Zombies Get Brittle if it's Cold
A mass email between myself, Steve, Robyn, Justin, and Amy.
When I cut and pasted it into a Word document, for whatever reason, it split up sentences like poetry -- so I left it that way. I kind of like it like that.
We totally
could have
had the party
on the
beach
this
weekend.
I
mean
no
alcohol and
everyone
would have to
drive to
Muskegon
but still.
Awww....
Steve
Maesen
Pfft, I coming
back
special just to get
San
Chez
white
sangria...
so
no
alcohol, lame.
R.
Well
some of us
aren't in
danger of 12 steps
so
the
no
alcohol
wouldn't
be
a
problem.
Steve
Maesen
I
hear
lots of good
republicans
have a problem
with
alcohol
--
They
just
can't
admit it. Might
that be the
case here?
Em.
Just
because
I believe in
trickle
down
economics,
traditional
marriage,
social
programs for the
wealthy, and
the
disenfranchisement
of
the
downtrodden
does not make me
a
republican.
It
makes
right.
Steve
Maesen
Wow, way
to not
answer the
question.
Em.
You know very
well I
was commanded
not to
ever
drink
because
I
need
to
remain
pure.
Steve
Maesen
Jeez, I leave for
a few
minutes to get a
drink
and
look
what
happens...
*hiccup*
R.
My god! You are such a
west
sider.
Steve
Maesen
My sentiments
EXACTLY!!! She's just
trying to fit
in,
Steve.
You
know,
to
walk in their shoes so
she can
relate. Unlike
you,
who
must
uphold
his
"virtue"
verbally while
doing nothing
of the
kind in
actuality.
Em.
I'm as
pure as
snowflake that has not
yet landed.
Steve
Maesen
There was long
and hearty
laughter at GO
when this response
was
read.
Sirrah, thou art deluded.
Em.
I'm shocked. My magic reputation at
GO
has
apparently
been
defamed
by
the
people who
replaced me. I
shall have to get it
back.
Starting
with
ice
cream.
Steve
Maesen
As
far as I know,
ice cream has no opinion
whatsoever
concerning
your
reputation. But once you've conquered
that,
you
might
move
on
to
cookies
before working your way up to actual
human
beings.
Em.
If I
could relate to
human beings what
kind person would I be?
Robyn
is
anti-pie.
Steve
Maesen
I am not
anti-pie. You are
anti-pie, you special
snowflake,
you.
Also, Tim has not yet cried because he
has
yet
to
realize
we
will
not
be
thoughtful when the game is on.
r.
Someone
really needs
tell him.
I am
totally
pro-pie. Nice try
there.
Steve Maesen
Does it burn to lie
as completely as you do?
R.
I'm not lying therefore it does not
burn.
I distinctly
remember a
set of emails a few months ago in
which
I
took
a
pro-pie stance and you, and
perhaps
others, sided with
cake. I
may
also
add
that
some of the language from the anti-pie people was
vicious
and
in
many ways degrading.
Steve
Maesen
I am sorry to inform you that you are indeed a big
fat
liar.
Robyn
is
right. You were not pro-pie, and Robyn was
never
anti-pie.
Unless,
of
course, you now have the uncanny ability to
change
the
past
(if
only
in
your own mind and no one
else's).
I bet you
burned a pie in effigy on
your anti-pie
crusade.
Em.
I can totally change the past. It's my
superpower.
So
there.
Steve
Maesen
Too bad it
only works on you.
That must be less than
spectacular.
Em.
Whatevs. My power is slow acting on
other
people.
Steve
Maesen
Are you sure it's the POWER
that's slow?
Em.
I'm a genius. The power
is
slow because if it hit other people all at
once it might hurt
them.
Steve
Maesen
Perhaps
it's just the drinking, but
this
conversation is hysterical.
R.
Listen Westie I hope
Jebus is writing up
an incident report about your
behavior
at work today.
If he
doesn't I'll get hockey banned.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
I'm sure there's no problem with you being banned
from
hockey.
No no. The game of hockey will be banned. Period. As
in
outlawed.
Steve
Maesen
But since your power is so slow to affect others, we
won't
have to
worry
about that for
many, many
years to
come, right?
Em.
Maybe. When it happens it will be
such a powerful feeling
that you
will
be
rendered
unable to speak,
eat, sleep, or LARP for weeks.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
And
at that point there will
be a
living-zombie house/trailer party at
Steve's until we get better.
I'll totally be living in New Jersey when that happens.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
That's fine. Zombies don't rush, and since we won't be
able
to
sleep,
it'll give us more
travel time.
Fine. But Ohio and Pennsylvania have
VERY strict zombie laws.
You'll probably spend a few decades fighting for your rights
in
each
state.
Steve
Maesen
Perhaps we'll go through
Canada.
R.
Umm, Canada is even worse.
Zombies are only allowed in if they have
proof
of loving cake and hating pie.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
We'll have to stick to southern Canada, zombies get brittle if
it's
cold.
Ooo Southern Canada only allows gay people in.
Sorry.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
We'll wear smiley face shirts.
Again, they'll ask you to prove it.
Steve
Maesen
This conversation is veering in a disturbing direction...
R.
Well you're the one who started it.
Steve
Maesen
Actually you're the one who started the whole thing.
R.
As I recall you emailed everyone telling them how awesome it would have
been if Steve could throw the birthday party on the beach except we
couldn't have alcohol but that was OK because you'd try hiding it in a
water bottle.
Steve
Maesen
I still have the original email. would you like me to forward it to everyone?
R.
Any email can be doctored to include anyone's information.
Steve
Maesen
So by proving it, Steve, do you mean we'll have to decorate
something?
Or
maybe sing a few musicals?
Em.
I'm not sure. I'm not the Canadian Government. I do know that no one
has
ever come back from it the same.
Steve
Maesen
I know Wolverine was pretty messed up after they got done with him.
Em.
Exactly. The poor man doesn't even know how to shave correctly.
Steve
Maesen
Well then HE can't be gay, can he?
Em.
Go hang out with a gay man the morning after he's been at bar till 4am and
you tell me he's not a little special.
Steve
Maesen
You guys are my favorite.
Amy
When I cut and pasted it into a Word document, for whatever reason, it split up sentences like poetry -- so I left it that way. I kind of like it like that.
We totally
could have
had the party
on the
beach
this
weekend.
I
mean
no
alcohol and
everyone
would have to
drive to
Muskegon
but still.
Awww....
Steve
Maesen
Pfft, I coming
back
special just to get
San
Chez
white
sangria...
so
no
alcohol, lame.
R.
Well
some of us
aren't in
danger of 12 steps
so
the
no
alcohol
wouldn't
be
a
problem.
Steve
Maesen
I
hear
lots of good
republicans
have a problem
with
alcohol
--
They
just
can't
admit it. Might
that be the
case here?
Em.
Just
because
I believe in
trickle
down
economics,
traditional
marriage,
social
programs for the
wealthy, and
the
disenfranchisement
of
the
downtrodden
does not make me
a
republican.
It
makes
right.
Steve
Maesen
Wow, way
to not
answer the
question.
Em.
You know very
well I
was commanded
not to
ever
drink
because
I
need
to
remain
pure.
Steve
Maesen
Jeez, I leave for
a few
minutes to get a
drink
and
look
what
happens...
*hiccup*
R.
My god! You are such a
west
sider.
Steve
Maesen
My sentiments
EXACTLY!!! She's just
trying to fit
in,
Steve.
You
know,
to
walk in their shoes so
she can
relate. Unlike
you,
who
must
uphold
his
"virtue"
verbally while
doing nothing
of the
kind in
actuality.
Em.
I'm as
pure as
snowflake that has not
yet landed.
Steve
Maesen
There was long
and hearty
laughter at GO
when this response
was
read.
Sirrah, thou art deluded.
Em.
I'm shocked. My magic reputation at
GO
has
apparently
been
defamed
by
the
people who
replaced me. I
shall have to get it
back.
Starting
with
ice
cream.
Steve
Maesen
As
far as I know,
ice cream has no opinion
whatsoever
concerning
your
reputation. But once you've conquered
that,
you
might
move
on
to
cookies
before working your way up to actual
human
beings.
Em.
If I
could relate to
human beings what
kind person would I be?
Robyn
is
anti-pie.
Steve
Maesen
I am not
anti-pie. You are
anti-pie, you special
snowflake,
you.
Also, Tim has not yet cried because he
has
yet
to
realize
we
will
not
be
thoughtful when the game is on.
r.
Someone
really needs
tell him.
I am
totally
pro-pie. Nice try
there.
Steve Maesen
Does it burn to lie
as completely as you do?
R.
I'm not lying therefore it does not
burn.
I distinctly
remember a
set of emails a few months ago in
which
I
took
a
pro-pie stance and you, and
perhaps
others, sided with
cake. I
may
also
add
that
some of the language from the anti-pie people was
vicious
and
in
many ways degrading.
Steve
Maesen
I am sorry to inform you that you are indeed a big
fat
liar.
Robyn
is
right. You were not pro-pie, and Robyn was
never
anti-pie.
Unless,
of
course, you now have the uncanny ability to
change
the
past
(if
only
in
your own mind and no one
else's).
I bet you
burned a pie in effigy on
your anti-pie
crusade.
Em.
I can totally change the past. It's my
superpower.
So
there.
Steve
Maesen
Too bad it
only works on you.
That must be less than
spectacular.
Em.
Whatevs. My power is slow acting on
other
people.
Steve
Maesen
Are you sure it's the POWER
that's slow?
Em.
I'm a genius. The power
is
slow because if it hit other people all at
once it might hurt
them.
Steve
Maesen
Perhaps
it's just the drinking, but
this
conversation is hysterical.
R.
Listen Westie I hope
Jebus is writing up
an incident report about your
behavior
at work today.
If he
doesn't I'll get hockey banned.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
I'm sure there's no problem with you being banned
from
hockey.
No no. The game of hockey will be banned. Period. As
in
outlawed.
Steve
Maesen
But since your power is so slow to affect others, we
won't
have to
worry
about that for
many, many
years to
come, right?
Em.
Maybe. When it happens it will be
such a powerful feeling
that you
will
be
rendered
unable to speak,
eat, sleep, or LARP for weeks.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
And
at that point there will
be a
living-zombie house/trailer party at
Steve's until we get better.
I'll totally be living in New Jersey when that happens.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
That's fine. Zombies don't rush, and since we won't be
able
to
sleep,
it'll give us more
travel time.
Fine. But Ohio and Pennsylvania have
VERY strict zombie laws.
You'll probably spend a few decades fighting for your rights
in
each
state.
Steve
Maesen
Perhaps we'll go through
Canada.
R.
Umm, Canada is even worse.
Zombies are only allowed in if they have
proof
of loving cake and hating pie.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
We'll have to stick to southern Canada, zombies get brittle if
it's
cold.
Ooo Southern Canada only allows gay people in.
Sorry.
Steve
Maesen
Justin wrote:
We'll wear smiley face shirts.
Again, they'll ask you to prove it.
Steve
Maesen
This conversation is veering in a disturbing direction...
R.
Well you're the one who started it.
Steve
Maesen
Actually you're the one who started the whole thing.
R.
As I recall you emailed everyone telling them how awesome it would have
been if Steve could throw the birthday party on the beach except we
couldn't have alcohol but that was OK because you'd try hiding it in a
water bottle.
Steve
Maesen
I still have the original email. would you like me to forward it to everyone?
R.
Any email can be doctored to include anyone's information.
Steve
Maesen
So by proving it, Steve, do you mean we'll have to decorate
something?
Or
maybe sing a few musicals?
Em.
I'm not sure. I'm not the Canadian Government. I do know that no one
has
ever come back from it the same.
Steve
Maesen
I know Wolverine was pretty messed up after they got done with him.
Em.
Exactly. The poor man doesn't even know how to shave correctly.
Steve
Maesen
Well then HE can't be gay, can he?
Em.
Go hang out with a gay man the morning after he's been at bar till 4am and
you tell me he's not a little special.
Steve
Maesen
You guys are my favorite.
Amy