the green light
Bjorn had his first communion today. It was a pretty spiffy ceremony. He looked quite sharp in his shirt and tie. The girls at church had their white dresses and veils. They all looked so cute dressed up. I think Bjorn had a good time. My dad wasn't embarrassing until the end when he kept thanking Father for mass. Jesus. The man already thinks he's God's gift to the preaching, no need to suck up to him! Hopefully Bjorn remembers this day. I don't even remember mine. I barely remember my confirmation.
Anyway, while sitting in church, I saw about three or four classmates with kids getting their first communion and I thought - am I behind the times! I thought how nice it would have been to have my own kid up there, or at least a little toddler dancing behind me in the pew. If not a child, then at least a husband/fiancé/boyfriend/someone next to me. I just felt...I don't know...alone. I feel the same way at Christmas and Easter usually. It just reminds me that being single means being alone a lot sometimes. And then I wonder if I'll ever find someone...or anyone. The way things are going...probably not.
Am also super depressed because I signed my lease for another year in my town and still have the same awful, horrible, crap retail job. There's still nothing out there to even apply for. I really need to rev up the job search again, but after last summer's crash and burn, my hopes aren't too high. But I have to find something better! Pronto! It's turned into a shitty high school Mean Girls club. My manager is an immature teenager trapped in an adult body. She'd rather gossip about boys or bitch about other employees than actually work. If she's not doing that, then she's yelling at me for not doing MY job. My supervisor used to be a work friend, but she's turned into a total kissass that does not work what so ever. If said manager and this supervisor are scheduled together, you never see them because they're off in the manager's office gossiping for HOURS. They won't answer calls or help out front at all. Or said supervisor will just disappear into other departments and ignore the front end and customer service. Yet, I get in trouble for not doing enough for customer service!
I want so badly to escape and go someplace that at least a) keeps me busy all day (this job is boring as shit), b) has smart people that don't use "ain't", "them" instead of "those" or "nothing" instead of "anything". I mean, I'm not the best speaker, but let's try and use proper English when we can! Plus, I just miss talking about stuff I like - music, movies, whatever. Even current events would be awesome. Instead, all anyone wants to talk about is how drunk they got at the bar the night before or whatever drama is going on at work. I just feel my brain cells leaking out all over my shoulders and I don't see a way out! No wonder I watch too much tv and read too much. What the fuck else is there to do? Where can I meet anyone new? When I do meet new people, I'm embarrassed to tell them what I do or where I work, so I don't have anything to say. I haven't done much of anything, so I have nothing to say anyway. Makes me a real exciting person to know, yeah? I'd vomit too.
The only bright spot about this full time job is that I have about two weeks of vacation to use up during the year. At least that'll give me some time to get the fuck out of this town and this job. I should really actually do something and go somewhere. But to where? I feel like some days, what friends I have sort of moved on and are doing way more exciting things. They don't want to spend time with me. I'm sorry I don't make any money and I don't drive and I don't really like to drink and I'm a big Doctor Who nerd and a classic movie fan. The saddest thing is that if I explained this to someone, they'd say I was just crazy. The problem is, no one gets it and no one seems to want to get it. No one gets me and no one wants to. Maybe that just explains it all, I guess.
Anyway, while sitting in church, I saw about three or four classmates with kids getting their first communion and I thought - am I behind the times! I thought how nice it would have been to have my own kid up there, or at least a little toddler dancing behind me in the pew. If not a child, then at least a husband/fiancé/boyfriend/someone next to me. I just felt...I don't know...alone. I feel the same way at Christmas and Easter usually. It just reminds me that being single means being alone a lot sometimes. And then I wonder if I'll ever find someone...or anyone. The way things are going...probably not.
Am also super depressed because I signed my lease for another year in my town and still have the same awful, horrible, crap retail job. There's still nothing out there to even apply for. I really need to rev up the job search again, but after last summer's crash and burn, my hopes aren't too high. But I have to find something better! Pronto! It's turned into a shitty high school Mean Girls club. My manager is an immature teenager trapped in an adult body. She'd rather gossip about boys or bitch about other employees than actually work. If she's not doing that, then she's yelling at me for not doing MY job. My supervisor used to be a work friend, but she's turned into a total kissass that does not work what so ever. If said manager and this supervisor are scheduled together, you never see them because they're off in the manager's office gossiping for HOURS. They won't answer calls or help out front at all. Or said supervisor will just disappear into other departments and ignore the front end and customer service. Yet, I get in trouble for not doing enough for customer service!
I want so badly to escape and go someplace that at least a) keeps me busy all day (this job is boring as shit), b) has smart people that don't use "ain't", "them" instead of "those" or "nothing" instead of "anything". I mean, I'm not the best speaker, but let's try and use proper English when we can! Plus, I just miss talking about stuff I like - music, movies, whatever. Even current events would be awesome. Instead, all anyone wants to talk about is how drunk they got at the bar the night before or whatever drama is going on at work. I just feel my brain cells leaking out all over my shoulders and I don't see a way out! No wonder I watch too much tv and read too much. What the fuck else is there to do? Where can I meet anyone new? When I do meet new people, I'm embarrassed to tell them what I do or where I work, so I don't have anything to say. I haven't done much of anything, so I have nothing to say anyway. Makes me a real exciting person to know, yeah? I'd vomit too.
The only bright spot about this full time job is that I have about two weeks of vacation to use up during the year. At least that'll give me some time to get the fuck out of this town and this job. I should really actually do something and go somewhere. But to where? I feel like some days, what friends I have sort of moved on and are doing way more exciting things. They don't want to spend time with me. I'm sorry I don't make any money and I don't drive and I don't really like to drink and I'm a big Doctor Who nerd and a classic movie fan. The saddest thing is that if I explained this to someone, they'd say I was just crazy. The problem is, no one gets it and no one seems to want to get it. No one gets me and no one wants to. Maybe that just explains it all, I guess.