Have you ever...
So Pat and I were discussing things. Specifically, we were talking about love. How very manly of us.
Anyway, big surprise, we have differing views. I promised him an attempt at a summary of my position and some semblance of coherence regarding the myriad of topics we were attempting to cover.
The discussion started with the question: "Have you ever been in love?" My answer was no, but I thought once that I had. His answer was yes, but not in the way most people think because the feelings weren't reciprocated.
This begged the question in my mind, must love be reciprocated for it to be love? What is it if it's not? Also, what does it mean to say "I love you."
Now, obviously, people will feel things, regardless of what anyone else feels. We are not dependent on each other for our own feelings. So, what's different about love?
I suppose it's important to note that when I'm talking about "love," I consider this to be something more than an emotion. On the emotional level, there is affection, a fondness for someone, a desire for good things for this person, a pain associated with their pain or absence, etc. etc. So, to my mind, love is almost not an emotion, which probably is something Pat and I disagree on (chime in here on this one buddy, I don't think we covered this).
So, there is a viewpoint that if you simply hold an affection for someone, it is accurate to say to this person "I love you." There is a view that these magic words are not used enough, and that the world needs more love. The world certainly needs more love, I won't dispute that. But, should we let the magic words out MORE? I'm not so sure about that one. I'm all for loving people (and by loving, again, I mean having an affection for). That simple, common kind of loving is about caring, giving, being nice, being generous, etc. etc.
So what of BEING IN LOVE, this mystical thing that I somehow and differentiating from simply loving, something that has a magic phrase associated with it.
I have told exactly one woman that I loved her. I think, at the time, I even meant it. But, upon reflection, maybe not so much. A brief bit of context: this was an online relationship. It was easy and safe. I experienced a connection with this woman the likes of which I have yet to experience again with any woman, and there are very few PEOPLE I have met with whom I have had that kind of connection. That being said, the chances of us having any sort of face to face contact were very low. So this relationship was what it was. And yet I still felt compelled to say the magic words. They were a surprise to me, and a surprise to her. What did I mean when I said it? At the time, it meant that I cared a great deal, and that she was a major part of my life, and I wished for her to be happy. What I learned later that the words did not mean was that I was prepared to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise or change in my life for her. I just didn't know it at the time I said it.
This whole concept of love being more than a mere emotion means to me that love is somehow above ordinary emotions and suddenly becomes something that requires an interactive component. I know we cared a great deal about each other, but we also knew that our relationship was confined to this comfortable confined space where it was controlled and risk free. That's not how life is.
There are many kinds of love, yes. But we so rarely talk about those things. When we say love, everyone automatically turns to romance. I still think this is because romance holds a special, elevated place in our hearts, not merely because Hollywood or Society say so, but because somewhere deep down, our own hearts long for romance. We do fine with friendship and family and the other loves that our in our life. But still, no matter how many of these things we have, our hearts still seek romance, this love that is greater than affection, greater than liking, that transforms and consumes us.
Part of it, I know is tied up in my rather traditional view of marriage. Man and woman making babies and all that jazz. I do believe there is something sacred and special about marriage (but that's no excuse for legislating hate. Vote No on 8! end political rant). I do believe marriage should be something sacred and unbreakable. For me, I Love You is about cementing that special and sacred bond. So I do elevate it. We hold all kinds of affection and hold all kinds of love for many people in our lives. We "love" many people. But BEING in love, and SAYING I LOVE YOU, I find those to be different. If all is well, we'll only ever LOVE one person, and we'll be with them 'till death do us part and all that jazz. I mean, to a certain point, if marriage isn't unbreakable and sacred, what's the point? Why go through all the pomp and circumstance for a temporary legal construct that can be dissolved with the stroke of a pen? Why all the ritual and tradition and angst and money and headache?
When we say "I love you" these days, we can mean a great many things. Why don't we say those things? Why try and boil it down to these three words that can mean so many things and that no two people seem to interpret the same way. If we say these three words, I think we should know what they mean and we should mean what they mean.
Like I said, I have only ever said these words specifically to one woman. But I love most everyone. But if I turned to a friend and said "I love you," they're going to take it very differently than a woman I'm pursuing. Do I mean it when I say it to my friends? Sure. And I think they know that I'm not intending it romantically. If I say it to a woman I'm pursuing, what does it mean? Can you easily distinguish between passing affection and the unbreakable sacred bond? I still think it means that unbreakable and sacred stuff. So, I wouldn't just toss it around casually. I still think it requires restraint. I don't think we should use it more. Less is still more. And there are other good words out there. I like you. You make me happy. You're beautiful. You're wonderful. I Love You implies all these things. But any one of these things individually, while possibly true, do not necessarily imply I Love You.
We should say what we mean.
And it's late and I'm running out of steam. Ball's in your court pal.
Anyway, big surprise, we have differing views. I promised him an attempt at a summary of my position and some semblance of coherence regarding the myriad of topics we were attempting to cover.
The discussion started with the question: "Have you ever been in love?" My answer was no, but I thought once that I had. His answer was yes, but not in the way most people think because the feelings weren't reciprocated.
This begged the question in my mind, must love be reciprocated for it to be love? What is it if it's not? Also, what does it mean to say "I love you."
Now, obviously, people will feel things, regardless of what anyone else feels. We are not dependent on each other for our own feelings. So, what's different about love?
I suppose it's important to note that when I'm talking about "love," I consider this to be something more than an emotion. On the emotional level, there is affection, a fondness for someone, a desire for good things for this person, a pain associated with their pain or absence, etc. etc. So, to my mind, love is almost not an emotion, which probably is something Pat and I disagree on (chime in here on this one buddy, I don't think we covered this).
So, there is a viewpoint that if you simply hold an affection for someone, it is accurate to say to this person "I love you." There is a view that these magic words are not used enough, and that the world needs more love. The world certainly needs more love, I won't dispute that. But, should we let the magic words out MORE? I'm not so sure about that one. I'm all for loving people (and by loving, again, I mean having an affection for). That simple, common kind of loving is about caring, giving, being nice, being generous, etc. etc.
So what of BEING IN LOVE, this mystical thing that I somehow and differentiating from simply loving, something that has a magic phrase associated with it.
I have told exactly one woman that I loved her. I think, at the time, I even meant it. But, upon reflection, maybe not so much. A brief bit of context: this was an online relationship. It was easy and safe. I experienced a connection with this woman the likes of which I have yet to experience again with any woman, and there are very few PEOPLE I have met with whom I have had that kind of connection. That being said, the chances of us having any sort of face to face contact were very low. So this relationship was what it was. And yet I still felt compelled to say the magic words. They were a surprise to me, and a surprise to her. What did I mean when I said it? At the time, it meant that I cared a great deal, and that she was a major part of my life, and I wished for her to be happy. What I learned later that the words did not mean was that I was prepared to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise or change in my life for her. I just didn't know it at the time I said it.
This whole concept of love being more than a mere emotion means to me that love is somehow above ordinary emotions and suddenly becomes something that requires an interactive component. I know we cared a great deal about each other, but we also knew that our relationship was confined to this comfortable confined space where it was controlled and risk free. That's not how life is.
There are many kinds of love, yes. But we so rarely talk about those things. When we say love, everyone automatically turns to romance. I still think this is because romance holds a special, elevated place in our hearts, not merely because Hollywood or Society say so, but because somewhere deep down, our own hearts long for romance. We do fine with friendship and family and the other loves that our in our life. But still, no matter how many of these things we have, our hearts still seek romance, this love that is greater than affection, greater than liking, that transforms and consumes us.
Part of it, I know is tied up in my rather traditional view of marriage. Man and woman making babies and all that jazz. I do believe there is something sacred and special about marriage (but that's no excuse for legislating hate. Vote No on 8! end political rant). I do believe marriage should be something sacred and unbreakable. For me, I Love You is about cementing that special and sacred bond. So I do elevate it. We hold all kinds of affection and hold all kinds of love for many people in our lives. We "love" many people. But BEING in love, and SAYING I LOVE YOU, I find those to be different. If all is well, we'll only ever LOVE one person, and we'll be with them 'till death do us part and all that jazz. I mean, to a certain point, if marriage isn't unbreakable and sacred, what's the point? Why go through all the pomp and circumstance for a temporary legal construct that can be dissolved with the stroke of a pen? Why all the ritual and tradition and angst and money and headache?
When we say "I love you" these days, we can mean a great many things. Why don't we say those things? Why try and boil it down to these three words that can mean so many things and that no two people seem to interpret the same way. If we say these three words, I think we should know what they mean and we should mean what they mean.
Like I said, I have only ever said these words specifically to one woman. But I love most everyone. But if I turned to a friend and said "I love you," they're going to take it very differently than a woman I'm pursuing. Do I mean it when I say it to my friends? Sure. And I think they know that I'm not intending it romantically. If I say it to a woman I'm pursuing, what does it mean? Can you easily distinguish between passing affection and the unbreakable sacred bond? I still think it means that unbreakable and sacred stuff. So, I wouldn't just toss it around casually. I still think it requires restraint. I don't think we should use it more. Less is still more. And there are other good words out there. I like you. You make me happy. You're beautiful. You're wonderful. I Love You implies all these things. But any one of these things individually, while possibly true, do not necessarily imply I Love You.
We should say what we mean.
And it's late and I'm running out of steam. Ball's in your court pal.