Fic: Fake Plastic Trees
Title: The Bends
Chapter title: Fake Plastic Trees (Part 2/12)
Characters: JJ, Cook, Freddie, Effy, Thomas, Pandora
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3317
Summary: If I could be who you wanted all of the time
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Fake Plastic Trees'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
JJ approaches the first day of college with some trepidation.
He hasn’t heard from Freddie or Cook since his birthday party, which was four days ago, which is good in a way because his anger has subsided a bit now, but it’s also worrying, because Cook could be spending all of his time with Effy, drinking and doing...stuff that they shouldn't. That's probably why they do it though. Because they shouldn't. That's why Cook does most of what he does anyway as far as JJ sees.
Still, what it really means is that he has no idea what’s going to happen today. And for JJ that’s almost worse than knowing something really bad is going to happen, because if quite literally anything could happen then it’s just as likely that they’ll all go to the beach for a picnic as it is for Freddie to murder Cook, and there’s just too many options in between those extremes for JJ to feel comfortable at all. So, it's a horrible feeling that JJ carries around with him all day - a nervous butterfly type feeling, not unlike the one he gets before visiting his doctor.
By lunchtime he's still not seen Cook at all. It isn't much of a surprise, he's probably forgotten all about college going back today anyway. Normally JJ would phone him to remind him, but even though he’s not as angry as he was, he's still not very happy with Cook after what he did, so he only tried to ring once and Cook didn't answer.
Freddie snapped at him when they were on first break on more than one occasion, so JJ's been avoiding him since. He has no idea why Freddie was being so grumpy - JJ was only reciting pi to see how many decimals places he could remember up to (34 places until Freddie made him stop, which wasn’t his record, but was reasonably good nonetheless).
---
He sees her after lunch, sitting out on the steps, smoking by herself. She looks, well, sad maybe, but more than that, she looks sort of far away. And not in the measurable distance sense, but in the other sort of 'not there' sense. He should probably go and see her. No, he should definitely go and see her, but she's a girl and girls are emotional and JJ is hopeless in those situations and normally makes them far worse than they were before, so he probably won’t.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and that's when he feels them, all bulky and dog-eared, but perfectly functional. He knows that he should stop making plans, seeing as none of his plans ever seem to result in anything positive, but it's too late, because this one's already formed, and he's already walking towards Effy, and she's already seen him.
"Do you want to see a magic trick?" JJ asks, pulling his cards out of his pocket.
Effy looks up at him and has to squint against the sun. "Sure."
"Great. You can watch as I shuffle these so you know I'm not cheating, like so. Now, pick a card from the pack, any card you want," he offers her the pack and if she thinks that he's being silly and childish, then she doesn't say, only reaches forward and slips a card out.
"Good, ok. So I'll just shuffle them again, and you can cut the deck wherever you want and once you remember what your card is then just put it back in. Ready?" He waits for her to replace her card. "I'll just say the magic words then and I'll find your card for you, guaranteed success every time. Abracadabra!" He splits the pack open with a flourish and presents her with what he knows will be the card that she picked out.
Effy flicks her eyebrows lazily, has another drag of her cigarette, and then says, "Impressive," even though she doesn't sound very impressed at all.
JJ looks at the card she'd picked. "Oh. The ace of spades. That's, eh, somewhat unfortunate.” Effy doesn’t respond. “Fucking idiot, fucking stupid, stupid idiot,” JJ mumbles under his breath. “Sorry. I'm rubbish at this cheering up thing, aren’t I?” Effy stays silent, so JJ sits down next to her. “Is it about Cook and Freddie then?"
Effy shrugs, keeping her eyes trained on the horizon. "Not really."
"I used to understand them, well, at least, I think I did, but I don't really anymore. I think they've grown up and I'm just left behind."
"They've not, Jay,” Effy discards the remnants of her cigarette and lights another. She turns to watch him carefully once she’s done. “You don't really get people at all, do you?"
"Nope," he says cheerily, not even having to think about the answer to that, because it’s an easy one. "Not at all."
"Me neither."
JJ frowns. "What? No, you do. You're not a mong headed autistic nut like me."
"Mm,” she agrees and then exhales. “Doesn't mean they always make sense though, does it?"
"Oh. Suppose not."
---
They sit there for all of JJ's free period and all of Effy's French class. They don't talk much, because Effy doesn't talk much anyway, and JJ doesn't want to be the only one who's talking in case he says something socially awkward, which, chances are, he would.
Effy gets up after finishing her fifth cigarette (JJ counted them in-between seeing how high he could list prime numbers - he got to 389 which was rubbish, but he kept getting distracted and had to start again). "Thanks JJ. This was nice."
"Was it?"
"Yeah, it was," Effy answers with conviction, before she turns and slinks off. She does slink, JJ thinks. She doesn’t walk normally, and he’s not sure how she’s doing it, the way that she’s moving her hips and she almost glides across the car park, because it’s very smooth and not clunky like how he walks and it’s quite mesmerising to look at.
Thomas interrupts his staring. “She has large amounts of charm, yes?”
“Yeah,” JJ replies dreamily, and then realises what he’s agreeing to. “No, wait, no! She doesn’t. Definitely not,” he says hastily.
Thomas laughs. “Oh. Not you as well?”
“What not me?”
Thomas raises his eyebrows and looks in the direction that Effy slinked off in. It was nice, JJ remembers, the way that she did that. Thomas smiles at him and slaps his back. “You are in trouble brother. Some things are not meant to be, and that is one of them. Understand?”
JJ nods. “You’re right. Yes, you’re right.”
“Come on then. Time for class.”
Thomas was right. Completely, totally, 100% correct. It’s why JJ thinks he might indeed be in trouble.
---
He’ll fix it. It’ll be easy. He’ll just not look at her. Ever again. It’s only a year and then she’ll be gone. Actually it’s only eight months by the time exams and study leave and holidays are factored in, so it’s no time at all.
But he can’t just not look at her all of the time. It’s like she’s everywhere.
It’s a little embarrassing actually, only scoring 92% in a maths test that JJ knows he could have easily gotten full marks for, but didn’t because he was spending half his time wondering what Effy’s hair would feel like if he were to run it through his fingers.
Thomas guesses straight away that JJ isn’t over his, whatever it even is, and he teases him for it a little, but unlike what Cook and Freddie would do, Thomas doesn’t push him until he wants to rip his hair out. JJ doesn’t know how he knows though, because he’s being completely and utterly discrete about it. Still, he does tease him, and JJ knows that he’s being stupid and unrealistic and…
Yep, he’s definitely in trouble.
---
He’s going to do something reckless. That’s what Effy likes, so that’s what he’s going to do to get her attention. He’s not very good at thinking of reckless things to do though - because it sort of defeats the point if he thinks it through - but JJ doesn’t really want to do anything dangerous where he might get hurt, or something that his mum would get angry about.
Unsurprisingly this rules a lot of things out.
He tries to ask Thomas what he should do, because he’d know. He’ll have better advice than Cook or Freddie who would only laugh at him and neither of them even have girlfriends, let alone have Effy as their girlfriend, or have ever really had Effy as a proper girlfriend.
So, Thomas is the way to go, definitely. It’s just that Pandora keeps hanging around him like a bad smell - not that Thomas seems to mind - but it means that opportunities are limited, even when JJ follows him home. Still it does give him plenty of opportunities to observe a real working relationship, not a malfunctioning demonstration of how to ruin not only his own life but also everyone else’s around him, which was the extremely unhelpful example that both Cook and Freddie had set.
There’s a lot of touching - a bit more than JJ is comfortable with really - and there’s a lot of looking and whispering and giggling and he feels a little left out actually. He’s never had someone to do that with and JJ thinks it’d be nice to have someone to smile at and to share secret jokes with.
Pandora’s stroking Thomas’s head now, doing what she insists is a Chimp’s piss massage, but JJ’s sure that can’t be right - he’s certain that the term is Champissage. But watching Pandora rub her fingers over Thomas’ head sets him thinking. He’s got a bit of a mop on his head and maybe he could cope with a small change. A hair cut. He could do that. If he just shaves it all off then that’s drastic enough. And reckless. Definitely reckless. But the genius part of this plan is that his hair will grow back so there are practically no long-term consequences in the slightest.
“Em, JJ? I hope you don’t mind but Pandora and I have some things to do, yes?”
“Oh. I could just - oh you mean sex. Right, shit, fucking, shitting, shit, sorry, I’ll leave, fucking socially awkward spazface -”
“JJ! You are doing your locking on again. It is all right. We will see you tomorrow ok?”
“Yes. Yes, right. Shit, sorry,” JJ mutters as he leaves Thomas’s house and heads to the chemist to purchase what will need to be a heavy duty razor.
---
He practically walks into Effy on his way home, incriminating bag in hand. He stutters, of course he does, and says something completely incoherent, which was meant to be something like: “Hello Effy, how are you on this pleasant evening?” but ends up coming out as “Eff - fuck, you’re, fuck, you’re here, what are you, what, I mean, eh, why are you here?”
Effy cocks an eyebrow at him, which is something she tends to do quite a lot actually, now that he thinks about it, but it’s ok normally because it gives him a nice warm feeling in his stomach when she does, but this time he’s too panicked to enjoy it. “I’m just out Jay. That ok with you?”
“Yes, definitely, completely ok. Fine, absolutely.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“Nothing,” JJ replies, a bit too quickly maybe, because Effy’s raised an eyebrow again, a sure sign that she’s onto him. “Well, it was just, I was thinking that I might…I’m not really sure that I’ll do it anyway, I think I’m just going to take them back actually.”
Effy looks intrigued, and before he knows it, she’s managed to get a glimpse at what he’s bought. “Razors? Well, JJ, that is a surprise. Cook said you were bald as a baby’s backside all over. Guess we know your secret now.” She winks and no, that’s not, oh God this is getting out of hand now and he should just stop it right away because she thinks that he’s a little kid, and he’s not, he’s not.
“No! That’s not what this is! I have hairy balls, and I don’t shave them, I have normal, masculine, adult, hairy balls. They’re for my head. I was going to shave my head.”
Effy’s lips twitch. “Right. Bit drastic that.” It’s not a question, but it kind of is, and shitting hell, JJ just wishes this could be easier.
“Yes, but…fuck the consequences, that’s what I always say.”
“Is it? Hm. Well in that case Mum’s got some old scissors that she used on Tony once. Might be a bit less risqué than shaving it all off completely.”
JJ tries not to look too obviously relieved at the prospect of keeping at least some of his hair as he follows after her.
---
Effy dangles the point of the scissors over the palm of her hand when she finds them, staring at them almost fondly, but that can’t be right, because they’re scissors. “Ready?” She asks after a minute, and he only nods silently.
She has a real look of concentration as she does it, and JJ watches her face in the mirror fixatedly, lest he sees what she’s doing with his hair and panics. It’s soothing though, Effy running her hands through his hair, it’s sensually simulating. JJ reckons that she could just keep going forever and he really wouldn’t mind one bit.
“There.”
JJ takes a breath before looking and promises himself that he’ll be cool.
It’s ok though, it’s not bad, and it’s different, so it’ll take some getting used to, and it’s a little bit wonky, but it’s not too short, though it is strange to touch it, because his fingertips reach the ends very quickly and his mum will probably want him to get it done properly, but he won’t do it, because it’s his hair and Effy did it and that’s the way he likes it. He lets his breath out in a big sigh.
Effy looks rather proud of her handiwork. “Nice, Jay. Very grown up. Very sexy.”
Oh God. Sexy. He’s never been called sexy before, and now Effy Stonem thinks that he’s sexy. He can see his face in the mirror, blushing furiously, and Effy laughs lightly at him. “It looks good,” she assures him.
“Yes,” he replies, with a high pitched voice. “Yes, good. Really, very good. Thanks.”
“No problem.”
It’s strange, JJ thinks on his walk home. How the feeling of the wind in his hair feels accentuated now. It’s lovely; it’s the best thing ever really.
---
Cook laughs at his haircut, and says it’s rubbish because he can’t ruffle it properly, and where’s the fun in that then? It makes JJ like it more.
Freddie didn’t notice, and when JJ told him, he only shrugged and said it was cool mate.
JJ doesn’t tell them who did it. Things are almost manageable between them all when no one mentions Effy.
---
The next time they go out together, one week later, Freddie and Cook are back playing silly games, the aim of which seems to be who can catch the most sexually transmitted diseases in a night.
Still, at least they’re talking and are kind of friends again, so JJ won’t point out how obviously animalistic they are being. It’s sort of nice, them all hanging out without any tension anyway, and even if there is a big list of things they can’t talk about, maybe things are going to fix themselves in time.
JJ remains optimistic for all of an hour, because that’s when they both spot Effy.
It’s inevitable, the staring and then the comments that they shout to each other over the music, and then the slight nudges and pushing that quickly escalates into shoving and pretty soon there are fists involved and JJ hates it. It’s like they go from being perfectly civil to each other one minute, and then JJ blinks, and by the time his eyes open again they’ve transformed themselves into territorial primal beings.
Effy doesn’t look to be impressed either - he sees her leave out the corner of his eye. He wants to follow her, but he can’t because it’s Freddie, and it’s Cook, and they’re his best friends and he has to help them stop it.
So he tries, he honestly tries to wade in and pull them apart, but they push him back, because they don’t want his help, they don’t want to be friends anymore and obviously they want to be like this forever.
“Stop it! You fucking, you’re being so fucking stupid, both of you! Don’t you see that?!” JJ has to scream over the music so they can hear him, and they hear, but he doesn’t think they listen.
Freddie breaks eye contact with Cook for a second to say, “Leave it JJ, you wouldn’t understand.”
And fuck them, JJ thinks, as he pushes his way out. Fuck them both for thinking that he’s just a little boy and that they always know better than him, when really it’s them that are being dumb and childish. JJ’s not going to clean up their messes anymore, he’s had too much of it, and he’s not going to cry either, because he’s not a little boy and he doesn’t want anyone’s pity, he just wants his friends back.
---
He sees Effy smoking outside, and this time he doesn’t hesitate in going over, because he’s a bit more comfortable around Effy now, more comfortable that he is around either Cook or Freddie these days.
Effy wordlessly makes to pass her cigarette to him when he stands next to her.
“No thanks.”
She raises an eyebrow at him quizzically.
“I don’t drink, do non-prescription drugs or have processed sugars,” he explains. “Much safer that way.”
Effy raises her chin and observes him for a second, almost looks into him - and not only is that impossible, but it’s more than a bit unnerving. “Don’t you ever do anything dangerous, Jay?” She asks him in a low voice.
JJ’s sure that if he were to open his mouth then he would stutter, which would be really, really embarrassing, so he just shakes his head.
She flashes him a wicked grin, one that would be a bit scary if it wasn’t also extremely attractive. Then she exhales, blowing smoke into his face and stares at him, almost daring him to say something.
JJ just tries his best not to cough, which would be even more embarrassing that stuttering.
“Come on JJ,” she goads him. “Live a little. Be bold.”
Bold. Right. Be bold. Easy, he’ll just…oh fuck, she’s still looking at him. And he’s looking at her lips and they look extremely kissable, but he can’t do that, even if she thinks he should just do the things that he wants, regardless of the consequences, much like Cook would do. But maybe if he was more like Cook then he could…
Fuck, fuck fuck, he chants in his head. Fuck. One might have escaped from his lips before they make contact with hers, but it doesn’t matter because he’s kissing her now. He, Jonah Jeremiah Jones is kissing her, Elizabeth Stonem, properly, with tongues and everything and she is kissing back. Kissing him back properly with her tongue, and it’s lovely, and warm and moist and it’s girl. Most importantly, it’s real girl.
When they part so JJ can catch his breath and attempt to take stock of the situation he’s just found himself in, Effy watches him curiously. It’s almost as if she’s weighing him up.
“Interesting,” she says eventually, tilting her head to the side, before going back inside and leaving JJ to his thoughts - which are plentiful.
Interesting doesn’t even begin to cover it.
---
3. High and Dry
Chapter title: Fake Plastic Trees (Part 2/12)
Characters: JJ, Cook, Freddie, Effy, Thomas, Pandora
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3317
Summary: If I could be who you wanted all of the time
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Fake Plastic Trees'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
JJ approaches the first day of college with some trepidation.
He hasn’t heard from Freddie or Cook since his birthday party, which was four days ago, which is good in a way because his anger has subsided a bit now, but it’s also worrying, because Cook could be spending all of his time with Effy, drinking and doing...stuff that they shouldn't. That's probably why they do it though. Because they shouldn't. That's why Cook does most of what he does anyway as far as JJ sees.
Still, what it really means is that he has no idea what’s going to happen today. And for JJ that’s almost worse than knowing something really bad is going to happen, because if quite literally anything could happen then it’s just as likely that they’ll all go to the beach for a picnic as it is for Freddie to murder Cook, and there’s just too many options in between those extremes for JJ to feel comfortable at all. So, it's a horrible feeling that JJ carries around with him all day - a nervous butterfly type feeling, not unlike the one he gets before visiting his doctor.
By lunchtime he's still not seen Cook at all. It isn't much of a surprise, he's probably forgotten all about college going back today anyway. Normally JJ would phone him to remind him, but even though he’s not as angry as he was, he's still not very happy with Cook after what he did, so he only tried to ring once and Cook didn't answer.
Freddie snapped at him when they were on first break on more than one occasion, so JJ's been avoiding him since. He has no idea why Freddie was being so grumpy - JJ was only reciting pi to see how many decimals places he could remember up to (34 places until Freddie made him stop, which wasn’t his record, but was reasonably good nonetheless).
---
He sees her after lunch, sitting out on the steps, smoking by herself. She looks, well, sad maybe, but more than that, she looks sort of far away. And not in the measurable distance sense, but in the other sort of 'not there' sense. He should probably go and see her. No, he should definitely go and see her, but she's a girl and girls are emotional and JJ is hopeless in those situations and normally makes them far worse than they were before, so he probably won’t.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and that's when he feels them, all bulky and dog-eared, but perfectly functional. He knows that he should stop making plans, seeing as none of his plans ever seem to result in anything positive, but it's too late, because this one's already formed, and he's already walking towards Effy, and she's already seen him.
"Do you want to see a magic trick?" JJ asks, pulling his cards out of his pocket.
Effy looks up at him and has to squint against the sun. "Sure."
"Great. You can watch as I shuffle these so you know I'm not cheating, like so. Now, pick a card from the pack, any card you want," he offers her the pack and if she thinks that he's being silly and childish, then she doesn't say, only reaches forward and slips a card out.
"Good, ok. So I'll just shuffle them again, and you can cut the deck wherever you want and once you remember what your card is then just put it back in. Ready?" He waits for her to replace her card. "I'll just say the magic words then and I'll find your card for you, guaranteed success every time. Abracadabra!" He splits the pack open with a flourish and presents her with what he knows will be the card that she picked out.
Effy flicks her eyebrows lazily, has another drag of her cigarette, and then says, "Impressive," even though she doesn't sound very impressed at all.
JJ looks at the card she'd picked. "Oh. The ace of spades. That's, eh, somewhat unfortunate.” Effy doesn’t respond. “Fucking idiot, fucking stupid, stupid idiot,” JJ mumbles under his breath. “Sorry. I'm rubbish at this cheering up thing, aren’t I?” Effy stays silent, so JJ sits down next to her. “Is it about Cook and Freddie then?"
Effy shrugs, keeping her eyes trained on the horizon. "Not really."
"I used to understand them, well, at least, I think I did, but I don't really anymore. I think they've grown up and I'm just left behind."
"They've not, Jay,” Effy discards the remnants of her cigarette and lights another. She turns to watch him carefully once she’s done. “You don't really get people at all, do you?"
"Nope," he says cheerily, not even having to think about the answer to that, because it’s an easy one. "Not at all."
"Me neither."
JJ frowns. "What? No, you do. You're not a mong headed autistic nut like me."
"Mm,” she agrees and then exhales. “Doesn't mean they always make sense though, does it?"
"Oh. Suppose not."
---
They sit there for all of JJ's free period and all of Effy's French class. They don't talk much, because Effy doesn't talk much anyway, and JJ doesn't want to be the only one who's talking in case he says something socially awkward, which, chances are, he would.
Effy gets up after finishing her fifth cigarette (JJ counted them in-between seeing how high he could list prime numbers - he got to 389 which was rubbish, but he kept getting distracted and had to start again). "Thanks JJ. This was nice."
"Was it?"
"Yeah, it was," Effy answers with conviction, before she turns and slinks off. She does slink, JJ thinks. She doesn’t walk normally, and he’s not sure how she’s doing it, the way that she’s moving her hips and she almost glides across the car park, because it’s very smooth and not clunky like how he walks and it’s quite mesmerising to look at.
Thomas interrupts his staring. “She has large amounts of charm, yes?”
“Yeah,” JJ replies dreamily, and then realises what he’s agreeing to. “No, wait, no! She doesn’t. Definitely not,” he says hastily.
Thomas laughs. “Oh. Not you as well?”
“What not me?”
Thomas raises his eyebrows and looks in the direction that Effy slinked off in. It was nice, JJ remembers, the way that she did that. Thomas smiles at him and slaps his back. “You are in trouble brother. Some things are not meant to be, and that is one of them. Understand?”
JJ nods. “You’re right. Yes, you’re right.”
“Come on then. Time for class.”
Thomas was right. Completely, totally, 100% correct. It’s why JJ thinks he might indeed be in trouble.
---
He’ll fix it. It’ll be easy. He’ll just not look at her. Ever again. It’s only a year and then she’ll be gone. Actually it’s only eight months by the time exams and study leave and holidays are factored in, so it’s no time at all.
But he can’t just not look at her all of the time. It’s like she’s everywhere.
It’s a little embarrassing actually, only scoring 92% in a maths test that JJ knows he could have easily gotten full marks for, but didn’t because he was spending half his time wondering what Effy’s hair would feel like if he were to run it through his fingers.
Thomas guesses straight away that JJ isn’t over his, whatever it even is, and he teases him for it a little, but unlike what Cook and Freddie would do, Thomas doesn’t push him until he wants to rip his hair out. JJ doesn’t know how he knows though, because he’s being completely and utterly discrete about it. Still, he does tease him, and JJ knows that he’s being stupid and unrealistic and…
Yep, he’s definitely in trouble.
---
He’s going to do something reckless. That’s what Effy likes, so that’s what he’s going to do to get her attention. He’s not very good at thinking of reckless things to do though - because it sort of defeats the point if he thinks it through - but JJ doesn’t really want to do anything dangerous where he might get hurt, or something that his mum would get angry about.
Unsurprisingly this rules a lot of things out.
He tries to ask Thomas what he should do, because he’d know. He’ll have better advice than Cook or Freddie who would only laugh at him and neither of them even have girlfriends, let alone have Effy as their girlfriend, or have ever really had Effy as a proper girlfriend.
So, Thomas is the way to go, definitely. It’s just that Pandora keeps hanging around him like a bad smell - not that Thomas seems to mind - but it means that opportunities are limited, even when JJ follows him home. Still it does give him plenty of opportunities to observe a real working relationship, not a malfunctioning demonstration of how to ruin not only his own life but also everyone else’s around him, which was the extremely unhelpful example that both Cook and Freddie had set.
There’s a lot of touching - a bit more than JJ is comfortable with really - and there’s a lot of looking and whispering and giggling and he feels a little left out actually. He’s never had someone to do that with and JJ thinks it’d be nice to have someone to smile at and to share secret jokes with.
Pandora’s stroking Thomas’s head now, doing what she insists is a Chimp’s piss massage, but JJ’s sure that can’t be right - he’s certain that the term is Champissage. But watching Pandora rub her fingers over Thomas’ head sets him thinking. He’s got a bit of a mop on his head and maybe he could cope with a small change. A hair cut. He could do that. If he just shaves it all off then that’s drastic enough. And reckless. Definitely reckless. But the genius part of this plan is that his hair will grow back so there are practically no long-term consequences in the slightest.
“Em, JJ? I hope you don’t mind but Pandora and I have some things to do, yes?”
“Oh. I could just - oh you mean sex. Right, shit, fucking, shitting, shit, sorry, I’ll leave, fucking socially awkward spazface -”
“JJ! You are doing your locking on again. It is all right. We will see you tomorrow ok?”
“Yes. Yes, right. Shit, sorry,” JJ mutters as he leaves Thomas’s house and heads to the chemist to purchase what will need to be a heavy duty razor.
---
He practically walks into Effy on his way home, incriminating bag in hand. He stutters, of course he does, and says something completely incoherent, which was meant to be something like: “Hello Effy, how are you on this pleasant evening?” but ends up coming out as “Eff - fuck, you’re, fuck, you’re here, what are you, what, I mean, eh, why are you here?”
Effy cocks an eyebrow at him, which is something she tends to do quite a lot actually, now that he thinks about it, but it’s ok normally because it gives him a nice warm feeling in his stomach when she does, but this time he’s too panicked to enjoy it. “I’m just out Jay. That ok with you?”
“Yes, definitely, completely ok. Fine, absolutely.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“Nothing,” JJ replies, a bit too quickly maybe, because Effy’s raised an eyebrow again, a sure sign that she’s onto him. “Well, it was just, I was thinking that I might…I’m not really sure that I’ll do it anyway, I think I’m just going to take them back actually.”
Effy looks intrigued, and before he knows it, she’s managed to get a glimpse at what he’s bought. “Razors? Well, JJ, that is a surprise. Cook said you were bald as a baby’s backside all over. Guess we know your secret now.” She winks and no, that’s not, oh God this is getting out of hand now and he should just stop it right away because she thinks that he’s a little kid, and he’s not, he’s not.
“No! That’s not what this is! I have hairy balls, and I don’t shave them, I have normal, masculine, adult, hairy balls. They’re for my head. I was going to shave my head.”
Effy’s lips twitch. “Right. Bit drastic that.” It’s not a question, but it kind of is, and shitting hell, JJ just wishes this could be easier.
“Yes, but…fuck the consequences, that’s what I always say.”
“Is it? Hm. Well in that case Mum’s got some old scissors that she used on Tony once. Might be a bit less risqué than shaving it all off completely.”
JJ tries not to look too obviously relieved at the prospect of keeping at least some of his hair as he follows after her.
---
Effy dangles the point of the scissors over the palm of her hand when she finds them, staring at them almost fondly, but that can’t be right, because they’re scissors. “Ready?” She asks after a minute, and he only nods silently.
She has a real look of concentration as she does it, and JJ watches her face in the mirror fixatedly, lest he sees what she’s doing with his hair and panics. It’s soothing though, Effy running her hands through his hair, it’s sensually simulating. JJ reckons that she could just keep going forever and he really wouldn’t mind one bit.
“There.”
JJ takes a breath before looking and promises himself that he’ll be cool.
It’s ok though, it’s not bad, and it’s different, so it’ll take some getting used to, and it’s a little bit wonky, but it’s not too short, though it is strange to touch it, because his fingertips reach the ends very quickly and his mum will probably want him to get it done properly, but he won’t do it, because it’s his hair and Effy did it and that’s the way he likes it. He lets his breath out in a big sigh.
Effy looks rather proud of her handiwork. “Nice, Jay. Very grown up. Very sexy.”
Oh God. Sexy. He’s never been called sexy before, and now Effy Stonem thinks that he’s sexy. He can see his face in the mirror, blushing furiously, and Effy laughs lightly at him. “It looks good,” she assures him.
“Yes,” he replies, with a high pitched voice. “Yes, good. Really, very good. Thanks.”
“No problem.”
It’s strange, JJ thinks on his walk home. How the feeling of the wind in his hair feels accentuated now. It’s lovely; it’s the best thing ever really.
---
Cook laughs at his haircut, and says it’s rubbish because he can’t ruffle it properly, and where’s the fun in that then? It makes JJ like it more.
Freddie didn’t notice, and when JJ told him, he only shrugged and said it was cool mate.
JJ doesn’t tell them who did it. Things are almost manageable between them all when no one mentions Effy.
---
The next time they go out together, one week later, Freddie and Cook are back playing silly games, the aim of which seems to be who can catch the most sexually transmitted diseases in a night.
Still, at least they’re talking and are kind of friends again, so JJ won’t point out how obviously animalistic they are being. It’s sort of nice, them all hanging out without any tension anyway, and even if there is a big list of things they can’t talk about, maybe things are going to fix themselves in time.
JJ remains optimistic for all of an hour, because that’s when they both spot Effy.
It’s inevitable, the staring and then the comments that they shout to each other over the music, and then the slight nudges and pushing that quickly escalates into shoving and pretty soon there are fists involved and JJ hates it. It’s like they go from being perfectly civil to each other one minute, and then JJ blinks, and by the time his eyes open again they’ve transformed themselves into territorial primal beings.
Effy doesn’t look to be impressed either - he sees her leave out the corner of his eye. He wants to follow her, but he can’t because it’s Freddie, and it’s Cook, and they’re his best friends and he has to help them stop it.
So he tries, he honestly tries to wade in and pull them apart, but they push him back, because they don’t want his help, they don’t want to be friends anymore and obviously they want to be like this forever.
“Stop it! You fucking, you’re being so fucking stupid, both of you! Don’t you see that?!” JJ has to scream over the music so they can hear him, and they hear, but he doesn’t think they listen.
Freddie breaks eye contact with Cook for a second to say, “Leave it JJ, you wouldn’t understand.”
And fuck them, JJ thinks, as he pushes his way out. Fuck them both for thinking that he’s just a little boy and that they always know better than him, when really it’s them that are being dumb and childish. JJ’s not going to clean up their messes anymore, he’s had too much of it, and he’s not going to cry either, because he’s not a little boy and he doesn’t want anyone’s pity, he just wants his friends back.
---
He sees Effy smoking outside, and this time he doesn’t hesitate in going over, because he’s a bit more comfortable around Effy now, more comfortable that he is around either Cook or Freddie these days.
Effy wordlessly makes to pass her cigarette to him when he stands next to her.
“No thanks.”
She raises an eyebrow at him quizzically.
“I don’t drink, do non-prescription drugs or have processed sugars,” he explains. “Much safer that way.”
Effy raises her chin and observes him for a second, almost looks into him - and not only is that impossible, but it’s more than a bit unnerving. “Don’t you ever do anything dangerous, Jay?” She asks him in a low voice.
JJ’s sure that if he were to open his mouth then he would stutter, which would be really, really embarrassing, so he just shakes his head.
She flashes him a wicked grin, one that would be a bit scary if it wasn’t also extremely attractive. Then she exhales, blowing smoke into his face and stares at him, almost daring him to say something.
JJ just tries his best not to cough, which would be even more embarrassing that stuttering.
“Come on JJ,” she goads him. “Live a little. Be bold.”
Bold. Right. Be bold. Easy, he’ll just…oh fuck, she’s still looking at him. And he’s looking at her lips and they look extremely kissable, but he can’t do that, even if she thinks he should just do the things that he wants, regardless of the consequences, much like Cook would do. But maybe if he was more like Cook then he could…
Fuck, fuck fuck, he chants in his head. Fuck. One might have escaped from his lips before they make contact with hers, but it doesn’t matter because he’s kissing her now. He, Jonah Jeremiah Jones is kissing her, Elizabeth Stonem, properly, with tongues and everything and she is kissing back. Kissing him back properly with her tongue, and it’s lovely, and warm and moist and it’s girl. Most importantly, it’s real girl.
When they part so JJ can catch his breath and attempt to take stock of the situation he’s just found himself in, Effy watches him curiously. It’s almost as if she’s weighing him up.
“Interesting,” she says eventually, tilting her head to the side, before going back inside and leaving JJ to his thoughts - which are plentiful.
Interesting doesn’t even begin to cover it.
---
3. High and Dry