I hate my lj cuz it hates me...sorry, comments were lost
Well, it's time for me to muse about something that's been on my mind this weekend, so if you're not interested in reading, here's an lj-cut to ignore.
So here's another girl's rant that I find very inspiring and beautiful:
http://geocities.com/miss_priss_85/?200514
I find the first part of this to be related so much to what I've had to deal w/ over the years, though some parts I'm very thankful to have missed. But the last few paragraphs where she turns on the guys and starts being accusatory I find to be very generalized and not exactly true. I think she's talking more from personal experience than for all girls, but the first part is very true and I vouch for most of it. It's hard being a good girl, because everything falls through. And I def know about putting the sad song lyrics in my away message trying to hint to a guy that I was just talking to that I like him or that the lyrics are meant for him. But of course this never works...believe me.
The other thing I wanted to rant about mostly was the concept of true love and soul mates. I went with some friends of mine to see the midnight movie at the byrd in richmond last night and they were showing the Princess Bride (which is an amazing movie btw and will always have a place in my heart). So driving home I did alot of thinking about the concept of true love and whether I believe in it or not. I mean, being a romantic at heart (shhhh, it's a secret that I tend to hide reeeeeaaally well) I've always dreamed about finding my true love and living happily ever after w/ them from then on. But recent happenings have begun to change my mind on this subject. I mean, I've dealt w/ getting my heart broken all year because I have a tendency to get attached too easily and make myself vulnerable, though never really giving my heart away yet; I still have a tight hold on that. And on friday, driving home while talking to my mom, I brought up the subject of her and my dad before I was born, because, you know, when you're young you harbor this believe that you're parents are so madly in love w/ one another and just have such a wonderful relationship that you wish you could have. Now, I always knew that my parents had their problems, but they acted like they were in love from time to time, too, so I thought they were ok, that they were good. I also found out several years ago that my dad was not the first man my mom had sex w/, but that was all I knew. Well, on friday I found out about several of the guys that my mom dated before my dad. One of them was this airplane pilot. They couldn't 'date' b/c he was an officer and she was enlisted, so it was illegal, but they really liked one another and he never treated her like an underling, which made her fall in love w/ him even more, but it couldn't be. As I heard her talk about him, I could sense the regret and wistfullness in her voice; she really had been in love w/ him. Maybe he was even her true love, who knows. But then she dated a guy who got her drunk and had sex w/ her, stealing her virginity from her. Then she met, fell in love w/, and married my dad. They moved way too fast: met in nov, dated in dec, engaged in mar, married in june. Looking back, my mom knew they should've waited longer, but she wouldn't change anything cuz that would take us out of the picture (my bro and i). But all these years (almost 20) my dad has constantly held over her the fact that she hadn't been a virgin when they got married (or rather, engaged). 20 years of holding that over her. Would a true love do that? I look at them now, and I look back at my childhood, and I realize they never were true loves. They were always fighting or at odds in some way. I never saw love in their eyes the way I imagine true loves should. I lost part of my childhood this weekend.
So that's been on my mind all weekend. I think about my friend Stefanie (one of the ppl i went to the movie w/) and her ex, too. They dated for three years and three months during high school, him being a year younger than her, and they seemed so perfect on the outside, but no one knew about the problems they dealt w/ in their little relationship. In a desperate attempt to keep him w/ her, she had sex w/ him and shortly there after, he dumped her. That was this summer and I was there for her when that happened. That was how she and I grew to be really close. Now she's dating a guy and they've been together for 7 months and when they first started dating, she kept telling me how she didn't know if she loved him or not and how she really couldn't see ever marrying him or anything. But I haven't talked to her since christmas break. And so I watched them last night in the movie theatre and something was different. I could see that look in their eyes when they looked at each other. It's that look of complete and total, pure love; loving each other w/ every fiber of their beings. So I talked to her this morning after church and she said that, yes, she really was in love w/ him now and she went on about how they were so alike so that they understood each other so well and how the parts of them that weren't the same, cancelled each other out, or rather compensated or complimented one another. So I can see a love that's grown over time to be something good and beautiful, but I haven't seen enough of them to know if it's true or not.
Then there's ann and chris. Everyone knows them. They're the couple that's so in love they give you diabetes if you're around them too much. They have the love that everyone envies and wants even a small taste of themselves. If I had to believe in true love and had to pick someone that I would believe has that beyond a doubt, it's them. Sure, they get in fights, but they always make up and apologize, something my parents can't do. I think that's why I've gravitated to ann so much lately, cuz she has that and deep inside I hope that by spending time w/ her I'll be able to find something like that too, but there's so much more to my friendship w/ ann now.
I had dinner w/ her tonight and we talked about all of this and I asked her what she thought. She said that everyone has a soul mate out there. But then why do some ppl find them and some don't? Who decides who deserves their soul mate and who has to settle for less? She said that just because everyone has a soul mate, doesn't mean we all find that person. We either settle for less per our own choice, or just never find them b/c of something beyond our control.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." - Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)
This depressed me cuz of all the ppl out there, how is a person supposed to find that one significant other that completes them so perfectly? There's no answer for it. My mom settled for my dad b/c she didn't think she deserved someone better and she just plain didn't know him well enough to know how incompatible they were w/ one another. But then myself and my little brother would never have been born (the former not seeming like such a bad idea). I think I've finally realized why I get scared when I find someone that I'm interested in and they seem genuinely interested in me: I'm afraid that if I date this person, they may turn out to be the wrong person and my soul mate may come along and we won't be able to be together b/c i'll already be dating someone. Or any multiple number of scenarios could happen where I would miss the chance to be forever happy w/ my true love. But then again, this person that I'm afraid of dating could very well turn out to be my soul mate after all and by running away in fear, I could lose that as well. I don't want to finally find my soul mate and have only half a heart to give and all the emotional baggage to go w/ it. Ann told me that she didn't regret all the relationships she had before chris. She explained it this way: Every time she gave part of her heart away and got hurt, it increased in size so that the next time she had even more to give away. So by the time she got to Chris, she had so much to give him that it made up for all the past experiences. I almost started crying right in express.
So here's my decision: no more worrying or ducking out of things because I get scared. I've been doing this recently, getting scared and doubting whether I should get involved w/ the guy that I like. Well, to this guy, if you ever read this, you know who you are, and I'm willing to give us a try if that's what you want. But if, like in the ode to the nice girls, I have looked too much into what we have, then I apologize and will give you your space so you can find your true love the same as I'm looking for mine. That's all I have to offer, so take it or leave it. I will give our relationship all I have if that is indeed what you want out of this. But if not, just let me down slowly and the best way to do that is just stop giving me attention. It's gets the point across quite quickly to me.
And for the rest of you, I'm sure you will not read this whole thing and I even doubt that the guy I like will either, but if you do read this, or part of this, what's your opinion? That's all. I'm just glad to get this out of my system and off my mind. I think I'm finally ready to put the past and my painful childhood behind me, and embrace a better, more accepting and enjoyable college life and adulthood. So, ya...that's all. Take it or leave it.