Ugh.
What do you do when you're naping with someone... but you're dreaming of someone else? Everything I did this weekend reminded me of him. I don't know why, but being out on the Zodiac (when Kaji wasn't constantly around me) gave me a chance to clear my head. Have you ever noticed that it's only the natural beauty that can do that? There's a picture I took that reminds me of how I'm feeling. On the one side of the picture the water is blue, on the other it's a greenish tinge. Both are beautiful, but which is better?
When I saw the orca breach, I put myself into it as it freely fell backwards into the water, being free in the air for that split moment. Free. This is a word I know nothing of for my heart is as free as a panther is white.
What do I want? I don't know, my heart is bound to one until the time comes that I find something wrong with the relationship. But every time I find something wrong... he fixes it. I'm clawing my way out of this cage, unable to love the man I so long ago fell in love with, and who still owns my heart. I claw as hard as I can, but to no avail, my claws have shriveled down to none.
My will is not as strong as it once was. I promised him I would not break through this cage because of reasons past. But they are the claws that I need to break free. They are the only ones that can be used for such a thing. Tears mean nothing to this promise. As I shed tears of pain and defeat, and for the longing for the love from a man I am forced to deny my love for. The agony, the sorrow I suffer.
Why do I put up with it? Because of that promise! Oh how much I lothe and despise that promise I made! And yet... I keep it. Loyal to my word, I keep it. But what can be done? There's not that I haven't thought, though they may have be those that were so surely crushed by this, this... damned two worded phrase. But they still linger. Though the thought has been chrushed, for reasons I know not, I cannot relinquish them. They take hold over every part of me and strangle me. Causing me to tremble at their site. My heart torn apart at the sight and the very memory that for the world, I could not love him. For the world, was I able to, I would give it up for the chance of being able to cure this disease.
I know not what to say, I know not what to think. All I know is that my heart can bairly stand this much longer. I fear I will go mad with all of this burning inside me. I cannot tell him no... he would go silent and never speak another word of it. He would think of it day after day, but never speak to me about it. If I could actually talk to Kaji, maybe I would tell him...
I've told Chris. I don't know why. I cannot love him, I'm not allowed to, but yet I needed to talk to someone... and out of all.. I told Chris. He is my best friend, I go to him with everything. I just wish I could go to him for love.
When I saw the orca breach, I put myself into it as it freely fell backwards into the water, being free in the air for that split moment. Free. This is a word I know nothing of for my heart is as free as a panther is white.
What do I want? I don't know, my heart is bound to one until the time comes that I find something wrong with the relationship. But every time I find something wrong... he fixes it. I'm clawing my way out of this cage, unable to love the man I so long ago fell in love with, and who still owns my heart. I claw as hard as I can, but to no avail, my claws have shriveled down to none.
My will is not as strong as it once was. I promised him I would not break through this cage because of reasons past. But they are the claws that I need to break free. They are the only ones that can be used for such a thing. Tears mean nothing to this promise. As I shed tears of pain and defeat, and for the longing for the love from a man I am forced to deny my love for. The agony, the sorrow I suffer.
Why do I put up with it? Because of that promise! Oh how much I lothe and despise that promise I made! And yet... I keep it. Loyal to my word, I keep it. But what can be done? There's not that I haven't thought, though they may have be those that were so surely crushed by this, this... damned two worded phrase. But they still linger. Though the thought has been chrushed, for reasons I know not, I cannot relinquish them. They take hold over every part of me and strangle me. Causing me to tremble at their site. My heart torn apart at the sight and the very memory that for the world, I could not love him. For the world, was I able to, I would give it up for the chance of being able to cure this disease.
I know not what to say, I know not what to think. All I know is that my heart can bairly stand this much longer. I fear I will go mad with all of this burning inside me. I cannot tell him no... he would go silent and never speak another word of it. He would think of it day after day, but never speak to me about it. If I could actually talk to Kaji, maybe I would tell him...
I've told Chris. I don't know why. I cannot love him, I'm not allowed to, but yet I needed to talk to someone... and out of all.. I told Chris. He is my best friend, I go to him with everything. I just wish I could go to him for love.