life, I still have enough money saved to eat and live, my family is close, and my friends mean the world to me. Things could be, and have been, much worse.
Last weekend was Brandon/Jill's bachelor/ette parties. I am so excited for their wedding; I truly believe it is going to be a beautiful ceremony, and I'll be happy to see my closest and most trusted friends tie the knot. Jill's bridesmaid's are all great ladies and fun to hang around with (although I have to admit I kinda wished I was hanging out with the groomsmen during Brandon's party, since they are all great gents themselves). I will probably cry like a lost baby, but ah well. That's what wedding's are for, right?
Ryan and I talk a lot of marriage. This brings me sort of mixed feelings. I love Ryan in a way I have never felt before. I mean, I loved Joe dearly, but this is different. That relationship was what it was, for its best times and its worst times. We were young and just trying to figure everything out. Trying to figure out who we were and why (itt seems like there was so much life to live then, that things moved so much faster. I feel bad for much of it, and try not to think about it).
But there is something in this relationship that wasn't there (and Joe seems so happily matched himself nowadays that I do believe the final split was the best thing for both parties, and the best end to a largely dysfunctional relationship). But we fight so regularly. It's hard on one. Maybe I just get scared because I watched my parents fight so much that I think fighting alone is reason not to wed. I can think of a million reasons why marriage is a useless, outdated practice. But wouldn't it be fun to have a ring and party with all my friends? These are my shallowest reasons to wed, by far.
I'm alone tonight. Ryan is at Best Buy. Yes, Best Buy Roseville. The exact Best Buy where you dated way too many of your coworkers and probably made the longest string of bad decisions on record in Kate history. And Ryan knows it, too. That poor damn man is the only one who has paid for *any* of my mistakes back then. He was the one accosted by Tim at my birthday party. He was the one FuckFace screamed at the next morning when he was still there. And now he is the one back at Best Buy, working with (and sharing the name of) the man I went to Missouri with, working with FuckFace, working with that man who was so in love with me. Poor Ryan. These mistakes seem more his than mine, when you view the consequences. He has sacrificed a lot of time, care and concern to be with me. I trampled over him like every other man in my life and he remained there, so in love with me. I am so loved, so loved.
Take yesterday, for instance. Because I am a vegetarian and because I weigh 95 pounds, and because I don't take care of myself like I should, apparently I can't even bike anymore. I ended up on the bathroom floor of a coffeeshop barely able to stand from dizziness. Ryan was at work, so Brandon came and picked up my sorry self and brought me home to rest. I guess Ryan texted later to thank Brandon for taking care of his lady for him. This is the wonderful life I lead. My boyfriend and my best friend are best friends. Everyone is close and there for each other to help each other out. We can rely on each other these friends and I - which is something I have never had before with any group of friends or boyfriend. I know that they will *always* be there for me. I am so lucky, so loved.
Tonight will be spent with Joyce, or maybe Hemingway. Waiting for Ryan to come, so that he can hold me in his arms and so that I can believe that everything will be alright.
(And the rain is beautiful, and the evening is clear, and we are all washed with the waters of the same night sky.)