Unicorn for Dinner and other Epherma: A Conversation with Changlingsea
This is a long conversation filled with discussions of unicorn meat, Native American helicopters, Da Vinci, Unicorn Horn ingestion, diet pills, nasty side-effects, and Ghandi. They all tie in together. Really.
(11:50:05 AM) Changlingsea: ooo, unicorn steaks.
(11:50:17 AM) Em: I think they're poisonous.
(11:50:36 AM) Changlingsea: they have to be soaked in lye and then water, the way you prepare lutefisk.
(11:51:06 AM) Em: AH HA HA HA HA
(11:51:32 AM) Em: That makes sense, though.
(11:51:49 AM) Em: But do they turn to a jelly?
(11:52:11 AM) Changlingsea: naw, they're really tough so it just tenderizes them.
(11:52:37 AM) Em: and balances out the pH, so the meat isn't poisonous?
(11:53:10 AM) Changlingsea: the lye leaches out the poisons and the water soaked out the lye.
(11:53:25 AM) Em: oh. I wondered how that worked.
(11:55:08 AM) Changlingsea: but the meat can still taste a bit nasty, like the stink of adolescent angst so generally a garlic cream sauce is recommended.
(11:55:29 AM) Em: Hmmm. No wonder the french like it so much.
(11:58:23 AM) Changlingsea: in france it's served with a side of unicorn hoof jelly but now salads with ranch dressing are more common in the US.
(12:03:29 PM) Em: I've heard that pate licorne gras is popular as an appetizer, also. But that's getting pretty expensive.
(12:05:02 PM) Changlingsea: yeah. it's pretty dangerous too, like eating fugu.
(12:05:04 PM) Em: And as we all know, the Native Americans, being frugal and industrious people, used *every* part of the unicorn.
(12:06:13 PM) Changlingsea: and they used the hide to build their flying machines.
(12:06:33 PM) Em: ancient arapahoe helicopters?
(12:06:57 PM) Changlingsea: mhm, it's where da vinci actually got his ideas.
(12:07:39 PM) Em: How did he know about the arapahoe and their helis, tho?
(12:19:09 PM) Changlingsea: da vinci used powdered unicorn horn to dreamwalk.
(12:19:46 PM) Em: Ah, another indian trick.
(12:21:02 PM) Changlingsea: da vinci learned the powdered unicorn horn from the asian spice traders.
(12:21:10 PM) Em: Did you know that underneath the Mona Lisa there is actually a picture of He Who Flys Copters and his steed Snerggle the Unicorn?
(12:21:44 PM) Em: Snerrgle = pointy horned bastard horse in Arapahoe
(12:23:07 PM) Changlingsea: and it's so much better than the mona lisa too! I wish da vinci had left notes as to why he painted over it.
(12:23:45 PM) Em: I'm pretty sure it has to do with the Freemasons.
(12:25:35 PM) Changlingsea: or the Illuminati.
(12:25:54 PM) Em: six of one, half a dozen of the other, like ghandi used to say.
(12:26:04 PM) Changlingsea: oh that ghandi.
(12:26:18 PM) Em: I know. He was a crappy tipper, though, witty as he might be.
(12:29:51 PM) Em: Again, this links back to unicorn eating, or rather unicorn horn ingesting. I heard that's how he survived his hunger strikes. unicorn horn = an appetite suppressant.
(12:30:14 PM) Em: and thus also explains why he was such a crappy tipper. He never ordered anything but ice water.
(12:30:22 PM) Changlingsea: HA.
(12:39:32 PM) Changlingsea: as i meant to say earlier, it is unfortunate the powdered unicorn horn can't be replicated in the lab, it would solve the Fat American problem in a few months.
(12:40:04 PM) Em: Isn't that what brought about the great diet pill wars in the 80's?
(12:43:05 PM) Changlingsea: yes. the unicorn had already been hunted into near extinction before the diet value of the horn was realized by the American diet pill companies. Their great battles over the few remaining wild unicorns forced the government to create legislation restricting diet pill usage. Of course, the government didn't realize that this would create an immensely fat population of diabetes and heart diseased insurance sucks.
(12:48:11 PM) Em: Perhaps they should have left well enough alone. There's plenty of wild unicorns in Mongolia, anyway. Or so I've heard.
(12:49:35 PM) Changlingsea: yes but the import tax on unicorn horn is so terribly steep.
(12:51:05 PM) Changlingsea: well, and then there's the side effects.
(12:53:27 PM) Em: which ones specifically?
(12:53:43 PM) Em: you mean those exploited by the Nazis during WWII?
(12:54:25 PM) Changlingsea: well the list is so long... Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction.
(12:56:46 PM) Em: What about homocidal mania? Is that on there?
(12:57:28 PM) Changlingsea: i think that one is in the really bad side effects, you know, the ones where you need to see and kill your doctor immediately.
(12:58:05 PM) Em: Ghandi never mentioned any of that in his infomercial.
(12:59:07 PM) Em: What an effing crook.
(12:59:45 PM) Changlingsea: no no no, it was there but just in that teeny tiny, quickly scrolling print at the bottom of the screen.
(1:00:08 PM) Em: It was in Farsi!!! How the hell am I supposed to read that????
(1:00:36 PM) Changlingsea: but the point is, it was there.
(1:00:59 PM) Em: Then they should have translated it to AMERICAN, since it was shown in AMERICA.
(1:01:16 PM) Changlingsea: so, spanish?
(1:01:20 PM) Em: Yes.
That's all for now.
Em.
(11:50:05 AM) Changlingsea: ooo, unicorn steaks.
(11:50:17 AM) Em: I think they're poisonous.
(11:50:36 AM) Changlingsea: they have to be soaked in lye and then water, the way you prepare lutefisk.
(11:51:06 AM) Em: AH HA HA HA HA
(11:51:32 AM) Em: That makes sense, though.
(11:51:49 AM) Em: But do they turn to a jelly?
(11:52:11 AM) Changlingsea: naw, they're really tough so it just tenderizes them.
(11:52:37 AM) Em: and balances out the pH, so the meat isn't poisonous?
(11:53:10 AM) Changlingsea: the lye leaches out the poisons and the water soaked out the lye.
(11:53:25 AM) Em: oh. I wondered how that worked.
(11:55:08 AM) Changlingsea: but the meat can still taste a bit nasty, like the stink of adolescent angst so generally a garlic cream sauce is recommended.
(11:55:29 AM) Em: Hmmm. No wonder the french like it so much.
(11:58:23 AM) Changlingsea: in france it's served with a side of unicorn hoof jelly but now salads with ranch dressing are more common in the US.
(12:03:29 PM) Em: I've heard that pate licorne gras is popular as an appetizer, also. But that's getting pretty expensive.
(12:05:02 PM) Changlingsea: yeah. it's pretty dangerous too, like eating fugu.
(12:05:04 PM) Em: And as we all know, the Native Americans, being frugal and industrious people, used *every* part of the unicorn.
(12:06:13 PM) Changlingsea: and they used the hide to build their flying machines.
(12:06:33 PM) Em: ancient arapahoe helicopters?
(12:06:57 PM) Changlingsea: mhm, it's where da vinci actually got his ideas.
(12:07:39 PM) Em: How did he know about the arapahoe and their helis, tho?
(12:19:09 PM) Changlingsea: da vinci used powdered unicorn horn to dreamwalk.
(12:19:46 PM) Em: Ah, another indian trick.
(12:21:02 PM) Changlingsea: da vinci learned the powdered unicorn horn from the asian spice traders.
(12:21:10 PM) Em: Did you know that underneath the Mona Lisa there is actually a picture of He Who Flys Copters and his steed Snerggle the Unicorn?
(12:21:44 PM) Em: Snerrgle = pointy horned bastard horse in Arapahoe
(12:23:07 PM) Changlingsea: and it's so much better than the mona lisa too! I wish da vinci had left notes as to why he painted over it.
(12:23:45 PM) Em: I'm pretty sure it has to do with the Freemasons.
(12:25:35 PM) Changlingsea: or the Illuminati.
(12:25:54 PM) Em: six of one, half a dozen of the other, like ghandi used to say.
(12:26:04 PM) Changlingsea: oh that ghandi.
(12:26:18 PM) Em: I know. He was a crappy tipper, though, witty as he might be.
(12:29:51 PM) Em: Again, this links back to unicorn eating, or rather unicorn horn ingesting. I heard that's how he survived his hunger strikes. unicorn horn = an appetite suppressant.
(12:30:14 PM) Em: and thus also explains why he was such a crappy tipper. He never ordered anything but ice water.
(12:30:22 PM) Changlingsea: HA.
(12:39:32 PM) Changlingsea: as i meant to say earlier, it is unfortunate the powdered unicorn horn can't be replicated in the lab, it would solve the Fat American problem in a few months.
(12:40:04 PM) Em: Isn't that what brought about the great diet pill wars in the 80's?
(12:43:05 PM) Changlingsea: yes. the unicorn had already been hunted into near extinction before the diet value of the horn was realized by the American diet pill companies. Their great battles over the few remaining wild unicorns forced the government to create legislation restricting diet pill usage. Of course, the government didn't realize that this would create an immensely fat population of diabetes and heart diseased insurance sucks.
(12:48:11 PM) Em: Perhaps they should have left well enough alone. There's plenty of wild unicorns in Mongolia, anyway. Or so I've heard.
(12:49:35 PM) Changlingsea: yes but the import tax on unicorn horn is so terribly steep.
(12:51:05 PM) Changlingsea: well, and then there's the side effects.
(12:53:27 PM) Em: which ones specifically?
(12:53:43 PM) Em: you mean those exploited by the Nazis during WWII?
(12:54:25 PM) Changlingsea: well the list is so long... Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction.
(12:56:46 PM) Em: What about homocidal mania? Is that on there?
(12:57:28 PM) Changlingsea: i think that one is in the really bad side effects, you know, the ones where you need to see and kill your doctor immediately.
(12:58:05 PM) Em: Ghandi never mentioned any of that in his infomercial.
(12:59:07 PM) Em: What an effing crook.
(12:59:45 PM) Changlingsea: no no no, it was there but just in that teeny tiny, quickly scrolling print at the bottom of the screen.
(1:00:08 PM) Em: It was in Farsi!!! How the hell am I supposed to read that????
(1:00:36 PM) Changlingsea: but the point is, it was there.
(1:00:59 PM) Em: Then they should have translated it to AMERICAN, since it was shown in AMERICA.
(1:01:16 PM) Changlingsea: so, spanish?
(1:01:20 PM) Em: Yes.
That's all for now.
Em.