Fic: A City Without A Soul
Title: A City Without A Soul
Characters: Thomas/Effy
Rating: MA (for language and sexual content)
Words: 4230
Summary: Thomas ends things with Pandora. Set in the summer after S3.
Disclaimer: Not my characters
Warning: A minor character dies
A/N: This is unbeta'd so any mistakes are all mine. Title from Johnny Cash 'The Wanderer'. Contains speculation over S4, but as I know nothing, no actual spoilers.
This is a bit of an experiment, in that I'm doing two things that I've never read - a fic from Thomas' POV and Thomas/Effy (though if either exist then please point me in that direction), so I'd welcome any comments of the positive/negative/indifferent variety.
He thought he could forget. But it is not as easy as that.
She smiles at him, but it is not the same anymore, something has changed. Instead of her wide, bright grin, now it is timid and uncertain. Thomas doesn’t like it, because it reminds him of what she did, and then it hurts all over again.
Thomas tries not to be angry; he is not an angry person at heart, but it is difficult to control his emotions when he can see her with Cook in his mind. Even knowing that she feels nothing for him doesn’t stop it, because she went back to him.
Thomas could forgive her a mistake. After all, they are human and he understands this, but five mistakes? Six? Seven? Countless mistakes she had made and she did not tell him, not once. That is what still hurts the most. That she lied to him over and over. What else has she hidden from him? He thought he could learn to trust her again and that things could be better again; he wanted to trust her and he wanted it to be better, but now?
He thinks that perhaps it is not possible.
He tells her, no more. He cannot feel so sad for any longer and she does not make him happy, she cannot. She is upset, and it is difficult; but sometimes things must hurt now before they can get better with time, and this is what he must remember.
---
The show, it must go on, and so must Thomas.
He works harder at the club, and they reward him by giving him an extra night. It is hard work, but it is good work. It earns him enough money to help his mother, and sometimes, if he has tips, there is enough to take Daniel and Fumi for ice cream. It changes though, because soon Daniel becomes too frail to come.
It pains Thomas to see his bright and mischievous young brother with red-rimmed eyes, unable to leave his bed. It has happened so quickly, it seemed that overnight Daniel was struck down. His body decays before them, betraying the many years he has not yet lived.
Thomas works longer and harder still so that his mother can spend her time looking after him. There is not much time left, but when there is, he finds himself thinking of her and of her smile.
---
Effy comes to one of his club nights, accompanied by Freddie. She does not say anything, simply nods her head at him, but this is ok. Thomas knows enough of her to understand that she does not hold grievance against him for what has happened.
Freddie smiles at him, clasps his hand and shakes it eagerly. “Alright, Thomas? How’s it going tonight?”
“Good. It is very busy. I am so glad you could make it. Please, go in.”
Freddie glances over his shoulder. “Look, mate, just so you know, everyone’s coming tonight, and, well,” he shrugs aimlessly. “I just wanted you to know, ok?”
Thomas feels his muscles tense up, but thanks Freddie anyway. He has time to prepare himself.
---
She arrives with Katie, Emily and Naomi. Emily and Naomi have the grace to look uncomfortable. Katie only looks impatient - that girl is always hurrying somewhere. Pandora smiles at him. Not a smile from before; still not one of those - this remains cautious - and it hurts again, but perhaps a little less.
“They do not pay,” he tells the bouncer, as he waves them through.
“Thanks, Thomas,” Emily says, and squeezes his arm as she passes.
---
Cook comes with JJ. He is grinning, and it is an evil thing, spreading across his face. “T-dog! Long time, man!”
Thomas looks at him, right in the eye, sees deep into his soul, and sees that there is no regret at all. “He pays,” he says to the bouncer.
“Aw, Tom, mate. Don’t be like that. I thought you and Panda-pops were all fixed up?”
Thomas takes a step closer and speaks in a low voice. “Pay. Or leave.”
Cook looks angry, as if he had expected Thomas to forget all of the horrific things he had done.
It is JJ who pulls him back, away from Thomas. “Come on Cook, don’t. Please don’t.” It must strike something within Cook, as he breaks eye contact and reaches into his pocket for some coins.
Thomas remains focused on his breathing. In and out - staying calm just as Pandora would do - until they have both entered.
---
Thomas sits outside during his break. It is beginning to get cold again - these pitiful summers seem to last at most a week. The air is wet, but it is not raining. He pulls his jacket closer to him while he sits on the kerbside. The music from the club provides a dull beat in the background, while there is chatter from those smoking in their roped off area. It is good to have a diversion from his thoughts. The noise provides such a distraction, that Effy’s “Hi,” next to him comes as a surprise.
“Oh. Hello.” He watches as Effy places a cigarette to her lips and clicks her lighter on. She passes it over to him, but he shakes his head.
“You ok?” She asks.
He thinks for a while on how much to say. “I miss her,” he answers. It is not a lie as such, but neither is it the full truth.
“She’s inside you know.”
“No, not her. Who she used to be. She’s different now. I like it less.”
Effy looks wistful as she takes a long drag on her cigarette. “Everything changes, Thomas.”
In and out, he tries, but it does not work anymore. Thomas clenches his fists firmly instead. “It should not.”
“But it does.” Effy is very small, the way she has hunched next to him. She reminds him of a lioness - coiled, always ready to pounce, waiting to attack.
Thomas has heard the stories. Pandora has told him of her brother and of how Effy had protected him while he was sick, helped him to get strong again, and of how Tony had left her. Family - it is the strongest bond, and Effy recognises this. Perhaps she will understand.
“My brother, he is sick. Very sick. The doctor says there is no more to be done. How? How can this be possible?” Thomas feels tears begin to sting; he cannot hold them back any longer. “This is England. England, where there are drugs to fix people, and yet…and yet they cannot fix him.”
Effy stays silent, only watches him. The ash from the cigarette that she is no longer smoking falls to the ground and smoulders there. “They said that about Tony,” she whispers eventually. “They were wrong.”
Thomas understands what she is suggesting, but she does not look as if she believes it. “The die is already cast, Effy. It is not up to them anymore.” Thomas shakes his head and looks to the sky. “What God could do this? When he cries, I want it to be me. Why can it not be me? It should not be him, it should not.”
Effy’s eyes are extremely large when he looks at them. And there is a tear - only one - trailing slowly down her cheek, and when she turns away from him -towards the ground instead - she wipes her hand across her face, and leaves dirt in its place.
“Forgive me. I am sorry, I should not have.” Effy says nothing, and so Thomas places a hand on her knee.
She grips onto it tightly, so very tightly.
---
They come to the club more often after that night.
His breaks fall at a regular time, and Effy is a clever girl, she soon works it out. They rarely talk, and it makes for a sharp contrast to how things were before, with Pandora. Thomas finds that he appreciates the quiet while his head is already so full.
---
Their silence happens for three weeks, until - one night - there is a fight.
When Thomas pushes and pulls the bodies out of the way he sees that it is Cook and Freddie who are at the core of it, arms being thrown haphazardly. It is not proper fighting; it is little boys, arguing over a toy. Their toy is standing off to the side with Pandora, watching curiously, but doing nothing to stop either of them.
As Thomas drags Freddie away from Cook, he can hear parts of the shouting over the din of thudding music. She has been with Cook again, is what Freddie believes, and Cook’s vile smile does nothing to make Thomas think he may be wrong. It does not excuse him for his actions though. “You are a mess,” he tells Freddie, as he pushes him in the direction of the toilets. “Go and clean yourself up,”
---
Thomas feels oddly let down by her. It tugs at his stomach, the realisation that she is still playing these games. He wonders if he is a part of it. He does not think so, what they share is more than games. He takes his break early; finds that the cool air on his skin helps him to slow his mind back down. He is alone for only a few moments.
“My hero,” Effy drawls from somewhere behind him.
“Do not say that.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted Thomas? To save me?”
He turns his head to look at her. Her eyes suggest she is in another universe, but she is being startlingly perceptive. “I do not know if you can be saved. You are a bad friend, Effy. A very bad friend to her. She needs her friend, and you? You are with him, with both of them.”
“No, Thomas. She needs her boyfriend, and where are you?”
It stings that, as if it were a slap to the face. “I do not want to be with her. You know that. She ruined it, it was her. You though, you are too busy pretending that you do not care, and that you do not have feelings. You are not made of stone, Effy. I know this.”
Effy shakes her head. “You don’t know me, Thomas.”
“Yes, you think that if you do not talk that no one will find out about your secrets. You are wrong, I see them.”
Effy attacks.
She kisses him, and it is angry and vicious, her teeth biting and her lips bruising, as if he is being punished, but he does not know what for. He pushes her away, looks into her wild eyes.
“Well? I thought you were going to save me Thomas. I thought you wanted to save me. Why won’t you save me?” She is still gripping onto his arms, tugging on the fabric of his jacket fiercely.
He kisses her, but this time it is everything that the first was not. “You must save yourself, Effy,” he tells her, before heading back inside and leaving her alone.
---
Daniel does not get any better. His time is approaching.
---
Effy comes alone a week after their kiss. When Thomas asks where Freddie is, she offers him a blank look, one that is calculated to appear bored and unfeeling, but one which really means she cares deeply. He holds her stare for what could be a full minute, before she eventually breaks it and replies.
“I saved myself.”
Thomas nods. “And Cook?”
“He’s saving Freddie,” Effy answers. She gestures for his spliff. They do not talk, and it is easier this way, in silence again. By the time they have finished smoking, their hands are chained together, holding on to each other desperately.
Anything to stop from sinking further.
---
It is two days after this that his mother calls.
Thomas feels the dread build in the pit of his stomach even before the second ring of his phone, and she does not need to say more than “Daniel -” for him to know.
---
Thomas does not go to work for two weeks, but he cannot put it off forever, and the bills still need to be paid. They have been considerate to him and he knows he must repay that, so he goes.
He is sent on his break, and even though he would rather be busy, they make him go. He pauses at the door when he sees Effy, with her back to the club, and smoke trailing over her shoulder.
The bouncer catches him looking. “Every night she’s been here. Never comes in mind, just stands and smokes. Daft kid, she’ll be frozen.”
Thomas acknowledges the words with a tight smile, one which does not spread to his eyes, and heads out into the cold.
He lights a cigarette and stands next to her, waits for her to speak.
“I’m sorry,” is what she eventually says, in barely a whisper.
It doesn’t change anything, but she looks as if she means it, and Thomas nods his appreciation for the sentiment. “You are a good person Effy, but you try to hide it. I cannot understand why.”
Effy shakes her head, but Thomas knows. That she is here at all shows she cares. Effy is not as good at hiding as she thinks. He takes her hand and smiles gently. She does not return his smile, but neither does she pull away, and it feels like something important.
---
They continue their routine from before, with only some small changes. She will lift the corners of her mouth when he lights her cigarette for her - just barely - but it makes him feel warmer from the inside out. Sometimes he is bold enough to brush his arm past her thigh or graze his hand over her knee. If she notices what he does she does not comment on it. Now and again he will talk a little and on occasion she will reply.
He learns things.
He learns that Effy is not like they think. She is not cold or detached or unfeeling or any of those things. He does not know what that makes her, but it is not what they say. She is quiet, yes, but this means she thinks about what she says before she says it, and it is so much more because of it.
Thomas wonders how many people really know Effy, or rather, how many people she lets know her, because it is certainly not many. He is not sure that he knows her, it may not even be possible for anyone, but he forgets that when she smiles at him, because finally it is something so real and there, and he trusts that it is patience, like with so many things, is what it will take.
---
The night that things change does not start off any differently. Weeks have passed and it is approaching the end of summer - college is looming over them.
They are sitting, facing the club, smoking in silence, watching people enter and leave the club. There is a particular girl, she is orange in colour, with hair so unnaturally blonde it is nearly white. Thomas does not understand why it is attractive, this unusual appearance, but it certainly attracts attention. This girl though, she is very drunk, and she is stumbling in her high heels and shouting at her friends and being sick against the wall. Thomas should not find it funny when she falls into the mess, but he catches Effy’s smirk and he cannot help the laughter that erupts. Once it has started, it will not stop. It is nice, to feel this way - this relaxed, this happy - for the first time in months. It’s nicer still that Effy’s laugh is real, stretches to her eyes, and it makes her look so much younger and fresher, like her worries have faded, and he briefly wonders if this is what he looks like when he laughs.
The laughter fades only after long minutes - once his sides hurt from too much of it. There is an odd space, where there are no words, only smiles to each other, and Thomas doesn’t know how else to fill it, so he leans over and presses a small kiss to the edge of her mouth. When he pulls back, Effy brings her fingers to the spot and touches it carefully. When it is clear she is not going to run, Thomas lets out a breath he did not realise he was holding in.
---
She stays that night - after his break is finished - and he can see her from where he is working - dancing alone, her eyes closed against the flashing lights - and he cannot help but watch her moving. The others between them on the floor may not be there for all he sees of them, and when she opens her eyes, it is only blue - that brilliant, bright blue of her eyes - that he makes out. She notices him looking and smirks. He knows then - if she wasn’t already certain of his feelings before, she is now.
She stretches her hand out towards him, and suddenly he becomes aware of the number of people standing between them. He pushes through the mass of bodies to reach her, but when he gets there, he is at a loss for what she wants from him. She takes control then, turning her back to him, placing his hands on her hips, drawing him close, all the while still dancing.
It is Cook who interrupts them, pulling Thomas round by the shoulder to face him. He is angry, his face contorted and his teeth are bared. “Revenge?” He shouts over the music. “That what this is? You want to get me back, so you took my fucking bird?”
He talks of her as if she is a prize, and like she belongs to him, not like she is her own person. Cook can never have cared for Effy like he said, because if he did then he would know that it is not possible to make Effy do anything unless she wanted. Thomas ignores the fact that Cook is not worth it - he needs to be taught a lesson that he has not yet learnt - so Thomas punches him. His fist meets cheekbone with a loud crack and Cook stumbles several feet backwards. By the time he has recovered well enough to respond, the bouncers have arrived to hold him back. They look at Thomas carefully, but he puts his hands up and says that he is ok - he is calm now. When he turns back to Effy, she has gone.
---
He finds her a few blocks from the club. She does not raise her head from the ground when he approaches.
“He is a stupid boy, Effy. He is wrong,” he tries, but it has no effect on her. He has a deep breath and tries again. “Where is the point in revenge? There are bigger things in this world than what they did. Do not think of me as so shallow that I would do that. I am not him.”
“You’re better than him,” she says quietly.
“And so are you Effy, please remember that.” He takes a step closer to her, and then she lifts her head properly, and sees him. Something else changes then - though Thomas does not know what it is - and he is surprised when she takes a step of her own so she is able to kiss him.
The first thing he thinks is how small she is in his arms. He is certain that if he were to squeeze too tight that he could easily break a bone. The next thing is that she is much stronger than she appears, pushing him backwards until he is pressed flat against bricks.
Then he stops thinking and starts feeling. Her mouth: hot and wet and not letting him up for air. Her hands: one undoing the buckle on his belt, pressing against him, the other over his shoulder, her fingertips resting on his neck. Her waist: how it curves under his palms, the skin smooth to his touch. He lifts her, turns her round so she is against the wall. The way her breath catches in her throat tells him that he has surprised her, and good, he is glad it is not only him who feels it. He tugs at her underwear, under her skirt, pushes it down. He’s overcome with need, and their kisses get sloppy as he lifts her leg and holds her up. It’s almost too much, the feeling of her, how she arches toward him, how he struggles to breath properly, how she grabs at his skin.
He takes her in then, in this moment - where she is not Effy with a mask, but just Effy, letting herself feel. He thinks she is beautiful, more so than ever. They come down from their high together, still pressed against one another, but Effy does not meet his eye, as if she is ashamed of letting him see her unguarded.
They part almost immediately. Effy replaces her mask, and leaves him.
---
It becomes another routine that they fall into. She still waits for him to take his break, and they smoke together, and then they meet again after his shift. They never make it to either of their houses; instead they find a dark alley.
It goes unspoken, what it makes them. They have both been burnt in the past, and while this - what is between them - is without name then it comes without expectations.
His mother would not approve, but she does not know how Effy has helped him, how he feels because of her, that he is able to get out of his bed in the morning and face the day now. How he is able to play with Fumi, and offer comfort to his mother, and go to work each day, because of her.
It’s incredible what she has done to him, woken him up to life again, and everything is so much more vibrant than he remembers it. Colours, emotions, thoughts. Everything so much more.
---
It is the last night before college is due to start. Thomas will miss the life he has created at the club, the bubble he is in with Effy. He is not sure how things will change with her; he does not even know what they are in the first instance.
When he steps outside at the end of the night, he realises it is truly the end of summer. The rain pounds into the street, but she is still standing there waiting, her hair is sticking to her face, her dress is soaked through and her teeth are chattering.
He takes his jacket off on his way over to her, puts it around her shoulders. “You waited,” he says, and though he does not mean to, he sounds surprised.
She smiles slightly in lieu of a proper response, and Thomas feels his heart swell at her actions and what she will not say, but what she shows. He kisses her, there in front of the club, the rain dripping from their faces.
As she leads him away Thomas notices they are going somewhere other than the usual place - he has come to think of it as theirs now, even though it has only been just more than a few weeks - and the streets are vaguely familiar, despite him only having been there one time before.
They arrive at Effy’s house not long after he has realised where they were headed. Thomas does not say anything as they climb the stairs to her room, or as they peel their wet clothes off or as they lie next to each other in her bed. It is the most intimate they have been - not touching, with inches of space between them, but just being.
There is no conversation about them - no conversation at all - but it feels like a concession from her, that perhaps this - them - is about more than just sex.
---
Thomas wakes early to realise that she is not lying next to him anymore; instead she is perched on the edge of the bed, increasing the distance between them. She does not yet understand that the distance doesn’t change anything.
Or perhaps it is he who does not understand. Maybe the distance doesn’t change anything, but it is simply easier to take in from afar.
“We should go to Africa,” he starts. “You would like it there, I think. There is space, much space. You can go for days without seeing a single person. And it is warm, excellent weather for those silly dresses. You could help with the goats; we could build you up strong and put some colour into your skin. Let’s go - away from England.”
She turns her head toward him. “Are you running, Thomas?”
Thomas does not look her in the eye. There is no point, she knows anyway. “My mother, and Fumi, they are going soon. They do not want to stay here. Please Effy. There is too much for both of us here. Let’s go.”
“Ok.”
Characters: Thomas/Effy
Rating: MA (for language and sexual content)
Words: 4230
Summary: Thomas ends things with Pandora. Set in the summer after S3.
Disclaimer: Not my characters
Warning: A minor character dies
A/N: This is unbeta'd so any mistakes are all mine. Title from Johnny Cash 'The Wanderer'. Contains speculation over S4, but as I know nothing, no actual spoilers.
This is a bit of an experiment, in that I'm doing two things that I've never read - a fic from Thomas' POV and Thomas/Effy (though if either exist then please point me in that direction), so I'd welcome any comments of the positive/negative/indifferent variety.
He thought he could forget. But it is not as easy as that.
She smiles at him, but it is not the same anymore, something has changed. Instead of her wide, bright grin, now it is timid and uncertain. Thomas doesn’t like it, because it reminds him of what she did, and then it hurts all over again.
Thomas tries not to be angry; he is not an angry person at heart, but it is difficult to control his emotions when he can see her with Cook in his mind. Even knowing that she feels nothing for him doesn’t stop it, because she went back to him.
Thomas could forgive her a mistake. After all, they are human and he understands this, but five mistakes? Six? Seven? Countless mistakes she had made and she did not tell him, not once. That is what still hurts the most. That she lied to him over and over. What else has she hidden from him? He thought he could learn to trust her again and that things could be better again; he wanted to trust her and he wanted it to be better, but now?
He thinks that perhaps it is not possible.
He tells her, no more. He cannot feel so sad for any longer and she does not make him happy, she cannot. She is upset, and it is difficult; but sometimes things must hurt now before they can get better with time, and this is what he must remember.
---
The show, it must go on, and so must Thomas.
He works harder at the club, and they reward him by giving him an extra night. It is hard work, but it is good work. It earns him enough money to help his mother, and sometimes, if he has tips, there is enough to take Daniel and Fumi for ice cream. It changes though, because soon Daniel becomes too frail to come.
It pains Thomas to see his bright and mischievous young brother with red-rimmed eyes, unable to leave his bed. It has happened so quickly, it seemed that overnight Daniel was struck down. His body decays before them, betraying the many years he has not yet lived.
Thomas works longer and harder still so that his mother can spend her time looking after him. There is not much time left, but when there is, he finds himself thinking of her and of her smile.
---
Effy comes to one of his club nights, accompanied by Freddie. She does not say anything, simply nods her head at him, but this is ok. Thomas knows enough of her to understand that she does not hold grievance against him for what has happened.
Freddie smiles at him, clasps his hand and shakes it eagerly. “Alright, Thomas? How’s it going tonight?”
“Good. It is very busy. I am so glad you could make it. Please, go in.”
Freddie glances over his shoulder. “Look, mate, just so you know, everyone’s coming tonight, and, well,” he shrugs aimlessly. “I just wanted you to know, ok?”
Thomas feels his muscles tense up, but thanks Freddie anyway. He has time to prepare himself.
---
She arrives with Katie, Emily and Naomi. Emily and Naomi have the grace to look uncomfortable. Katie only looks impatient - that girl is always hurrying somewhere. Pandora smiles at him. Not a smile from before; still not one of those - this remains cautious - and it hurts again, but perhaps a little less.
“They do not pay,” he tells the bouncer, as he waves them through.
“Thanks, Thomas,” Emily says, and squeezes his arm as she passes.
---
Cook comes with JJ. He is grinning, and it is an evil thing, spreading across his face. “T-dog! Long time, man!”
Thomas looks at him, right in the eye, sees deep into his soul, and sees that there is no regret at all. “He pays,” he says to the bouncer.
“Aw, Tom, mate. Don’t be like that. I thought you and Panda-pops were all fixed up?”
Thomas takes a step closer and speaks in a low voice. “Pay. Or leave.”
Cook looks angry, as if he had expected Thomas to forget all of the horrific things he had done.
It is JJ who pulls him back, away from Thomas. “Come on Cook, don’t. Please don’t.” It must strike something within Cook, as he breaks eye contact and reaches into his pocket for some coins.
Thomas remains focused on his breathing. In and out - staying calm just as Pandora would do - until they have both entered.
---
Thomas sits outside during his break. It is beginning to get cold again - these pitiful summers seem to last at most a week. The air is wet, but it is not raining. He pulls his jacket closer to him while he sits on the kerbside. The music from the club provides a dull beat in the background, while there is chatter from those smoking in their roped off area. It is good to have a diversion from his thoughts. The noise provides such a distraction, that Effy’s “Hi,” next to him comes as a surprise.
“Oh. Hello.” He watches as Effy places a cigarette to her lips and clicks her lighter on. She passes it over to him, but he shakes his head.
“You ok?” She asks.
He thinks for a while on how much to say. “I miss her,” he answers. It is not a lie as such, but neither is it the full truth.
“She’s inside you know.”
“No, not her. Who she used to be. She’s different now. I like it less.”
Effy looks wistful as she takes a long drag on her cigarette. “Everything changes, Thomas.”
In and out, he tries, but it does not work anymore. Thomas clenches his fists firmly instead. “It should not.”
“But it does.” Effy is very small, the way she has hunched next to him. She reminds him of a lioness - coiled, always ready to pounce, waiting to attack.
Thomas has heard the stories. Pandora has told him of her brother and of how Effy had protected him while he was sick, helped him to get strong again, and of how Tony had left her. Family - it is the strongest bond, and Effy recognises this. Perhaps she will understand.
“My brother, he is sick. Very sick. The doctor says there is no more to be done. How? How can this be possible?” Thomas feels tears begin to sting; he cannot hold them back any longer. “This is England. England, where there are drugs to fix people, and yet…and yet they cannot fix him.”
Effy stays silent, only watches him. The ash from the cigarette that she is no longer smoking falls to the ground and smoulders there. “They said that about Tony,” she whispers eventually. “They were wrong.”
Thomas understands what she is suggesting, but she does not look as if she believes it. “The die is already cast, Effy. It is not up to them anymore.” Thomas shakes his head and looks to the sky. “What God could do this? When he cries, I want it to be me. Why can it not be me? It should not be him, it should not.”
Effy’s eyes are extremely large when he looks at them. And there is a tear - only one - trailing slowly down her cheek, and when she turns away from him -towards the ground instead - she wipes her hand across her face, and leaves dirt in its place.
“Forgive me. I am sorry, I should not have.” Effy says nothing, and so Thomas places a hand on her knee.
She grips onto it tightly, so very tightly.
---
They come to the club more often after that night.
His breaks fall at a regular time, and Effy is a clever girl, she soon works it out. They rarely talk, and it makes for a sharp contrast to how things were before, with Pandora. Thomas finds that he appreciates the quiet while his head is already so full.
---
Their silence happens for three weeks, until - one night - there is a fight.
When Thomas pushes and pulls the bodies out of the way he sees that it is Cook and Freddie who are at the core of it, arms being thrown haphazardly. It is not proper fighting; it is little boys, arguing over a toy. Their toy is standing off to the side with Pandora, watching curiously, but doing nothing to stop either of them.
As Thomas drags Freddie away from Cook, he can hear parts of the shouting over the din of thudding music. She has been with Cook again, is what Freddie believes, and Cook’s vile smile does nothing to make Thomas think he may be wrong. It does not excuse him for his actions though. “You are a mess,” he tells Freddie, as he pushes him in the direction of the toilets. “Go and clean yourself up,”
---
Thomas feels oddly let down by her. It tugs at his stomach, the realisation that she is still playing these games. He wonders if he is a part of it. He does not think so, what they share is more than games. He takes his break early; finds that the cool air on his skin helps him to slow his mind back down. He is alone for only a few moments.
“My hero,” Effy drawls from somewhere behind him.
“Do not say that.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted Thomas? To save me?”
He turns his head to look at her. Her eyes suggest she is in another universe, but she is being startlingly perceptive. “I do not know if you can be saved. You are a bad friend, Effy. A very bad friend to her. She needs her friend, and you? You are with him, with both of them.”
“No, Thomas. She needs her boyfriend, and where are you?”
It stings that, as if it were a slap to the face. “I do not want to be with her. You know that. She ruined it, it was her. You though, you are too busy pretending that you do not care, and that you do not have feelings. You are not made of stone, Effy. I know this.”
Effy shakes her head. “You don’t know me, Thomas.”
“Yes, you think that if you do not talk that no one will find out about your secrets. You are wrong, I see them.”
Effy attacks.
She kisses him, and it is angry and vicious, her teeth biting and her lips bruising, as if he is being punished, but he does not know what for. He pushes her away, looks into her wild eyes.
“Well? I thought you were going to save me Thomas. I thought you wanted to save me. Why won’t you save me?” She is still gripping onto his arms, tugging on the fabric of his jacket fiercely.
He kisses her, but this time it is everything that the first was not. “You must save yourself, Effy,” he tells her, before heading back inside and leaving her alone.
---
Daniel does not get any better. His time is approaching.
---
Effy comes alone a week after their kiss. When Thomas asks where Freddie is, she offers him a blank look, one that is calculated to appear bored and unfeeling, but one which really means she cares deeply. He holds her stare for what could be a full minute, before she eventually breaks it and replies.
“I saved myself.”
Thomas nods. “And Cook?”
“He’s saving Freddie,” Effy answers. She gestures for his spliff. They do not talk, and it is easier this way, in silence again. By the time they have finished smoking, their hands are chained together, holding on to each other desperately.
Anything to stop from sinking further.
---
It is two days after this that his mother calls.
Thomas feels the dread build in the pit of his stomach even before the second ring of his phone, and she does not need to say more than “Daniel -” for him to know.
---
Thomas does not go to work for two weeks, but he cannot put it off forever, and the bills still need to be paid. They have been considerate to him and he knows he must repay that, so he goes.
He is sent on his break, and even though he would rather be busy, they make him go. He pauses at the door when he sees Effy, with her back to the club, and smoke trailing over her shoulder.
The bouncer catches him looking. “Every night she’s been here. Never comes in mind, just stands and smokes. Daft kid, she’ll be frozen.”
Thomas acknowledges the words with a tight smile, one which does not spread to his eyes, and heads out into the cold.
He lights a cigarette and stands next to her, waits for her to speak.
“I’m sorry,” is what she eventually says, in barely a whisper.
It doesn’t change anything, but she looks as if she means it, and Thomas nods his appreciation for the sentiment. “You are a good person Effy, but you try to hide it. I cannot understand why.”
Effy shakes her head, but Thomas knows. That she is here at all shows she cares. Effy is not as good at hiding as she thinks. He takes her hand and smiles gently. She does not return his smile, but neither does she pull away, and it feels like something important.
---
They continue their routine from before, with only some small changes. She will lift the corners of her mouth when he lights her cigarette for her - just barely - but it makes him feel warmer from the inside out. Sometimes he is bold enough to brush his arm past her thigh or graze his hand over her knee. If she notices what he does she does not comment on it. Now and again he will talk a little and on occasion she will reply.
He learns things.
He learns that Effy is not like they think. She is not cold or detached or unfeeling or any of those things. He does not know what that makes her, but it is not what they say. She is quiet, yes, but this means she thinks about what she says before she says it, and it is so much more because of it.
Thomas wonders how many people really know Effy, or rather, how many people she lets know her, because it is certainly not many. He is not sure that he knows her, it may not even be possible for anyone, but he forgets that when she smiles at him, because finally it is something so real and there, and he trusts that it is patience, like with so many things, is what it will take.
---
The night that things change does not start off any differently. Weeks have passed and it is approaching the end of summer - college is looming over them.
They are sitting, facing the club, smoking in silence, watching people enter and leave the club. There is a particular girl, she is orange in colour, with hair so unnaturally blonde it is nearly white. Thomas does not understand why it is attractive, this unusual appearance, but it certainly attracts attention. This girl though, she is very drunk, and she is stumbling in her high heels and shouting at her friends and being sick against the wall. Thomas should not find it funny when she falls into the mess, but he catches Effy’s smirk and he cannot help the laughter that erupts. Once it has started, it will not stop. It is nice, to feel this way - this relaxed, this happy - for the first time in months. It’s nicer still that Effy’s laugh is real, stretches to her eyes, and it makes her look so much younger and fresher, like her worries have faded, and he briefly wonders if this is what he looks like when he laughs.
The laughter fades only after long minutes - once his sides hurt from too much of it. There is an odd space, where there are no words, only smiles to each other, and Thomas doesn’t know how else to fill it, so he leans over and presses a small kiss to the edge of her mouth. When he pulls back, Effy brings her fingers to the spot and touches it carefully. When it is clear she is not going to run, Thomas lets out a breath he did not realise he was holding in.
---
She stays that night - after his break is finished - and he can see her from where he is working - dancing alone, her eyes closed against the flashing lights - and he cannot help but watch her moving. The others between them on the floor may not be there for all he sees of them, and when she opens her eyes, it is only blue - that brilliant, bright blue of her eyes - that he makes out. She notices him looking and smirks. He knows then - if she wasn’t already certain of his feelings before, she is now.
She stretches her hand out towards him, and suddenly he becomes aware of the number of people standing between them. He pushes through the mass of bodies to reach her, but when he gets there, he is at a loss for what she wants from him. She takes control then, turning her back to him, placing his hands on her hips, drawing him close, all the while still dancing.
It is Cook who interrupts them, pulling Thomas round by the shoulder to face him. He is angry, his face contorted and his teeth are bared. “Revenge?” He shouts over the music. “That what this is? You want to get me back, so you took my fucking bird?”
He talks of her as if she is a prize, and like she belongs to him, not like she is her own person. Cook can never have cared for Effy like he said, because if he did then he would know that it is not possible to make Effy do anything unless she wanted. Thomas ignores the fact that Cook is not worth it - he needs to be taught a lesson that he has not yet learnt - so Thomas punches him. His fist meets cheekbone with a loud crack and Cook stumbles several feet backwards. By the time he has recovered well enough to respond, the bouncers have arrived to hold him back. They look at Thomas carefully, but he puts his hands up and says that he is ok - he is calm now. When he turns back to Effy, she has gone.
---
He finds her a few blocks from the club. She does not raise her head from the ground when he approaches.
“He is a stupid boy, Effy. He is wrong,” he tries, but it has no effect on her. He has a deep breath and tries again. “Where is the point in revenge? There are bigger things in this world than what they did. Do not think of me as so shallow that I would do that. I am not him.”
“You’re better than him,” she says quietly.
“And so are you Effy, please remember that.” He takes a step closer to her, and then she lifts her head properly, and sees him. Something else changes then - though Thomas does not know what it is - and he is surprised when she takes a step of her own so she is able to kiss him.
The first thing he thinks is how small she is in his arms. He is certain that if he were to squeeze too tight that he could easily break a bone. The next thing is that she is much stronger than she appears, pushing him backwards until he is pressed flat against bricks.
Then he stops thinking and starts feeling. Her mouth: hot and wet and not letting him up for air. Her hands: one undoing the buckle on his belt, pressing against him, the other over his shoulder, her fingertips resting on his neck. Her waist: how it curves under his palms, the skin smooth to his touch. He lifts her, turns her round so she is against the wall. The way her breath catches in her throat tells him that he has surprised her, and good, he is glad it is not only him who feels it. He tugs at her underwear, under her skirt, pushes it down. He’s overcome with need, and their kisses get sloppy as he lifts her leg and holds her up. It’s almost too much, the feeling of her, how she arches toward him, how he struggles to breath properly, how she grabs at his skin.
He takes her in then, in this moment - where she is not Effy with a mask, but just Effy, letting herself feel. He thinks she is beautiful, more so than ever. They come down from their high together, still pressed against one another, but Effy does not meet his eye, as if she is ashamed of letting him see her unguarded.
They part almost immediately. Effy replaces her mask, and leaves him.
---
It becomes another routine that they fall into. She still waits for him to take his break, and they smoke together, and then they meet again after his shift. They never make it to either of their houses; instead they find a dark alley.
It goes unspoken, what it makes them. They have both been burnt in the past, and while this - what is between them - is without name then it comes without expectations.
His mother would not approve, but she does not know how Effy has helped him, how he feels because of her, that he is able to get out of his bed in the morning and face the day now. How he is able to play with Fumi, and offer comfort to his mother, and go to work each day, because of her.
It’s incredible what she has done to him, woken him up to life again, and everything is so much more vibrant than he remembers it. Colours, emotions, thoughts. Everything so much more.
---
It is the last night before college is due to start. Thomas will miss the life he has created at the club, the bubble he is in with Effy. He is not sure how things will change with her; he does not even know what they are in the first instance.
When he steps outside at the end of the night, he realises it is truly the end of summer. The rain pounds into the street, but she is still standing there waiting, her hair is sticking to her face, her dress is soaked through and her teeth are chattering.
He takes his jacket off on his way over to her, puts it around her shoulders. “You waited,” he says, and though he does not mean to, he sounds surprised.
She smiles slightly in lieu of a proper response, and Thomas feels his heart swell at her actions and what she will not say, but what she shows. He kisses her, there in front of the club, the rain dripping from their faces.
As she leads him away Thomas notices they are going somewhere other than the usual place - he has come to think of it as theirs now, even though it has only been just more than a few weeks - and the streets are vaguely familiar, despite him only having been there one time before.
They arrive at Effy’s house not long after he has realised where they were headed. Thomas does not say anything as they climb the stairs to her room, or as they peel their wet clothes off or as they lie next to each other in her bed. It is the most intimate they have been - not touching, with inches of space between them, but just being.
There is no conversation about them - no conversation at all - but it feels like a concession from her, that perhaps this - them - is about more than just sex.
---
Thomas wakes early to realise that she is not lying next to him anymore; instead she is perched on the edge of the bed, increasing the distance between them. She does not yet understand that the distance doesn’t change anything.
Or perhaps it is he who does not understand. Maybe the distance doesn’t change anything, but it is simply easier to take in from afar.
“We should go to Africa,” he starts. “You would like it there, I think. There is space, much space. You can go for days without seeing a single person. And it is warm, excellent weather for those silly dresses. You could help with the goats; we could build you up strong and put some colour into your skin. Let’s go - away from England.”
She turns her head toward him. “Are you running, Thomas?”
Thomas does not look her in the eye. There is no point, she knows anyway. “My mother, and Fumi, they are going soon. They do not want to stay here. Please Effy. There is too much for both of us here. Let’s go.”
“Ok.”