I don't know what to feel...not tired...not hungry...not upset.
I can't describe what's going through my head because in some ways it just feel empty...completely hallow. Even though I just got off the phone with Anthony, I want to talk to someone. Why? I really don't know myself. I could name a few people I wouldn't mind calling but it's really too late to call them now. Hey, I probably could call Anthony back even, but I don't know what to talk about. Have you ever felt like something's bothering you and you don't know what it is? That's what I feel like right now...like I know there's something, but I can't figure it out. This seems to be helping some though because I like typing...there's something about the sound and feel of a keyboard that makes me feel relaxed. I'm especially beginning to like the feel of this laptop. I don't know why...just because? I can think of the little things that are bothering me...like the fact that me and Julie are still not "quite" the same as we have been...or maybe the fact that Ashley still doesn't know why I feel the way I do...or maybe it's the fact that I wish Anthony could have fun w/o me @ Purdue...does that sound funny? It's true though...I want him to make some new friends and be as happy as Erin is about Taylor. She was literally "beaming" and I love that about her. She's so full of life and energy and makes me realize that it's not hard and all you do is have to want to be that way. I really enjoyed seeing her today...she might not understand how much. It also makes me think of how much I don't talk to her anymore...that makes me feel so sad and like I'm a bad person somehow. I don't know why. I don't want to feel like that with any of my friends, but yet I do @ times. I guess I feel like sometimes I have to live up to other people's standards...it sucks, but I really don't have a lot of control over it. I notice that I've changed a lot in the past month or so...it's funny, but good...I needed it honestly. How did I change? I'm excited more now about going to church...I have people I can talk to...that make me laugh and I can have fun with...Eric, Brandon, Georgia, and Kaice probably don't realize how much some of the things they do mean to me. I would have a hard time telling them, I wanted to tell Eric today when he showed me something...it was his Air Force Card...he's really going into it...it's scary. Had you asked me how I felt about this about 3 months ago or so...I wouldn't have given it much though other than the fact that's it's the Air Force. I can't say that anymore...I'd be lying. He's a nice guy and to see him going into makes me sad. I don't like thinking about change in some ways. I know it will happen...I'm ready to move out...but I'm not ready to let everyone go. I want them to all come with me and never leave. I don't know what's going to happen, but I try not to dwell on some of these thoughts. I know I'm lucky for what I do have...Anthony, you mean so much to me and that's what makes it hard to focus on some things...I don't know how things will turn out for "us"...I can only hope for the best. Definitely very hard for me to think about our future...if there is a fairly distant one. I don't like to think about it...because that can lead to so many different roads with me. Things could have been a lot different...things can still change...things could last...all these questions drum my brain @ a steady beat. I try not to say I miss you too much because I don't want to get depressed...I've felt like that over guys before...only to feel like a COMPLETE idiot in the end. They all left me feeling like that because I was the one who never wanted to let go...but they found a way to let me in the end...or maybe I let myself. Is it wrong for me to wonder what things would have been like if things didn't happen the way they did? I sometimes feel like maybe I should feel more guilty than I do...but I don't. Just like with different friends...different guys...everything. Anthony makes me feel funny when he says certain things...like I should always feel them just as strongly as he does. This does not include "I love you". Sometimes small things, but I don't know how to explain the feeling exactly. He does say I love you a lot though...I wonder if he expects me to say it in return everytime. I guess there are sometimes when I want to say it more than others...but a lot of the time when I want to say it...I don't. It's like it's my secret and he has to read my face to figure it out. I think this is all I will write for now...I still want someone to talk to...I might call Anthony. He will be surprised. :0)
later...
later...