Fic: Street Spirit
Title: The Bends
Chapter title: Street Spirit (Part 6/12)
Characters: Effy/JJ
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3263
Summary: Before we go under and fade out again
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Street Spirit'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
---
He gets locked on; of course he does, because he’s a fucking retarded titting cockhead. Effy doesn’t do anything do anything to help, she just lights a cigarette and slouches back against his headboard and if JJ wasn’t already so locked on about the Freddie thing, then he’d be getting pretty locked on about her smoking in his room right now because his mother would not approve.
He only focuses on his breathing, deep breaths in and out, and he’s calmed himself down considerably by the time Effy’s finished her cigarette, but he’s still not quite there when she uncurls her legs from under herself, and gets up to go. She only pauses for a split second when she reaches the door. “Let me know,” is what she says, without turning round to look at him, and then she leaves.
JJ doesn’t even know what she means. Doesn’t know what she wants him to tell her at all, and everything is completely overwhelming. And everything is completely and utterly too much for him to handle. He wants to cry, would really like to just stop his brain from working overtime in its attempt to process everything that’s just happened, but he can’t because as soon as he stops thinking about Freddie then he thinks about Effy, and as soon as he stops thinking about Effy then he starts thinking about Freddie, and it’s exhausting, this back and forth.
JJ can’t help it, doesn’t know how to stop it when he feels it start to happen. It starts slowly, building from his temples, and he can feel it, as it travels down through his neck and along his arms until its reached his hands, and JJ has no control over them now, he can’t stop them from pushing everything off his desk, throwing all of his papers across the room.
He sees it all happen in a maddening slow motion, as if he’s watching himself perform these actions from above, watching his legs moving and kicking out at his bed, lashing out at anything within reach, his models, his papers, his box of past diary recordings, he’s just watching himself destroy everything he can, anything in reach. And he watches himself until his movements begin to slow down and he’s physically exhausted and he sinks to his knees because he can’t stand anymore. He just can’t do it.
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything anymore.
---
It’s no better in the morning. It might not be better ever again.
---
He doesn’t notice his mum knocking on his door and he doesn’t notice her coming into his bedroom until she’s sitting down next to him on his bed. “JJ, are you alright? Did you boys have a fight again?”
JJ shakes his head, but doesn’t turn around to look at her, because if he does then she’ll know that it’s a lie.
“I could phone Leo and see how Freddie is? I bet he’s as upset over whatever this is as you are.”
“No! Don’t do that.”
“Well, at least get out of bed and help me tidy up this mess then.”
JJ sighs, but his mum is right, it is after ten o’clock in the morning after all, and lying in bed is not normally a part of his routine.
---
JJ loves his mum, he really does.
But he also finds it somewhat annoying that she knows him so well, and it only takes her half an hour to convince him that he should go and see Freddie. It’s almost impressive that she doesn’t even know what they’ve fought about, or even had to make him confirm that they’d had a fight, and yet she knows what to say to make him think about what’s for the best, and it’s for the best to try and make up with Freddie, because after all, they’ve been best friends since they were six.
So JJ promises his mum that he’ll go and see Freddie after lunch, and she promises to make him his favourite ham and tomato sandwich to set him on his way.
It’s how they work best.
---
Freddie says nothing when he enters the shed, only shifts his eyes up and watches as JJ tentatively shuffles in.
It’s messy, the shed, it’s always been messy, and it’s somewhat of a relief now, because it means there’s lots for him to look at that doesn’t involve Freddie’s face. There’s butts scattered everywhere - seven that JJ can see in one pile alone - and there’s magazines pilled, laying open on pictures of topless models and there’s a patterned ribbon poking out from the sofa, and there’s twenty cans of lager that JJ presumes are empty, because it would be rather unlike Freddie to leave any leftovers and then there’s the bottle they used to pee in, which is definitely not empty.
“What are you doing here?” Freddie says eventually.
“My mum said you’d be upset -”
“Your mum?” Freddie scoffs. “Oh great, nice one, your mum gives a shit. That’s excellent Jay. Fucking fantastic.”
It’s not fair, that Freddie thinks that he doesn’t care. It’s not true, and JJ doesn’t like that he thinks it, because actually, JJ cares a lot about Freddie, even though he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t anymore because of how Freddie’s treated him, but he can’t help it. “I…I give a shit.”
Freddie inhales, and throws his head back. JJ thinks that maybe now this is the time for him to explain. Or, actually, to try to explain, because he’s not really sure how he’s going to go about it, not even sure about where to start.
“It’s not what it looks like,” he says, lowering his gaze back to the floor.
“No? And how does it look Jay?” Freddie stands up, and spreads his arms widely. “Go on, ’cause, to me, that looked like you were back there kissing my -” He stops midsentence.
JJ looks up then, and sees that Freddie’s clenching his jaw. JJ’s angry now, angry that Freddie still thinks that he has some sort of a claim on Effy, and he clenches his own muscles, his fists, down by his side. “Your what? She’s not yours Freddie. She’s not your girlfriend, or your friend, or your anything, and she never was.”
“Right, so she’s yours is she? What the fuck are you on JJ? What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”
It’s a good question really, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing in the slightest, and hasn’t ever really known when it comes to Effy. But he does know that Effy’s made things better than they have been for a long time just by being there, and it’s more than Freddie’s done lately, and it’s more than Cook’s done either, and she’s more his friend than both of them now.
It’s silly, probably, that he feels angry about that, because he’s got Effy because of that chain of events, but if Cook and Freddie would have just been his friends - his real and proper friends, not this pretend version - then they’d never have had to go through all the bad stuff to get here, where he doesn’t know if it can be fixed. And he misses them as his friends, and this was their entire fault in the start anyway, and not his. And it’s frustrating that Freddie wants to blame him for it all, when it wasn’t, it really wasn’t his fault, and he can feel that rage coming pounding back. “You cocked it up! It was you, you and Cook just fucked everything up, and I didn’t have anyone, and she didn’t have anyone and then…we just…we had each other.”
“Fuck’s sake, she’s using you.”
“She’s not,” JJ’s sure she’s not, she wouldn’t do that. Effy’s not like that, and Freddie’s just jealous.
Freddie shakes his head, perches on the edge of the sofa and reaches for the tin box that contains his weed. “How long?” He asks, focusing on rolling the joint.
JJ panics, because he doesn’t know what Freddie wants to know. How long has he liked Effy? Or maybe how long since he first kissed Effy? Or does he want to know when they first -
“How long?” Freddie asks again, looking up.
JJ clenches his fists until he can feel his nails digging into the palm of his hands, but it doesn’t distract him from his mental anguish. “Two months…and nine days.”
Freddie shakes his head again. “I can’t believe this Jay. After all that shit before, and everything with her, you go and pull this? That how you like treating your mates, is it?”
“It’s how you treated me,” JJ blurts out. “I mean…you’re not my friend Freddie, are you? I don’t think so, not really. If you were my friend then you’d talk to me. And you’d ask me how I was and you’d care about the answer. But you don’t talk to me. And you don’t ask me, and you don’t care. And you don’t care about Cook either. Where were you? At college, where do you go that you won’t talk to me?”
Freddie sighs. “It’s not…Look, I’ve been busy yeah. I can’t just fucking drop everything. We’re not kids anymore. You’ve gotta look after yourself.”
And that’s when it clicks.
The pieces fit together and this is why he’s been struggling with Freddie for so long. That’s it; it’s all he is to Freddie. A little kid to follow him around and for him to play with when he can be bothered but who holds him back from doing real things. He’s just someone to put up with.
But before he can say any of this then Freddie’s phone rings, and after checking the screen and with a quick glance at JJ, he answers it. Of course he does, because whoever it is must be more important than JJ, because JJ’s not very important to Freddie, he knows that now.
JJ tries not to listen to his conversation, because it’s rude to do that, but he can’t not hear Freddie’s side of things. “Hi…no, you can’t…it’s just not a good time. Look, I’ll bring it round later, ok?”
JJ doesn’t think that Freddie’s even that bothered about him being there, and he thinks that he’s probably said everything that he needs to say, so he turns to go.
“Jay, wait,” Freddie calls out. “Does Cook know?”
JJ looks down at his shoes. “No,” he whispers.
“Well, are you gonna tell him?”
JJ doesn’t know, so he doesn’t reply.
“JJ? You’d fucking better tell him. He’s your mate, he deserves to know.”
It’s wrong, Freddie’s wrong. “Neither of you deserve anything,” JJ answers bitterly, before pushing the door to the shed open.
---
He goes to Effy’s house, because he doesn’t want to go home and face a quiz from his mum about what just happened.
She opens the door wordlessly, and then heads to the kitchen without inviting him in, and though he hesitates a little, he’s fairly sure that it’s ok to follow now. She pours some mango juice, places it in front of him and sits down.
“Freddie says you’re using me.”
“Maybe,” she says, leaning across for an ashtray and sliding it into reach.
“No, that’s definitely what he said. Oh.” JJ watches as Effy slouches back in her chair, looking more at ease with a lit cigarette in hand. “Are you then? Are you using me?”
“Don’t we all use each other?” She retorts.
It’s a good point, because JJ feels better when he’s around Effy, so maybe that’s one of the reasons that he likes to spend time with her, and technically then that means that he uses her to feel better, and so if she feels better around him, then it’s a good thing, and not a bad thing like Freddie said.
“I want you to keep using me then. Because Cook and Freddie used me as a back up friend, a pretend friend, and at least with you then I feel like maybe you don’t think that I hold you back.”
Effy’s focused on his hands on the table, and maybe she’d going to hold them, maybe she’s going to reach out to him. She does, almost. She stretches a hand over and extends a finger, and just touches, doesn’t move it at all, but JJ inexplicably feels better.
“I’m going to tell Cook. About…this.”
If Effy flinches, then JJ doesn’t see it. “Fine,” is what she says.
---
He’s definitely going to tell Cook, because he can’t feel worse than he currently does about everything, and so even if he’ll only feel one percent better then it’ll be worth it, but he’s nervous about it. He’s always found Freddie easier to deal with of the two. Possibly because JJ needs time to take things in slowly and at his own pace, and normally with Freddie then he gets to do that. But with Cook, everything happens too fast and everything’s loud and brash and everything about Cook happens all at once.
And sometimes in the past, if he couldn’t keep up with Cook then he would just be told what to do. And it was fine, because it used to make him feel that he was being normal and living a life that everyone else has. But JJ’s realised that it wasn’t very helpful when Cook told him what to do, because then everything was what Cook wanted, and never what JJ wanted.
And then he thinks about Effy, and how she’s maybe a bit of both. Because she’s exciting and she pushes him to do more things and to get better at people, but she also gives him lots of time to take it in and it’s rarely over the top, unlike Cook. And it strengthens his resolve to speak to Cook about Effy. It’s just that he’s not very sure how to because Cook is highly unlikely to have a good reaction to his news, but he thinks he has an idea.
He’ll talk to Emily, because he doesn’t have a brother, but he thinks that Cook’s quite close to being a brother, and Emily has a sister who was angry that she was with someone that Katie thought she shouldn’t be, but that worked out ok, so some advice would definitely be helpful. And he can prepare himself properly for the battle that will undoubtedly follow.
Emily spends all her time at college with Naomi though, and he doesn’t really want to have this conversation with her present, because he’s sure she’ll laugh, so he has to get Emily alone so he can talk to her.
He approaches them during lunch. “Um, excuse me? Emily?”
Naomi turns round and looks at him before answering, “What do you want?” with a scowl that makes JJ flinch, which is less that friendly of her, and he wonders if she is still angry about his sleeping with Emily. Maybe he should explain exactly what happened there, because it really wasn’t his fault, and Emily has made it perfectly clear that it’s Naomi she likes shagging, and not him and that his was just a charity, once in a lifetime opportunity which he couldn’t really turn down, because she asked, and she is very attractive, and she was partway naked in his bed. And maybe if Naomi knew this then she’d understand how it would have been impossible for him to say no to having sex with her. And of course, he could explain to her that he’s actually having a plentiful amount of sex with Effy, and so he doesn’t want to have any more sex with her girlfriend because he’s got one of his own.
“Actually Naomi -”
“Right, come on JJ,” Emily interrupts, her eyes flitting between them both. “We’ll go over here.”
“Ok, I need some advice,” he says when they’re far enough of a distance away. “From you, I mean. About Katie. Well, not specifically about Katie but -”
“Get on with it Jay.”
“Right, well, I need to tell Cook something that he won’t like, and Katie’s a bit like Cook, because they’re both quite loud, and I was just wondering how you told Katie about the something that she didn’t like, so that now she doesn’t mind the something, I mean, Naomi.”
Emily furrows her eyebrows. “What are -”
“I can’t say,” he breaks her off hurriedly.
“Ok, well, you just have to be clear JJ, and make sure he understands what you’re telling him. Make sure you know it’s what you want, ok?”
“Yes. Yes, ok. Thanks Emily.”
“JJ? Be careful yeah?”
JJ smiles. “Of course.”
Emily smiles back, but then Katie finds them. “Ems! Christ I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Come on, we’ve got History yeah, and you need to help me with this shitting coursework.”
Emily pulls a face. “Good luck then.”
JJ blinks a few times as they walk away and he has the slow realisation that he’s not the only one that’s been keeping secrets.
---
He knows he’ll find Cook at uncle Keith’s, because Cook spends most of his time in a pub, and probability dictates this is the one.
Cook’s drunk when he gets there. Really, very drunk. So much so that JJ can smell the alcohol on his breath even before Cook’s noticed him. When he does spot JJ though, he throws his arms wide and calls out, “Jay! Mate, come ‘ere, quick, come and look at this.”
JJ is a bit cautious, but takes a step closer.
“Watch this Jenkins, fucking top right,” he says, motioning at the woman behind the bar. “Alright Christina love, need another bag of them nut things.”
“Cook -”
“Nah, honestly mate, just watch when she bends over, fucking hell you’ll cop an eyeful. Be locked on for days, look at that!”
“Cook, Effy’s my girlfriend.”
Cook averts his eyes from Christina’s backside to look at JJ properly, his eyes taking a while time to focus, and then spits some beer out and then he. And then he laughs. “Fuck me Jay, I don’t understand you half the time, but you’re fucking hilarious!”
“What? Cook, I’m serious. She has a mole under her right breast. And she has a scar under her hairline, which Tony gave her when she was little. And she -” JJ stops though, because Cook’s stopped laughing now, and instead he looks a lot more sober than he did a minute ago.
It seems to happen in slow motion, though of course it doesn’t really, and in fact it’s just that he has a heightened sense of awareness, but he notices all of the little details of it as it happens.
Like the way Cook’s fist clenches until his knuckles crack. And the way they turn white because the blood can’t get through. How the bar stool topples over because he stands up too quickly, making it unbalanced. That it takes him two steps to get close enough. And the motion of him pulling his elbow back all the way is creating kinetic energy much like a wind up toy would. How Cook bares his teeth and his face is red and his eyes are much more narrow than usual, the grunt he makes when he pushes his fist through the air, and how JJ can’t hear anything at all as it comes towards him.
The explosion of sound as the punch lands on his cheekbone.
---
7. Bones
Chapter title: Street Spirit (Part 6/12)
Characters: Effy/JJ
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3263
Summary: Before we go under and fade out again
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Street Spirit'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
---
He gets locked on; of course he does, because he’s a fucking retarded titting cockhead. Effy doesn’t do anything do anything to help, she just lights a cigarette and slouches back against his headboard and if JJ wasn’t already so locked on about the Freddie thing, then he’d be getting pretty locked on about her smoking in his room right now because his mother would not approve.
He only focuses on his breathing, deep breaths in and out, and he’s calmed himself down considerably by the time Effy’s finished her cigarette, but he’s still not quite there when she uncurls her legs from under herself, and gets up to go. She only pauses for a split second when she reaches the door. “Let me know,” is what she says, without turning round to look at him, and then she leaves.
JJ doesn’t even know what she means. Doesn’t know what she wants him to tell her at all, and everything is completely overwhelming. And everything is completely and utterly too much for him to handle. He wants to cry, would really like to just stop his brain from working overtime in its attempt to process everything that’s just happened, but he can’t because as soon as he stops thinking about Freddie then he thinks about Effy, and as soon as he stops thinking about Effy then he starts thinking about Freddie, and it’s exhausting, this back and forth.
JJ can’t help it, doesn’t know how to stop it when he feels it start to happen. It starts slowly, building from his temples, and he can feel it, as it travels down through his neck and along his arms until its reached his hands, and JJ has no control over them now, he can’t stop them from pushing everything off his desk, throwing all of his papers across the room.
He sees it all happen in a maddening slow motion, as if he’s watching himself perform these actions from above, watching his legs moving and kicking out at his bed, lashing out at anything within reach, his models, his papers, his box of past diary recordings, he’s just watching himself destroy everything he can, anything in reach. And he watches himself until his movements begin to slow down and he’s physically exhausted and he sinks to his knees because he can’t stand anymore. He just can’t do it.
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything anymore.
---
It’s no better in the morning. It might not be better ever again.
---
He doesn’t notice his mum knocking on his door and he doesn’t notice her coming into his bedroom until she’s sitting down next to him on his bed. “JJ, are you alright? Did you boys have a fight again?”
JJ shakes his head, but doesn’t turn around to look at her, because if he does then she’ll know that it’s a lie.
“I could phone Leo and see how Freddie is? I bet he’s as upset over whatever this is as you are.”
“No! Don’t do that.”
“Well, at least get out of bed and help me tidy up this mess then.”
JJ sighs, but his mum is right, it is after ten o’clock in the morning after all, and lying in bed is not normally a part of his routine.
---
JJ loves his mum, he really does.
But he also finds it somewhat annoying that she knows him so well, and it only takes her half an hour to convince him that he should go and see Freddie. It’s almost impressive that she doesn’t even know what they’ve fought about, or even had to make him confirm that they’d had a fight, and yet she knows what to say to make him think about what’s for the best, and it’s for the best to try and make up with Freddie, because after all, they’ve been best friends since they were six.
So JJ promises his mum that he’ll go and see Freddie after lunch, and she promises to make him his favourite ham and tomato sandwich to set him on his way.
It’s how they work best.
---
Freddie says nothing when he enters the shed, only shifts his eyes up and watches as JJ tentatively shuffles in.
It’s messy, the shed, it’s always been messy, and it’s somewhat of a relief now, because it means there’s lots for him to look at that doesn’t involve Freddie’s face. There’s butts scattered everywhere - seven that JJ can see in one pile alone - and there’s magazines pilled, laying open on pictures of topless models and there’s a patterned ribbon poking out from the sofa, and there’s twenty cans of lager that JJ presumes are empty, because it would be rather unlike Freddie to leave any leftovers and then there’s the bottle they used to pee in, which is definitely not empty.
“What are you doing here?” Freddie says eventually.
“My mum said you’d be upset -”
“Your mum?” Freddie scoffs. “Oh great, nice one, your mum gives a shit. That’s excellent Jay. Fucking fantastic.”
It’s not fair, that Freddie thinks that he doesn’t care. It’s not true, and JJ doesn’t like that he thinks it, because actually, JJ cares a lot about Freddie, even though he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t anymore because of how Freddie’s treated him, but he can’t help it. “I…I give a shit.”
Freddie inhales, and throws his head back. JJ thinks that maybe now this is the time for him to explain. Or, actually, to try to explain, because he’s not really sure how he’s going to go about it, not even sure about where to start.
“It’s not what it looks like,” he says, lowering his gaze back to the floor.
“No? And how does it look Jay?” Freddie stands up, and spreads his arms widely. “Go on, ’cause, to me, that looked like you were back there kissing my -” He stops midsentence.
JJ looks up then, and sees that Freddie’s clenching his jaw. JJ’s angry now, angry that Freddie still thinks that he has some sort of a claim on Effy, and he clenches his own muscles, his fists, down by his side. “Your what? She’s not yours Freddie. She’s not your girlfriend, or your friend, or your anything, and she never was.”
“Right, so she’s yours is she? What the fuck are you on JJ? What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”
It’s a good question really, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing in the slightest, and hasn’t ever really known when it comes to Effy. But he does know that Effy’s made things better than they have been for a long time just by being there, and it’s more than Freddie’s done lately, and it’s more than Cook’s done either, and she’s more his friend than both of them now.
It’s silly, probably, that he feels angry about that, because he’s got Effy because of that chain of events, but if Cook and Freddie would have just been his friends - his real and proper friends, not this pretend version - then they’d never have had to go through all the bad stuff to get here, where he doesn’t know if it can be fixed. And he misses them as his friends, and this was their entire fault in the start anyway, and not his. And it’s frustrating that Freddie wants to blame him for it all, when it wasn’t, it really wasn’t his fault, and he can feel that rage coming pounding back. “You cocked it up! It was you, you and Cook just fucked everything up, and I didn’t have anyone, and she didn’t have anyone and then…we just…we had each other.”
“Fuck’s sake, she’s using you.”
“She’s not,” JJ’s sure she’s not, she wouldn’t do that. Effy’s not like that, and Freddie’s just jealous.
Freddie shakes his head, perches on the edge of the sofa and reaches for the tin box that contains his weed. “How long?” He asks, focusing on rolling the joint.
JJ panics, because he doesn’t know what Freddie wants to know. How long has he liked Effy? Or maybe how long since he first kissed Effy? Or does he want to know when they first -
“How long?” Freddie asks again, looking up.
JJ clenches his fists until he can feel his nails digging into the palm of his hands, but it doesn’t distract him from his mental anguish. “Two months…and nine days.”
Freddie shakes his head again. “I can’t believe this Jay. After all that shit before, and everything with her, you go and pull this? That how you like treating your mates, is it?”
“It’s how you treated me,” JJ blurts out. “I mean…you’re not my friend Freddie, are you? I don’t think so, not really. If you were my friend then you’d talk to me. And you’d ask me how I was and you’d care about the answer. But you don’t talk to me. And you don’t ask me, and you don’t care. And you don’t care about Cook either. Where were you? At college, where do you go that you won’t talk to me?”
Freddie sighs. “It’s not…Look, I’ve been busy yeah. I can’t just fucking drop everything. We’re not kids anymore. You’ve gotta look after yourself.”
And that’s when it clicks.
The pieces fit together and this is why he’s been struggling with Freddie for so long. That’s it; it’s all he is to Freddie. A little kid to follow him around and for him to play with when he can be bothered but who holds him back from doing real things. He’s just someone to put up with.
But before he can say any of this then Freddie’s phone rings, and after checking the screen and with a quick glance at JJ, he answers it. Of course he does, because whoever it is must be more important than JJ, because JJ’s not very important to Freddie, he knows that now.
JJ tries not to listen to his conversation, because it’s rude to do that, but he can’t not hear Freddie’s side of things. “Hi…no, you can’t…it’s just not a good time. Look, I’ll bring it round later, ok?”
JJ doesn’t think that Freddie’s even that bothered about him being there, and he thinks that he’s probably said everything that he needs to say, so he turns to go.
“Jay, wait,” Freddie calls out. “Does Cook know?”
JJ looks down at his shoes. “No,” he whispers.
“Well, are you gonna tell him?”
JJ doesn’t know, so he doesn’t reply.
“JJ? You’d fucking better tell him. He’s your mate, he deserves to know.”
It’s wrong, Freddie’s wrong. “Neither of you deserve anything,” JJ answers bitterly, before pushing the door to the shed open.
---
He goes to Effy’s house, because he doesn’t want to go home and face a quiz from his mum about what just happened.
She opens the door wordlessly, and then heads to the kitchen without inviting him in, and though he hesitates a little, he’s fairly sure that it’s ok to follow now. She pours some mango juice, places it in front of him and sits down.
“Freddie says you’re using me.”
“Maybe,” she says, leaning across for an ashtray and sliding it into reach.
“No, that’s definitely what he said. Oh.” JJ watches as Effy slouches back in her chair, looking more at ease with a lit cigarette in hand. “Are you then? Are you using me?”
“Don’t we all use each other?” She retorts.
It’s a good point, because JJ feels better when he’s around Effy, so maybe that’s one of the reasons that he likes to spend time with her, and technically then that means that he uses her to feel better, and so if she feels better around him, then it’s a good thing, and not a bad thing like Freddie said.
“I want you to keep using me then. Because Cook and Freddie used me as a back up friend, a pretend friend, and at least with you then I feel like maybe you don’t think that I hold you back.”
Effy’s focused on his hands on the table, and maybe she’d going to hold them, maybe she’s going to reach out to him. She does, almost. She stretches a hand over and extends a finger, and just touches, doesn’t move it at all, but JJ inexplicably feels better.
“I’m going to tell Cook. About…this.”
If Effy flinches, then JJ doesn’t see it. “Fine,” is what she says.
---
He’s definitely going to tell Cook, because he can’t feel worse than he currently does about everything, and so even if he’ll only feel one percent better then it’ll be worth it, but he’s nervous about it. He’s always found Freddie easier to deal with of the two. Possibly because JJ needs time to take things in slowly and at his own pace, and normally with Freddie then he gets to do that. But with Cook, everything happens too fast and everything’s loud and brash and everything about Cook happens all at once.
And sometimes in the past, if he couldn’t keep up with Cook then he would just be told what to do. And it was fine, because it used to make him feel that he was being normal and living a life that everyone else has. But JJ’s realised that it wasn’t very helpful when Cook told him what to do, because then everything was what Cook wanted, and never what JJ wanted.
And then he thinks about Effy, and how she’s maybe a bit of both. Because she’s exciting and she pushes him to do more things and to get better at people, but she also gives him lots of time to take it in and it’s rarely over the top, unlike Cook. And it strengthens his resolve to speak to Cook about Effy. It’s just that he’s not very sure how to because Cook is highly unlikely to have a good reaction to his news, but he thinks he has an idea.
He’ll talk to Emily, because he doesn’t have a brother, but he thinks that Cook’s quite close to being a brother, and Emily has a sister who was angry that she was with someone that Katie thought she shouldn’t be, but that worked out ok, so some advice would definitely be helpful. And he can prepare himself properly for the battle that will undoubtedly follow.
Emily spends all her time at college with Naomi though, and he doesn’t really want to have this conversation with her present, because he’s sure she’ll laugh, so he has to get Emily alone so he can talk to her.
He approaches them during lunch. “Um, excuse me? Emily?”
Naomi turns round and looks at him before answering, “What do you want?” with a scowl that makes JJ flinch, which is less that friendly of her, and he wonders if she is still angry about his sleeping with Emily. Maybe he should explain exactly what happened there, because it really wasn’t his fault, and Emily has made it perfectly clear that it’s Naomi she likes shagging, and not him and that his was just a charity, once in a lifetime opportunity which he couldn’t really turn down, because she asked, and she is very attractive, and she was partway naked in his bed. And maybe if Naomi knew this then she’d understand how it would have been impossible for him to say no to having sex with her. And of course, he could explain to her that he’s actually having a plentiful amount of sex with Effy, and so he doesn’t want to have any more sex with her girlfriend because he’s got one of his own.
“Actually Naomi -”
“Right, come on JJ,” Emily interrupts, her eyes flitting between them both. “We’ll go over here.”
“Ok, I need some advice,” he says when they’re far enough of a distance away. “From you, I mean. About Katie. Well, not specifically about Katie but -”
“Get on with it Jay.”
“Right, well, I need to tell Cook something that he won’t like, and Katie’s a bit like Cook, because they’re both quite loud, and I was just wondering how you told Katie about the something that she didn’t like, so that now she doesn’t mind the something, I mean, Naomi.”
Emily furrows her eyebrows. “What are -”
“I can’t say,” he breaks her off hurriedly.
“Ok, well, you just have to be clear JJ, and make sure he understands what you’re telling him. Make sure you know it’s what you want, ok?”
“Yes. Yes, ok. Thanks Emily.”
“JJ? Be careful yeah?”
JJ smiles. “Of course.”
Emily smiles back, but then Katie finds them. “Ems! Christ I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Come on, we’ve got History yeah, and you need to help me with this shitting coursework.”
Emily pulls a face. “Good luck then.”
JJ blinks a few times as they walk away and he has the slow realisation that he’s not the only one that’s been keeping secrets.
---
He knows he’ll find Cook at uncle Keith’s, because Cook spends most of his time in a pub, and probability dictates this is the one.
Cook’s drunk when he gets there. Really, very drunk. So much so that JJ can smell the alcohol on his breath even before Cook’s noticed him. When he does spot JJ though, he throws his arms wide and calls out, “Jay! Mate, come ‘ere, quick, come and look at this.”
JJ is a bit cautious, but takes a step closer.
“Watch this Jenkins, fucking top right,” he says, motioning at the woman behind the bar. “Alright Christina love, need another bag of them nut things.”
“Cook -”
“Nah, honestly mate, just watch when she bends over, fucking hell you’ll cop an eyeful. Be locked on for days, look at that!”
“Cook, Effy’s my girlfriend.”
Cook averts his eyes from Christina’s backside to look at JJ properly, his eyes taking a while time to focus, and then spits some beer out and then he. And then he laughs. “Fuck me Jay, I don’t understand you half the time, but you’re fucking hilarious!”
“What? Cook, I’m serious. She has a mole under her right breast. And she has a scar under her hairline, which Tony gave her when she was little. And she -” JJ stops though, because Cook’s stopped laughing now, and instead he looks a lot more sober than he did a minute ago.
It seems to happen in slow motion, though of course it doesn’t really, and in fact it’s just that he has a heightened sense of awareness, but he notices all of the little details of it as it happens.
Like the way Cook’s fist clenches until his knuckles crack. And the way they turn white because the blood can’t get through. How the bar stool topples over because he stands up too quickly, making it unbalanced. That it takes him two steps to get close enough. And the motion of him pulling his elbow back all the way is creating kinetic energy much like a wind up toy would. How Cook bares his teeth and his face is red and his eyes are much more narrow than usual, the grunt he makes when he pushes his fist through the air, and how JJ can’t hear anything at all as it comes towards him.
The explosion of sound as the punch lands on his cheekbone.
---
7. Bones