Mirror Mirror
So I promised some big personal revealing entry this time. That was probably another in a long line of broken promises I've made in my life, but, oh well, people are probably used to it. This entry will attempt to be somewhat introspective. This is not a pleasure read as some other entries might be. This is...well, I dunno.
Something, some one thing, or several somethings, have been going on in my life recently. I don't quite yet have the wit to see if they are linked or not, so, much of this entry will be thinking out loud and finding out what the heck is going on.
First off, some little things have been going wrong. I screwed up a pretty big project at work. I got into a $500 fender bender that was my fault. I lost my cell phone. These things have kept me a bit preoccupied and a little depressed. Combined with other small things going wrong, it felt like I was being punished, and I wonder if that was truly the case. I do believe we suffer most when we step out of line and try and take control of our own lives too much. I think that God gives us occasional reminders that we suck at being in control. He also prods us when we get a little to proud and forget to ask for forgiveness. So, what am I guilty of, what have I not confessed?
Well, let's see. I'm still a dick to my mom and my sister. I still hide my feelings and my beliefs from them since they showed displeasure. And I indulge my impulses in too many ways. Over the course of the past 10 years or so, I've done nothing to improve any of these problems. One of the greatest lines in all of cinema, American History X: "You have to ask yourself, 'Has anything you've ever done made your life better?'" Edward Norton's character, a white supremacist in jail for manslaughter, is posed this question. His response is to break down and cry and ask for help. I think I might be here, or somewhere close.
I think, basically, I'm in a place where I have no answers to any questions. Every guy wants to appear cool and confident. Easiest way to do this is to be the guy with all the answers. Well, here I am, and I've got nothin'. No answers to any questions. I don't even know if I have any questions. I'm in a very weird place. I'm kinda numb. I don't really feel anything strongly. Most of the "problems" I had are at some point of resolution. The projecct at work may have been fixed (don't know for sure, will find out Monday), the insurance claim on the fender bender has been resolved, I'm at fault, I get a point and higher insurance premiums, and I've had to purchase a new cell phone. So, I'm not exactly preoccupied or depressed. But, the absence of anxiety has left an odd void. I just don't know what to feel.
I have good health, stable finances, and every material need. So, there's no real cause for worry. I just feel a little joyless. It seems like every bit of fun I have is fleeting and temporary, eventually giving way to boredom and solitude.
This whole entry was supposed to be going somewhere, but, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I'm gonna stop for now. We'll pick this up again later. Sorry to cut and run, but only so much introspection before bed.
Something, some one thing, or several somethings, have been going on in my life recently. I don't quite yet have the wit to see if they are linked or not, so, much of this entry will be thinking out loud and finding out what the heck is going on.
First off, some little things have been going wrong. I screwed up a pretty big project at work. I got into a $500 fender bender that was my fault. I lost my cell phone. These things have kept me a bit preoccupied and a little depressed. Combined with other small things going wrong, it felt like I was being punished, and I wonder if that was truly the case. I do believe we suffer most when we step out of line and try and take control of our own lives too much. I think that God gives us occasional reminders that we suck at being in control. He also prods us when we get a little to proud and forget to ask for forgiveness. So, what am I guilty of, what have I not confessed?
Well, let's see. I'm still a dick to my mom and my sister. I still hide my feelings and my beliefs from them since they showed displeasure. And I indulge my impulses in too many ways. Over the course of the past 10 years or so, I've done nothing to improve any of these problems. One of the greatest lines in all of cinema, American History X: "You have to ask yourself, 'Has anything you've ever done made your life better?'" Edward Norton's character, a white supremacist in jail for manslaughter, is posed this question. His response is to break down and cry and ask for help. I think I might be here, or somewhere close.
I think, basically, I'm in a place where I have no answers to any questions. Every guy wants to appear cool and confident. Easiest way to do this is to be the guy with all the answers. Well, here I am, and I've got nothin'. No answers to any questions. I don't even know if I have any questions. I'm in a very weird place. I'm kinda numb. I don't really feel anything strongly. Most of the "problems" I had are at some point of resolution. The projecct at work may have been fixed (don't know for sure, will find out Monday), the insurance claim on the fender bender has been resolved, I'm at fault, I get a point and higher insurance premiums, and I've had to purchase a new cell phone. So, I'm not exactly preoccupied or depressed. But, the absence of anxiety has left an odd void. I just don't know what to feel.
I have good health, stable finances, and every material need. So, there's no real cause for worry. I just feel a little joyless. It seems like every bit of fun I have is fleeting and temporary, eventually giving way to boredom and solitude.
This whole entry was supposed to be going somewhere, but, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I'm gonna stop for now. We'll pick this up again later. Sorry to cut and run, but only so much introspection before bed.